Parody

New York, NY (Roto Reuters) Director James Cameron new documentary on the Discovery Channel called "The Lost Tomb of Christ" is causing quite a stir in certain quarters. New York City resident Joe Templer is quite up in arms about this blatant attack on his faith and the faith of millions. "This claim that Mary Magdalene is buried in a tomb in Jerusalem is crazy. Everybody knows that she is really buried in the Louvre Museum in Paris." Joe Templer is not alone in his anger, many fans of the Da Vinci Code are up in arms about this claim of finding Mary Magdalene’s bones. Another city resident Jean Priory is also upset about this new documentary that is getting so much attention on shows like Larry King Live and the morning news shows. "The idea that Jesus and Mary Magdalene had a child named Joshua is quite laughable. They certainly never had a son, but a daughter named Sarah. This is a direct attack on the Sacred Feminine. Why is he trying to eliminate our faith in the mystical power of the earth and mother goddess? Shame on you James Cameron."

Fans of The Da Vinci Code nationwide are quite disappointed by the media. After all the favorable attention given to Dan Brown and The Da Vinci Code in the media they feel betrayed by the media then jumping on the bandwagon with this anti-Da Vinci Code propaganda. Bill Donny Hue of the Da Vinci Code League issued a statement declaring "How dare James Cameron promote this un-historical travesty. Mr. Cameron admits “I’m not a theologist. I’m not an archaeologist. I’m a documentary film maker,” are we to believe him or a symbologist. Obviously making one of the most popular books trumps directing one of the most popular movies. What’s next for Mr. Cameron is he going to do a documentary on Priory of Sion claiming it is a hoax? How dare he play fast and loose with the facts. He should instead imitate the critical research efforts of Dan Brown."

The complaint about the documentary have not been limited to just the United States. Tour operators in Paris and England are quite distraught about the economic impact on the Da Vinci Code tourism industry if this myth of Mary Magdalene being buried in Jerusalem becomes accepted.

The L-Mart parody has been broken out into its own page and can be found here.

 I recently came across an older children’s record player at a
garage sale that had a funky sixties feel to it along with what
appeared at first sight to be some psychedelic sixties records.

The record player was no longer functioning, but as
an old electronics technician and someone who tinkered with record
players as a kid, I soon had it working for the most part.  When I tried playing the records I immediately realized that I got something miswired since it was playing backwards.  Strangely though I though I was actually hearing coherent sentences.  Looking more
closely at the two albums I was totally surprised that there were
actually two offerings of the St. Louis Jesuits from the seventies and
eighties.  I soon had a good laugh as I realized that their music
sounded much better played backwards then forwards, but the smile went
away as I again heard more messages.

This reminded me of the old controversies in rock
music of embedded satanic messages of which I was always highly
skeptical of.  After all most of the evil messages in rock music
were actually called lyrics and anything else would be overkill.
Backmasking is the audio technique in which sounds are recorded
backwards onto a
track that is meant to be played forwards. Backmasking is a deliberate
process and is related to so-called subliminal messages in rock music.  I started to wonder if actually a technique like backmasking was
really used in the original albums that became the main stay for so
much contemporary music used in most Catholic Masses in the United
States and elsewhere.

I replayed the records backwards and transcribed
what I was hearing onto paper.  Now some of it was rather strange
such as the repeated phrase “St. Paul is dead…”, surely we all know
Paul is dead so I didn’t exactly understand the point of this
subliminal message.  But other messages were quite shocking and
really explains so much of what has happened with worship in the Mass
with the introduction of this music to church musicians.  Here are
just some examples of the disturbing messages  I heard.

• The Tabernacle would  look so much better if placed in a small little side room.
• Pantsuits are cool, habits are hot.
• Pipe organs must be destroyed.
• Peter, Paul, and Mary not St. Peter, St. Paul, and St. Mary.
• Communion rails are a barrier to Jesus.
• It’s all about me, it’s all about me, look at me (extracted from Here I am, Lord)
• Gregorian Chant is an carcinogen.
• The Spirit of Vatican II will set you free, never mind the text.
• The highest expression of Church art is felt banners.
• Catechesis, we don’t need no stinkin’ catechesis.
• Conscience trumps Church teaching.
• Catholic guilt is a psychological problem that is cured by discounting sin.
• Marbles and sand belong in a Holy Water Font.

Now as in the case of rock music there were suppose
to be Satanic messages embedded withing.  I didn’t find anything
like that in these recordings, but something much worse.

• Satan doesn’t exist.
• There is no Devil.
• There is not Hell.

Yes, anti-Satanic messages which of course are much more dangerous.

All of this explains so much.  The St. Louis Jesuits themselves
never originally intended there music for liturgical use, so exactly
how did it become such a major part of liturgical music? Was it the
popularity of these records that first got played a and listened to by
so many church musicians and by others involved in the Church that lead
to so many rapid changes in the first place?  I think that this
might be a much more sane and charitable explanation to explain why
people dumped so rapidly centuries and centuries of liturgical music
and other traditions conducive to worship in favor of the banal.

But who was behind this in the first place?  As much as I dislike
the music of the St. Louis Jesuits during the liturgy, were they the
ones behind this subversive plot?  Since as I have mentioned there music was not originally intended for liturgical use I did some digging to find out just who inserted these messages.  I finally found a photo from someone’s Flicker page purporting to be from the various recording sessions from when they recorded their albums.

Could it be SATAN? Or one of his minions?  I report, you decide.

The other question is are these subliminal messages found in the recordings of other modern liturgical artists? With Lent upcoming I was thinking of testing the work of Marty Haugen and David Haas, but my spiritual director said this would be too penitential.

* A tip of the Jester hat to the blogger at Sterquilinium for sending me a suggestion for a parody along these lines.

Now that that news is out that Sen. Edwards did not fire his anti-Catholic blogging team as first reported, some have wondered why. Most speculate that the left wing nutroots wouldn’t stand for it. Well I have an exclusive as to the real reason they didn’t get fired. They tried to hire Jack Chick instead, but he is getting too old and just was not up to a presidential campaign. So he had to fall back to his original team.

I also have another exclusive. I have managed to get a hold of some of Sen Edwards new campaign literature and here is a sample of just some of it.

In other news speculation that the Edwards campaign has moved to the campus of Bob Jones University have not been confirmed.

The Catholic League JOHN EDWARDS TOLERATES ANTI-CATHOLICISM

Michelle Malkin has a roundup of reactions.

Dale Price says John Edwards–personally opposed to speculating about aborting Jesus.

Mark Shea posts Whores for Edwards Swings into Action

Now the question is can a Democrat have a Macaca moment and be held accountable?

I have received a copy of a proposal for a new rite of exorcism currently being considered by the by the Congregation for Divine Worship. This is not a revision to the Rite of Exorcism issued in 1999, but a brand new document for an especially pernicious spirit. The new document is called The Rite of Exorcism for the Spirit of Vatican II. The Spirit of Vatican II Exorcists will be designated as one of the minor orders and these priests will be drawn from those who have already been designated to the Exorcistate and are experienced in expelling demons. The reason behind this I assume that expelling demons is a breeze compared to expelling the spirit of Vatican II from subjects. I will posts parts of this new document with some commentary.

The Bestowal of the Office. The candidates now come up to the bishop, and each touches the book and the actual documents of Vatican II which he presents to them, saying:

Receive, and commit to memory the documents of Vatican II, and have the power to lay your hands upon those possessed by a modern spirit and another gospel, be they baptized or catechumens.

Prayer. The bishop rises and prays for the candidates kneeling before him:

Let us, dearly beloved brethren, humbly beseech God, the Father Almighty, that He may graciously bless these His servants for the office of Spirit of Vatican II exorcist. May they be spiritual commanders, to cast out of the false ideas and heresies that have lead them and others astray. Through His only-begotten Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with Him in the unity of the Holy Spirit, God, forever and ever. R. Amen.

The rite speaks of exorcists as spiritual physicians endowed with the power of healing. This may also refer to bodily afflictions caused by the devil; once the influence of the devil is broken by the exorcism, the affliction ceases.

One of the discussions in the new document, which is definitely in the draft phase, is what to do when the bishop themselves are possessed with the spirit of Vatican II? Some of the drafters have considered an Episcopal intervention done by other bishops or perhaps a single bishop designated for these cases. Some of the drafters expressed concerns about collegiality, but other put forth the example of St. Paul. Whatever the solutions posed it must be better than waiting for a bishop to turn 75.

As with a normal exorcism an investigation is required first. The investigation is required to determine if a person is actually possessed by the sprit of the age instead of mental illness or an attachment to a liberal political party. Mental illness might be a charitable prognoses, but the investigator should take care to find the actual root of a possible possessed persons outbursts.

There are specific signs to look for in discerning Spirit of Vatican II possession. This is not an exhaustive list and a possessed person may or may not hold one or more of the following:

• Advocacy for women priests. If they spell women as womyn proceed to the exorcism immediately.
• If the subject has vocal outbursts in a foreign language they do not speak. The exception is if they speak Latin. Latin is a sure sign that they are not possessed by this specific spirit.
• Denial of the supernatural. If they refer to the miracle of the bread and fish being multiplied as the miracle of sharing do not delay in starting the rite.
• Advocacy of homosexual acts or same-sex marriage. Outright advocacy is an easy case for this rite. Though normally the exorcist will have to discern for themselves when the subject crouches their underlying belief by concentrating on respect for the homosexual person or their anger at the document on not admitting those with deep-seated homosexual tendencies to the seminary. Asking them straight-forward whether they believe that homosexual acts are intrinsically immoral can cut through the obfuscation.
• Advocacy of abortion and/or contraception. Appealing to the “seamless garment” is not a certain test for possession, though it is a indicator to dive deeper.
• If they believe that the document Environment and Art in Catholic Worship which was never approved by the Bishops conference must be held de fidei, but Humanae Vitae and Ordinatio Sacerdotalis can be safely ignored.
• If when making the sign of the cross they repeat Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier.
• Has subscriptions to the National Catholic Reporter, Commonweal, America, and St. Anthony’s Messenger.
• Can not say obedience, male hierarchy, Pope Benedict XVI without grimacing

Rite of Exorcism of the Spirit of Vatican II

The priest delegated by the Ordinary to perform this office should first go to confession or at least elicit an act of contrition, and, if convenient, offer the holy Sacrifice of the Mass, and implore God’s help in other fervent prayers. He vests in surplice and purple stole. Having before him the person possessed (who should be bound if there is any danger), he traces the sign of the cross over him, over himself, and the bystanders, and then sprinkles all of them with holy water. After this he kneels and says the Litany of the Saints, exclusive of the prayers which follow it. All present are to make the responses. Do not be surprised if during the Litany of the Saints if the subject becomes uncomfortable with so many pre-Vatican II names. The person might try ot interject other names like for example Gandhi.

It might also be necessary to gag the possessed person. The possessed will often appeal to dialoguing and will attempt to do it for countless hours and then days on end. This faux dialoguing in not an attempt to get to the truth, but to wear you down in sophist arguments. Appealing to Holy Scripture, Apostolic Tradition, and reason are fruitful avenues in most situation, but only the most patient exorcist should try to employ them in this situation since the possessed are normally immune to them.

The next step in the exorcism has been known to produce especially strong reactions from the possessed person. Even if the person is bound it is suggested that a minimum of two people be on hand to hold them down and to assist you. The exorcist after appealing to the Holy Spirit begins to read the actual texts of the documents of Vatican II. As mentioned above be prepared for a violent reaction especially while reading Sacrosanctum Concilium. If the possessed person is not gagged be prepared for obscene outbursts like “Your mother is a homophobe.” Rainbow colored projectile vomiting has also been known to occur. While the text is read the bystanders chant “The power of the text compels you.” Make sure that a medical team is on hand in case the possessed person goes into shock during the reading. They will no be spinning of their head or displaying supernatural phenomenon, but the logic they will use in defending the spirit of Vatican II might make your own head spin.

The following invocation is then chanted:

From all evil, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From the spirit which denies the text, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From modernist interpretations, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From inclusive language, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From the pride of independence, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From liturgical abuses, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From disobedience to the magisterium, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From an unformed conscience, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From the spirit of the age, Deliver us, 0 Lord.

The exorcist than commands the spirit of Vatican II to come out

Therefore, I adjure you every modern spirit, every specter from academia, every dissident power, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, who was led into the desert after His baptism by John to vanquish you in your citadel, to cease your assaults against the creature whom He has, formed from the slime of the earth for His own honor and glory that you leave this soul. I command you moreover that you leave immediately so that this person can not only come to enjoy the actual documents of Vatican II, but that he (she) may appreciate and accept in obedience all of the Church’s councils and magisterial teachings of Holy Mother Church. That he (she) may see the Second Vatican Council as an organic growth and not a starting point of a new church.

Depart, then, impious one, depart, accursed one, depart with all your deceits, for God has willed that man should be His temple. Why do you still linger here? Give honor to God the Father almighty, before whom every knee must bow. Give place to the Lord Jesus Christ, who shed His most precious blood for man. Give place to the Holy Spirit, who by His blessed apostle Peter openly struck you down in the person of Simon Magus; who cursed your lies in Annas and Saphira; who smote you in King Herod because he had not given honor to God. Depart you mischievous spirit that denies sin and calls right wrong and wrong right. I order you depart deceitful spirit to leave and to never return.

All the above may be repeated as long as necessary, until the one possessed has been fully freed.

It will also help to say devoutly and often over the afflicted person the Our Father, Hail Mary, and the Creed, as well as any of the prayers given below.

The Canticle of our Lady, with the doxology; the Canticle of Zachary, with the doxology.

The exorcist then looks for signs that the evil spirit of modernity has truly departed. Have the subject read from the Catechism of the Catholic Church and VII documents and observe their demeanor. If they look comfortable doing this let the person read some scriptural texts. If they can do this without injecting inclusive language for references to God, then this is a further sign of healing. As a final test have the person as a test of obedience recite the Affirmation of Personal Faith. If they can read this without breaking a sweat, screaming in terror, or any sign of discomfort then this is a very good sign indeed. “The devil can imitate humility but he cannot imitate obedience.” St. Faustina

The new rite looks pretty interesting and I certainly hope they approve it soon and make it broadly available. Of course there will be a problem getting the large number of these exorcists considering the extremely large demand. I also heard that they are considering a similar rite for schismatic traditionalists, though they might combine the two since they are just two sides of the same coin of disobedience and misunderstanding of Vatican II.

VATICAN CITY — A top Vatican official on Tuesday denounced a wall around the Vatican as "inhumane," and compared it to the Cold War-era Berlin Wall.

Cardinal Renato Martino, who heads the Holy See’s office concerned with migrant and itinerant peoples, urged the Pope to allow more vistors to enter legally.

"I must note, unfortunately, that in a world which greeted with joy the fall of the Berlin Wall, others are being erected between neighborhood and neighborhood, city and city, nation and nation," he said at a news conference to present Pope Benedict XVI’s annual message about migrants.

"The Leonine Wall was originally built to keep out Muslims who were unfairly described as raiders at the time when they were only doing raiding jobs that Romans wouldn’t do. Even if you build a 20 foot wall somebody will just come along with a 21 foot ladder. If you watch Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 3 you see him easily scaling the wall and gaining access."

Cardino Martino also condemned a recent move by the Vatican Museum to limit tour groups until 10, he favors and open admission policy where undocumented tourists can visit 24 hours a day.

Unfortunately here is what Cardino Martino actually condemned.

Fr. Roderick on the Daily Breakfast [mp3] played a track from Nick Alexander’s latest CD "I Wanna Be Debated" on his show today. Nick Alexander is sort of a Catholic Weird Al Yankovic, which is a good thing. I have been a long time fan of song parodies. I grew up listening to Dr. Demento and rarely missed his show.

The song Fr. Roderick played was "Internet Bloggers" done to the tune of Queen’s Radio Ga Ga.

All I read are internet bloggers, internet gurus in flannel pajamas.

It would have been even more cool if he had specifically mentioned St. Blogs. Regardless Nick Alexander is quite talented and funny. He has also shown up from time to time on the Rosary Army podcast.

His new CD is not yet available on iTunes (his other ones are), or you can order it from his site.

Coming to theaters in the summer of 2007: The Excommunicator.

The year is 2237 and Pope Benedict XVIII has just been elected. Call to Action a so-called reform group is despairing over the fact that the new pope will not ordain women either. The members of Call to Action have not had a new member in centuries and the core group that established itself in the 1960’s are being kept alive via life extension treatments. They vow to not throw off the mortal coil until they see women’s ordination within the Catholic Church.

After determining that it was Pope John Paul II’s encyclical Odinatio Sacerdotalis and Cardinal Razinger’s dubium on the subject that has delayed women’s ordination they come up with a desperate plot to send a robot made in Rome, a Tibernetic organism, back in time to 1951 a pivotal point in both Pope’s lives.

The Tiber 2000 (T2000) equipped with mind control technology will return to the time period when Karol Wojtyla is still a chaplain at St. Florians and Joseph Ratzinger is only recently ordained in Munich. Previous experiments in time travel proved that you are unable to kill people in the past, but that timelines can be altered by other means.Via robotic mind control techniques the plan is to cause both men to dissent from their bishops and thus be excommunicated or failing that to control and influence their bishops to excommunicate them. The Excommunicator programmed by dissidents with hundreds of years of experience in being excommunicated is especially skilled at finding ways to cause others to other dissent from the Pope and the magisterium.

Simultaneously a group of Jesuits loyal not only to the Holy Father, but past Holy Father has become aware of Call to Actions plan and take steps to counteract it. Their plan is to send Fr. John O’Connor, S.J. back to the same time to stop the T2000 at all costs. After obtaining permission from Pope Benedict XVIII for a dispensation from temporal time and space, Fr. O’Connor is also sent back to 1951.

Watch the excitement ensue as Fr. O’Connor armed only with a Crucifix, Holy Water, and his faith battle the T2000 equipped with a titanium exoskeleton, mind control ray, and an archive of Commonweal magazines. Will Call to Action finally become triumphant over their foes? Or will the consistent teaching of the Church foil them once again? As Jesus said "Come and see" this summer!

Eggbert and Roper – "Great action packed movie with a fast paced plot. Highly believable except the Jesuits being loyal to the Pope part, but hey it’s a SF movie."

Joee Blogs – a Catholic Londoner has some pictures taken today outside the Westminister Cathedral today that are quite interesting. Here is just one example of a whole series he has. [Via Michelle Malkin and Gerald Augustinus]

One thing that you notice in this demonstration is that there are none of the hand printed signs you usually see, but obviously computer produced ones like you could create with The Print Shop software. I did some checking and I believe this was the program they actually used:

Discover the quick and easy way to print signs and banners and other items. Whether you are protesting the Great Satan, the Little Satan or their dupes around the world the Jihad Shop is for you. You can quickly print out professional protest signs that will make the the envy of your fellow jihadis.

• Quickly select from a list of professionally designed templates and ready made slogans with classics like "Pope go to Hell!", "Jesus is the slave of Allah", and "Islam will conquer Rome" See these classics in action here. Don’t just use common beheading threats, our large library of violent threats will spice up your protest sign.
• Translation software allows you to enter in via various Arabic languages and output in English. Don’t make the mistake of some protesters by not using English. Remember the signs are for the Western press.
• English grammar software helps to prevent common errors like using "Mr. Pope" in a sign. Using Jihad Shop you will never print confusing messages like "Easy to be Pope, Hard to be Human."
• Flag printing software lets you rapidly print out the flag of whatever country has insulted Islam today including the flag of the Vatican city state. The protests against the Danish cartoons took months to arrange since a large quantity of Danish flags had to be bought first and distributed. Prevent this logistic error of bad timing and protest right away whenever anybody dares to malign Islam in anyway.
• Included free in every package is also a cartoon generation package. If a newspaper prints cartoons offensive to Islam or Muhammad, yet not offensive enough to gen up anger and outcry simply use are cartoon generation package to make up your own that will ensure outrage. Don’t make the mistake of amateurs who passed off a grainy photo of a French comedian in a pig-squealing contest as a Muhammad cartoon.
• Print out protest chants so that everybody at the demonstration can get in on the action. Use professionally developed protest chants like "Pope Benedict you will pay, the Muja Hadeen are coming your way" or create your own.
• Create images to pass along in al Qaeda chat rooms and other sympathetic groups. This fine example was made via Jihad Shop.
• Signs have a convenient direction arrow on the back when printed out. Sometimes it is really hard for brave protesters to see if their sign is right side up when their face is almost totally covered.
• Jihad Shop comes with its own special paper that is both resistant to fingerprints and gun oil. When you take your automatic weapon to a peaceful demonstration you certainly don’t want to mess up you sign after cleaning your gun.

System Requirements: *

• Pentium® II 300MHz processor or faster
• 128MB RAM
• Minimum 330MB hard disk space* (Recommended: 250MB of hard disk space to include all jihad related clipart.)
• CD-ROM Drive
• Operating system from Great Satan’s Microsoft or Great Satan’s Apple

* Yes we know you require Western made components to run The Jihad Shop. Though one day after all of our technical expertise is not directed towards improving suicide belts and and making more reliable timers for road side bombs we will build computer systems also!