The Ironic Catholic has a list of worship Faux Pas and how to avoid them. I will highlight one that I found especially funny and true.
7. Kneeling etiquette: once done, sit back S L O W L Y to avoid slamming your back into someone’s folded hands.
The rest of the list is equally funny.
Well I am always game for stealing a good idea:
- If the church actually has kneelers please slide the kneeler up when you go to Communion so others in the same row do no have to to the narrow shuffle side step.
- If you receive Communion in the hand remember that your car keys and cell phone are maybe accessories in the Body of Christ, but can’t receive themselves – put them away first.
- Asking the person who just came out of a confessional both after a long time in confession "What the heck did you do?" is not considered appropriate.
- Regardless of how banal the songs the choir is singing, it is not polite to shout out requests.
- Continuously pointing at your watch for the priest to see during the homily is considered rude.
- Do not bring the music issue of the missal home to use as toilet paper, no matter how appropriate.
- If you have a 103 degree temperature and your nose is running faster than Flo-Jo you might want to skip Mass and not try to shake the hands of half the congregation.
- If your a Protestant convert please avoid yelling out "Idolater" when a parishioner touches a statue.
- Dip your hand slowly into the Holy Water font, please don’t splash.
- "The Mass is ended, go in peace" is not meant to be the same as a starter pistol going off indicating that you need to run out of the Mass as fast as you can to avoid traffic in the parking lot.
23 comments
Regarding you fifth comment: at my old Episcopal parish, there was a wonderful old gentleman, the head of the ushers group, who always sat in the back next to the organ. If the homily exceeded 20 minutes, he would raise his arm in the air and stare pointedly at his watch.
After his death, the men’s group decided one Sunday to all sit together in the back of the church. At the 20-minute mark, we all raised our arms and stared at our watches.
“You can’t not bring the music issue of the missal home to use as toilet paper is never proper, no matter how appropriate.”
I’ve read this twice, Jeff, and I can’t figure it out: Is it NOT not proper? 🙂
Regarding your #1. This is my biggest pet peeve at mass. I do not receive yet because I am a candidate, so I continue kneeling while other receive. I have longer legs so my feet do not fit under the pew unless the kneelers behind me are down. Some people (in new mass parishes mostly) seem to want to punish me for continuing to kneel by pushing (until they win) the kneeler back up and crushing my feet. This forces me to sit or kneel in a wacky position, until they walk away, when the kneeler goes back down with a thud. 🙂
To make the people behind me have to shuffle as little as possible, I sit on the end of the pew. Can’t we all just get along? 🙂
Thanks for the link and the laugh. I especially liked the confessional one.
Maybe someone else can pick this up and keep it going…?
And Jeff, I don’t know where you worship, but I wonder about your Church’s “parking log” (#10). 🙂
I think your grammar broke on #6… Most are quite plausible though.
Thank you dear readers and in this case editors for pointing out the mistakes.
Matt with the long legs excepted:
If you want to come early and stay late to pray by yourself, sit in the middle of the pew. Kneeling right until the entrance hymn and then immediately after the recessional so you have to keep getting up to let others by or they have to step over you is not a sign of sanctity.
How about this: Even if the choir is masquerading as a pop/rock band, it is not appropriate to clap when they’re through–no matter how relieved you are that they’ve stopped!
These are going in my parish buletin.
If the church actually has kneelers please slide the kneeler up when you go to Communion so others in the same row do no have to to the narrow shuffle side step.
Oh, are you supposed to do that? I’ve never seen that happen at my Church, in all the 21 years of my life. Maybe I’ll try it next Sunday. But I’m not sure. The others might wonder what I’m up to.
1) If you receive communion in the hand, it is not necessary to do the side step/pause for 10 seconds holding up those behind you, just receive and consume in front of the priest, and as we say in the army, continue mission.
2) The sign of peace is not an opportunity to meet and greet the entire congregation. The people immediately to your left, right, and front will suffice.
3) Clapping is never appropriate!
I volunteer at a facility for the elderly. The following are true happenings in its chapel:
1. If you ride your electrified scooter up the aisle to receive Holy Communion, remember to brake BEFORE you reach the priest. (A lady actually drove into Father, who lost his footing and quickly handed me the chalice so he wouldn’t drop it!)
2. Remember to put on underwear. (As an elderly gentleman returned from receiving Communion, his pants fell down. Of course, he bent over to pull them up. After Mass, Father remarked that that was the first time he had ever been mooned on Easter!)
3. If instead of a collection basket, there is a collection box in the back of church, please remember that it is not a receptacle for empty cigarette packs, gum wrappers, used tissues, and that pill you forgot to take lunchtime. (On weekends, my job is to empty the box. I never know what I’ll find!)
4. Don’t mistake the chapel for the visitors lounge. It’s nice that your family is visiting but the rest of us don’t need to know what you had for lunch, your latest surgery, why your daughter isn’t coming, etc.
5. If your church has a webcam and you are the lector, it’s not necessary to pretend you’re Moses parting the Red Sea. Just read.
The things I’ve missed growing up in the Unitarian and Baptist churches!
2. Remember to put on underwear.
A good one for the college girls!
Can we say no thongs with thin skirts? Or wear a slip for goodness’ sake!
“Can we say no thongs with thin skirts? Or wear a slip for goodness’ sake!”
These days, skirts or low-rise jeans, “the thong remainth the thame.”
Very funny….I cracked up over the ‘mooning’, plantlady!
Ditto on the underwear. I was praying after Communion with my eyes closed, as I normally do, when I opened them and saw clear down the back of a teen girls low-risers. Talk about mooning! Her clueless mother was right next to her, and no, I didn’t risk injury after Mass by telling Mom what I had been treated to!
1. If Barney gives you a blessing, don’t shout out Didn’t I just see you on TV the other day?
2. Remember when casting lots for Jesus’ garment was once modernized to throwing dice? Well, it should not be modernized to playing Russian roulette either.
3. When one tries to grab your hand for the Lord’s Prayer, don’t give them your glove in its place. Instead, give them the Our Father Holding Hand.
BMP
Good lists. Plant lady’s was a lol contribution!
Is there a Miss Manners vibe in the air lately? Our last parish bulletin included a “Church Etiquette” list. That was a relief. So many people just don’t THINK about what they’re doing.
The sitting at the end of the pew when you’re early thing is my pet peeve. After all, you KNOW that every pew will fill up and you will either have to slide in or be interrupted in prayer frequently. Why would anyone repeat this week after week (unless they NEED to sit near the aisle, which is true for a handful, but not the entire columns of aisle sitters!)
No doubt, i’m annoying the heck out of everyone by some habit of mine, too–only my bad habit is less obvious, I guess. I was criticized by a parishioner for sitting in the first third of the church all the time. After years of sitting with children who need to SEE and an aunt with hearing problems, my seating “area” became habitual. Never was I aware in all that time that I was making someone angry as they noticed how I “sit up there, way in the front” for every Mass. Oops.
When receiving the Holy BODY of Christ, remember it is just that. We do NOT scoop Jesus with one hand into our mouths! (Parents carrying babies excepted). We do NOT take a little bite as if he were a chip. Put all of it into your mouth. We do not toss Jesus into our mouths like he is a little snack. Jesus is NOT bubblegum. We do NOT chomp on Jesus. We savor being one with him for those few seconds. Do NOT wipe off those pesky little crumbs that may be left on your hands, that is the body of Christ! Consume it!
When receiving the BLOOD of Christ, do NOT backwash into the chalice. Take a small sip. We do not chug-a-lug Jesus, he is NOT Koolaid. But make suer that what you DO take stays in your mouth, and not back in the cup. DO NOT walk away making a face because “that is some nasty wine!” No, it’s NOT wine it’s Jesus.
More Eucharist Etiquette:
*Do not hold out your hands AND open your mouth, forcing the priest/EME to guess how you wish to receive the Host.
*If receiving the Eucharist by mouth, please open your mouth. WIDE.
*If receiving the Eucharist by mouth, do NOT bite the hand that’s feeding you. (Yes, someone did. He was developmentally disabled and he didn’t chomp. My kids giggled, though.)
Note to Joanne: My family prefers to sit in the rear of the church, on the left. We have for years. Everyone knows where to find us if they need us. We’re not the only family who have “assigned seating,” either! 🙂