Humor

In response to Terry Teachout’s “In The Bag”

[Y]ou can put any five works of art into your bag before departing for a desert island, but you have to choose right now. No stalling or dithering-the armies of the night are pounding on your front door. No posturing-you have to say the first five things that pop into your head, no matter how uncool they may sound. What do you stuff in the bag?

Steven Riddle of Flos Carmeli, Don of Mixolydian Mode, and Erik of Erik’s Rants and Recipes gave their enlightened responses. Since I am an intellectual troglodyte when it comes to art and I appreciate those blogs for helping me to see a little bit into the world that I am missing; I thought that I would also give it a shot.

So what art would I take? Well here goes:

Art Garfunkel, if the desert island is not too far we could build a bridge over troubled waters.

Art Carney, hearing him do Norton would make the time go by.

Art Linkletter who could regale me with the darnedest things kids say and we could play the board game Life.

Art Buchwald could tell me how he managed to succesfully sue Eddie Murphy for stealing a script and I could thank him for introducing me to political comedy while in high school.

Arte Johnson because he would be veeery interrrresting.

After growing tired of these five arts, we could then build a raft to get off that island. Okay so it might be hard to fit them all in a bag, but you didn’t expect a serious post from me anyway.

Boston-AP — Authorities say the convicted murderer accused of killing former priest John Geoghan (GAY’-gun) in prison has been hospitalized after swallowing something in his cell.

A spokesman for the Massachusetts prison system says Joseph Druce (droos) swallowed an object in his cell late Friday and was taken to an outside hospital for treatment. Druce’s injuries are not life-threatening, but he remains in the hospital under guard.
[Full Story]

I noticed the pronunciation guide the used for Geoghan (GAY’-gun) and it reminded me of a similar case where a name pointed to a possible problem.

While stationed in Norfolk after Warrant Officer Johnny Walker was arrested for espionage I found out that he had lived a couple of blocks from where we were living at the time. It is bad enough when someone betrays us to the Russians, but a former enlisted man who became a Warrant Officer doing it really angered me. Billions of dollars in damage done for a pay off of 10,000 dollars and all of this was preventable. Ask anyone to complete the sentence Johnny Walker… and they will say Red. This should have been an obvious clue he would work for the Soviet Union.

The Cranky Profesor points to the site Jesus of the Week and remarks on the following picture “When I see things like this I’m reminded of the bumper sticker “Jesus is coming. . . and boy is he mad!”

Who knew Jesus was in an eighties hair band. If this is what he looks like at the second coming I am going to have to have a lighter ready to waive lit over my head and scream for an encore

PHILADELPHIA (AP) – Extending its reach in public education, Microsoft Corp. said Thursday it will help design a new $46 million public high school in Philadelphia that will embed computer technology everywhere from classrooms and administrative offices to the desk of the football coach.
The school is still in the earliest stages of planning and won’t open until 2006. But administrators said they envision a paperless building where students study in online textbooks, teachers quiz their classes on laptops and automated systems order cafeteria supplies as they are depleted.
[Full Story]

I can forecast the Microsoft enabled student. The kids will be more prone to viruses than other students. Whereas the average person only uses ten percent of their brain, the Microsoft student will use 100% of biological system resources for the simplest task. To do algebra or geometry will require a massive memory infusion. When you give them too much homework their eyes will glaze over blue with the words “A fatal exception has occurred.” Competing schools that have superior education will be bought out and students retaught and issued under the Microsoft brand. Students will have many flaws and holes in their education which can be exploited by hucksters and other conmen (or is that conpersons now?). Diplomas will only be good for two years after that the school offers no more support.

Yesterday Lane Core Jr. of The Blog from the Core in reference to a photograph projecting Elvis at the age of 68 said:

Elvis Would Have Turned Into Pope John XXIII

Sort of. Had he lived long enough. Maybe.

And he also issued this challenge.

Surely, The Curt Jester can do something with this.

Initially we at The Curt Jester laughed at this comparison he had made and were going to move on to weightier subjects. But since he appealed to our Ego, which is a large target, and this being a slow news day we sent out our curt reporters to look at this in more detail. Reviewing the information we uncovered and doing a detailed analysis we came up with some very surprising results. Looking at the two pictures below we can well see the similarities and if Elvis would have continued his twinkle binging spiral his face might well have been as round as Blessed John XXIII.

Elvis Presley had a twin brother, Jessie Garon, who was stillborn, leaving Elvis to grow up as an only child. This is the official story, but is it true? What if his twin brother had lived and for some reason was hidden from public? What if he had a premature aging disease such as Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria Syndrome (HGPS) which causes the person afflicted to age at a more rapid rate? Furthermore what if Jessie Garon had replaced Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli, the future Pope John XXIII, at some time and place? Now you might think this is wild X-Files type conjecture, but we will show you some so-called coincidences and photographic evidence that this is in fact what happened. After all enquiring minds want to fill their heads with mindless drivel.

Elvis Presley knowing these facts taunted us with the truth of this throughout his career. Over and over he choose symbolic actions to point to the fact that his brother was alive and poping. To start with Elvis’s middle name is Aaron, the very same name as Moses’s brother who was the very first priest in the Levitical priesthood. Elvis made thirty-three movies, exactly the same number traditionally as the years Jesus lived. Elvis’s estate and mansion was called Grace-land, an obvious reference to what we all require from God. One of his Movies “Change of Habit” had three nurses, who are really incognito Catholic Nuns. The theme of people not being who they seem to be
in a Catholic context again rears its head.

Here is Pope John XXIII wearing the papal crown. Elvis in his younger years worked as a delivery boy for (are you ready?) Crown Electric.

In the 1300s there was an anti-Pope who called himself John XXIII, so why was this name selected? Could the number 23 be symbolic for something? That is exactly the case, Elvis’s 23rd movie was Double Trouble. In hindsight this is pointing us to the fact that his brother was having troubles doubling as the pope. Elvis’s 23rd hit song was “Return to Sender”, which when played backwards at half speed you can barely hear “John XXIII is dead.”

Elvis went into the Army and then later was sent to Germany on Oct 1, 1958. Elvis had never been to Europe before but coincidentally later in that same month John XXIII was elected pope. Was he there to encourage his brother and to help jockey him into position as the future pope? Elvis had his picture taking with many world famous personages including President Nixon, but there is not one picture of Elvis with the Pope. Was he afraid that someone would spot the obvious similarities?

Now we turn our attention to Elvis’s songs. Elvis often wrote on religious yhemes such as Devil in Disguise, Crying in the Chapel, Burning Love. The deep theology of one song describes how compared to God we are nothing. That only God exists in and of himself and that we only exist because of him and are totally dependent on him. St. Francis said “Christ is everything, and I am nothing” and Elvis bring this to our modern sensibilities with the profound words “You ain ‘t nothing but a Hound Dog.”

Pope John XXIII in 1959 rejected the request of a scientific panel to study the Shroud of Turin. Elvis when found dead had a book on the Shroud of Turin.

John XXII and Elvis both had the identical taste in clothes. They both preferred to wear white with a red robe! The chances of two people not related having the same genetic fashion taste defect for clothes is 1 in 100,000,000,000. Now you might be able to take all of this as just plain coincidence and that is theoretically possible though implausible, but this last piece of information will make a believer of you.

This photo through the amazing advances in digital imaging research was able to not only detect the shoes he was wearing, but through a spectrograph analysis brings back the original color. There you have it Blessed John XXIII was secretly wearing BLUE SUEDE SHOES at this ceremony!!!

On 3 September 2000, John Paul II beatified “good pope John”. His incorrupt body was transferred to the upper level of the Vatican Basilica and placed under the altar of St. Jerome on Pentecost Sunday, 3 June 2001. There have been many sightings of Elvis as still being alive. Possibly his body is also incorrupt and has only been transported from location to location. The seeming life-like pose of uncorrupt bodies could fool many onto believing he was still alive.

This concludes this investigative report and we only ask you to objectively look at the evidence and decide based on it’s merits alone.

"Liturgy for Ignoramuses"

Your first step to liturgical understanding
Your first step is to find a Catholic Church to go to. In the past this was a simple procedure of driving around your neighborhood until you spotted one. If you live in Rome you can still use this tactic.			The two pictures are both Catholic Churches and although the eye can not normally spot the architectural and design similarities, they do exist – people smarter than us tell us that it is so. One technique is to find a sign in the front that says "Catholic Church", if there is also a sign advertising Bingo then you have correctly identified it.
Approach the entrance of your local Catholic Church			Before entering listen closely for the strains of Marty Haugen or other modern liturgical music.
Emergency Church Exit Procedures
If detected, run don’t walk to the nearest exit.			Look at your list of backup parishes or call 1-800-MASSTIME.
Fun Facts!			Rubrics
GIRM stands for the General Instruction of the Roman Missal. The Roman Missal is made up of two parts: The Lectionary for Mass and what we currently call the Sacramentary, the book with prayers and directions (rubrics) for celebrating Mass.			Contrary to popular understanding rubrics does not come from the Latin for "things to ignore during Mass" It is actually from the Latin word red and is used to indicate stuff you should actually do!
Bless yourself			Sign of the Cross
Now find the Holy Water font. This can be anywhere from around three inches to the size of a backyard pool.			While making the sign of the cross say "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. AMEN." Do not be confused by those parishioners who are able to make this sign and still only move their hand a couple of inches.
Before the start of Mass			The Cantor
Some people like to prepare themselves before the Mass starts. Some will sit or kneel and pray silently and some will pray the Rosary. Some to prepare themselves for the greatest prayer on earth will talk and gossip constantly to the person next to them.			The Cantor might announce the start of the Mass and the opening hymn and other hymns throughout. If you notice the Cantor moving their arms about strangely or playing weird instruments, do not be alarmed and call a psychiatric hospital. These are considered normal behaviors for a cantor. Cantors also have the strange speech impediment where they are unable to say priest. They will use words instead like presider to overcome this problem.
The Priest			[Introductory Rite]
The Mass requires either a Priest or a Bishop to be celebrated. The celebrant stands in the place of Christ for the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. The priest/Bishop are issued in male models only. If you find the other model- please refer to the "Emergency Church Exit Procedures"			The priest says a greeting something like, ‘The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all." The people respond, "And also with you." Now if you wonder why the Latin "Et cum spiritu tuo" wasn’t translated to "And with your spirit", we will come to the wonderful world of ICEL shortly
The Penitential Rite			The Kyrie
A time for the priest and people to reflect on their sins and express repentance for those sins. If the Confeitor prayer is used then strike your breast when you say "through my own fault" If you are without sin like most American Catholics who don’t go to confession, then strike someone else’s breast			A litany of mercy: "Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy." Sometimes The Kyrie actually uses Kyrie such as in: "Kyrie eleison. Christe eleison. Kyrie eleison." If this happens, double check that you aren’t in an SSPX chapel.
[Liturgy of the Word]			Feeling ICEL-ated?
On Sundays and other Holy Days of Obligation we will normally have a reading from the Old Testament, a non-Gospel New Testament reading, and then the Gospel.			If you are wondering about the sub par biblical translations and all the brother and sister inclusions, don’t worry about it. Back in the 60s the Church saw the rising unemployment of incompetent translators and out of charity gave them a job on the International Commission on English in the Liturgy [ICEL].
The Gospel Reading			The Homily
The Gospel is read by someone with Holy Orders i.e. Deacon/Priest/Bishop. Again if you detect a non-standard issuance, refer to the "Emergency Church Exit Procedures"			The homily is based on the readings of the day. As far as I have been able to determine it is an art form where you try to constantly give spiritual talks without ever using the words abortion, contraception, fornication, adultery, repentance, and sin.
Profession of Faith – The Creed			What’s up with that?
The Nicene Creed is then recited by all of the faithful. During this part of the creed: " by the power of the Holy Spirit he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man." All are to make a profound bow. At Christmas, all are to genuflect at these words.			You might ask "Hey I am following the postures you are specifying, but I see nobody else doing them?" To learn the answer to that, it is time to meet the Liturgist.
The Liturgist			Obligatory Liturgist Joke
	The Liturgist has the difficult task of reading the plain words of the GIRM and then writing documents and instructing others into why kneeling really means to stand up.		There is a joke that God saw that the American Church was not suffering so he gave us liturgist. Personally I would have preferred the old fashion fire and brimstone or a 40 day flood.
If you want to understand the saying "talk till you are blue in the face", then try arguing with a liturgist. My suggestion if approached by a liturgist is to not listen and to nod politely as they talk and then run at your first opportunity.
General Intercessions (Prayer of the Faithful)			[Liturgy of the Eucharist]
The needs of the Church, community, world, nation, special intentions are made to God. Someone will instruct you that the response is "Lord, hear our prayers!" We must be reminded of this each week even though the response never changes.			Eucharist which means thanksgiving is the heart of the entire liturgical celebration. Pay attention, or more accurately pray attention. Unlike the apostles who slept in that hour before Jesus was taken away, we are called to worship during the hour of the Mass
Preparation Of The Gifts			Eucharistic Prayer
The offering of ourselves is made symbolically by the presentation of the bread and wine from the congregation. The presentation of the gifts and the accompanying prayers of the priest, however, is not the offering of the Mass. It is but the initial stage preparing the material for the sacrifice, and the symbolic expression of uniting ourselves with the sacrifice of Christ. This highly symbolic act is done by coughing up a dollar bill. The church exists outside of time and space and rules about currency inflation don’t seem to apply. If a dollar was good enough for our forebears 100 years ago it is good enough for us now.			The Eucharistic prayer, a prayer of thanksgiving and sanctification, is the center and high point of the entire celebration. In an introductory dialog the priest invites the people to lift their hearts to God in prayer and thanks; he unites them with Himself in the prayer he addresses in their name to the Father through Jesus Christ. The meaning of the prayer is that the whole congregation joins Christ in acknowledging the works of God and in offering the sacrifice".
The Consecration			The Our Father
As Catholics we believe and confirm that when the words of consecration are said by the priest that the bread and wine are transfigured into the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Christ. The Church uses the technical term transubstantiation to describe this process, So the next time some Gallup Poll representative asks you a question about the Eucharist, please answer correctly.			Contrary to what the Diocese of Cleveland has put out this is not the correct posture during the Our Father.
Kiss of Peace (Grip and Grin)			Holy Communion
This is the part of the Liturgy where males test their hand shake abilities and see if they can cause major nerve damage in the hand of the recipient. Others practice their hugging skills and see if they can hug everybody within fifty feet.			After the Agnus Dei, who is not related to AC/DC’s guitarist Agnus Young, and the breaking of the bread – the faithful receive Holy Communion. The Bishops have issued guidelines on who can receive communion. If you want to know if you can receive communion kneeling and you have twenty hours to spare, then read the debate between Rerum Novarum and SecretAgentMan’s Dossier.
Concluding Rite			What about singing?
This is the part of the Mass where the great commission is announced "Go out into the whole world and have coffee and donuts." This part of the liturgy is also used to determine those who have birthdays, anniversaries, and who are from out of town.			As Catholics we don’t have to worry about singing. If they had wanted us to sing they would not have chosen songs in the vocal range of dolphins and whales, but could’ve chosen songs in the normal human range.
Some things to remember			The gates of Hell will not prevail upon the Church
As you go to Masses offered by different parishes do not be surprised at the unconformity of how the Mass is celebrated. Do not be surprised at silly homilies and irreverent parishioners. Just try to pray and remember Jesus’ promise.

This post was inspired (blatantly ripped off) from the both The Lemon and Victor Lams

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (Roto Reuters) – The Ten Commandments monument ordered removed from the rotunda of the Alabama Judicial Building by a federal judge has been moved to a non-public part of the judicial building.

It took just a little more than an hour to move the granite cube onto a dolly.

In a surprise move a new statue has been unveiled at the Ten Commandments monument’s previous location. A large golden calf with the plaque “These are your gods, O United States, who brought you the laws of the Country.” Aaron a lawyer with the ACLU quickly gathered golden earrings, tongue-piercings, Rolexes, and other gold jewelry from members of the ACLU and Americans United for Separation of Church and State and fashioned this statue.

Aaron when asked how he managed to rapidly create this statue replied ‘Well I said let any who have gold take it off; so they gave it to me, and I threw it into the fire, and there came out this calf.”

Judge Moore when asked about the situation replied “I have seen this people, and behold, it is a stiff-necked people”

Previous monument being moved		ACLU rejoice over victory

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