Sep 142010

When it comes to infestations by Liturgeists and other frightful beings – who are you going call?

If you are dealing with the zeitgeist – the spirit of the age – we must remember what St. Paul says in 1st Corinthian 2:12 “Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit which is from God, that we might understand the gifts bestowed on us by God.”  St. Paul also wrote “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passion.” and when it comes to this the time is already here as it has been for men throughout the ages.

That is why  at Geistbusters are here to help you exterminate those pesky spirits of Vatican II that seem to often manifest themselves around holdouts from the sixties.  If you are experiencing disturbances in your parish, school, or other Catholic institutions you might have wondered what to do about it.  In this skeptical age when you tell others of liturgical and theological abuses you have experienced they might not believe you and when you complain of  Vatican II spirits haunting you they might chalk it up to your Pharicism or overactive imagination.  When you experience manifestations such as Holy Water turning into sand or marbles or inclusive language disturbing the grammar of the Mass with odd placements of pronouns – rest assured we here at Geistbusters not only believe you, but are here you help you out.

When you recognize a haunting of a Vatican II spirit don’t be tempted in trying to eradicate them yourself.  Some have foolishly thought that such spirits could be banished just by actually quoting the texts of Vatican II.  If such were the case Gregorian Chant would actually be given “pride of place in liturgical services.” as Vatican II called for.  For example try telling a Vatican II spirit that according to Lunem Gentium “Religious submission of mind and of will must be shown in a special way to the authentic Magisterium of the Roman Pontiff even when he is not defining” and expect them to recant a position contrary to the fourth level of teaching.  Laugher would be the normal reply of such mischievous spirits.  You might think to try using reason and the authority of magisterial documents to help make the case, try that if you want to be blue in the face as much good as it will do you.

Still you wonder if your parish will ever be normal and some don’t even believe in the parishnormal.  But I am here to tell you the parishnormal exists and that Geistbusters was started to assist you in returning your parish to a normal state of orthodoxy.  Our team here at Geistbusters consists of men ready to help you out immediately.  Our Geistbusters go through rigorous training consisting of prayer and fasting so that they can take on those spirits of Vatican II.  We have developed special equipment to zap heresies and watered down teachings and sending them back to where they came from.  Our particle accelerator proton pack fires a stream of highly charged protons that overcomes the heterodoxically charged electrons that spirits of Vatican II are composed of.  Since protons have Mass they are an apt particle for Catholic use.  The containment unit is specially constructed to be able to contain liturgical fads, dissident teaching, new-agey doctrine, and various other Vatican II spirits in a dogmatically dense material guaranteed to last till the Second Coming.

Shown here is one of our Geistbusters using the proton pack and containment unit to overcome liturgical dancers and to extract and trap any Vatican II spirits possessing these dancers.  This is done totally without physical harm to the dancers themselves who afterwards will wonder what the heck they were doing in the sanctuary and have a sudden desire to actually read the documents of Vatican II after Mass.

Liturgical dancers are one thing and we here at Geistbusters can handle even the most difficult cases.  In the movie Ghostbusters the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man did plenty of damage before stopped. Even though the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is rather silly looking it was still able to do damage and this is an important concept to remember.

Don’t try this at home kiddies!

Yes Geistbusters will even take on Giant Liturgical Puppets which is not for the feint of heart or really for any heart. As scary as Giant Liturgical Puppets are they can be taken down and reduced to their constituent paper mache atoms. We take our job seriously which is why we call in teams of Swiss Guard in these extreme cases. Now some have become concerned about what would happen if the beams of the Geistbusters’ proton packs would cross. Well to be honest we are not sure, though we are pretty certain that the result could not be worse than Giant Liturgical Puppets.

So whether you are in a parish with some minor confusion or going to a university that has a vision statement about Catholic identity and being in the tradition of some founder yet would never in the world implement Ex Corde Ecclesiae. No job is too small or too large for our Geistbusters, but we might need some serious lead time to ensure proper prayer and fasting for the most serious jobs.  Please don’t call us about diocesan bishops possibly possessed by spirits of Vatican II.  These jobs have to be initiated by the Holy Father, though we are expecting to get a call to fly to fly to Belgium soon.

Just remember that if you see something like this –  run – to you nearest Geistbusters.

If there’s somethin’ strange in your diocese
Who ya gonna call (Geistbusters)
If it’s somethin’ weird an heterodox
Who ya gonna call (Geistbusters)

I ain’t afraid a no spirit of VII
I ain’t afraid a no spirit of VII
If you’re hearing homilies that you dread
Who can you call (Geistbusters)
A litugist sleepin’ in your bed

Oh who ya gonna call (Geistbusters)
I ain’t afraid a no spirit of VII
I ain’t afraid a no spirit of VII
Who ya gonna call (Geistbusters)
If you’re all alone pick up the phone
An call (Geistbusters)

* Members of the Diocese of Los Angeles and Rochester call us for a special group rate.

*Hippy crack vestment source

  15 Responses to “Geistbusters”

  1. The Geistbusters must arm themselves with the Cappa Magna, which has been proven to be kryptonite against the Giant Liturgical Puppet.

  2. That last picture, I could swear I had a bathrobe just like that – when I was about 7.

  3. Can you do that header as a bumper sticker?

  4. Ugh, Jeff why did you dredge up that image of the puppets? A blight on my eyes! I want them banished and never more to be seen again.

  5. Pure GENIUS! From the diocese of L.A., THANK YOU. 🙂

  6. What happens when you cross the streams? I thought you said, ‘Don’t cross the streams!’

  7. aw… the Franciscan winner of last year’s ugliest vestment contest.

    Do they do house calls… you know, for those tacky Catholics who decorate in ceiling to floor kitsch; like me?

  8. And don’t let Watcher fool you. He *still* wears that bathrobe.

  9. Please I Need The Geistbusters,Right Now in the Philippines!!

  10. Fr Josh – better to cross the Tiber than to cross the streams.

  11. Proton’s have Mass…. are you positive?

    What about gender-neuterinos? They are believed to be massless but unfortunately they have been observed with relativistic mass.

  12. I haven’t seen any liturgical dancing but the holy water disappeared at Lent. Our liturgy committee gave the visiting priest some home made croutons to consecrate on Holy Thursday. The children came back from their “Sunday school” after the consecration for five years.

    Do I need to call the Geistbusters? Also, will the geistbusters be discreet and gentle? I’m hoping that Our Father will forgive them for they know not what they do.

  13. Please send Geistbusters to one of the country’s preeminent Catholic universities IMMEDIATELY, although to be fair I did receive a letter from the director of worship that this particular priest would not be allowed to say Mass until he changed his ways. But this is what I saw on the last Sunday of August…

    1. The sign of peace was given immediately following the intercessions.
    2. The priest used what he called a “special” Eucharistic prayer in which he REPEATEDLY invoked “Father, Mother” and at one point said, “Mother, Father”. While he did recite the words “…together with Benedict, our pope…”, he left out “(name of archbishop), our archbishop”.
    3. The entire congregation said the words “Through him, with him…”
    4. At the Our Father (which already had to take a different form as the sign of peace had been given) the priest stepped off the altar and, while facing the altar, joined hands with those in the front rows to recite the prayer.
    5. The priest omitted the words “Lord, I am not worthy…”
    6. And finally, he specifically told worshipers to remain seated as he said the prayer after Communion, which, by the way seemed ad-libbed.

    And, oh yes, everyone wore their best shorts and sneakers except for the woman who held the paten for father who was wearing jeans and a t-shirt!

  14. Go easy on the puppets- they are in and from a UCC Church not a Catholic one.

  15. God, help us !!!

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