Humor

James Preece has put together a set of spirit cards in a parody of Magic: The gathering card game. These graphics are beautifully done with both the picture and bible and CCC quotes.

The headline alone — "Voter’s Guide for Serious Catholics" — angered several readers of a full-page advertisement in Twin Cities newspapers this week and stirred complaints to the local archdiocese, which said it had nothing to do with its content.

"I go to daily Mass, I’m a serious Catholic, and I don’t feel at all in conjunction with those views,” said Carol Mulcahy of St. Paul.

And just what are those views this serious Catholic doesn’t feel in conjunction with? Abortion, Euthanasia, ESCR, Cloning, and Homosexual Marriage.

The Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis is making it clear the "church” didn’t pay for Tuesday’s ad. In fact, it discouraged parishes from distributing its contents in booklet form because it deemed it was partisan.

"We are nonpartisan, and we don’t want to send an unintended signal that implies we’re telling anyone who to vote for,” archdiocesan spokesman Dennis McGrath said. "For the same reason, we wouldn’t issue a disavowal of the ad either, not in this charged political environment.” [Source]

This sounds more like a statement from the Diocese of Laodicea.

Then again maybe it just wasn’t fair for Catholic Answers to single out serious Catholics. After all many Catholics who hold heterodox opinions are serious too – seriously wrong. So to remedy this oversight:

Have you ever had a piece of the Eucharist stuck in your teeth? I have at times felt with my tongue a piece of his most Precious Body caught in the cap of a tooth. I remember once thinking of grabbing a tooth pick (to dislodge and to swallow) and then I realized I would be like Roman centurion Longinus who put a spear into his side. Then I also realized how cool it was to have a temporary tabernacle in my mouth and the the Eucharist would remain with me a little longer before being digested. No attempt here to be sacrilegious, after all Jesus is the the way the tooth and the life.

Radio Blogger has called into question John Kerry shooting a goose in what has been termed Gandergate. When asked by a reporter "How mandy did you get," Kerry replied "Everybody got one." Yet the photo reveals no Goose being carried by John Kerry’s and that everybody else is carrying one.

I believe that he accidentally shot down Mother Goose. After finding out the the goose had no job other then being a mother, his wife Teresa told him that since this goose never had a real job he should throw it out. I think we should all cry fowl over this.

What do you think of the color-coded terror alerts the Department of Homeland Security issues?

I think Americans, sadly, laugh at it. They don’t know what to do.

Will you continue that program?

No. I’m going to find some more thoughtful way of alerting America.

Maybe he will do something similar to the French alert system with various shades of yellow.

Or more likely he will have a Diplomat Alert System where each successive level requires sending even more diplomats and weapons inspectors to address the problem. This was after all his plan to contain Saddam Hussien by doing what we had already been doing since the first Gulf War.

Or maybe a more "thoughtful way" would be this:

Dawn Eden reports on the crack team, I mean team on crack, working to defraud voters registration forms with names like Mary Poppins. She lists some reasons why Mary Poppins would support John Kerry. Here are a few of my own.

• Because a nanny would support a nanny state
• She said "Sacked! Certainly not! I am never sacked" and Kerry said "I don’t fall down," the SOB knocked me over."
• The character Mr. Banks said "Kindly do not attempt to cloud the issue with facts"
• She also said "I’m sure I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about." just like Kerry supporter Don Imus said "I don’t know what he’s talking about.” after interviewing Kerry about Iraq.
• The movie starred Dick Van Dyke and Kerry called Cheney’s daughter a …. during the debates.
• John Kerry would raise the minimum wage for chimney sweeps
• Because one day everyone will carry an umbrella to protect themselves from global warming.

Move over, "Fluffy" and "Fido." You’ve been replaced — by Lutherans whose faith has influenced the naming of their pets. Responding to a call in the July issue of The Lutheran, readers not only reported faith-full names but also served up stories to go with them.

Not surprisingly, Martin Luther is a driving force for some pet owners. "We named our dog ‘Lute’ — short for Lutheran," wrote Steve Tangen, pastor of St. John Lutheran Church, Dickinson, N.D. "We wanted to be an ecumenical household, so we decided if we got a cat, we would name it ‘Cat’ — short for Catholic."

This could lead to problems especially if their dog started to nail 95 feces onto doors. I am also not sure about the concept of animal ecumenism. One barking out that the other is a heretic and the cat meowing back an anathema. I read somewhere recently a blogger wanting to name their dog anathema just so that they could say Anathema sit! Would they say the Nicene Breed? Would cats say "Be purrfect as the father is purrfect? Would an owner sen their dog to obedience of faith school?

Mona Lackore’s family had a string of bad luck with cats that had anything but nine lives. So she named the next one Moses Methuselah in hopes of a long life. "He did survive significantly longer than his immediate predecessors," said the Willmar, Minn., resident. [Source]

The prime minister, an Anglican, had reportedly expressed an interest in joining his wife Cherie and their four children in the Catholic faith.

The Blair family priest, Father Timothy Russ, told The Times newspaper Mr Blair "may well" convert.

But Mr Blair emphatically denied the story when challenged by reporters, joking: "Don’t they run this once a year?"

‘No barrier’

Fr Russ, the priest who presides over communion at Chequers, said it would be "unwise" to speculate on whether Mr Blair would convert but added "it might well end up that way".

Mr Blair had even asked him: "Can the prime minister of Britain be a Catholic?," he told the paper.

But asked by reporters in Budapest, where Mr Blair is attending a Progressive Government conference, whether he was planning to convert, he said: "I am saying no.

"Don’t they run this once a year? I think they do." (Source)

I think I will pray for Tony Blair’s conversion and in fact I encourage you to do so also. Maybe I will call this The Blair Switch Project.

One of the challenges in being a Christian is to work on not jumping to conclusions about a person’s motives. To try to assign a more charitable reason for a perceived failure. I have written in the past about liturgical abuses and how it has dumbfounded me as to how the obvious rubrics in the GIRM can be totally ignored and substituted with someone own preferences. I was inclined to think the worse of those who do change the liturgy to their own liking or point of view. When I served a six month sting as a Navy Recruiter we were told that if someone came into the office and wanted to go into electronics to not focus on this one field until after they have had a physical. The reason for this is that since some people have color blindness this would make it difficult to work in the electronics field. Resistors and some other components are color coded and wiring is done the same way. It was only after they had successfully passed the test for color blindness and had the requisite ASVAB test scores that we would talk to them about the electronics field. This got me wondering if just possibly there might be underlying physical problem or learning disorder leading to liturgical abuse?

The Curt Jester Institute for Liturgical Dysfunction after much research and tests has determined the underlying physical problems that have lead to many liturgical abuses. Rubric comes from the from the Latin rubrica for red which signified the red earth used by carpenters to mark on wood the line to follow in cutting it. Today it seems that some liturgist holding to a meaning that rubric is the mark in the GIRM for cutting out. But the truth is otherwise. Because of the color used for rubrics liturgist who suffer from Liturgical Rubric Color Dyslexia actually not only don’t see the rubrics but see something else entirely.

Liturgical Rubric Color Dyslexia (LRCD):

Example of LRCD

Chant Deafness (CD):

This is similar to tone deafness. With Chant Deafness the person not only can’t hear the beauty of chant, but even worse, believes that many hymns found in modern hymnals are beautiful. Those who are tone deaf normally can’t find a job as a choir director. Those that are Chant deaf actually for some unknown reason appear to be predominantly chosen as choir directors. While we should have empathy for those afflicted with such a horrible syndrome – I think equal opportunity for this problems goes to far.

Sign of Peace Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (SOPOCD):

We have all heard of those with OCD that obsessively keep washing their hands over and over. There is a liturgical variant of this syndrome where the priest at Mass can not keep himself from leaving the sanctuary and then shaking the hands of everybody at Mass. Some priests have a milder variant where they can control themselves and only shake the hands of everybody in the front couple of rows.

Reverse Posture Syndrome (RPS):

You might observe someone standing after receiving the Eucharist or sitting during the consecration. People who have RPS automatically choose any posture but the one recommended. Strangely some bishops have even encouraged this disorder.

Levitating Hand Magnetism Syndrome (LHMS):

This seems to be a very common syndrome that infected the populace sometime in the 60s or 70s. People who have LHMS will display the following symptoms. During the Our Father their hands will start to levitate up in the air and then magnetically attach themselves to the hands of someone else with LHSM)

Gender Replacement Syndrome (GRS):

If during a scripture reading or a homily you keep hearing Brothers and Sisters inserted all over the place then this person has GRS. A sure sign that a whole parish is infected with GRS is if you hear the hymn Faith or Our Mothers or any other derivation on that theme. This syndrome is very easy to test in the clinic. You simply ask them to say the word man in a universal context. They are simply unable to do it. Instead you will hear human kind, people, person, or just about anything but the word man. Normally these people can recite any word combinations of the three persons in the Divine Trinity except the words Father and Son.

Smells and Bells Allergy (SBA):

Parishes seemed to have worked overtime to make their churches SBA friendly for those who suffer from this severe allergy. The first waft from a thurible is horrible and can make them break out in a rash – rash judgment. Bell ringing at the consecration, especially if done by an altar boy vice an altar girl, will not only wake them up but causes them to seek an antidote immediately. This allergy seems to be extremely selective and in tests done cowbells, tambourines, their cell phone going off during Mass, wind chimes and other forms of instruments that can chime cause no discomfort, but the slightest ring during the consecration causes major discomfort. Symptoms include guttural muttering about pre-Vatican II and verbal aspirations about traditionalists (said as if it is a swear word. The smell allergy also seems to be highly selective since many subjects followed new age concepts such as aroma therapy and many liturgical practices that don’t pass the smell test they can easily accept.

Loftophobia:

Even in churches with perfectly fine choir lofts singers afflicted with loftophobia have the fear of singing at heights suspended above the back of the church and away from the gaze of the congregation. Those with lofophobia are usually not bothered by crowds since they don’t mind being crowded into a small area in the sanctuary. This phobia seems to have a group dynamic like mass hysteria and is usually known more properly as Mass Entertainment. Those who are afflicted by loftophobia usually also have a form of relevantitis. Another symptom of loftophobia that occurs in choir directors is wandering handitits. This is where the choir director is unable to keeps his hands at their side and they try to direct the audience congregation like an orchestra conductor.

Leotardation:

This extremely strange physical and mental psychosis causes the person to have the urge to dress in leotards and prance around the sanctuary. This is often associated with additionally waving banners, streamers, or other props around in some rhythmic movement. If this is observed do not approach the individual but immediately call your local institute for the liturgically insane.

So I am sure this information will be invaluable in helping you to view people with Liturgical Dysfunctions with more kindness and charity. Please report any other instances of LD to the Curt Jester Institute for Liturgical Dysfunction for further study.