TSO has a list of spiritual injuries that are quite funny.
1) Blood Sugar Fataltosis: This can occur as soon as two hours after beginning a fast, when the blood sugar falls so steeply as to induce paralysis and death.
2) Extraocular muscle tears: This can occur when the effort to gain custody of the eyes was too abrupt.
3) Lip & Tongue Lacerations: This happens when you bite your tongue or lips in an effort to avoid saying a mean-spirited remark.
4) Juvenile-induced insanity: This happens sometimes to parents of large families but contrary to the slogan "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" to lose one’s mind in the service of having children is a badge of honor.
5) Knee Fallaoffitis: Knees have been known to fall off due to overuse in prayer.
6) Levitation Sprains: After levitating, some saints are said to have had rough landings although we have little documented evidence of this particular injury.
7) PPS (Premature Pruning of Skin) Syndrome: This can occur with too frequent application of Holy Water.
8) Ave Carpal Tunnel: Those saying over fifteen decades of the rosary daily are at risk.
To which I must add my own:
- Cranium Sprain: Occurs when straining to come up with a charitable explanations for someone’s actions when none are evident.
- Sign of the cross repetitive motion injury. Evidenced by those who make the sign of the cross whenever somebody swears while working at a construction site or onboard a ship.
- Tabernacle whiplash: Happens to some looking back and forth in a rapid action trying to spot the tabernacle in a church.
- Rosary burn: Suffered by those who pray the Rosary so fast that the heat excitation caused by the rapidly moving beads against the skin cause a third-degree burn.
- SOP Elbow: Caused by worshipers who attempt to shake the hands of everybody within 100 feet during the Sign of Peace.
- Inclusive Language Twitch: A nervous condition experienced by readers at Mass who strain to convert male pronouns into inclusive language on the fly. Breakdowns after the realization that they forgot to add a "and sister" after saying brother are know to occur.
- Scapular Back: Occurs when someone has placed so many religious medals to their scapular that their back begins to bend forward.
- Synapses Snap: Experienced by those searching their minds to make a connection between the readings at Mass and the homily.
- Eucharistic Adoration Numbing: Occurs when spending so long on yours knees in adoration that a numbed-out limb it may collapse under you resulting in a sprain or worse if you hit your head on a Prie-dieu. Especially devout sufferers also experience other injuries at they try to stifle cries of pain so as not to disturb others in adoration.
- Saintly Head Laceration: Caused by levitating in a room with a ceiling fan.
- Stigmata: Has been know to ruin the careers of hand models.
- Bilocation Trauma: Accidentally bilocating to a busy freeway.
- Cardiac Transverberation: See case study of St Teresa of Avila "I saw in his hands a long dart of gold, and at the end of the iron there seemed to me to be a little fire. This I thought he thrust through my heart several times, and that it reached my very entrails. As he withdrew it, I thought it brought them with it, and left me all burning with a great love of God. So great was the pain, that it made me give those moans; and so utter the sweetness that this sharpest of pains gave me, that there was no wanting it to stop, nor is there any contenting of the soul with less than God”
- Kneeler Toe: Painful toe stubbing caused by those experienced in kneeler manipulation with their foot miss and hit a solid back part of a pew instead.
- Missal Toe: Caused by dropping a large missal on your foot.
- Vocal Cord Spasm: Caused by attempting to sing unsingable liturgical music that resides in nobody’s vocal range except possibly porpoises and whales.
- Leoretardation: Disease that results in reduced mental capability where the sufferer thinks that liturgical dance is a good idea in bringing people closer to God in worship.
There’s also the phenomenon known as Pew Jumping.* There is no known cure for this affliction except attending a Tridentine Mass. Related: SOP Elbow.
* This is the reason why I omitted SOP from my wedding.
Catholic Toes: having scraped the surface off the ends of your good work shoes after a couple of weeks of kneeling at daily Mass.
Then there’s the other version of Kneeler Toe caused when one of your children drops the kneeler onto your toe. And then kneels on it before you can get your foot out.
The Curt Jester found a list of Spiritual Injuries at TSO and added some of his own ideas to the list. Some examples from the original list:
I should have a few more lip and tongue lacerations. Sigh.
Cute stuff, though.
I have kneeler toe.
I’m not sure what to call this, but imagine the results if not stopped…My parish is not in Orange County, CA, and so we kneel after the Agnus Dei. When standing, I use my toe to raise the kneeler…and tried to leave the pew as usual to go forward for Communion. But I was held fast by the kneeler and the pew, my skirt the culprit.
This happend more than once. Oh, the terrible possibilities!
What would this be called and the ensuing injuries as a result?
I had the vocal chord spasm when my voice began to change and I’ve observed kneeler toe. Nice list.
Duck n Cover neck: a sprain caused by rapidly bowing the head in shame because of the strange sound you made undergoing a Vocal Chord Spasm.
How about “holy whiplash” incurred when trying to avoid the tsunami of holy water being waved over the congregation during Easter week when the celebrant decides to dip a giant wad of forsythia branches into the holy water instead of using the normal aspergellum.
The other day I got bursitis because I was going for my forehead at the beginning of Mass (o the naivete) and the priest decided to make an announcement before the sign of the cross.
Saintly Head Laceration: Caused by levitating in a room with a ceiling fan. Hehehehe. . .
Cantor’s shoulder: caused by repetitive raising of both arms in the “field goal” position when it’s the congregation’s turn to sing the responsorial paslm
Communio nervosa: mental stress caused by watching the way others receive the host (one handed, no verbal “Amen” to the EM)
Vicarious rosacia: caused by excessive blushing on behalf of scantily clad young women who don’t know they should be ashamed of themselves for dressing so immodestly
EM congestion: a variety of soft tissue injuries may result as a result of several dozen extraordinary ministers bumping into each other on their way to line up
I have had #9 on several occasions. I try to get up from adoration and my legs dont work. One time, i tried to genuflect before i left the chapel, fell over, and tried to pass it off as a prostration.
Warts: The shaking of hands of brothers and sisters in Christ during the liturgically non-existant Sign of Peace may cause warts.
Ringworms also if the person has sweaty hands.
Canabalism: Many EM have claimed that their fingers were indeed flavored by people who can’t stick their tongue out in Communion.
TMJ disorder: Italian Bishops ( and Cardinals) are known to slap (in a nonoffensive way) the cheeks of persons they say hello to, this may cause the inflamation of the jaw if repetitive.
Asthma: The over application of perfume by women or wierd men can cause asthma, and successively cause a heart attack because of shock.
The heart attack prob. can be further worstened by the sudden motions on part of the more “charismatic”brothers and sisters.
Ear echoing: after about 7-99 years of hearing the words “love” being said every 7 seconds (approximatly, as sometimes the word is substituted by stewardship) in the sermons, your ears start to hear that word in a echoing fashion.
The only known cure is to become a priest or deacon and not use them so often in sermons.
The echo effect is said to stop 2 hours after death.
Inclusive Language Tick: not to be confused with the Inclusive Language Twitch, the Tick occurs when exposed to constant use of inclusive language, liturgical dance, and/or any other 1970’s inspired liturgical reform.
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