Humor

From an article in the NY Times about yesterday’s press conference with Pope Benedict XVI.

Ms. Macher said he was modest, not at all showy for a man of his position, with a dry sense of humor.

"Someone lost his dog and put up a sign: Has anyone seen this German Shepherd?" she recalled. "He came in and said, ‘No, no, it’s not me. I’m here.’ It was really funny – it surprised us. I think he is going to surprise us."

Also here is the text of the Pope’s homily today at his inauguration Mass.

Since Pope Benedict XVI has a email address for us to send him a greeting. Many including myself have wondered about papal spam. Rick Lugari at Unam Santum has a funny take on a possible example.
As for me I was wondering what he is going to think after his thousandths spam email from Nigeria? Now I am sure he wouldn’t think that Cardinal Arinze was behind it or that the good Cardinal had any sour grapes (in fact I bet he is sighing with relief).

Maybe just possibly his Holiness being aware of spam is a good thing. It is certainly a reminder of the work the Church has ahead of it. Spam is a good cultural barometer when it comes down to it. I also wonder if he gets junk mail. "We noticed that recently you have become pope and so we are offering you a pre-approved line of credit at a low introductory rate!"

You might have been told in the past that Humanae Vitaemins were not good for you or that if your conscience decided you didn’t need Humanae Vitaemins you could safely ignore them. Latest cultural medical studies have proven the link between lack of Humanae Vitaemins and the lack of children. These studies show the extreme cultural malnutrition from not getting their *RDA of required spiritual nutrition.

Now with B16, Ut Unum Sintrum, has all the required nutrients you have relied on in the past and more. B16 works well with and expands with needed daily intake such as VII and JP2 (Beta-Karoltene) and will not interfere in any way with them. In fact the synergetic effect will only enhance your spiritual metabolism.

The B16 caplets have a special smooth coating allowing you to swallow them without any water. Yet it is true with B16 you do not have to water it down in any way. Our B16 is doctrinally pure with no heretical impurities such as those found in anti-Humanae Vitaemins.

Studies have conclusively proven that people taking B16 daily will continue to have smooth running and orthodox metabolism for years to come. B16 in trials has proven not to be harsh or difficult as had been initially reported.

We are also introducing Ut Unum Sintrum for children since your children are never too young to start off with proper spiritual growth. Parents will be pleased to know that our Humanae Vitaemins are not sugar coated, just like everything else we offer with B16 in it. Guaranteed not to cause truth decay or any form of spiritual rot. The children’s tablets come in fun shapes like German Shepherds and Rottweilers.

*Ratzinger Daily Allowance

There is just something so cool as a convert in seeing your first black smoke. The anticipation mixed with the let down that we don’t yet have a new pope. Also fun is the media freaking out with no way to know about how the voting is going. That they have to wait just like everybody else for the first whiffs of white smoke. It is also nice that the conclave doesn’t have any resemblance to a presidential election. No Cardinal exit polls. No world maps divided up into red and blue countries. No dirty tricksters slashing the Cardinals tires on the way to vote. No reports that Cardinal Arinze and other African cardinals were disenfranchised from being able to vote.

I am just thankful thought that the conclave isn’t in the U.S. You just know the EPA would force them to put scrubbers in the chimneys to prevent any black smoke from going into the atmosphere.

John Gibson at Musings of an Expagan ponders the question about needing to go to confession when confession times are normally so limited.

Perhaps I am a bit off on this, but I have made an informal study of the surrounding parishes in our area. It seems that most confession times are on Saturday afternoon and "By Appointment." So If am to serve Mass on Saturday morning where the heck is one supposed to go to get a confession on Friday Night? Since I take Paul’s admonishment that to partake of the Body and Blood unworthily is to eat and drink damnation, what do I do? Easy. I ask for confession and get a bit miffed when the Priest asks me if I know about the regularly scheduled times for confession.

So… The chicken and egg question today: Is the lack of use of the Sacrament of Penance or Reconciliation due to the fact that times are not available or is it due to the lack of instruction on the need for this sacrament?

Build it and they will come? If you increase confession times will people flock to confess?

I think the "build it they will come" idea is correct. At my parish they have confession before each Mass which is twice daily and four times on Sunday. There is always somebody in line and our pastor will hold off Mass as long as possible to try to see everyone in line. I have occasionally been to other parishes during the short time frame confession is available on Saturday evening and rarely have seen more than just a few people in line. This is of course only antidotal information, but what I describe seems prevalent by what I have read.

Being a convert I have sometimes wondered how this wonderful sacrament got so deemphasized? It seems doubtful that parishes just all of a sudden switched from having confession generally available to the model we have now. It would seem more likely that people had already started to less frequently go to confession and because of this trend that parishes started to diminish the amount of time confession was available. That the demand for confession was reduced over time because sins themselves had become deemphasized. Cut out sins and you cut out the need for confession. Original sin becomes original complex in this highly therapeutic culture. People will get in line to broadcast their most intimate details on Oprah or Dr. Phil, but will run screaming at the thought of a confessional and confessing their sins to a priest. We have analyzed that having guilt is an underlying cause itself that must be eliminated and ignore the fact that it is a symptom normally of sinful activity.

Regardless of how we got to this point the question is how we can reverse it. There has to be both an effort to make it generally available and for Catholics to understand that they need it. I am convinced that a new springtime for the Church will not blossom until such time as Catholic generally return to confession. Unfortunately confession is just seen mostly as "just so pre-Vatican II" and many priests discouraged the use of regular confession in the case of venial sins. Most of us will readily admit to being sinners in some generic capacity, but it seems another story to admit to individual sins.

We are currently in the year of the Eucharist as proclaimed by our late Holy Father. I think we need a year of mercy to concentrate on the sacrament of confession. People definitely need to be catechized to see the link between confession and the Eucharist. To properly prepare ourselves for worthy reception. I would love to see an encyclical letter written on the subject to emphasize once again this wonderful sacrament of mercy. I also realize though that even when the Vatican has lead on important subjects that unfortunately they are largely ignored or not really implemented a the diocesan and parish level. But even a small amount of people regularly returning to confession will have a large impact on their lives and consequently the life of the Church.

The question though is what is the best method to get American to frequent the confessional? In this fast food culture maybe we could appeal to a fast food idea like drive thru confession. I propose a new company called Jiffy Shriven after the Old English term to go to confession.

Here would be my logo.

And a sample drive thru.

And to easily remind people when to return to confession, the following sticker could be placed on the driver side windshield.

While your there they could also check your holy water font or holy water bottle level to see if more fluids need to be added. Though you won’t have to worry about them trying to hawk other sacrament while there. You won’t hear "I noticed you are not looking so well. We can give you final unction as part of a package deal."

There has been some pretty strange tie in articles about popes and conclaves, but this article about an exotic dancer turned papal historian is rather strange. Her interest in popes started with her interesting in reading about poisoners. I wouldn’t give much credence though to her book "The Deaths of the Popes" since she comes to the conclusion that John Paul I was poisoned to cover up a Vatican banking scandal.

The Catholic community in Mumbai believes that Cardinal Ivan Dias who is one of the probables in the race for Papacy, would make history, if elected, as he would be the first one from Asia to grace the seat that has been the fount of 2005 years of Christianity. Dias was a close friend of Pope John Paul II, and the only Asian seriously in the running to succeed him. As the Archbishop of Mumbai, Dias, even though one of the dark horses to become the next leader of the Roman Catholic church, has a huge support rallying behind him from all quarters. Cardinal Dias has spent over three decades outside India, much of it as the Pope’s emissary around the world, reinforcing the Vatican’s conservative messages on issues such as homosexuality and abortion. But since his return to Mumbai eight years ago, [Source]

If Cardinal Ivan Dias was elected we would probably have to suffer through many "The Catholic Church has outsourced the pope" jokes. "You have reached Liturgical Support, press one to report a liturgical abuse."

Update: From an article by John L. Allen, Jr. about negative conclave campaigning that includes reports that Cardinal Dias has diabetes.

In my experience, a safe rule of thumb is to assume such whispering campaigns are false until proof to the contrary emerges. Dias, for example, told a friend in Rome yesterday that he was surprised to read in the papers that he has diabetes, because it’s the first he’s heard of it. (This is reminiscent of John Paul II’s standard line when reporters would ask about his health. “I don’t know,” he would quip. “I haven’t read the newspapers yet.”)

Here is another new site in preparation for the conclave. Pope-U-Lator

Roman Catholics believe that when the 115 guys in red socks go into the secretive Conclave, they will be guided by God Himself in their election of the new Pope. Since there are 1.1 billion Catholics on the planet, there are two questions that will fascinate the world in the next few days. Who will be elected as the new Pope? and What name will the new Pope select for himself?

Fill out the short questionnaire on the Pope-U-Lator and five Papabiles are shown based on your criteria. I got Cardinal Arinze ad #1 in response to mine.

There is also the Name-U-Lator to let you choose a papal name. If you choose progressive agenda you get:

Look. Why don’t you people give up?

If you want priestesses, gay marriage, contraception, abortion, euthanasia, a 4th person in the Divine Trinity or whatever floats your boat, just join a Protestant Church.

If you want to stick with plain old Christianity, you are going to have to face the fact that the Pope is the guardian of the Deposit of Faith. He can’t just make up a new dogma when he feels like it. He can’t ordain ladies, nor can he reverse the constant Church teaching against contraception and abortion. It’s just not going to happen.

The one for a conservative papal name is also funny. All of this is in good fun and the site has the following disclaimer.

Your use of this website is conditioned upon your acceptance of the following terms of use:

* You agree to view the contents of this site with a somewhat developed sense of humor

and

* You realize that the creators of this site hold the Holy Father – Pope John Paul II – in utmost reverence, believe that the papacy was instituted by Christ, and are abjectly faithful to the Magisterium.

The site also lists the Whapters, Fr. Sibley’s and my blog on it.

There has been some speculation as to what name a new pope would choose or whether he might also choose a double name. A pope with a good sense a humor could possibly pick a name that would really tweak anti-Catholics and those who see the Catholic Church in the Book of Revelations. Here are some ideas. We have had a various Pope Sixtus’s so why not a new tradition with a triple name like "Sixtus Sixtus, Sixtus." We have also had a Pope Markus so how about a "Markus Beast" along the same lines. Or maybe just Pope Babylon. Of course a Swedish pope could name himself "Leif Behind." It would be really fun watching all the people preparing for the end of the world and think what it would do for the manufacturers of bomb shelters.

The unfortunate side effect would be more Left Behind books, but then again they just don’t stop anyway. They are like Freddy Krueger on steroids. Just when you think they published the last one, then out comes another one. Speaking of Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye I recently saw this quote"a mishmash of myth, silliness, and misrepresentations of Scripture." No it wasn’t a Amazon.com book review of their series, it was Mr. Jenkins critique of NBC’s apocalyptic miniseries, Revelations. Talk about irony.

Hugh Hewitt notices that there is of yet, no patron saint of blogging and suggests St. Augustine as the obvious choice or possibly St. HUGH of Lincoln. While St. Augustine is a good choice, I have another saint in mind. I would nominate a contemporary of his – St. Jerome who was a prodigious letter writer. His temperament was closely suited to many bloggers and he was definitely a pundit who let loose a good rant at times He had to fight his naturally cranky temperament and is now both a saint and a Doctor of the Church. This shows that there is also hope for most of us pundit type bloggers who have been know to show similar traits at times (or everyday).

Being that he was once a hermit this would fit the media perception of bloggers to at T. They already identify us as predominantly pajama-clad white males blogging from a basement; so cave blogging would be an good metaphor for them.

"If you have trouble controlling your temper at times, being patient and staying calm interacting with others, then you are normal. Nearly everyone blows-up now and then. Grace and virtue can harness and tame you to some degree but unless you live in isolation you will most likely loose your cool occasionally. Our habits become ingrained in us. That’s the most important reason why we should cultivate good habits, especially mental habits. Our thinking needs guidance because thoughts beget habits. Jerome can enlighten you. Implore him for assistance.

Perhaps because of his wide exposures to many people and travels, he developed a pugnacious and cantankerous disposition at times. His keen intellect could be contentious when his vision of truth differed from others. Jerome was a passionate lover of biblical, written expression. His ill-nature, that all creatures possess due to original sin, was forever attacking, challenging and defending his pursuit of scriptural expression." [Source]

Besides this Saint is one that many Protestants could also embrace as a patron saint since St.
Jerome said "ignorance of scripture is ignorance of Christ."

St Jerome, protector of sarcastic bloggers, pray for us!

Update: Professor Bainbridge at Mirror of Justice has his own suggestions.