Aug 082011

One of the things about becoming a saint is that there is some planning involved besides just living a life of heroic sanctity. For one planning the day you die. You really want to pick a day on the calendar where you will not be eclipsed by a more famous saint. If you are down to your last breath check the liturgical calendar and if it’s a famous saint’s feast day try to hold off till the next day. If you plan to be a martyr you might have less flexibility about this, though the benefit is that the investigation into your cause will go much faster.

Plus I think you really want to figure out what you are going to be the patron saint of ahead of time. Otherwise you might get one of those ironic patronages the Church seems to love so much. Pick wisely because you will be doing it for eternity or else you might get put in charge of the lost and found like St. Anthony.

Also I think you want to make it easy for the investigation into your cause. The less writing you do the better for those poor souls who have to read everything you wrote. For example don’t ever start a blog, believe me the investigators will thank you if you don’t. If you use Foursquare, just check-in to churches and retreat houses. If you use Facebook and somebody pokes you, never poke them back so as to turn the other cheek. It might also be helpful to maintain a list of everybody who knows you to make it easier for the investigators in their interviews. Remember the investigation into the cause of your sainthood can be long and drawn-out so the easier you make it for them the faster you are raised to the altar.

It is very important to remember to stay in good terms with your diocese and especially your bishop since he begins you investigation process. In fact a promoter group (‘Actor Causae’): diocese, parish, religious congregation, association, asks the bishop through the postulator for the opening of your investigation. So to be proactive get your friends and others together to form such a group while you are still alive and this will get things rolling much faster when you die. Set up your cult (in the Catholic sense) ahead of time and you won’t be sorry.

It is also a good idea to tag your personal possessions. This way it will be much easier to catalog your 2nd and 3rd degree relics. Don’t worry about 1st degree relics since they pretty much have that figured out.

There is also concern relating to incorruptibility. Now you probably won’t be be one of the uncorruptables, but if you are here on some tips. Remember you could be on display for hundreds and hundreds of years so any facial plastic surgery you are considering you might want to get it done sooner than later. Plus you just have to let some things go. For example no matter what you are wearing when you die it is going to go out of fashion. Though later on your clothes will probably come back in fashion just as long as you aren’t buried in a leisure suit.

This is a really important tip. Make sure you provide lots of photos of yourself smiling. Those iconographers always want to make you look so dour and we want to take St. Teresa of Avila’s advice about dour-faced saints. It couldn’t hurt to get with a good iconographer ahead of time to make sure they get it right.

Now you can’t plan everything ahead of time. For example you kind of have to wait till you die to get with God about the two miracles you are going to perform via intercession to him. Stay on good terms with God and this should go off without a hitch.

So as Patrick Coffin says “Be a saint, what else is there?” and plan ahead.

Update: In a later post I consider steps on planning to become a Doctor of the Church.

  11 Responses to “Saintly planning”

  1. Awesome! But would an incorruptible saint be reading a blog in the first place?? Oh well, there goes my chances.

  2. This is one of the funniest pieces I’ve read in years. I’ve shared it with my entire family. More, please!

  3. LOL, I once told a friend that if he committed suicide we you dress him in a leisure suit, encase him in lucite, and put him on display.

  4. And to think, I never really uderstood why you never saw a statue with a leisure suit!

    Don’t you think that they’ll just clothe you in whatever all the other statues are wearing this year?

  5. In case your body might be incorrupt, make sure you’re not cremated.

  6. I use to think it was sad I already designed my own holy card… but it just shows I have high aspirations and good planning skills.

  7. ps… you need to add the pic of Benedict making his 1st tweet to your banner up there. Not that I’m the type of person to come over to your home and tell you how to decorate… hell, yes I am.

  8. Thank you Jeff cause “IT” has been a long time since 95% of my bodily cells have laughed so much but then I must not even for a moment allow those other 5% cells of mine who think that they still have a chance to become a “Saint”. Let them not get wind of “IT” cause between you, me, my wife and any other still living cells who might be interested cause these cells often go on to spoil a good joke if you get my drift?

    For example! “ONE” of them just reminded me of 1970 when my wife and the rest of our flesh had been married for just about “ONE MONTH” or so. Back then we lived UP stairs with The Mayor of Pettawawa cause in those days our flesh was important if only for the fact that I was printing for Our Canadian Government at that “Time”.

    Anyway, “IT” just reminded me that after seeing a movie titled “The Man called Horse” and my wife and I were walking home one night, we noticed that half of the sky was lite UP with stars and the rest of the sky was pitch black, so go figure, this weakest, strongest cell of that day thought “IT” was a “Saint” and made me do push UP’s when I got home and again believe “IT” or not the rest of our cells co-operated and my flesh honestly did about 250 push UP’s before I colapsed and then i went downstairs to again look at the sky.

    One more time I say believe “IT” or not, this time, there were now about 3/4 of the sky lite UP with stars and the rest of the sky was pitch black so I again went UP and long story short, my flesh did about another 175 push UP and the stars increase to about 9/10 and my wife still recalls “IT” all. Long story short, after having told my wife that God must be UP SET with U>S (usual sinners), my flesh agreed with the spiritual world that we let “IT” be cause my loving wife, she started to become a little hysterical if you know what I mean, so me, myself and I accompagnied by my soul and spirit decided to stop trying to be a “Saint” for the time being. 🙂

    Jeff, in time to come, “IT” was so UP Lifting that “The Sisters” had to go down and have a good talk with peter and asked him to get behind NOW and so here we are with same-sex-blessing leading the way instead of my “Saintly Cell” of back then.

    I hear ya! I guess your wife could be right about you spoiling a good joke Victor!

    You think? 🙂


  9. You’re wrong about St. Anthony. He ran to the front of the line for the Lost and Found because he’s an extrovert who loves talking to people. Now, no one gets more conversational traffic than St. Anthony, except probably the Blessed Mother.

  10. So all that junk in the garage and basement become 3rd class relics and will disappear quickly!

  11. A friend of mine once told me she wanted to be buried in a Tupperware casket. But then, she wasn’t Catholic.

 Leave a Reply

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>