From what seems to be a parody advice column in the Asian Times.
I lead a church whose priests are pledged to celibacy. Nowadays we seem to get no one but gays, and the situation has gotten out of hand. Lawsuits about sex abuse are driving parts of my organization into bankruptcy, and now there are pictures all over the Internet of priests fondling each other at an Austrian seminary. What can I do to keep the gays away?
Red-faced in Rome
Have you considered giving the Church an anti-queer makeover? Lose the chic black outfits, and instruct your priests to wear plaid polyester instead. No self-respecting gay male will go near you.
Well maybe Bishop John M. D’Arcy might want to consider this proposal and add socks that clash also.
Bishop John M. D’Arcy, who in private letters to other church officials as early as 1978 questioned the reassignment of priests accused of sexual misconduct, said yesterday that the church must improve its screening process for accepting seminarians and that homosexuals should be prohibited from being ordained as priests. (source)
“instruct your priests to wear plaid polyester instead”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just imagined a 60s-vintage-AmChurch-cemetary-graduate in a typical AmChurch in such an outfit!