TSO has a list of spiritual injuries that are quite funny.
1) Blood Sugar Fataltosis: This can occur as soon as two hours after beginning a fast, when the blood sugar falls so steeply as to induce paralysis and death.
2) Extraocular muscle tears: This can occur when the effort to gain custody of the eyes was too abrupt.
3) Lip & Tongue Lacerations: This happens when you bite your tongue or lips in an effort to avoid saying a mean-spirited remark.
4) Juvenile-induced insanity: This happens sometimes to parents of large families but contrary to the slogan "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" to lose one’s mind in the service of having children is a badge of honor.
5) Knee Fallaoffitis: Knees have been known to fall off due to overuse in prayer.
6) Levitation Sprains: After levitating, some saints are said to have had rough landings although we have little documented evidence of this particular injury.
7) PPS (Premature Pruning of Skin) Syndrome: This can occur with too frequent application of Holy Water.
8) Ave Carpal Tunnel: Those saying over fifteen decades of the rosary daily are at risk.
To which I must add my own:
- Cranium Sprain: Occurs when straining to come up with a charitable explanations for someone’s actions when none are evident.
- Sign of the cross repetitive motion injury. Evidenced by those who make the sign of the cross whenever somebody swears while working at a construction site or onboard a ship.
- Tabernacle whiplash: Happens to some looking back and forth in a rapid action trying to spot the tabernacle in a church.
- Rosary burn: Suffered by those who pray the Rosary so fast that the heat excitation caused by the rapidly moving beads against the skin cause a third-degree burn.
- SOP Elbow: Caused by worshipers who attempt to shake the hands of everybody within 100 feet during the Sign of Peace.
- Inclusive Language Twitch: A nervous condition experienced by readers at Mass who strain to convert male pronouns into inclusive language on the fly. Breakdowns after the realization that they forgot to add a "and sister" after saying brother are know to occur.
- Scapular Back: Occurs when someone has placed so many religious medals to their scapular that their back begins to bend forward.
- Synapses Snap: Experienced by those searching their minds to make a connection between the readings at Mass and the homily.
- Eucharistic Adoration Numbing: Occurs when spending so long on yours knees in adoration that a numbed-out limb it may collapse under you resulting in a sprain or worse if you hit your head on a Prie-dieu. Especially devout sufferers also experience other injuries at they try to stifle cries of pain so as not to disturb others in adoration.
- Saintly Head Laceration: Caused by levitating in a room with a ceiling fan.
- Stigmata: Has been know to ruin the careers of hand models.
- Bilocation Trauma: Accidentally bilocating to a busy freeway.
- Cardiac Transverberation: See case study of St Teresa of Avila "I saw in his hands a long dart of gold, and at the end of the iron there seemed to me to be a little fire. This I thought he thrust through my heart several times, and that it reached my very entrails. As he withdrew it, I thought it brought them with it, and left me all burning with a great love of God. So great was the pain, that it made me give those moans; and so utter the sweetness that this sharpest of pains gave me, that there was no wanting it to stop, nor is there any contenting of the soul with less than God”
- Kneeler Toe: Painful toe stubbing caused by those experienced in kneeler manipulation with their foot miss and hit a solid back part of a pew instead.
- Missal Toe: Caused by dropping a large missal on your foot.
- Vocal Cord Spasm: Caused by attempting to sing unsingable liturgical music that resides in nobody’s vocal range except possibly porpoises and whales.
- Leoretardation: Disease that results in reduced mental capability where the sufferer thinks that liturgical dance is a good idea in bringing people closer to God in worship.