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Cramming for Holy Week

by Jeffrey Miller
written by Jeffrey Miller

Once again my plans for a Holy Lent have been dashed by reality.

Sure I had a framework planned out involving more prayer and fasting. Most of that lasted the whole first week of Lent and then I started to find excuses to lighten up. Not that my initial plan was over the top or beyond my reach. Just that once again I tried to brute-force holiness by doing stuff and forgetting to invite God into this. A stoic at prayer.

Not that it was a total failure. I did manage to be very consistent in the course of spiritual reading I set out for each day. With the help of the Strides app I have also managed to pray the Rosary each day when before I was rather less consistent on weekends.

Still I notice the same awful tendencies I have and self-centeredness. Still Lent does help me to be more aware of this and even failing I see myself failing and resorting to prayer. I try to put the Jesus Prayer on continuous loop at these times. Lent can often be a good cure for spiritual pride as you find any spiritual pride to be rather ridiculous in face of the truth. I provide myself comic relief by laughing at myself.

Last night while thinking about my Lenten misadventure I remembered Lent wasn’t over yet.

So I am going to cram for Holy Week. Pick up that dropped framework and carry it out for the rest of Lent and the Triduum before Easter.

Like most crammers I have the expectation that I can make up my lack of progress the night before Easter. I will just pull a Lenten all-nighter figuratively. Yeah that’s the ticket. Besides Jesus paid those late workers in The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard. So I’m holding him to that.

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HumorSaints

Another edition of “Headline News”

by Jeffrey Miller
written by Jeffrey Miller

Such a headline:

“Pope imposes financial oversight for saints after abuses”

You would think those saints in Heaven wouldn’t be such spendthrifts. I guess they get giddy with their mansions in our Father’s house.

Still I got to love phrases like:

Vatican’s multimillion-dollar saint-making machine

Although there was very good reason for reform as bureaucracies tend towards corruption. The Congregation for the Causes of Saints is not necessarily staffed by saints to say the least.

The books estimated the average cost for each beatification at around 500,000 euros ($550,000), with much of the proceeds going to a few lucky people with contracts to do the often time-consuming investigations into the candidates’ lives. The family of one well-known investigator, for example, also had the Vatican monopoly on printing the documentation for each saintly cause, studies that often amount to dozens of volumes.

While candidates who inspire wealthy donors would sprint ahead, those with less wealthy fans would languish. American saints often cost the most precisely because the most money was donated, and the postulator could spend it on the best researchers to get the cause through, according to the book “Avarice” by journalist Emiliano Fittipaldi.

This shows one reason why I am thinking ahead for my own canonization. I was thinking about running a GoFundMe campaign to make sure I have the necessary bucks to sustain the costs involved. Plus I just can’t rely on large crowds of people chanting “Santo Subito” after I die, especially the people that knew me.

Another phrase I liked in the article was “science-defying miracles” – take that science. That might be a common view of miracles, but an incorrect one. I like this explanation from Catholic Answers

A miracle may be defined as an event that occurs in nature but that has a cause lying outside nature, that is, a supernatural cause. Miracles are not violations of the laws of nature. The way we know if an event is a miracle is by seeing if it could have been caused by natural forces.

The language in this article cracks me up.

Martyrs, or people who were killed for their faith, get a free pass and can be beatified without a miracle.

Martyrs are encourage by that “free pass”, dying for their faith is such a shortcut.

Still it does remind me of that wonderful line in Flannery O’Connor’s “A Temple of the Holy Ghost”:

“She could never be a saint, but she thought she could be a martyr if they killed her quick.”

Still as awkward as this article was at times in how it was worded, it is at least one that tried to do the subject some justice. However clumsily that was.

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Humor

Making programming great again

by Jeffrey Miller
written by Jeffrey Miller

This is pretty funny – TrumpScript is a programming language that thinks and acts like Donald.

Warning: Programming geek humor ahead.

Features

  • All numbers must be strictly greater than 1 million. The small stuff is inconsequential to us.
  • There are no import statements allowed. All code has to be home-grown and American made.
  • Instead of True and False, we have fact and lie.
  • Only the most popular English words, Trump’s favorite words, and current politician names can be used as variable names.
  • Error messages are mostly quotes directly taken from Trump himself.
  • All programs must end with America is great.
  • Our language will automatically correct Forbes’ $4.5B to $10B.
  • In its raw form, TrumpScript is not compatible with Windows, because Trump isn’t the type of guy to believe in PC.
  • The language is completely case insensitive.

To which I would add:

  • Has localization where text can change based on location such as Iowa. This feature is found in all standards politican-based languages.
  • TrumpScript does have inheritance, since your business logic needs an eight figure inheritance to start off just like Donald.
  • Also includes interfaces, but it is pronounced “In your faces”.
  • All items are objects since TrumpScript has no class.
  • In addition to Windows, TrumpScript also can not be compiled on Macs until Apple ‘start building their damn computers and things’ in the US.
  • TrumpScript is built for security. It’s sandboxing is a walled-garden and he is making the Mexicans pay for it.
  • While TrumpScript only uses integers this is despite them being rational numbers. Just that he is ratioally insensitive.
  • There is no decrementing such as — since TrumpScript makes everything great again and there is alway incremental progress.
  • All comments must be written in caps and exclamation marks are required at the end of all comments.
  • Compiler warnings are phrased in terms of insults regarding how crappy of a programmer you are.
  • You should use interfaces, properties, methods, and events in a programming model since Trump married three models.
  • TrumpScript is totally object-oriented and women are always objectified.
  • The language is especially suite for generating comments on blogs and other web sites.
  • Best practices for TrumpScript encourages lots and lots of properties and the acquisition thereof, which must be named starting with Trump.
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HumorPro-life

The 2017 March For Life (News from the Future)

by Jeffrey Miller
written by Jeffrey Miller

The major snow storm last year affected the March for Life where some groups had to cancel busses of people who had planned to attend. Despite the awful weather conditions people still turned out to protest and pray to end abortion. Really an amazing turnout despite the weather.

Still most were not exactly thrilled with the cold conditions and the snow. Last year we talked to Karon Braswell from South Carolina who paraphrased St. Teresa of Avila “If this is how you treat your friends, no longer you have so few of them.”

This year due to an enterprising pro-life business many of these problems will be minimized despite the weather. During the 2016 march Aaron Horton started thinking about what could be done to increase participation.

“While each year there is a significant turn out, there are still people who don’t participate with the weather being one of the factors. Plus there are many who would love to march to end the scourge of abortion, but just can’t get here. My day job involves helping businesses to facilitate remote working conditions and to provide maximum virtual interaction through the use of telepresence robots. These robots can be remotely driven and display a picture of the face of the person operating it. I realized that this would be perfect for those unable to attend.”

Aaron Horton made available a large fleet of telepresence robots that he ironically calls Roe-Bots. While Roe V. Wade was the landmark decision by the Supreme Court regarding abortion, the anonymous Jane Roe in the decision (Norma McCorvey) never had an abortion and has been active in pro-life demonstrations. His Roe-Bots have been equipped with snow treads for the typical climate conditions in Washington D.C. in January.

Some of this years marchers have wondered if this large number of telepresence robots marching along with the other marchers would be reported negatively by the Press. Some joked that telepresence robots representing reporters would be sent to cover the event. As events unrolled though it was obvious that this years March for Life would once again get the media’s undivided neglect. After this year’s march Perry J. Lambert from Los Angeles, Ca remarked about the media’s refusal to cover this event. “They are like the Eye of Sauron, they are looking everywhere with unblinking intensity except where Sam and Frodo are in their attempt to destroy the evil ring. Hopefully we will one day provide the Mt. Doom to abortion.”

A group of Telepresence Marchers

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Humor

Catholic blogger fails to equate Thanksgiving with Eucharist

by Jeffrey Miller
written by Jeffrey Miller

Robert L. Barile a Catholic blogger has a couple of posts on Thanksgiving Day in the two year run of his blog “Incipe, procurre, persiste!”. Yet has not mentioned once that Eucharist means Thanksgiving. No mention at all regarding the etymology of Eucharist from the Greek eucaristia. Other Catholic bloggers and blog readers have shown some surprise at this lack.

Exie Doolittle who is a convert to Catholicism and a heavy reader of Catholic blogs just kept waiting for Mr. Barile to make this connection of his blog. “I kept refreshing his blog today and still no mention of this connection. It is traditional for Catholic bloggers to remind readers of this on Thanksgiving Day. I don’t know what his problem is.”

Others have noted that not only has he failed to mention this but hasn’t even referenced once that the Native American Squanto who helped the Pilgrims was Catholic. Also he totally failed to mention that the first Thanksgiving actually took place in St. Augustine, Fl in 1565 fifty years before the Pilgrims arrived. A Mass was given which included the local native people (Timucuan).

Nick Hardwick who reads this blog says “I’m hoping that next year this will finally happen. If not I am giving up on his blog. Hopefully he will get the word that he is failing in his duties as a Catholic blogger.”

  • Note: I picked up the fictitious blog name from a post at Aliens in this world. It does make a good motto.
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HumorSacraments

Confession and Mercy

by Jeffrey Miller
written by Jeffrey Miller

The Lafayette Diocese has created a new and easier way for outreach with the Catholic Church.

They’ve converted an old ambulance into a mobile confessional called a spiritual care unit. With a picture of Jesus and Bible verses on the side, the new unit is for spiritual emergencies, specifically remodeled for prayer and confessions.

“It’s a way that we can give some pride and public expression of our Catholic faith that is not just meant for the walls of the church, but on the streets,” Father Michael Champagne, a priest at Lafayette Diocese, said.

The unit is part of Pope Francis’ Year of Mercy that begins on December 8. Thanks to an anonymous donation, it took two weeks to complete the unit that Champagne calls a church on wheels.

“We need to go to where people are. People come to the church as a center of worship and pray, but we also have to do outreach,” Champagne said.

Not only is the vehicle a way to bring more people to the Catholic church, but it makes going to confession easier for people with busy schedules.

“Pope Francis is asking us to go out of to the peripheries of the church and now we have the means to do that,” Bishop Michael Jarrell said.

Inside the unit there are Bibles, rosaries and even holy water. It’s fully equipped to spiritually care for others.

“There’s no sin in the world that’s too big for God’s mercy,” Champagne said. “We want to extend and preach the gospel of mercy to our people.”

The spiritual care unit will make stops around Acadiana beginning on December 8, for the beginning for the holy year of mercy. Source

One of the things I love about this story is the direct connection between repentance and mercy. Often when mercy gets bandied about there is hardly a connection to sin. That mercy is a free-ride requiring no repentance.

Archbishop Chaput recently wrote for First Things a mentioned in the National Catholic Register.

“Ironically, a pastoral strategy that minimizes sin in the name of mercy cannot be merciful, because it is dishonest,”

I only hope I hear more regarding the Archbishop’s correct view of mercy than the false view of mercy often pedaled during this upcoming Year of Mercy. As Pope Francis wrote in Misericordiae Vultus

Mercy is not opposed to justice but rather expresses God’s way of reaching out to the sinner, offering him a new chance to look at himself, convert, and believe.

Now as to mobile confessionals this certainly not a new idea. I’ve seen pictures of one in Germany and another from France. No doubt there are many others.

Sadly the following image is not real as it was done by a hoaxster.

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HumorLiturgy

Confusion reigns as cantor fails to raise her arm

by Jeffrey Miller
written by Jeffrey Miller

Last Sunday at Saint Cecilia Catholic Church in Huntington, NY a series of unfortunate events left the parishioners on edge and confused.

It started during the singing of the Responsorial Psalm when the cantor failed to raise her arm up to indicate when the parishioners were to sing the response. People were just looking at one another waiting for the cue to sing. An awkward silence was evident while people awaited the visual cue.

The confusion continued when before The Universal Prayer that no mention of the proper response was made. One person did manage a tentative “Lord hear our prayers”, but stopped when no one else joined in. One person complained after Mass that “Just because Lord hear our prayers was the same response used everywhere for years, you just felt comforted knowing exactly what you were to say beforehand.”

Due to a scheduling problem there were not enough ushers to stand next to a row of pews to indicate when that row was to get up to go to receive Communion. As a result everybody from the first to the last row tried to all go at the same time.

The problems multiplied when at the end of Mass there was a failure to read the various announcements from the parish bulletin. Several parishioners were thus forced to read the bulletin themselves.

This uneasiness continued when after the priest said “Go forth, the Mass is ended” there was no “Have a good weekend everybody!” Without the final, final dismissal people were unsure if the Mass had actually ended or not. Some people were actually delayed before they could finally rush out to their car and speed out of the parking lot.

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HumorLiturgy

Don’t tase me bro

by Jeffrey Miller
written by Jeffrey Miller

Via Fr. Z is a story that proved truth is stranger than fiction.

Tambourine player tased during church service

EDMOND, Okla. – Most churches encourage praise and worship. In fact, the Bible states, “make a joyful noise to the Lord.”

But 50-year-old Vickey Sue Beyersdorfer apparently went a bit too far.

Oklahoma County Sheriff’s Department Spokesman Mark Myers said, “Nobody could pay attention to the sermon or what was going on so that’s when our deputy was able to take care of the situation.”

The religious ruckus happened at Victory Church at 1515 N. Kelly Ave in Edmond.

A woman was apparently playing a tambourine too loudly during Wednesday night services.

When she refused to stop, the woman was escorted out by an off duty Oklahoma County Sheriff’s Deputy.

Myers said, “He had to physically escort her outside the church. Once outside, she broke free from the deputy and tried to go back inside, there became a physical confrontation.”

According to the arrest report, the deputy was forced to pepper spray and tase the unruly woman.

Myers said, “She was not filled with the Holy spirit. She was not being very Christianly and this is why the folks decided to get her out as soon as possible.”

Witnesses said the combative Christian was staggering and had slurred speech.

Authorities did find prescription pain medication in her possession.

Authorities have not said if that medication was found in her system or if that may have contributed to the incident.

  • Bolding is retained from original story

Hey Mrs. Tamborine woman, don’t play a song for me.

Now I wonder if prescription pain medicine could be at the root of all the enthusiastic percussionists I encounter at Mass. Except usually I am the one wanting the pain medicine as a result.

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