Here we are in the 21st century and if you look around your parish church you might never know that you are living in the modern age of comfort and technology. Sure some churches look like they are from a science fiction show, but when you look closer the basics have changed hardly at all.
Just look at your basic pew. Many churches still have your basic wooden uncomfortable pew. Some have upholstered them with padding to make them slightly more comfortable or in some cases making them less comfortable.
Most Catholics have come to learn the postures of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass so that they become second nature. But sometimes because of local changes people aren’t sure if they are suppose to stand or kneel at some point. If you travel often you have to try to play follow the leader to determine what you posture is expected of you.
Now you might wonder what pews, postures, and living in the 21st century have to do with each other. Well the answer is both simple and amazing that no other company has solved the problem before.
Introducing the La-Z-Pew! This amazing piece of comfort technology that solves so many problems all in one stroke.
This pew chair is the ultimate in charity! You will love it. The Holy Father’s Cathedra has nothing on the La-Z-Pew. This chair will not Peter out.
But you think to yourself you can’t possibly get the parish finance board to come up with the money just so that the congregation can have the ultimate in comfort. But wait till you hear about all of the features of the La-Z-Pew.
The La-Z-Pew automatically adjusts to the correct postures throughout Mass. Shown here is the kneeling position. You will be amazed as the whole congregation as a whole all kneel at the same time. Time to stand, well you can stand our chair because it also helps you to move to a standing positing in a comfortable glide that will add no wear or tear to your joints.
But wait there is more! At the consecration of the Eucharistic species the La-Z-Pew softly vibrates to remind you to pray attention.
Inside the arm of each La-Z-Pew is a handy pocket used to store the missal and any hymnals. Having difficulties hearing the liturgy? Simply use the embedded control panel to increase the volume in the built in speakers or use the handy mute button for an especially banal hymn.
The La-Z-Pew is adjustable depending on the form of liturgy being offered: maximal upright kneeling for traditionalists, and a mild squat for the Saturday 4 pm suburban Mass. For charismatics, it can boost people to a full standing position for arm-waving, and when
The La-Z-Pew is also great for children. Simply strap your child in and set the control panel to "Bouncing Knee" or "Rocking back and forth" mode. Plus each La-Z-Pew has built in sound baffles to help out when all else fails.
Pastors will especially love the La-Z-Pew. During financial appeals the La-Z-Pew can be set to massage mode to provide maximum receptivity towards giving. After all invoking "God loves a cheerful giver" only works so many times. The new La-Z-Celebrant is great for those elderly priest who are still helping out long past the normal retirement age. Everybody needs a little help sometime and your pastor will love the smooth lift to standing position.
So ditch the old pews – out with the old and in with the La-Z-Pew!
* Idea suggested to me by RC at Catholic Light.
But if you have that hymnal, you might not need a mute button!
It needs either poinsettias or white lilies.
One or the other.
Nothing in between.
Give it some time & some bishop (Mahoney?) will actually approve a pew like this. (At that point you will have the makings of a great lawsuit for plagerism.)
He maketh me to lie back and put up my feet.
This is OBVIOUSLY a satire as such a church would never have such a hymnal in its recliners. Don’t you know that chant spreads like a virus?
This is showing all stretched out on my screen, though. Is it ok on yours?
Wow, and they would let me have a leather, Sharper Image Celebrants chair in my new church. (Just kidding!)
You forgot to mention the patented change sieve underneath the cushion. To avoid the unwelcome mention of a second collection, La-Z-Pew has incorporated variable speed vibration technology to assure that your parishioners will never be bothered with that burdensome and archaic form of currency we call pocket change. La-Z-Pew will massage it right out of their pockets with three fun speeds that automatically adjust to each individual’s needs: 1.Pot-holed Road 2.Paint Can and 3.Fear of God. The Fear of God setting is specifically designed to extract coins from those difficult tight jeans and, if the unfortunate situation arises, hot pants. It has the added benefit of reminding parishioners to never wear such attire again to church. For only $20 more, you can upgrade and receive the automatic coin roller!
No cup holder?
This brings to mind a small point that I think the catechism might just have missed…it is about the difference between Catholics and Protestants and seating. I think that it is true by definition that a Catholic Church cannot have cushioned seats (unless it was made recently by madmen and so probably isn’t Catholic), while a Protestant church…can.
Can someone find me where the Church Fathers explain this, because I’m sure they did…
Okay…so maybe it is the way I read; scan to the bottom, then back to the top and begin. I actually thought – for a few seconds – this was real.
How sad is that?
Great idea for Protestant churches too–that’s one less excuse for avoiding church!
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