Humor

You know you are being trivial when you are annoyed by the form of the ashes on your head received from the disposition of the ashes during today’s Mass. Every year I hope for a shape that somewhat resembles a cross. Instead it is the sign of the smudge. Is it just me or do others desire a nice POD ash shaped cross centered nicely on their forehead? Well this is the season of penance so I should just get over it or maybe next year I should volunteer to help do the ashes. Maybe I will have more sympathy for the priest and the laity doing this after they have drawn their hundredth cross in a row. Though maybe I would come up with a better way to do it. Possibly a cross stencil with a sprayer connected to a canister of ashes would do nicely. Followed by a spray of some kind of clear coat to keep it intact for the day.

Here is a ash related story.

AKRON, Ohio You have to burn something to get the ashes used on Ash Wednesday — and that triggered a false alarm this week at a Catholic church in Akron, Ohio.
Somebody called the fire departmnt when black smoke was seen billowing from the back of the St. Martha Church rectory.

When firefighters arrived, they found a priest tending a fire of palm fronds. He says his fire must have been smokier this year because it’s the first time the fire department has shown up.

Catholic Ragemonkey Fr. Hamilton seems to have had better luck.

For Lent I will continue blogging as a penance for others. I will try to provide you with plenty of punance during this punitential season.

Here is some Lent trivia I posted in previous years.

The capybara kap-i-‘bar-uh,
hydrochoerus hydrochaeris, is a semi-aquatic rodent of South and Central America.
It is the only species in its genus, which belongs to the family Hydrochoeridae,
order Rodentia.

When the Spanish missionaries
found the capybara in Brazil during the 16th century, they wrote to the Pope
to ask – there’s an animal here that’s scaly but also hairy, spends most of
its time in the water but occasionally comes on land; can we classify it as
a fish (and thus, the indigenous people could continue to eat it during Lent)?.
Not having a clear description of the animal (and not wanting the petitioners
to starve), the Pope agreed and declared it to be a fish.

The pretzel has a deep spiritual meaning
for Lent. In fact, it was the ancient Christian Lenten bread as far back as
the fourth century. In the old Roman Empire, the faithful kept a very strict
fast all through Lent: no milk, no butter, no cheese, no eggs, no cream and
no meat. They made small breads of water, flour and salt, to remind themselves
that Lent was a time of prayer. They shaped these breads in the form of crossed
arms for in those days they crossed their arms over the breast while praying.
Therefore they called the breads “little arms” (bracellae). From this Latin
word, the Germanic people later coined the term “pretzel.”
[Full Article]

The Teutonic word Lent, which we employ to denote the forty days’
fast preceding Easter, originally meant no more than the spring season. Still
it has been used from the Anglo-Saxon period to translate the more significant
Latin term quadragesima (Fr. car�me, It. quaresima, Span. cuaresma), meaning
the “forty days”, or more literally the “fortieth day”. This in turn imitated
the Greek name for Lent, tessarakoste (fortieth), a word formed on the analogy
of Pentecost (pentekoste), which last was in use for the Jewish festival before
New Testament times.

Carnival means "farewell to meat.”

It was thought that misfortune would come to those who married
during lent – “Marry in Lent, live to repent” – because lent was a time for
abstinence.

I have also changed one of my top graphics to this.

Bruce C., a reader, sent me the following suggestions in response to the Rainbow Sash controversy:

I was curious if the Archdiocese, while in the process of researching for a uniform policy towards sash-wearers is still going to allow the typical sash-wearer to receive communion, if other kinds of sash-wearers would receive the same deference. I am not suggesting sashes in the spirit of protest and animosity, but more sashes such as the identified gentleman that are worn in the spirit of ‘celebration’. I humbly submit my own idea for celebration.

1) Alcoholics who are proud of their state of life could wear sashes made of bar napkins, or beer labels, because – hey! Jesus went to a week long kegger too, and even made some special brew when his mom told him the kegs were dry.

2) Gluttons are people too! How about a sash of sausage links! Or Big Mac’s strung together ready to snack on in case the homily gets a little long.

3)I Notice that the sidewalk around my downtown office is always littered with placards from the local strip clubs, easily recycled into sashes- bad taste you say? You judgmental bigots bent upon oppression!

4) And speaking of oppression – how about communist flags made into sashes? The problem with communism wasn’t the murderers that implemented it, we need the right people to do it. 100,000,000 murdered people is the price you pay to get it right.

5) What about the slothful? They will get back to us when they get around to it.

6) And don’t forget the proud! They sure won’t! Sashes made of self-portraits and awards no matter how insignificant celebrate that I am receiving a God who wants to be with ME!

7) Angry people may just as well wear a sash made of emotional hand-grenades. Mostly finger gestures.

8) Envious people can make a sash out of old "He who dies with the most toys wins" posters.

9) Greedy people – money, fake money of course. Why would you wreck good dollars just to make a garment?

10) Viva Los Vegas! light-up dice and cards, add some slot machine sounds and you’ve got a party that never ends!

Remember the issue here is not to promote antagonism against church teaching, or morality in general – Its all about "celebrating". Whatever that means, fill in the blank. I would be curious if the communion minister would eventually loose patience with it all and finally say "Enough! this isn’t your stage for the pushing of your personal agenda! This is the place where we humbly receive a merciful and just God into our bodies!". Probably not without a good deal of study on the subject, I would expect.

Great suggestions. I am wondering if I should look into getting the disordered sash concession at Catholic book stores. There might be some money in making sashes that proclaim a disordered message. Why should homosexual activists have all the fun sashaying around in their sashes?

• Adulterous Pride Sashes – To bring the gifts, witnesses, and the challenge of adulterers into the heart of the Church. Sashes could be made up of a string of shattered wedding rings or pictures of their latest soul mate.
• Pride Pride Sashes – Why not be prideful that you are prideful. To often prideful people are oppressed by the reading and homilies demanding that they conform and be humble. This talk of Jesus humbling himself and coming in the form of a servant is hurtful and non-caring when it comes to the prideful. Bruce’s suggestion of self-portraits and awards is great for this. Sash’s could be made with plastic pockets like what comes in wallets to display your greatest possession – yourself.
• Contraception Pride Sashes – How about all those Catholics that are oppressed by a Church that just won’t roll with the times. Come on the majority of Catholics practice contraception so while they are hardly ever oppressed by homilies on this subject. The Catechism and Church teaching still hasn’t given in on this. The sashes could be made out of birth control pill containers strung together with condoms.
• Uncharitable Pride Sashes – For those who do not have a charitable disposition and are imposed on when some busy-body usher shoves a offering basket under their nose they can have a sash that says it all. The sash would come with lettering saying "Charity begins at home – my home and that’s it."

And if sashes are fine for those who dissent from church teaching how about those who are upset with liturgical mediocrity?

• Gregorian Chant Sash Movement – In a show of solidarity with the past and to dissent from OCP and GIA sashes could be made of Gregorian Chant CD attached together with mini-organ clips.

Now you know of course the Gregorian Change Sash Movement would be stopped in it’s tracks and somehow amazingly Bishops would find that this was inappropriate and should immediately be stopped. Obviously I would never actually advocate the use of such a sash but it would be interesting to see Archbishop Flynn’s reaction.

From the Catholic Encyclopedia:

Shrove Tuesday

The English term "shrovetide" (from "to shrive", or hear confessions) is sufficiently explained by a sentence in the Anglo-Saxon "Ecclesiastical Institutes" translated from Theodulphus by Abbot Aelfric (q.v.) about A.D. 1000: "In the week immediately before Lent everyone shall go to his confessor and confess his deeds and the confessor shall so shrive him as he then my hear by his deeds what he is to do [in the way of penance]". In this name shrovetide the religious idea is uppermost, and the same is true of the German Fastnacht (the eve of the fast). It is intelligible enough that before a long period of deprivations human nature should allow itself some exceptional licence in the way of frolic and good cheer. No appeal to vague and often inconsistent traces of earlier pagan customs seems needed to explain the general observance of a carnival celebration. The only clear fact which does not seem to be adequately accounted for is the widespread tendency to include the preceding Thursday (called in French Jeudi gras and in German fetter Donnerstag — just as Shrove Tuesday is respectively called Mardi gras and fetter Dienstag) with the Monday and Tuesday which follow Quinquagesima. The English custom of eating pancakes was undoubtedly suggested by the need of using up the eggs and fat which were, originally at least, prohibited articles of diet during the forty days of Lent. The same prohibition is, of course, mainly responsible for the association of eggs with the Easter festival at the other end of Lent. Although the observance of Shrovetide in England never ran to the wild excesses which often marked this period of licence in southern climes, still various sports and especially games of football were common in almost all parts of the country, and in the households of the great it was customary to celebrate the evening of Shrove Tuesday by the performance of plays and masques. One form of cruel sport peculiarly prevalent at this season was the throwing at cocks, neither does it seem to have been confined to England. The festive observance of Shrovetide had become far too much a part of the life of the people to be summarily discarded at the Reformation. In Dekker’s "Seven Deadly Sins of London", 1606, we read: "they presently, like prentices upon Shrove-Tuesday, take the game into their own hands and do what they list"; and we learn from contemporary writers that the day was almost everywhere kept as a holiday, while many kinds of horseplay seem to have been tolerated or winked at in the universities and public schools.

The Church repeatedly made efforts to check the excesses of the carnival, especially in Italy. During the sixteenth century in particular a special form of the Forty Hours Prayer was instituted in many places on the Monday and Tuesday of Shrovetide, partly to draw the people away from these dangerous occasions of sin, partly to make expiation for the excesses committed. By a special constitution addressed by Benedict XIV to the archbishops and bishops of the Papal States, and headed "Super Bacchanalibus", a plenary indulgence was granted in 1747 to those who took part in the Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament which was to be carried out daily for three days during the carnival season.

So in England it is known as Pancake day and here is another tradition there.

One of Britain’s oldest and more physically demanding Shrove Tuesday traditions will take place today to raise money for a more modern cause – victims of the Asian tsunami.

The Atherstone Ball Game, which sees hundreds of local men charging through the Warwickshire town in pursuit of an oversized 4lb leather ball, is now in its 806th year.

It has traditionally been started by local celebrities and even royalty.

But this year, a 72-year-old local man, Roland ‘Roly’ Sanders, has the honour of throwing it into the crowd from the Barclays Bank balcony on Long Street.

The water-filled ball, made by famous rugby ball manufacturers Gilbert of Rugby, normally has three red, white and blue ribbons attached to it.

This year, a fourth black ribbon will be added in memory of those who lost their lives in the devastating earthquake on Boxing Day. The ribbon will read: “RIP Tsunami victims.”

Competitors can try to grab one of the ribbons for a cash prize of £10 before the no-holds barred tussling and scrummaging for the ball begins in earnest. [Source]

Or this one:

Liberal is gearing up for the annual Pancake Day race.

The race is held in Liberal and Olney, England, on Shrove Tuesday, which is also known as Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday and Pancake Day.

The race will start at 11:55 a.m. Tuesday. Female competitors will run a zigzag course, carrying a skillet

. The pancake must be flipped at the starting line and at the finish.

The women of Liberal have won the last six races.

A three-day celebration leading up to the big contest began Saturday, with pancake-eating contests, flapjack-flipping competitions and other activities.

I was not aware that pancakes were so dangerous and this article tittled The Pain of Pancake Day relates:

Around 250 people will end up in hospital today after cooking pancakes during Shrove Tuesday celebrations, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents reveals.

More than 200 of those will be children who suffer burns from hot frying pans.

Well you still have time to get e-shriven today through e-fession.

Seeing various reactions in the blogosphere for how the media fell for the hostage hoax a a photo of what was actually a G.I. Joe doll is pretty funny. Powerline’s response is extremely funny as is Scrappleface’s (as usual). I can just visualize swarms of reporters gathering around Barbie’s Dream House waiting to interview the distressed Barbie doll. Now of course even the media would have seen though the hoax when they decapitated the G.I. Joe doll by simply pulling his head off. Though I am disturbed by the implications of what the kidnapping of good old American G.I. Joes means. Could this indicate that Al Qaida has hooked up with COBRA? The war on terror won’t be won until we have captured Cobra Commander who is rumored to be hiding out some where near the border of Afghanistan. I am still waiting to hear if Beach Head will mount a team to rescue the captured Joe?

A reader sent me a link to this Daughters of Wisdom site saying that it looks like one of my parodies. They do have some resemblance to the philosophy of my Thoroughly Modern Mary parody site (and I do need to post some more wisdom of Sister Mary Biko, PhD.) Reading through this site made me wonder if the Daughters of Charity are now a religious organization attached to the United Nations. You would find that the Daughters of Wisdom was founded by St. Louis-Marie Grignion de Montfort, but you would have no idea of the deep Marian devotion and theology of their founder. The Holy Father’s motto is Totus Tuus — short for "I am all yours, Mary, and all that I have is yours." This was based on the theology of St. Louis-Marie Grignion de Montfort of "to Jesus through Mary" since the Pope was heavily influenced by de Monfort’s classic work. Of course you wouldn’t come to find any information such as that on this site, in fact by the number of references and articles you would have thought that they were founded by Secretary General Kofi Annan.

For instance there is a page on the UN’s Earth Charter which is filled with talking about sustainability and reproductive health and responsible reproduction. Terms the left uses for abortion and contraception.

They had a presentation conducted by Dr. Carolyn Hannan who is the head of the UN Division for the Advancement of Women (DAW) and is a Swedish expert in "gender mainstreaming." She is heavily involved in CEDAW which the Vatican has fought against and has called motherhood "reproductive labor."

And then there is an account of the
Daughters of Wisdom at a session of the United Nations. So if devotion to the UN is acceptable then these sisters are really POD.

Now as to be expected they use common progressive feminine buzz words as Wisdom/Sophia/Jesus and have enlightened liturgies.

A Eucharist of Thanksgiving followed, celebrated by Reverend Don LaSalle, SMM. The Offertory included liturgical dance led by Sr. Laura Algiere, Associate Joyce Smillie, and Sr. Marilyn Soeder, bringing a candle for the light of Wisdom; a response statue for openness to the Christ light; and the Earth taken from the hilltop at Litchfield. The entire assembly joined in reverent gestures on the last refrain of “May all I do today be for the healing of the world.” As part of the Communion meditation, all processed forward to receive a packet of the Earth.

Wow I have been to many Masses but I have never received a packet of dirt. I really feel gypped about this. Now when it comes to reverential gestures you can guess what is coming.

During a Communion meditation, Sr. Laura Algiere, DW offered a reverent liturgical dance to Gounod’s Ave Maria.

The reader who sent this in commented I thought "reverent liturgical dance" must be an oxymoron. Here is another example:

"As a Communion meditation, Sr. Marilyn Soeder offered a reverent liturgical dance to "Be Not Afraid",

First liturgical dance to "Ave Maria" and then on another day to "Be Not Afraid." I say be afraid, be very afraid. I would almost like a video for this just in time for Lent as a serious penance. You of course can also go to Wisdom House and book reservations for "Labyrinth: Theatre of Enlightenment" which are run by an Episcopal priestess named Dr. Lauren Artress. So just in case you don’t understand the labyrinth she explains it as :a model of spiritual cosmology that is quite unrecognizable to the modern mentality." Got that now? Of course you know what you sing inside of a labyrinth – A-Maze-ing Grace.

Having a weakness for martial arts movies,especially really hokey Chinese wire-fu ones, I am use to the strange names to fighting styles such as "Flying Crane Hand" or "Wushu eagle claw." This is what came to mind when I saw the following.

"Where for Art Thou, Juliet?" fighting style		Orthodoxy Stay-Away Hands		Stop the liturgy – what time is it hands.

Listening to the homily at Mass today on the Beatitudes my imagination started to wander when it should have been engaged in wonder. As a kid I had been a big Beatles fan and when other kids brought 45s (showing my age) like the Archie’s "Sugar, Sugar" for a school party, I brought the Beatle’s Sergeant Pepper’s album to class. I was rather disappointed when the teacher refused to play anything off of it. Now what does this have to do with a homily on the Beatitudes? Well the homily lead me to a train of thought where if I persevere and make it to Purgatory will probably cost me some extra time or whatever goes for time there. I wondered what if Paul McCartney had absorbed the piety of his Catholic Mother. What if John Lennon instead of shoplifting items from a Roman Catholic Bookshop had read books from there instead. Instead of the Lennon quipping "We’re bigger than Jesus" we might have more of a John Lennon the Baptist and "He must increase, and I must increase." In this alternate reality we would never had had to suffer through the lyrics of Imagine and might have had something more meaningful. In this alternate reality what if the Fab Four had instead started a group called "The Beatitudes."

And of course Abbey Roads would be in front a a real abbey!

Hey Jude would be about the Apostle Jude and ticket to ride would be about Baptism.

And who knows maybe a Pope would have been named after The Beatitudes: Pope John Paul George Ringo I

And here is one of there hits, Mystery.

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, mystery.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, mystery.

Mystery, Mystery, Mystery, Mystery.
The Holy Trinity, Mystery

Father, Son and Holy Spirit three persons the Trinity
How is this reality, mystery.
For though they can’t be parted there is still a chance that we will see,
This undivided unity. mystery.

Mystery, Mystery, Mystery, Mystery.
The Holy Trinity, Mystery

And when the clouds had parted, there is still a light, that shines on He,
This is my beloved son, mystery
I see a vision of his mother, mother Mary to us pleas,
Listen to his words of wisdom, mystery.

Mystery, Mystery, Mystery, Mystery.
The Holy Trinity, Mystery

In what the media called an overreaction by James Dobson about SpongeBob and the diversity video, we now have the very opposite overreaction.

"Get dolls, buy stickers," he said. "Do something."

Tyger is asking people to bring their dolls to services on Feb. 6 so that they can be placed in windows of the church until Easter.

The national Web site for the United Church of Christ (www.ucc.org) shows a large SpongeBob doll being welcomed to its headquarters in Cleveland.

In one of the photos, SpongeBob sits across from the UCC’s general minister and president, who says, "No matter who you are or where you are on life’s journey, SpongeBob, you’re welcome here."

Ray Grosswirth, a local Roman Catholic layman, said he’d like to see a poster of Pope John Paul II with his arm around SpongeBob’s shoulder.

Maybe churches could consider the slogan "SpongeBob: A wonderful addition for the Holy Sea," Grosswirth said.

Now myself and others think that the original controversy missed the main points and focused it mainly on the cartoon an not the tolerance video and the organization behind it. Suggestions to put SpongeBob dolls in a church until Easter might be penitential, but shouldn’t they at least put up purple SpongeBobs during Lent? At least the Catholic layman mentioned did not desire a Stations of the Spongebob during Lent. It would really be hard to meditate on "SpongeBob is condemned to dry up" or "SpongeBob is stripped of his square pants."

The Rev. John H. Thomas, general minister and president of the UCC, welcomes SpongeBob to the UCC’s national offices in Cleveland. Randy Varcho/UCC Photo

Now I have often wondered if the United Church of Christ’s web site was actually a parody site and I think this clinches it.

Now as for Ray Grosswirth’s wish for a picture of SpongeBob and the Pope, well there is this rare picture.

This though does make me wonder about the implications of intelligent sponges and baptism. Now of course a sponge would be quite comfortable receiving baptism via full immersion. Though I can think of some practical difficulties. I would recommend if you are baptizing a group of people that you baptize the sponge last. If the sponge goes first you might not have any water left over.

Now I am not going to get deep into the theological debate over whether if an asexual sponge can be gay. It would seem to me that the only real disordered desire for a sponge would be to have sex with someone other then there self.

Now I myself have never sat down and watched a SpongeBob episode. I am more of a Cartoon Network watcher then NickToons. Though apologist extraordinary Jimmy Akin does have a positive review of the SpongeBob movie.

Some have asked me about the Prayboy graphic that appears at the top of this site. It was part of this parody on Christian zines for teenage boys.

Catholic Humorist Tim Bete in a sample from his new book In The Beginning … There Were No Diapers has a humorous online quiz on his site to determine "Are you a parent"