Apr 022013

DAYTON | Tue Apr 2, 2013 10:32am EDT

(Roto Reuters) Senator Bob Rortman became the first prominent Democrate lawmaker to oppose abortion.

In a newspaper opinion piece on Friday the Ohio senator said he now supports the protection of the unborn.

“I have come to believe that if two people have a child regardless of the circumstances there should be commitment to love and care for that child in good times and in bad. The government should allow that child the opportunity to be born.”

“That isn’t how I’ve always felt. As a congressman, and more recently as a senator, I supported legal abortion allowing the choice to be totally depending on the mother. Then something happened that led me to think through my position in a much deeper way.”

“Two years ago, my son Bill, then a college freshman, told my wife, Sally, and me that he is now Catholic and pro-life. He said he’d known for some time, and that his religious orientation wasn’t something he chose; it was simply a part of who he is. Sally and I were proud of him for his honesty and courage. We were surprised to learn he is Catholic and a fully believing one at that, but knew he was still the same person he’d always been. The only difference was that now we had a more complete picture of the son we love. He was born again that way.”

“At the time, my position on abortion in all cases was rooted in my Democrate tradition that the fetus is just a tissue mass that can be disposed when undesirable. Knowing that my son is a pro-life Catholic prompted me to consider the issue from another perspective: that of a dad who wants all three of his kids to lead happy, meaningful lives with the children they love, a blessing Sally and I have shared for 26 years.”

“I wrestled with how to reconcile my Democratic faith with my desire for children to have the same opportunities to pursue happiness and fulfillment by being born. Ultimately, it came down to the Bible’s overarching themes of love and compassion and my belief that we are all children of God. It’s really about equality and whether the child is male/female or unborn/born they should have equal rights before the law to life, liberty, and the persuit of happiness.”

Rortman’s 21-year-old son, Bill, told the senator and his wife in April 2011 that he was Catholic and had been “since he was initiated in the Easter Vigil.”

Rortman was quoted by the Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper as saying he now believes abortion should be illegal and overturned at the Federal level and subsequently in any states that try to keep it legal. Unborn children should be eligible for the same federal benefits granted to born children.

Update: I guess this was not obvious as being satire. I am satirizing Sen. Rob Portman’s support of same sex marriage a reversal that came about since his son has same-sex attraction. I just edited some of the coverage and the Senator’s actual letter.

Feb 172013

I was raised on baseball and as a kid enjoyed those neighborhood games of it. Since then though I have fallen away from baseball. I just am not interested in organized baseball with all its rules and rituals. Really I find it boring and just not related to my lived experience. Also I really don’t know all that much about the details of baseball. I barely understand what a sacrifice is and a RBI is arcane to me.

Nevertheless I have some suggestions for when they elect a new Commissioner of Baseball. So I would like to suggest new rules for baseball to bring it up-to-date and more inline with modern times and that of course we need female players in the major leagues.

Now isn’t that pretty much how so many articles start out right now in relation to an election of a new pope? People who really don’t care about the Church or are opposed to it are freely giving advice to make it better. Equal parts hubris and ignorance seem to be a prescription for such writers commenting on the Church.

That these writers are ignorant of the fact that there very prescription has already been adopted by other churches such as Anglicanism and the results of that prescription have had many side effects including shrinking attendance. They are also not even aware that the bodies that adopted their remedy have people moving to the Church they believe so deficient. Still I can hardly blame them for their ignorance of this since even those not unaware of this say exactly the same thing.

  • Bullwinkle: Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.
  • Rocky: But that trick never works!!!
  • Bullwinkle: This time for sure…Presto!!!
Feb 072013

LONDON | Thurs Feb 7, 2013

(ROTO REUTERS) The House of Commons voted overwhelmingly on Thursday to approve a bill redefining poverty in Britain, indicating that the bill is assured of passage as it moves through further legislative stages.

Prime Minister David Cameron had been concerned about the increasing poverty rates and the growing problems poverty entails. The bill changed the definition of poverty to only include those who have less than a shilling and don’t have any family members to support them. Members of The House of Commons are enthused about this historic vote which wiped out poverty overnight.

After the approval of a bill legalizing same-sex marriage David Cameron said “I was thinking if we could change the definition of marriage to mean whatever we wanted it to mean then what is to stop of from doing this in other areas? If we can go from an understudying of marriage as the union of one man and one woman to hardly having a definition at all, then certainly that provides a precedent.” Mr. Cameron has also outlined some other legislative efforts such as redefining illness thus saving millions regarding the National Health Service.

Nov 132012

Many people are probably aware of the social media service “foursquare”, for those not in the know Wikipedia says:

Foursquare is a location-based social networking website for mobile devices, such as smartphones. Users “check in” at venues using a mobile websitetext messaging or a device-specific application by selecting from a list of venues the application locates nearby.[3] Location is based on GPS hardware in the mobile device or network location provided by the application. Each check-in awards the user points and sometimes “badges”.

Now I have never used this service since even rocks call me sedentary in my ways. When I am not working in front of a computer monitor, I am likely to be behind a book and so my check-in history would be rather repetitive and extremely boring.

This social networking service does make me wish for a different type of service that would be more useful than letting your friends know what store or restaurant you are currently are visiting.

What I would like to see a service called;

But of course with a logo that doesn’t suck.

Now I would envision prayersquare as the place to check-in with your private and liturgical prayers.  You could then follow the prayer activity of  fellow members of the body of Christ and have events such as:

  • Praying the Sorrowful mysteries.
  • Attending daily Mass.
  • Reading the Office of Reading in the Liturgy of the Hours.
  • Praying for the repose of the soul of my loved ones.
  • Prayerfully preparing for the Sacrament of Confession.
  • Praying before the Blessed Sacrament.

Though this would have to be social networking with a twist. Your prayersquare account would have to be totally anonymous to discourage people bragging about how pious they are. Not much point in bragging like the Pharisees about how much they contributed to the Temple.  Seeing the prayer activity of others would help encourage people to join in and pray themselves.

I can also envision some cutting edge technological integration to make checking in of prayer easier.

  • Mobile phone Liturgy of the Hours apps such as iBreviary and Unversalis could have prayersquare integration and as you read through the various hours it posts your prayer check-in.
  • Wi-Fi enabled  and touch sensitive Rosaries could check in after a decade or a set of mysteries.
  • Location aware phone apps could check you in when you go to your parish.
  • Logos bible software integration.
  • Phone personal assistant applications like Siri could detect prayer ejaculations and check them in.  Though it would have to have a “Jesus prayer” filter so as not to check-in every utterance of this prayer so as to not clog up the prayersquare timeline.

Like foursquare there could also be achievements. For example:

  • Volunteered for 3 AM adoration in the Blessed Sacrament chapel.
  • Found a priest giving confession out of the hours of 5 to 5:30 PM on Saturday.
  • Graduated from the purgative way to the illuminative way.
  • Found a spiritual directory that doesn’t believe in that anonymous Christian crap.
  • Read the Catechism in a Year via flocknote.
  • Actually “prayed attention” during Mass.
Now if the the person is experiencing the Dark Night of the Social Media, than all achievements are taken away and the person comes to rely totally on God and not badges, achievements, and other forms of point scoring.
Now I am not so sure of Mayorship where a user has checked-in to a prayer event on more days than anyone else in the past 60 day.  Or maybe it is the term “Mayorship” that doesn’t apply and is jus too prideful. Really maybe the term “Servant”  applies since “We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.”

Now of course this post is firmly tongue-in-cheek, but really I wish a service like this existed.

Nov 042012

I’ve been working on a story idea for television and I am looking for a capable screenwriter who can take my idea and bring it to life.

Here is my synopsis.   Walter Write is lapsed-Catholic who has been cooking meth taking advantage of his knowledge in chemistry.   His conscience has been tamed and the amount of damage his product brings to the world does not concern him.  He is only in it for the money and the prestige of being a high quality meth cook.  He is  diagnosed with Stage IIIA lung cancer and as he becomes aware of his mortality he comes to confront the choices he has made and the man he becomes.  In his journey towards truth he comes in contact with a young Catholic seminarian Jessie Redman who begins to evangelize him.   His conversion starts to bring him full circle and starts to wonder if he is being called to the priesthood as his love of the God and the Eucharist grows in leaps and bounds.

The name of the series:

* For those unfamiliar with the show “Breaking Bad”, here is the Wikipedia entry.

Oct 072012

JERUSALEM 20 B.C. — Today a breakaway group ordained a member of the  Tribe of Benjamin at the 1st Community Temple. The Non-Aaronite Ordination Conference NAOC has lately been raising awareness concerning the disparity in the treatment of the twelve tribes of Israel.  The newly ordained priest wore the traditional vestments consisting of a breastplate, ephod, robe, tunic, cap, sash and in a odd break from tradition a purple stole. NAOC President Samuel bar Jonah told us “Restricting the priesthood to the Tribe of Levi is totally unfair to the other eleven tribes. Are the men of the tribe of Levi better than men of the tribe of Benjamin, Dan, Issachar, or any of the other fine tribes? How can we share equally in the Temple worship if we are also not allowed to offer sacrifices to the Lord? Besides I think there was a bit of nepotism involved in Moses appointing his brother Arron and establishing the Aaronic priesthood. The official church does not seem to recognize that all tribes are equal in dignity and justice demands equal treatment!”

Small groups of protests involving various tribes have broken out across the city demanding justice.

Protesters are upset  about the injustice and tribal discrimination.  One man who spoke anonymously for fear of Temple reprisals and being excluded from Temple sacrifice told us “The temple also uses an all-Levi priesthood as the norm when it proclaims that other tribes do not image the Aaronic priesthood and therefore only ordained men from the Tribe of Levi can adequately represent the sacrificial nature of the priesthood .  This is simply false considering that even before Aaron scripture recognized other priests like Melchizedek who was good enough for Abraham and should be good enough for us.”

One Temple priest how agreed to talk with us said “Being a priest isn’t all it is cracked up to be.  For one you don’t own your own property and are totally dependent on the tithe of others. Plus all the work in quality control makes it rather difficult.  I can tell you stories of animals that were brought to me supposedly ‘devoid of defect” and actually having a defect or two.  Plus grain sacrifices can get pretty old pretty fast.”

Oct 042012

Brandon Vogt reviews a product from ABCatholic a Catholic media company based in Charlotte, NC.  As he notes some people have “christened their work the “Catholic Baby Einstein””

Some years ago I did this parody:

As a parent you want your child to grow up and to be healthy, smart, and happy and you seek every advantage to give your child a leg up in this direction. Though while these are goods in themselves you also realize that your most important job as a parent is to help your child get to Heaven. Sin makes you stupid and holiness makes you smart and joyful even in difficult situations.

Though you wonder how best can you help hour child to grow in the Lord and in the Path of holiness? It seems there are so many tools and activities for kids for a range of topics that offer everything except what is most important and the pearl of great price.

That is where our new company Baby Augustine steps in and “Where Holiness Begins.” Baby Augustine offers a plethora of holiness developmentally appropriate products for babies and toddlers.

The Catholic parent is the primary faith educator of the child.and we at Baby Augustine are here to assist you in the role as the first teachers of your children in the way of faith. You can’t outsource your responsibility to others, but Baby Augustine can help you and your child grow along the path of holiness. What makes Baby Augustine products unlike any other is that they are created from a baby’s point-of-view and incorporate a combination of real world objects, music, art, language, liturgy, prayer, poetry, and nature — providing you an opportunity to introduce your baby to the world around them that God has created for us in playful and enriching ways.

We think that if only Saint Monica had access to our products she might not have had to shed so many tears as a young Augustine had fallen in the Pagan world around him and into dualism via manichaeism. Baby Augustine takes advantage of the teachings of the adult Saint Augustine so that your child never has to lament “Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you!” Don’t let you baby have a restless heart, but a heart that rests in he who created and loves him.

So just check out some of our great product that will open up your baby or toddler to beauty so that he may always seek beauty and holiness.

What better than to start your child off with Baby Augustine’s series of baby-approved Gregorian Chant CDs! Monophonic liturgical chant which originated in Monastic life is the perfect fit for introducing your child to beauty and the liturgy. This music will lift him up and prepare him using plainchant which as the Second Vatican Council said “Should be given pride of place in liturgical services.”

Your child can also learn from our great DVDs such as “Baby Palestrina”, “Baby’s First Latin Words”, and “Baby’s Pilgrimage to Rome.”

Of course reading is an important part of the life of your child and you should be reading to him early on and encouraging him to read. Baby Augustine provide books that your child will love hearing and reading.

What better than the Baby Augustine Baby Bible that is totally interactive. When your child handles the book it will say “Pick it up and read it” just like what St. Augustine heard as he picked it up and selected at random Romans 13:13-14 and finally set him on the path from his sin. Our interactive Baby Bible lets your child do the same. When he opens up a page at random the book then reads it to him! They will be thrilled by the scripture they will hear.

We have many great books in our Baby Augustine store such as “Baby’s First Catechism”, “Moral Theology for Toddlers”, our very popular “Read the black, do the red”, “The Spirit of the Liturgy for 3 to 5 year olds”, “The Child’s Guide to Jesus of Nazareth” by Pope Benedict XVI, and “Theology of the Baby” by Christopher West.

Baby Augustine also has great toys like St. Peter’s Keys which will provide your child hours of fun “binding and loosing.” Let your child learn about the glory of the Church early that that the can learn what St. Augustine meant when he said “You cannot have God as your Father unless you have the Church as your mother” and “I would not believe the Gospels if it was not for the Church.”

You will be amazed at how effective our products are as you see your baby make the sign of the cross before taking their bottle and watch as they reach out the Holy Water font as the enter the Church. What more can you want for your child but holiness and an appreciation of the Church that will never leave them.

Now we can’t guarantee that your child will make it to Heaven because of a little thing called free will. But no doubt we all need a little advantage in living a life of holiness and what better than Baby Augustine who grew up to be on the Church’s most influential saints and a Doctor of the Church. Pope Benedict XVI especially loves Saint Augustine and so will your child. So instead of purple dinosaurs and sponges instructing your children, turn to Baby Augustine.

Baby Augustine is “Where Holiness Begins!”

Caution: Baby Augustine will be ineffective if your child sees their parents act contrary to the path of holiness as taught by Baby Augustine products. All children are equipped with an especially sensitive hypocrisy detector fine tuned to their parents.
Sep 032012

In these sad days it is near impossible to avoid some form of cooperation with evil. To make matters worse it can often be deeply confusing to navigate the moral theology involved and choosing the best possible good when cooperation with evil is unavoidable. Sorting out the moral object, the intention, and the moral acceptability and ensuring that there is never formal cooperation with evil takes vigilance and understanding of the moral theology involved. Within the two main areas of formal and material cooperation it further branches off into active and passive and with passive material cooperation into  immediate and mediate (which also branches out further).

Understanding these difficulties we here at Curt Jester Laboratories have developed a new product to guide you through the labyrinth of moral theology dealing with cooperation with evil.

Presenting Remote Material Cooperation™ the device that will help you to make the right choices in avoiding cooperation with evil to the fullest extent possible.

With the  Remote Material Cooperation™ device your cooperation with evil will always be remote.  Plus it includes a Proximate detector so that your involvement in not near to the commission of evil and always remote and never proximate.

Click the “Guide” button to display pertinent information from moral theology textbooks.  It also comes equipped with a DVR (Daily Virtuous Recorder) to save those events when you minimized evil.  Simply select the “Power (of prayer)” button to turn your Remote Material Cooperation™ on and aim it at your moral life.  Press “Rewind” to review the days moral events for your examination of conscience.

As we are called to live in the present moment there is no pause or forward button, but the most important one is the “Pray” button which needs to be used often if you are to avoid formal material cooperation with evil.


This device works with all rational souls so no need to enter 3 and 4 letter codes extracted from multiple pages of the manual being that we are all one model made in the image of God.

Make sure you buy one Remote Material Cooperation™ device for everyone you your family since you don’t want any fighting in who controls the material cooperation remote.  A specially coated plastic case keeps the Remote Material Cooperation™ from sliding into your couch since this is one device you never want to loose.

Within 30 days your list of sins to confess with grave matter will be reduced or your money back! Within a year your confessions will be rated as popcorn level as per Venerable Fulton J. Sheen “Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.”

A revolutionary new energy system Remote Material Cooperation™ to run directly with AC (Acts of Contrition) so you will keep both this amazing device and your prayer life charged up with the same thing!

So if you want to aim for that narrow gate and walk the path to holiness than buy the Remote Material Cooperation™ now and avoid the ultimate sadness “There is only one sadness, to not be a saint.” —  Leon Bloy,

May 272012

Father Z does an excellent parody, and I measure this by the “hmm, is this parody or not” test.


ROME – Joining forces with the Women’s Ordination Conference, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious has enlisted the services of Fr. Ray Bourgeois, MM, in an effort to secure the release of the Pope’s Butler from a Vatican jail cell where he awaits trial for stealing and disclosing classified papal and Holy See documents to the press.

Likening the Pope’s Butler to Daniel Ellsberg of Pentagon Papers fame, Sr. R.U. Kidding, a Daughter of Charity and co-mentor of the LCWR, said that the Pope’s Butler was a “political prisoner” and that the Vatican was “torturing” him and should release him as the hero he is.

“Yes, the Vatican is just as mediveal as we have always said it was. This just proves it.”, reiterated Sr Randi McNulty, a Sister of Mercy and another LCWR co-mentor.

When questioned about the possibility that crimes were committed, Bourgeois shot back, “Some needs outweigh outdated male-made rules. We call on the Vatican gendarmes to free that butler and free him now. Free The Vatican 1!”

Bourgeois, co-spokesperson and famed rights champion said, “The butler is in solitary confinement in a Vatican jail for trying to bring transparency to the highest levels of Vatican intrigue. We stand in solidarity with all those oppressed by male-hierarchical power.”

A clearly angry Sr. Kidding said, “He struck a blow for equality and they’re making him a scapegoat.”

Visibly moved, Bourgeois added, “This guy’s… a hero.”

There have been unconfirmed reports of nuns in pants suits with scaling ladders at the Vatican walls.

For more information visit the organization’s website: FreeTheVatican1.org.

I certainly won’t be surprised if life imitates parody once again.

May 212012


Cafeteria Catholic Commencement Competition

Washington D.C. – May 21, 2012 – Increased competition in the commencement speech market for Catholic educational institutions has led to a tightened market for inappropriate commencement speakers.

We are proud to introduce a new site Dissammencement.com to help Catholic educational institutions grab a headline and send a message at the same time. While Cafeteria Catholics, Dissident Catholic Politicians, and other wildly inappropriate speakers are quite easy to find – you want the one that has the most impact for you.

President Obama, Sec. Sebelius, Rep. Pelosi

President Obama, Sec. Sebelius, Rep. Pelosi

Now not every school can get one of the big three U.S. Bishop eye-pokes and really send a message. But there are other speakers that equally send the message “We don’t need no stinkin’ Ex Corde Ecclesiae!”

We here at Dissammencement.com provide all your Dissident Commencement needs. As this graduation season winds down it is not too early to start planning for your commencement speaker. To get a top tier inappropriate speaker you really need to book one with us now.

Now many institutions wait until later in the season to make sure the speaker the speaker matches whatever message they want to send. Early in the year Sec. Sebelius was just another Cafeteria Catholic politician, but with the passing of ObamaCare and then later the HHS Mandate she became quite a hot property.

Whatever your needs are Dissammencement.com is here to help you. Our analysts maintain a database of inappropriate speakers indexed by what they dissent on or if non-Catholic their anti-Catholic rating. Our analysts stay on top of the news and constantly update our speaker’s profiles and their scandal index (sindex). Using Scandalous Query Language (SQL) database lookups are super fast and tailored to your requirements.

Here is one example of just how great our service is. Recently DePaul University was having some difficulty finding the speaker they wanted as so many Catholic education institutions had drawn all the obvious picks. We queried our database and found population guru E.O. Wilson who agreed to do the address at bargain-basement prices. That though is only a small part of our service. We then leaked to the media and some Catholic blogs that E.O. Wilson once said “Christianity is the most dangerous of devotions.” Thus we were able to elevate a low-tier speaker to one more attention grabbing. So for one low price they got not only a scandalous commencement speaker, but also sent the message that “Our schools is totally independent and just because we advertise our Catholic identity on our site – it doesn’t actually mean anything.”

At Dissammencement.com we are there to help you and to forecast commencement speaker trends. This year we forecast that habit-less nuns part of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious will be especially popular as a message to the mean misogynist male hierarchy from the Pope on down. Theologians like Elizabeth Johnson are also forecast to do quite well.

Our service is guaranteed and if your school doesn’t make the headlines and get lambasted in the Catholic media and blogosphere we will refund your money! What do you have to lose, other than to lose a great opportunity to get the best dissident speaker bang for the buck!

Dissammencement.com also offers special rates to Jesuit institutions since they are such a large part of our customer base. Just enter code “Hans Küng” before you checkout.

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