Humor

The Summa Mamas, always an enjoyable read, has posted some humor on mothers from history. To which I now add my own.

Apostle John’s Mother: Stop reading all of those horror comic books, it will give you bad dreams.

Jesus’ Mother: Okay I know your God, but you still have to clean behind your ears.

John the Baptist’s Mother: No kid of mine is going outside dressed like that. I don’t care if the other kids are also wearing camel’s hair. You are just always losing your head.

Samson’s Mother: Your going to sit still for the picture of your first hair cut and I do not want want to hear anymore “But I am a Nazarite” stuff.

David’s Mother: Get out into the field and tend the sheep. All of your practicing on the harp in the garage will come to nothing. There are millions who try to become the King’s harp player to soothe the King and their now living in the poor district. Stick with sheep son.

Solomon’s Mother: I am getting tired of going to all of your weddings. This constant planning and help with every new wife is just so time intensive and draining. Why can’t you only have eight wives like your father?

Elijah’s Mother: Always work hard son. God is not going to provide you with a Golden Chariot.

Joshua’s Mother: You need to prepare yourself, time doesn’t stop for anyone.

Moses’ Mother: I was always planning on you going on a nice cruise, sorry it had to be like this.

Moses’ Mother Part II: You have to learn to swim. It is not like the sea is going to part for you.

Abraham’s Mother: All this traveling and your self-importance of being the father of nations, and yet still you have not given us any grandchildren.

Isaac’s Mother: All father and son trips aren’t like the last one. Next time your father asks you to go up a mountain carrying wood on your back, just ask him if you can go fishing instead.

Shadrach’s Mother: Careful with the Bar-B-Que grill, you’ll burn yourself.

Methusulah’s Mother: Your already 180 years old. Don’t you think it time to settle down and have a family before you get to be be middle aged at 400?

Cain and Abel’s Mother: Eat your fruits or you get no dessert.

Update: Commenters have added some of their own biblical mothers.

If you think the phrase you can never be too rich, too thin or have too many shoes rings true, you just might be a bootist.

In Bootism: A Shoe Religion (Andrews McMeel Publishing, $10.95), authors Michael Duranko and Penina Goodman explore the world of the footwear-obsessed.

Like any religion, bootism comes with its own set of commandments (“A bootist shall not kill . . . unless someone is about to snag the last pair on sale in your size. A bootist shall not tell lies, . . . but you can misplace the receipt. A bootist shall not speak of others’ errors or faults, . . . however, judging their shoes is different”).

And mantras are common: “I will shoe-shop daily. I will honor my collection. I will revere Manolo Blahnik. There is always room for one more pair.”
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This people are in danger of losing their sole, which is no small feet.

If you ever wondered if their was a satrical Mormon web magazine, well the anwer is yes and it’s called the sugar beet. It contains some funny articles like the following:

Stake Members Asked to Stop Praying for Middle East Peace

THORNTON, CO—After hearing prayers for peace in the Middle East in three different wards during the past month, North Denver stake president David Welch asked all stake members to refrain from such prayers. “We know from revelation that the Middle East has to go to hell in a hand basket before the Savior can return,” said President Welch. “Praying for humans to find a successful resolution is relying on the arm of flesh. People may as well just pray that the Lord’s Second Coming will be delayed. Let those folks fight it out until it gets bad enough for the Savior to step in.”

Are dogmas dogging you down. Do you get your theology from ABC? Do you think that Jesus had a wife? Are the Gnostics not caustic to you? Is New Age all the rage? Do you find the resurrection of the dead silly but firmly believe in reincarnation and soul traveling? Does every TV special that starts with “The Real …” lead you to more unsound ideas? Are you constantly looking for a church that matches your infallible theological interpretations. Have you ever said “Hey, it’s the 21st century; surely we don’t still believe that?” Do you feel the desire to scratch your ears when hearing any new fly-by-night theology?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you are suffering from the itching ears virus. The technical name for this disease is hereticitis and results from an inner ear theological imbalance. Just as sometimes when suffering from an ear infection or blowing your nose it can cause you to lose balance and the world to spin in front of your eyes; hereticitis causes a theological imbalance because of the spin placed on the truth. The imbalance of theological fluids in your inner ear causes you try to remove the irritation by scratching your itchy ears. This is not a new disease but has been around for centuries as St. Paul attests to when he said “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own likings.”

Now that you know the cause you ask “Well what can I do about it and how can I return to sound doctrine?” The answer is this amazing new “Itching Ear Cream” made with totally organic components. We mixed equal parts of sacred scripture and sacred tradition with just the right amounts of magisterial teaching, obedience, and charity to come up with this amazing formula. To use this cream you only need to supply the humility to go with it. Each tube comes with a paperback edition of the Catechism of the Catholic Church to help you on the road to recovery.

Now available in both regular and Bishop strength. A special bulk order discount is currently available for American Episcopalians now through the end of the year.

Caution: If after ten days you still do not show signs of accepting sound doctrine please increase the does of humility and follow up with a visit to your family theologian (One free from hereticitis).

He who has itching ears, let them hear

Give a gift of eternal value, the gift of prayer. Includes a 6 oz bar of the finest milk chocolate, a beautiful set of Rosary beads, and Scriptural Rosary book on how to pray the Rosary. Call us about a “fundraising” opportunity that builds treasure where it lasts forever.

Jim Paras and Thomas Rutkoski have collaborated on a project designed to encourage prayer and fund local charities while satisfying sweet tooths.

Paras, president of the West View-based Betsy Ann Chocolates, and Thomas Rutkoski, founder of Gospa Missions in Evans City pooled resources to create The Chocolate Rosary.

The concept came to Paras as he developed new products for the holidays. Rutkoski had a similar notion while brainstorming for fund-raising projects during a retreat in Texas.

A chance meeting five years ago began a journey neither man could have predicted. Paras was searching for rosary beads when an employee suggested he try the Gospa religious goods store in Evans City because it was convenient to his home in Cranberry. While he was in the store, Rutkoski came in.

The volunteer introduced Paras as a candy maker, and Rutkoski said, “You’re just the guy to make me a chocolate rosary,” Paras recalled.
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St. John of the Cross talked about those who had a “spiritual sweet tooth” so I guess this might qualify. The rosary that melts in your mouth not in your hands.

Here are some other religious candies on the web.

Sweet Jesus

Pick up your cross daily. Yum!

Baptism lollipops now save you

GARLAND, Texas – For Dan Southern, Halloween isn’t about trick-or-treating.

It’s a time for “tracts and treats.”

His 10-year-old daughter, Tyler, will dress up as a princess, go door to door and offer Christian literature, or tracts, as thanks for lollipops and candy bars. Son Adam, 15, will stay home and give “Testamint” candy and “Scared Yet?” tracts to ghosts and goblins who stop by.

“It’s a natural opportunity because people are coming to your door, instead of you having to approach them,” said Southern, president of the American Tract Society and a former longtime crusade director for the Rev. Billy Graham.
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One way to save money in candy each year is to dress up like a fundamentalist preacher and answer the door yelling “Repent” and “Thall shall not suffer a witch” and also kneeling down and praying over those dressed in Harry Potter costumes.

I wonder if your a child in West Virginia mountains with parents members of Pentecostal Signs, if you look forward to the annual snake-bobbing contest. “Just remember son, you can pick up snakes and other deadly things and it won’t hurt you.”

I have seen the testamint candies in Christian stores, but nowhere else. With all of the tart candies out now they ought to come out with a line of sweet and sour eatable bible scrolls. “Takes like honey in you mouth, but bitter in you stomach” Then we would just need a clever name and an ad campaign so it could go national and not just sell as a novelty items in Christian Book stores.

“Revelation” the end of the world for you hunger. Revel in the flavor.

“Apoco-Lips” Lip smacking chocolate taste to die for.

“Scroll You!” The anti-social candy.

“Saintly Snacks” A crowd of witnesses testify to it’s heavenly flavor.

“Alpha & Omega” Tastes divine from beginning to end.

“Mary Maculates (M&M)” Taste so pure that you will give it twelve stars.

“Maranatha Munch” Coming soon!

In my web travels I notice that many Christian churches have logos and motto’s and here are some examples.

The Episcopal Church “We’re here for you”

The Methodist Church has “the world is my parish” and also “Open hearts. Open Minds. Open doors.”

Martin Luther is busy creating an up-to-date logo and motto.

Canadian Presbyterians have “Fanning the Flames”

The Southern Baptist Founders Conference has an interesting looking logo.

Mid-Maryland Baptist Association has “Churches networking to impact our world”

Here is a flash tract called “Jesus gets tough sins out ”

Assemblies of God have:

Finally a message that would make Dr. Frankenstein feel at home.

There does not seem to be an official Catholic Church motto so I will propose some.

Takes a licking, keeps on ticking.

Since the first Pope we have not Petered out.

2000 years of annoying people

Only you can prevent eternal fires

Got Milk and Honey?

We could advertise confirmation with “A little dab’ll do ya”

“Smells and Bells and help from going to….”

You got Tradition in my Scripture. You got Scripture in my Tradition. Two great tastes together at last.

People in the church who call themselves progressives frequently call for the church to address women’s issues. Progressives completely skip talking about progressing on men’s issues. There are some major inequalities in the way the church treats men. I would like to address some of these men’s issues from a more progressive progressives viewpoint.

Brothers are second class citizens. Why can’t men go into the convents and become sisters? Sure men can become brothers, but everybody knows that they are treated differently then nuns and their status is deemphasized. Even the secular society sees this inequality. Are there movies or TV shows about the Singing Brother, Flying Brother, or Brother Act? Where are the Brother art critics on PBS. Why does Dead Men Walking have a sister talking? Do you hear stories about strict brothers brandishing rulers? Where are the movies attacking laundries run by brothers? Even Christopher Hitchens doesn’t waste his time attacking Catholic Brothers. Do brothers get to wear nifty head-ware like nuns? No they get stuck with just a cowl which is not exactly the most flattering fashion accessory. There are no difference in Greek or Jew in Christ, yet we maintains this difference between sisters/brothers. Italy has a musical for Mother Teresa, but where are the musical celebrating Catholic Brothers? There is a glass ceiling imposed on brothers that keep them from rising to the same level as sisters.

Exclusive Male Biblical Texts. Who is the greatest saint? The Virgin Mary of course. No generations are calling any man as being blessed. Go to any daily Mass and you will find that the majority of people there are women. At the Cross we have a high infusions of Mary’s but only the Apostle John was there to represent the men. In an act of unbelievable bias all of St. Joseph’s lines were cut from the Gospels. The thread of thought in the Bible is exclusive toward men. Mary gets some choice lines and even gets to recite the Magnificat while Joseph is suppose to just shut up. Gabriel went first to Mary and only later let St. Joseph in on what was really going on. In the meantime poor St. Joseph was agonizing over what was happening. Zachariah makes a mistake in doubting that Elizabeth would become pregnant and again a man is made to shut up for a considerable length of time. Angels have this bad habit of dismissing the husbands. An angel let the mother of Sampson in on what was going to happen first and only later let the husband know. At the Presentation Simeon tells Mary that a sword will piece her heart without even a howdy-do to Joseph. Then St. Joseph just totally disappears from he story, no mention of what happened to him. Mary gets assumed and crowned, while Joseph is still waiting in line with everyone else for the second coming to get a body. Mary gets prominently mentioned in the Book of Revelations, but no mention of her hubby. We use to have a lock on the Doctor’s of the Church, but now women have swept the series in the last century.

Churches. Males our always getting hit for being the ones running the church. But is this really true. Call any church to make an appointment with the pastor. Will the phone be answered by a man, probably not. Look at the makeup of all the committees and then tell me males rule the church. If the common male truly ran the church then the interiors would look much different. For one we would generally have more stained glass windows of smiting and of Jesus knocking over the money lenders tables. How about a window of the view the David got staring down at Bathsheba? Men would never have come up with going to Mass on Sundays during football season. Men would have stratoloungers with beverage holders instead of plain pews. We would light bottle rockets instead of candles for prayer intentions and have beer and pretzels after Mass. There would be fishing retreats where we could listen to spiritual talks while fishing, if it was good enough for St. Peter and the boys it is good enough for us.

Multiple Opposite Sex Attraction Progressives are always trying to mainstream homosexual sex even though it totally goes against God’s plan for us. Well if we are going to ignore scripture and tradition in relation to these people, then why can’t we also do this for the average male. Most males are continuously attracted by other females. Why can’t we have sex with whomever we desire. Males can maintain and sustain a lifetime committed relationship until they are ready for the next lifetime committed relationship. Why should societal taboos that want a male to be faithful to whoever they are currently with be maintained. This is the 21st century why should we allow the medieval forced slavery of marriage and such to keep to keep us from our true natures. Why are there no Adulterers Pride parades? Where are the fornicator or adultery support groups. Why aren’t we allowed in the schools to promote tolerance of promiscuous heterosexual sex and unfaithful relationships. When some guy gets murdered for being caught in bed with someone’s wife where is the media outcry for this hate crime? Where are the complaints about these extramaritalphobes? This century we have made many inroads in males being able to act like they choose, but there are still barriers. St. Bill Clinton pray for us.

Contraception To guarantee our rights as free males we need contraception. How can we use women as sex objects and then move on if their is a possibility of a child resulting and incurring financial responsibilities on us. This is my wallet! Why should anybody be able to make decisions over my wallet? Why should the government interfere and force me to be responsible for possible offspring at the point of a gun? We are pro-wallet and while we support the right of other males to distribute from their wallet, we want to have full control over our wallets. Luckily the feminists have done much to help our agenda and pretty much we are able to use women as we desire.

Abortion. While we are theoretically against abortion since half those killed are males, as long as contraception is not 100% we still need it to protect are lifestyles and our wallets. Why should any females force on us the obligations of fatherhood? The government also needs to pay for these abortions since this issue again affects our wallets. What about male predators that are financially poor, why should they have to change their lifestyle because they can’t afford to pay for any resulting abortions. We will never be free to act as long as others can force responsibilities on us

Regular progressives have always been good at ignoring scripture and tradition and obedience is something they send their dogs to school for. We progressive progressives have some common goals with the regular progressives and we must work to change the church instead of ourselves. We can work toward perfection by making nothing sinful. We can work hand in hand with regular progressives to continue to destroy marriage and other inhibiting institutions.

Someone I work with told me this joke today.

A man was marooned on a desert island, and was the only inhabitant. Three years later he was rescued but his rescuers were puzzled why he built three buildings. “That’s simple, the one on the left is my house, the one in the middle is my church and the one on the right is the church I use to go to.”