September 1, 2003

The Curt Jester Presents

"Liturgy for Ignoramuses"

Your first step to liturgical understanding

Your first step is to find a Catholic Church to go to.

In the past this was a simple procedure of driving around your neighborhood until you spotted one.


If you live in Rome you can still use this tactic.

  

The two pictures are both Catholic Churches and although the eye can not normally spot the architectural and design similarities, they do exist - people smarter than us tell us that it is so.

One technique is to find a sign in the front that says "Catholic Church", if there is also a sign advertising Bingo then you have correctly identified it.
     
Approach the entrance of your local Catholic Church   Before entering listen closely for the strains of Marty Haugen or other modern liturgical music.
 
 
Emergency Church Exit Procedures
 
If detected, run don't walk to the nearest exit.   Look at your list of backup parishes or call 1-800-MASSTIME.
     
Fun Facts!
 
Rubrics

GIRM stands for the General Instruction of the Roman Missal. The Roman Missal is made up of two parts: The Lectionary for Mass and what we currently call the Sacramentary, the book with prayers and directions (rubrics) for celebrating Mass.

  Contrary to popular understanding rubrics does not come from the Latin for "things to ignore during Mass" It is actually from the Latin word red and is used to indicate stuff you should actually do!
     
Bless yourself
  
Sign of the Cross
Now find the Holy Water font. This can be anywhere from around three inches to the size of a backyard pool.  

While making the sign of the cross say "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. AMEN."

Do not be confused by those parishioners who are able to make this sign and still only move their hand a couple of inches.
     
Before the start of Mass
  
The Cantor
Some people like to prepare themselves before the Mass starts. Some will sit or kneel and pray silently and some will pray the Rosary.

Some to prepare themselves for the greatest prayer on earth will talk and gossip constantly to the person next to them.

   The Cantor might announce the start of the Mass and the opening hymn and other hymns throughout.

If you notice the Cantor moving their arms about strangely or playing weird instruments, do not be alarmed and call a psychiatric hospital. These are considered normal behaviors for a cantor.

Cantors also have the strange speech impediment where they are unable to say priest. They will use words instead like presider to overcome this problem.
The Priest
  
[Introductory Rite]


The Mass requires either a Priest or a Bishop to be celebrated. The celebrant stands in the place of Christ for the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. The priest/Bishop are issued in male models only. If you find the other model- please refer to the "Emergency Church Exit Procedures"

   The priest says a greeting something like, 'The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all."

The people respond, "And also with you."

Now if you wonder why the Latin "Et cum spiritu tuo" wasn't translated to "And with your spirit", we will come to the wonderful world of ICEL shortly
     
The Penitential Rite
  
The Kyrie

A time for the priest and people to reflect on their sins and express repentance for those sins. If the Confeitor prayer is used then strike your breast when you say "through my own fault"

If you are without sin like most American Catholics who don't go to confession, then strike someone else's breast

  

A litany of mercy:
"Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy."

Sometimes The Kyrie actually uses Kyrie such as in:

"Kyrie eleison.
Christe eleison.
Kyrie eleison."

If this happens, double check that you aren't in an SSPX chapel.
[Liturgy of the Word]
  
Feeling ICEL-ated?
On Sundays and other Holy Days of Obligation we will normally have a reading from the Old Testament, a non-Gospel New Testament reading, and then the Gospel.
  

If you are wondering about the sub par biblical translations and all the brother and sister inclusions, don't worry about it.

Back in the 60s the Church saw the rising unemployment of incompetent translators and out of charity gave them a job on the International Commission on English in the Liturgy [ICEL].
     
The Gospel Reading
  
The Homily
The Gospel is read by someone with Holy Orders i.e. Deacon/Priest/Bishop. Again if you detect a non-standard issuance, refer to the "Emergency Church Exit Procedures"   The homily is based on the readings of the day. As far as I have been able to determine it is an art form where you try to constantly give spiritual talks without ever using the words abortion, contraception, fornication, adultery, repentance, and sin.
     
Profession of Faith - The Creed
  
What's up with that?
The Nicene Creed is then recited by all of the faithful. During this part of the creed: " by the power of the Holy Spirit he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man." All are to make a profound bow. At Christmas, all are to genuflect at these words.
  

You might ask "Hey I am following the postures you are specifying, but I see nobody else doing them?"

To learn the answer to that, it is time to meet the Liturgist.
     
The Liturgist
  
Obligatory Liturgist Joke
The Liturgist has the difficult task of reading the plain words of the GIRM and then writing documents and instructing others into why kneeling really means to stand up.   There is a joke that God saw that the American Church was not suffering so he gave us liturgist.

Personally I would have preferred the old fashion fire and brimstone or a 40 day flood.
If you want to understand the saying "talk till you are blue in the face", then try arguing with a liturgist.

My suggestion if approached by a liturgist is to not listen and to nod politely as they talk and then run at your first opportunity.
  
     
General Intercessions
(Prayer of the Faithful)
  
[Liturgy of the Eucharist]
The needs of the Church, community, world, nation, special intentions are made to God.

Someone will instruct you that the response is "Lord, hear our prayers!" We must be reminded of this each week even though the response never changes.
  

Eucharist which means thanksgiving is the heart of the entire liturgical celebration.


Pay attention, or more accurately pray attention. Unlike the apostles who slept in that hour before Jesus was taken away, we are called to worship during the hour of the Mass
     
Preparation Of The Gifts
 
Eucharistic Prayer

The offering of ourselves is made symbolically by the presentation of the bread and wine from the congregation. The presentation of the gifts and the accompanying prayers of the priest, however, is not the offering of the Mass. It is but the initial stage preparing the material for the sacrifice, and the symbolic expression of uniting ourselves with the sacrifice of Christ.

This highly symbolic act is done by coughing up a dollar bill. The church exists outside of time and space and rules about currency inflation don't seem to apply. If a dollar was good enough for our forebears 100 years ago it is good enough for us now.		   The Eucharistic prayer, a prayer of thanksgiving and sanctification, is the center and high point of the entire celebration.

In an introductory dialog the priest invites the people to lift their hearts to God in prayer and thanks; he unites them with Himself in the prayer he addresses in their name to the Father through Jesus Christ. The meaning of the prayer is that the whole congregation joins Christ in acknowledging the works of God and in offering the sacrifice".

     
The Consecration
  
The Our Father
As Catholics we believe and confirm that when the words of consecration are said by the priest that the bread and wine are transfigured into the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Christ. The Church uses the technical term transubstantiation to describe this process,

So the next time some Gallup Poll representative asks you a question about the Eucharist, please answer correctly.		  

Contrary to what the Diocese of Cleveland has put out this is not the correct posture during the Our Father.
     
Kiss of Peace
(Grip and Grin)
  
Holy Communion
This is the part of the Liturgy where males test their hand shake abilities and see if they can cause major nerve damage in the hand of the recipient.

Others practice their hugging skills and see if they can hug everybody within fifty feet.

  

After the Agnus Dei, who is not related to AC/DC's guitarist Agnus Young, and the breaking of the bread - the faithful receive Holy Communion.

The Bishops have issued guidelines on who can receive communion.

If you want to know if you can receive communion kneeling and you have twenty hours to spare, then read the debate between Rerum Novarum and SecretAgentMan's Dossier.
     
Concluding Rite
  
What about singing?

This is the part of the Mass where the great commission is announced "Go out into the whole world and have coffee and donuts."

This part of the liturgy is also used to determine those who have birthdays, anniversaries, and who are from out of town.

   As Catholics we don't have to worry about singing. If they had wanted us to sing they would not have chosen songs in the vocal range of dolphins and whales, but could've chosen songs in the normal human range.
     
Some things to remember
  
The gates of Hell will not prevail upon the Church
As you go to Masses offered by different parishes do not be surprised at the unconformity of how the Mass is celebrated. Do not be surprised at silly homilies and irreverent parishioners. Just try to pray and remember Jesus' promise.
  

This post was inspired (blatantly ripped off) from the both The Lemon and Victor Lams

Posted by Jeff Miller at September 1, 2003 5:13 PM