Salem, Or (Roto Reuters) Oregon Governor Theodore Kulongoski has announced plans today for a milestone in prison reform. Based on the recent reorganization in the Florida prison system, Oregon will become the first state with a lack-of-faith-based prison. Those who have been designated as faithless will be allowed to voluntarily transfer to this new prison the Friedrich Nietzsche Correctional Institute. This new prison will be open to atheists and agnostics of every denominations. Whether Randian Positivists, Darwinists, Radical Materialists, Anarchists, Apathetic Agnostics, or any other faithless based group will be welcomed to this facility. Volunteer Chaplains will be made available to help those to grow in their faithlessness.
Attorney Michael Newdow has agreed to be the first Warden of the Friedrich Nietzsche Correctional Institute. ” I will do i can to make this prison to be just as faithless as a public school. I know this is a lofty and difficult goal to achieve that level of faithlessness, but I am committed to that effort. To help to remove any mention of faith imposed systems and words we will follow after the French Revolutionary Calendar and rename the days of the week and to finally make a Beatles song correct we will have eight days a week. The week will start with Saganday, Randay, Primordial Soupday, Castroday, Freuday, Stalinday, Shawday, and Asimovday. All currency will be censored and any phrases indicating some deity will be blacked out.”
For this prison we will not be concerned with any recidivism rate since anyone who do not get caught again when leaving us are truly fit and the other losers will be safely in prison to keep them from infecting the gene pool. We will also be closely monitoring the inmates for lack of faith. First sign of any religious tendencies they will be immediately moved to isolation. If the persists in belief we will rapidly transfer them to a more suitable prison where that type of behavior is allowed.
A spokesman for the Thomas Moore Law center spoke out against this idea saying “That Oregon will open the nation’s first “faithless-based” prison is a terrible idea that is unethical, probably unconstitutional and may even lead to favoritism of fundamentalist atheists.
“Some inmate advocacy groups have expressed concerns about the so-called ‘Darwinian contests’ that have been gaining ground as a strategy for handling overpopulation of the institution.
“‘Look, we have a limited number of beds,’ said one board member. ‘And this is a proven method with ample precedent in nature.'”
Another board member commented, “Besides, that which does not kill you makes you stronger.” He noted that contest winners receive a transfer Cell Block Zarathustra, where they receive special training in philosophy and the arts.
I think it’s sad that, as an Oregonian, I was wondering if this was true or not until about half way through the 2nd paragraph… and I still wouldn’t put it beyond Kulongoski to come up with something like this.
I lost it at “Primordial Soupday”. 🙂
“Volunteer Chaplains will be made available to help those to grow in their faithlessness.”
That’s right. You’ll make an appointment and they won’t show.
The Holiday Season Pageants will center around the movies COINCIDENCE ON 34TH STREET, QUEEN OF QUEENS and IT’S AS WONDERFUL A LIFE AS YOU MAKE IT. And there’ll be a tent tevival where guys in wheelchairs will give moving testimonials about how … they’re still crippled. The inmates will make a Profession of Faithlessness and take vows of Whatever The Hell Suits Them.
Say this fersure: Adebese will be running this joint because Minister Said won’t be around to put a stop to him. Instead, the black inmates will flock to the Nation of Malsi and read The Protocols of the Elders of Zion (that part doesn’t change bud).
If anyone deserves to have a prison named after them, Its Fredy Nietzche!!