Here is a parody from two years ago that still applies unless you live in the Diocese of Boston since Cardinal O’Malley was given a “pastoral sensitivity” exception from the CDW which is not a general dispensation given to all Bishops.
Hot on the heals of the success of the Facial Recognition Paten 2000, Curt Jester Laboratories introduces the new Foot Washing 2000 with patented DNA detection technology. With the problem of parishes washing the feet of women in direct violation of the rubrics for Holy Thursday a sure fire method was required that looked beyond just external appearances.
When the foot of the person who is having their foot washed comes into contact with the special transducive water in the bowl, through capillary action their DNA is instantly tested. If a male is detected the LED displays XY VIR and the indicator light shines brightly green. If a female is detected the display shows XX and the indicator light flashes red. If a foot that has been detected as not liturgically compatible is not removed within 30 seconds a mild electrical current is discharged into the bowl.
The Foot Washing 2000 maintains an electronic log that automatically registers its use during Maundy Thursday. The entries are time stamped and the detected sex is registered. Bishops can easily determine through the provided easy to use Wash Perfect software what parishes used or failed to use this approved device.
This device has been tested formally by the Vatican and meets with all requirements of the SUL (Sacramentary Underwriting Laboratory)
"The men who have been chosen are led by the ministers to chairs prepared in a suitable place. Then the priest … goes to each man. With the help of ministers, he pours water over each one’s feet and dries them" (Sacramentary, p. 136).
This device has been condemned by all American liturgists so you know that it truly works.
The Old Oligarch has an excellent post on the theological meaning of “The Washing of the Feet”
But they could cheat by having twelve guys put their feet in the bowl before Holy Thursday.
Then they could use another bowl later on, this time with both women and men.
Hmmm, that “mild electric current”, would that invigorate feet in general? Maybe remove blisters, bunions? Becauase sometimes at the end of the day, this woman’s dogs are BARKING!
Just a suggested use for the rest of the year, hee hee.
Have the device in a case that detects when it has been opened and tampered with (not hard to do) and record the time when the feet were washed. Also have a built in GPS unit so you know where they were washed. Making the only way you can get around it is to wash more than 12 feet and use another bowl for the women, which is unlikely as then the women are obviously tacked on and illegitimate as they don’t match the basic number in the Scriptures.
And no I’m not taking this seriously.