May 212012


Cafeteria Catholic Commencement Competition

Washington D.C. – May 21, 2012 – Increased competition in the commencement speech market for Catholic educational institutions has led to a tightened market for inappropriate commencement speakers.

We are proud to introduce a new site to help Catholic educational institutions grab a headline and send a message at the same time. While Cafeteria Catholics, Dissident Catholic Politicians, and other wildly inappropriate speakers are quite easy to find – you want the one that has the most impact for you.

President Obama, Sec. Sebelius, Rep. Pelosi

President Obama, Sec. Sebelius, Rep. Pelosi

Now not every school can get one of the big three U.S. Bishop eye-pokes and really send a message. But there are other speakers that equally send the message “We don’t need no stinkin’ Ex Corde Ecclesiae!”

We here at provide all your Dissident Commencement needs. As this graduation season winds down it is not too early to start planning for your commencement speaker. To get a top tier inappropriate speaker you really need to book one with us now.

Now many institutions wait until later in the season to make sure the speaker the speaker matches whatever message they want to send. Early in the year Sec. Sebelius was just another Cafeteria Catholic politician, but with the passing of ObamaCare and then later the HHS Mandate she became quite a hot property.

Whatever your needs are is here to help you. Our analysts maintain a database of inappropriate speakers indexed by what they dissent on or if non-Catholic their anti-Catholic rating. Our analysts stay on top of the news and constantly update our speaker’s profiles and their scandal index (sindex). Using Scandalous Query Language (SQL) database lookups are super fast and tailored to your requirements.

Here is one example of just how great our service is. Recently DePaul University was having some difficulty finding the speaker they wanted as so many Catholic education institutions had drawn all the obvious picks. We queried our database and found population guru E.O. Wilson who agreed to do the address at bargain-basement prices. That though is only a small part of our service. We then leaked to the media and some Catholic blogs that E.O. Wilson once said “Christianity is the most dangerous of devotions.” Thus we were able to elevate a low-tier speaker to one more attention grabbing. So for one low price they got not only a scandalous commencement speaker, but also sent the message that “Our schools is totally independent and just because we advertise our Catholic identity on our site – it doesn’t actually mean anything.”

At we are there to help you and to forecast commencement speaker trends. This year we forecast that habit-less nuns part of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious will be especially popular as a message to the mean misogynist male hierarchy from the Pope on down. Theologians like Elizabeth Johnson are also forecast to do quite well.

Our service is guaranteed and if your school doesn’t make the headlines and get lambasted in the Catholic media and blogosphere we will refund your money! What do you have to lose, other than to lose a great opportunity to get the best dissident speaker bang for the buck! also offers special rates to Jesuit institutions since they are such a large part of our customer base. Just enter code “Hans Küng” before you checkout.

Contact: A. Postacy
Bitter Suite
Washington, D.C. 20007
PH: (202) 666-2038

  4 Responses to “Press Release”

  1. “Cafeteria Catholic” I assume is a snide name for Catholics who don’t adhere to all of the Catholic doctrine but rather pick and choose which bits to practice?

  2. Re: The picture. Could that man PLEASE get his hands AND lips off those two women! Every time I see him he’s all over them like a high school boy with a crush. Really, forget the politics and treat them like colleagues, not girlfriends. This isn’t France you know.

  3. That was awesome!

  4. Thanks, Jeff! So very funny!

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