Are dogmas dogging you down. Do you get your theology from ABC? Do you think that Jesus had a wife? Are the Gnostics not caustic to you? Is New Age all the rage? Do you find the resurrection of the dead silly but firmly believe in reincarnation and soul traveling? Does every TV special that starts with “The Real …” lead you to more unsound ideas? Are you constantly looking for a church that matches your infallible theological interpretations. Have you ever said “Hey, it’s the 21st century; surely we don’t still believe that?” Do you feel the desire to scratch your ears when hearing any new fly-by-night theology?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you are suffering from the itching ears virus. The technical name for this disease is hereticitis and results from an inner ear theological imbalance. Just as sometimes when suffering from an ear infection or blowing your nose it can cause you to lose balance and the world to spin in front of your eyes; hereticitis causes a theological imbalance because of the spin placed on the truth. The imbalance of theological fluids in your inner ear causes you try to remove the irritation by scratching your itchy ears. This is not a new disease but has been around for centuries as St. Paul attests to when he said “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own likings.”
Now that you know the cause you ask “Well what can I do about it and how can I return to sound doctrine?” The answer is this amazing new “Itching Ear Cream” made with totally organic components. We mixed equal parts of sacred scripture and sacred tradition with just the right amounts of magisterial teaching, obedience, and charity to come up with this amazing formula. To use this cream you only need to supply the humility to go with it. Each tube comes with a paperback edition of the Catechism of the Catholic Church to help you on the road to recovery.
Now available in both regular and Bishop strength. A special bulk order discount is currently available for American Episcopalians now through the end of the year.
Caution: If after ten days you still do not show signs of accepting sound doctrine please increase the does of humility and follow up with a visit to your family theologian (One free from hereticitis).
He who has itching ears, let them hear