- Olympic swim team tryouts are held in your baptismal font
- Your church is more bleak than a Turkish prison
- The only icon in the church is the picture of the Dalai Lama on the
- The priest’s stole is any color but white, Red, Purple, Green, Old Rose,
Gold, or black (unless used together as a plaid).
- The homilies have the depth and theological exactness of a Barney song
- The music is not elevating but fit for an elevator
- They use every musical instrument created but the organ
- The last time you heard the word sacrifice was at a baseball game
- People kneeling to receive Communion are zapped with a stun gun and taken
- The word sister always precedes the word brother
- Male pronouns have been banned by a liturgical interdict
- The document “Environment and Art in Catholic Worship” is carried in and
held up instead of the Bible
- Vatican II is extensively quoted but no documents of this council can be
found anywhere on church grounds
- Confession is held for an hour on January 29th.
- Extraordinary Eucharist Ministers are stationed at every row, if there is
a concelebrating priest he is bound and gagged until after the EEMs are done
- Liturgical dance, enough said
- Liturgeist vocabulary to watch out for includes: worship space, inclusive
language, participation, worship environments, assembly, Easter people,
presider. Words never used are dogma, doctrine, Ratzinger (unless with a
sneer), GIRM, orthodoxy, man or mankind; if these words are used or reverence
is given to the Holy Father than subject is not a Liturgeist.
- Liturgeist disturbances can also be detected in the “The raising arm
effect.” This can be seen if the arms of Jesus have broken away from the cross
and are directed upwards. Depending on the intensity of Liturgeist activity
sometimes the cross will appear to be entirely gone. The “raising arm effect”
can also be detected prior to the Our Father where peoples arms mysteriously
levitate and through some magnetic force their hands become attached to those
next to them.
If any of these Liturgeist disturbances are detected, run don’t walk to your
Bishop. In normal circumstances the parish priest should be gone to first, but
once this activity has been detected he has usually been neutralized by the
hypnotic effects of the Liturgeist. Your Bishop will then appoint a priest who
he has given the faculties for conducting the “Rite of Liturgical Exorcism.”
Rite of Liturgical Exorcism
- The Liturgical Exorcist begins with the sign of the cross, and then a
sprinkling of Holy Water on the Liturgeist. It has been reported that
Liturgeists are deathly afraid of Holy Water. This has been noticed because of
their habit of putting everything in a Holy Water Font except Holy Water.
- The Liturgical Exorcist then traces a cross on the Liturgeists forehead
using the The General Instruction of the Roman Missal (GIRM). A number of
helpers are required to hold the Liturgeist down since they will struggle with
supernatural strength to resist the GIRM.
- At this point the Liturgeist will usually start supplicating to the spirit
of Vatican II for help. If they start quoting anything, the Liturgical
Exorcist asks for a reference to an actual Vatican II document. The Liturgeist
will normally show symptoms of shock at this point.
- The Liturgical Exorcist will then begin reading from James Akin’s “Mass
Confusion” while any of the faithful present chant “Orthodoxy.” Again, make
sure enough people are present to hold the Liturgeist down during this
- If the Liturgeists starts to calm down during the reading of “Mass
Confusion” and says an occasionally Amen, then the Liturgical Exorcism is
successful. This can be verified by having the subject read from the GIRM or
look at a picture of Cardinal Ratzinger with no ill effects.
- A Liturgeist with a university degree is especially hard to eradicate,
much prayer and fasting will be required.