Humor

I received an email today from an anonymous blogger promoting their site Postmodern Liturgist Resources. Don’t let the title fool you, this is actually a great parody site with some very funny versions of modern hymns and commentary. Here is a sample of one of the parodies set to Lord of the Dance.

I swayed with the choir
when the gath’ring song was sung
Then I pranced right up the aisle
When the Sanctus bell was rung
Then I sashayed around the altar
And I danced a little more,
But I tripped over my chasuble and landed on the floor.
“
I’ll be dancing everywhere, you see,
for I am Liturgical Dance.” said she
“
And I’ll lead you all, whoever you may be
Into doing Liturgical Dance with me.”

Here are some of my own liturgical song parodies.

Heretical Hymns

Old Time Lit-ur-gy

Smells Like Vatican II Spirit

And my most well know liturgist parody.

Liturgy for Ignoramuses

In honor of Elvis’ 70th birthday, here are two previous Elvis related posts.

Amazing Elvis truth revealed

Thank you very much

Indian Ocean (Jan. 3, 2005) – CBS Anchorman Dan Rather and his news crew return to the USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN 72) after touring the island of Sumatra, Indonesia.

Now some find this picture of Dan Rather rather ironic especially considering all the flak that President George W. Bush got for landing in a flight suit when landing on the exact same carrier. I also wonder if all VIPs now wear a flight suit? As a crewmember of four different carriers at times I flew on and off via a helo. I only wore my normal uniform along with a flight helmet and life vest. Even the one time I landed via a C1A it was the same routine. Normally this was all I would ever see VIP wear when landing onboard except in the case where someone came onboard via the backseat of a jet.

What seems to have missed the pundits attention is the following picture taken during a speech Dan Rather gives to the crew of the TR.

Of course the sign is also in Times New Roman.

On the occasion of the Epiphany here is a post I wrote a couple years ago.

A Church of England bishop has attacked "sentimental" Christmas card portrayals of the Nativity, saying that Jesus’s family were asylum seekers and the three Wise Men were part of an assassination plot.

The Bishop of Lichfield, the Rt Rev Keith Sutton, said the shepherds were not the lovable characters depicted in Nativity plays but were on "the fringes of society" and that, for most people, Christmas was a chore. [Source]

Did Herod the Great contract out a hit to three foreigners for plausible deniability? How did this assassination go awry? Did King herod say "Go and murder him" and they thought he said "Gold and myrrh to him"?, frankly that makes sense.

MIAMI (Reuters) – The two U.S. and Russian astronauts on the International Space Station (news – web sites) had to rely on a candy-laden diet for five weeks because their predecessors raided the pantry.

"Both of us ended up losing a few pounds," U.S. astronaut Leroy Chiao said in a news conference from the station on Wednesday. "We looked at it as kind of a challenge, kind of a camping adventure, roughing it I guess."

Chiao and Russian cosmonaut Salizhan Sharipov, who arrived at the station in October, had to cut calories because the previous crew got into their food rations.

They had permission to do that but did not record how much they had eaten and "It was not until we got well into the mission, we started seeing on board we weren’t going to have enough," Chiao said.

He and Sharipov inventoried the remaining food, which was heavy on candy and desserts, and worked out a diet to stretch their supplies until a new shipment of food arrived aboard a Russian cargo carrier on Saturday.

Carmelite Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity was also on a candy diet. She suffered from Addison’s disease (which JFK also had) and eventuality died at the age of 26 from stomach cancer. Because she was unable to hold down most foods the nuns would give her expensive chocolates that were donated to them. This of course was a great trial for her since a diet of chocolate does not normally fit into a discalced Carmelite charism. So in her case her need to subsist on chocolate was actually purgative as she came in her humility to accept this special treatment.

And speaking of candy I reprint a recent post by SoDakMonk on the "Hierarchy of Candy."

All candy is not created equal. This should be self-evident. When one lives in a community, and said community receives large quantities of various candies at Christmastime, a clear rating system for candy quickly emerges. The first candies to disappear from common areas are the chocolates, the most expensive first. This could be related to the relatively small amount of gourmet chocolate that comes in each decorator package. The mid-range brands of chocolate perhaps offer the best value for the price. Beware the low-priced chocolate flavored waxy stuff – very bad! Just below chocolate in the hierarchy we find other rich, soft candy e.g. buttercreme mints, bonbons etc. These disappear at a slightly slower rate than the chocolate itself. As the high-quality candy becomes scarce, lower quality items such as mellowcremes, candy canes, etc show the first signs of numerical decline. By early January, the only items remaining are usually the lowest forms of candy: plain hard candy such as Lifesavers, sourballs etc. These items have a long shelf life, and sometimes need it. Keep in mind that Lent comes very early this year. Let’s get eating out there! But be warned that excessive candy consumption correlates with tooth decay, tightening pants and sore spots on the tongue. It would appear there are no victimless sweets.

Here is a story about a handful of atheists protesting a nativity scene. These must have been very brave atheists because they protested near religious symbols. I am sure they were afraid that these symbols on public property might convert them against there will. This must be so since they believe that just the mere presence of a Nativity scene on public property is a sign that Congress has established a religion and that those who are not Christians have had their free exercise of religion prohibited.

Now when Christian religious symbols are on display during Christmas we often have other symbols like the Menorah or even Islamic symbols. Up to this point atheists have been left out of these public displays except on occasional poster board sign stating unbelief. I think they should put up some atheist creches so that they are not left out. These would be simple to erect. Simply dig a hole and poor some water in it to symbolize a primordial swamp. To complete the effect add some sort of clock next to it to symbolize billions of years.

Update: Scrappleface posted along the same lines for a primordial soup display earlier today.

Walking into many stores you have to walk through a labyrinth of store displays hawking many varieties of perfume to sell as Christmas gifts. The celebrity branded ones are to me the funniest and there is even a perfume by the guys at Orange County Choppers called Full Throttle. Recently I ran across this olfactory related story.

Want to feel closer to your religion? A South Dakota family says they have the perfect aromatic way to strengthen your faith. This is the season for candles. We’re seeing all the usual holiday scents.

But one couple created a candle that’s supposed to smell like Jesus Christ.

At Interiors Plus in Waseca, they sell typical holiday gifts. But owner Kim Foels has one thing no one else in Minnesota has, "His Essence."

…While reading The Bible, Karen learned that when the Messiah returns, his garments will smell like myrrh, aloe and cassia.

Karen said, "And I thought I wonder what they would smell like. It would have to be wonderful because of who they are representing." [Source]

Well I got to put in my two scents about this. I guess it is a good thing that they didn’t create a candle that smelled like Jesus after he spent 40 days in the wilderness. This I guess to be a doorway into a whole new line of bracelets with the initials for How Would Jesus Smell.

And when the LORD smelled the pleasing odor, the LORD said in his heart, "I will never again curse the ground because of man, for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I ever again destroy every living creature as I have done." Gen 8: 21

They have ears, but do not hear;noses, but do not smell. Ps 115:6

And then there are multiple Old Testament mentions of sacrifices producing pleasing odors to the Lord, so why don’t we have religiously themed perfumes?

Now if Calvin Klein had set up business during the first part of salvation history I am sure we would have had a perfume titled.

Calvin Klein Immolation – a pleasing odor to the LORD.

Now for those of us with a traditionalist bent I can think of a good product for us. A perfume that smells just like the incense used at Mass and delivered via a bottle in the shape of a very POD censer. We could dab this on ourselves before going to a liturgically deprived parish so as not to be too liturgically impoverished.

Smell and Bells would be another good brand name. The bottle would be shaped like a bell with a small clapper and ringing the bell would cause an aspirator to dispense the fragrance.

Then for progressives they could make "Scent of Vatican II." This perfume would be totally odorless and you would just have to imagine what you want it to smell like. This shouldn’t be too much of a stretch for them since they have developed a good imagination in regards to the texts of Vatican II.

I have been reading the Divine Office for a couple of years now and I guess I have been doing Vespers all wrong. I must have missed out on the dance steps in the guide book I buy each year. Just look through these photographs of some Canadian Dominicans doing Vespers starting here. [Via Being! or Nothingness]

Update: Somehow I think original sin might be involved in this, but I just couldn’t stop myself from creating the following animated gif I call the Domini can – can.

This exactly how William Shatner would do interpretive dance.

WATERBURY, Conn. — A Waterbury woman believes that someone divine has come knocking on her door.

When she came home from church on Monday, Matilda Munoz said she found markings on her door that looked like Jesus.

She said she immediately got chills.

The door has been drawing dozens of visitors from across the city to the woman’s Wall Street home. But the Catholic Church isn’t weighing in just yet.

The church has a long process for determining if something is a true apparition, said pastor Kevin Gray of Sacred Heart, who visited Munoz Tuesday morning. [Source]

I think this is a case of confused literalism. We are suppose to adore Jesus, not that Jesus is a door. Of course Jesus did say "I am the door; if any one enters by me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture." There are also other questions. Would it be sacrilegious to knock on this door? Definitely putting a nail in it to hang up Christmas decorations would be wrong. Jesus has already had enough of nails being driven through him.

Lying naked in a manger in a Northern Hemisphere winter meant baby Jesus would have certainly suffered from hypothermia, say Australian researchers.

They analysed how Jesus appeared in nativity paintings, compared with what the temperature would have been on 25 December, publishing their research in this week’s Medical Journal of Australia.

Neonatologist Dr Tieh-Hee Koh from Townsville Hospital in Northern Queensland and his co-researcher Marion Koh, wife and mother, wrote:

"As we are experienced in looking after sick newborn babies, we have been impressed every year by the fact that, in depictions of the nativity scene on Christmas cards we receive, the newborn Jesus is almost always naked."

They said they were concerned as the temperature in Bethlehem was probably 7°C on 25 December, yet keeping babies warm was a basic principle of looking after newborn babies.

Their review of 20 paintings by Old Masters at London’s National Gallery showed Jesus was naked or only scantily clothed in 90% of them.

The baby Jesus looked large for a newborn in 55% of the paintings, but premature in 10%.

He had a halo in 40% of paintings and was placed on the floor in 60% of paintings.

So, they concluded Jesus was probably hypothermic at birth, and very much so if also premature.

"[One explanation] more symbolic than pragmatic, is that he was born into this world without any earthly possessions," the authors wrote.

"In a similar vein, to the unscientifically inclined the halo and the pedigree of Jesus’ birth might suggest a neutral thermal zone, making the ambient temperature irrelevant." [Source]

Usually we get some really dumb articles at this time of year, but this paper in a medical journal is beyond parody. Maybe next year they will analyze icons and Byzantine art and come to the conclusions that the majority of saints had strange birth defects because of their distorted physical proportions.