Parody

Thanks to RC of Catholic Light for
sending this suggestion for a spoof. I had previously thought up Ramadan Inn
in a random
thoughts post, but RC provided inspiration for this satire.

We at Curt Jester Laboratories have made a startling development. Always wanting to remain on the cutting edge of Communion technologies our top research team have made a breakthrough. The preponderance of news articles on abortion as a litmus test for Communion has sparked the imaginations of our research team. After pouring through the Old Testament we found many cases where physical things such as holy garments, vessels, and ground were considered holy. Old testament theology also pointed out “whatever touches them will become holy” Exodus 30:29 and unclean things could remove these properties of holiness. This got us thinking about physical manifestations of holiness and the New Testament shift to personal holiness. We have now detected pheromones connected with holiness. The Pheromones of Holiness (PH) balance detected is directly proportional to the acting on an informed conscience. Our test groups included new priests, those who attend Eucharistic adoration, and the staff of the National Catholic Reporter. The NCR staff had a very low PH balance and the other groups tested much better.

Now introducing for immediate availability is the Communion Litmus Test.

The extraordinary minister of litmus testing places a strip in front of the communicants mouth where they then blow on it. The active chemicals in the strip then react to the amount of PH exhaled. The strip will change color or present an iconic reference.

Marian Blue – This is a “Let it be done according to thy will” indication and displays that the test is passed. This indication specifies that the subject adheres to Church teaching, but does not mean that the subject does not still have to increase in holiness. Perseverance to the end is required for continual passes of this test. All other indications reflect a failed test.

Fork Icon – Cafeteria Catholic.

Rainbow coloring – Subject supports homosexual activity and/or same-sex marriage.

No Fetus Icon – Subject is pro-abortion

Women Priest Icon – Subject supports womens ordination.

The graphic shown above is is only a representative sample. Other possible indicators are:

Turns one color than another and than keeps changing – Flip-Flop indicator, subject is most likely John Kerry.

Fuzzy Indication – Subject more than likely went to Catholic schools and is uncatechized.

You are confused by just what the indication means – Subject is a member of the Catholic Theological Society of America (CTSA).

Luther or Calvin Icon – Protestant.

Pure White – Person is their own Pope.

Communion Litmus Test strips can be used in conjunction with the Facial Recognition Paten 2000

$19.99 per pack of 1000.

WASHINGTON (Roto Reuters) — The Department of Defense announced June 3 that the Navy’s newest Seawolf-class nuclear-powered submarine Jimmy Carter will be christened June 5 during an 11 a.m. ET ceremony at General Dynamics Electric Boat in Groton, Conn.

The submarine, Jimmy Carter, honors the 39th president of the United States. Carter is the only U.S. president to qualify in submarines. He has distinguished himself by a lifetime of public service, and has long ties to the Navy and the submarine force. He is a 1946 graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy, served as an officer aboard submarines while in uniform, and served as commander-in-chief from 1977-1981. Carter’s statesmanship, philanthropy and sense of humanity have made him one of the most influential Americans of the late 20th
century.

Shown here is the artist conception of the U.S.S. Jimmy Carter at sea.

As specified by Jimmy Carter and his daughter Amy the submarine carries no tactical nuclear weapons. The missile system carried is the new Paci-Fist missile guaranteed to pack a punch to those with peanut allergies resulting in possibly wiping one percent of enemy combatants with anaphylaxis. The peace-not-warhead delivers delivers weapons grade peanut butter (P-232).

Mr. Carter initially requested that the submarine use solar power or an alternate fuel such as Billy Beer instead of a nuclear power plant. These ideas were rejected after explaining a submarine that could never submerge or where burps showed on on enemy sonar was of no use.

The Navy is especially glad to complete this project. During construction inexplicably inflations costs for all parts was between 19 and 20 percent. Mr. Carter himself negotiated deals for components from North Korea and Haiti which initially looked favorable but later fell apart. One effort to negotiate with suppliers in Iran fell apart when their Helicopters crashed in the sand.

Pete Vere at Envoy Encore was thinking about this passage submitted by a reader at Mark Shea’s blog. Pete called it Planned Pastorhood.

IF SOME POLITICIAN favored a law which authorized the beheading and dismemberment of a very moderate number of Catholic bishops ~ annually ~ would the bishops say “…but where does he stand on tax reform”?”

Mark had commented on this meme by saying “Very complex question. Lots of variables. I will create a task force to study the possibility of forming a committee for the purpose of organizing a study group to begin to start considering opening discussions of this matter. I share your deep concern and say, “Go. Be warm and well-fed.” Thanks for your input. If you need further assistance, please press 0.”

Well I have a different take on what might be the sequence of events.

A spokesperson for the USCCB says “The Bishops are concerned about the wording of this new bill and would like to explore the meaning of moderate and how these candidates might be chosen.”

Cardinal McCarrick announces that he would be uncomfortable if he had his head removed.

A statement is not forthcoming from Cardinal Mahoney because we have not been able to get through his throng of lawyers.

A group of Catholic politicians issued a statement saying that while they were personally opposed to episcopal beheading, that they must represent the people in their districts who seemed to be in favor of it.

Some Catholics debated that every life is precious and that we must protect life from conception to the bishopric. Others argued that first we must create a culture that would not be in favor of bishop beheadings and that we should not try to pass laws to prevent this from happening. That we should try to make this safe, legal, and rare otherwise we would go back to bad old days of illegal bishop beheadings in back alleys.

At the National Catholic Reporter, Bishop Gumbleton writes an article saying that if only we had women priests and bishops that this would not have happened. He also put forth that clerical celibacy can lead directly to beheadings and it would be better if priests and bishops were allowed to be married. The government would not engage in this action knowing they would have to pay a death benefit to a spouse.

Some radical traditionalist groups complained that there were not any valid Bishops so this law would not have any effect.

A group of Bishops get together and discuss how this law fits into the seamless garment philosophy. It was decided that bishops retaining their heads is just as important as welfare reform, health care, and abortion. It was noted that their is hardly any reason to wear a seamless garment if you don’t have a head.

At the next semi-annual bishops meeting a statement is released called Always Our Bishops:A Pastoral Message to all Catholics. The statement explains that everyone including parents of bishops must be understanding of the bishop’s living among us in society and there must be more acceptance of the bishop lifestyle. Violence against bishops including forced removal of their heads is never justified.

A committee is formed to determine what sanctions might be used against any lawmakers who might sign this bill. For the first time in USCCB history after only five minutes of discussion the committee rejected such measures as not giving them honorary degrees and went right to excommunication of any politician who voted for this bill. If they persisted in passing the bill all areas where these politicians lived would be under immediate interdict.

The bill is dropped and a new bill that increases funding to Planned Parenthood and that would force all health plans to have mandatory contraceptive coverage is submitted instead.

The Bishops schedule discussing of this new bill at the second of two of next years semi-annual conferences. Discussion on the new farm bill took precedence.

Now this might seem over the top. But I wonder. We have 4,000 children slaughtered each day in abortion clinics. State after state removing conscience clauses. One state with legal euthanasia and another with homosexual marriages. And yet the most Catholic politician might have to worry about is whether them may or may not receive some honorary degree from a Catholic school.

(AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)

Portland, Oregon (Roto Reuters) Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry D-Mass teaches former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean his famous dance step. John Kerry’s – the Flip-Flop is similar to Chubby Checker’s the Twist. First you turn one way and then the next while first saying one thing and on the next step contradicting it.

A reader emailed me with the idea of a Lee Press-On spine like the old Lee Press-On nails of old and I hope that I have done it justice. At the minimum I have created an appropriate graphic Mark Shea can use for an Episcopal Spine alert.

… The appointed time that Jesus came into the world was during
more modern times. Would St. Joseph have still been a carpenter? Might he have
taught his adopted
son a
different trade? Now his becoming a stock broker would obviously be unfair to
other stock brokers with his omni prescience. Walking on water might be a plus
in the pool cleaning business. He would also be a real good weather forecaster,
yet I doubt if during the hidden years he wanted to make himself
known yet. Here are some other possible trades:

A little theological humor courtesy based on St.
Thomas Aquinas.

He’s a natural for the cleaning business.

Finally a used car dealer you can trust, but don’t try to lie on your credit application.

Salem, Or (Roto Reuters) Oregon Governor Theodore Kulongoski has announced plans today for a milestone in prison reform. Based on the recent reorganization in the Florida prison system, Oregon will become the first state with a lack-of-faith-based prison. Those who have been designated as faithless will be allowed to voluntarily transfer to this new prison the Friedrich Nietzsche Correctional Institute. This new prison will be open to atheists and agnostics of every denominations. Whether Randian Positivists, Darwinists, Radical Materialists, Anarchists, Apathetic Agnostics, or any other faithless based group will be welcomed to this facility. Volunteer Chaplains will be made available to help those to grow in their faithlessness.

Attorney Michael Newdow has agreed to be the first Warden of the Friedrich Nietzsche Correctional Institute. ” I will do i can to make this prison to be just as faithless as a public school. I know this is a lofty and difficult goal to achieve that level of faithlessness, but I am committed to that effort. To help to remove any mention of faith imposed systems and words we will follow after the French Revolutionary Calendar and rename the days of the week and to finally make a Beatles song correct we will have eight days a week. The week will start with Saganday, Randay, Primordial Soupday, Castroday, Freuday, Stalinday, Shawday, and Asimovday. All currency will be censored and any phrases indicating some deity will be blacked out.”

For this prison we will not be concerned with any recidivism rate since anyone who do not get caught again when leaving us are truly fit and the other losers will be safely in prison to keep them from infecting the gene pool. We will also be closely monitoring the inmates for lack of faith. First sign of any religious tendencies they will be immediately moved to isolation. If the persists in belief we will rapidly transfer them to a more suitable prison where that type of behavior is allowed.

A spokesman for the Thomas Moore Law center spoke out against this idea saying “That Oregon will open the nation’s first “faithless-based” prison is a terrible idea that is unethical, probably unconstitutional and may even lead to favoritism of fundamentalist atheists.