Humor

One of my many worries is that some morning I will wake up with the urge to build a rosary of bowling balls in my front yard.

Laugh, clowns, it happened to a guy in Tennessee. Thirty-three AMF Black Beauties. Drilled. Seventy-pound-test dog chain between them.

“Jesus Christ,” said his neighbors. Exactly the reaction he was seeking. They’re lucky he didn’t do the gasoline stations of the cross. [Source]

Well that is one way to both slow down praying the rosary and to build forearm strength at the same time. Though if he drops a bead I hope he says "Hail Mary" instead of something else.

Kathy Shaidle replies in part to Andrew Sullivan:

…Unlike pro-gay "marriage" activists, divorcees, birth control users and those living together outside of wedlock are not campaigning to have their sins magically transformed into sacraments.

Organized gangs of troublemakers have yet to storm a cathedral and demand that the priest bless their IUDs. Those whose marriages are breaking up are not insisting that the Church invent a new ceremony to affirm their ok-ness. [Source]

I do wonder what a ceremony of ok-ness would be like? The Rite of Affirmation or the sacrament of Christian cessation where one is giving the grace to continue to do whatever it is they are already doing. Choosing an applicable scriptural verse might be difficult. We couldn’t have any of that "repent and …" or "go and sin no more" stuff. Maybe we could add the Me-atitudes – Blessed is me. Instead of what happened in the the old rite for confirmation you would instead slap the bishop if he dared disagree with you. The bishop would then apply a suitable oil perhaps like Sunflower oil because it sounds so happy and self-affirming, though it would need to be maintained at a luke-warm temperature. Then of course you would take on an appropriate affirmation name like "Narcissus" or "O Kay". During the ceremony Sinatra’s "I did it my way" would be played on a suitable instrument – anything but a pipe organ. The Sacrament of Affirmation would involve a special outpouring of good feeling from the person being affirmed about themselves. Instead of a Holy Card a pocket mirror could be given for remembrance of this special day. I really hope there aren’t any liturgists reading this. If they are then this text is copyrighted with no permission given to reenact.

The Rev. Daniel Rolland is a magician and a Catholic priest – and he’s able to do both at the same time.

"
I’m a priest who uses magic to illustrate spiritual truth," said Rolland, a Dominican priest who on July 1 will begin a yearlong sabbatical from the St. Thomas More Catholic Newman Center at the University of Arizona to travel the country and work on a lighthearted performance called "The Spiritual Magic of Father Daniel."

"
Magic is a medium to convey a message. Reason is set aside," he said. "It touches on a deep level to remind us that things are possible."

Rolland, a 40-year-old Scottsdale native who became a Dominican priest at age 29, has been practicing magic since he was 8 and though mixing the priesthood and magic may sound like sacrilege to some, he has never found a conflict.

Rather, his magic has turned into ministry. He counts among his friends many neo-Pagans, including Druids and Wiccans.

"
I thought it was just bizarre when I first heard about it," said Renee Schafer Horton, a 46-year-old Tucsonan who attends the Newman Center, 1615 E. Second St., with her husband and four children, ages 16 to 22.

" Then when I saw what he does. He does some really amazing things. He takes Christian concepts of forgiveness, redemption and new life and amazingly makes that into magic and puts it on a level that everyone can understand."

Rolland cuts ropes in half and makes them whole again. He turns on light bulbs without any electricity and has made fire appear and vanish. He asks a visitor to look at his hand, which he shakes until his solemn vows ring moves from his middle finger to his ring finger. His congregants have seen him burn articles about violence and suffering in the world and turn them into falling snowflakes.

"
I like the way he is able to incorporate spirituality with magic," said 20-year-old Abraham Jimenez, a UA sophomore who also attends the Newman Center. "My favorite is the one where he uses rubber bands and talks about boundaries. I like what he has to say."

Holding two rubber bands – one inside another that he holds between his thumb and forefinger – Rolland moves the inner rubber band around, explaining that sometimes we get ourselves into situations when we think we are free but we’re not. Boundaries prevent us from being all we can be, he says, showing that the inner band is is constrained by both the outer band and his hand. But then the magic happens: One rubber band appears to move right through the other and it is no longer constrained. Why? Jesus, he says, sets us free.

Rolland’s Catholic faith weighs heavily on how he practices magic – he doesn’t use any animals because he views any magic that makes animals disappear as a symbolic act of destroying life. Similarly, he will never saw anyone in half.

"
It looks odd for a priest to be putting knives into people – it’s an unsettling image," he said. "I want to be a positive influence for the church. The priesthood is part of who I am."

Indeed Rolland’s magic is fun, but it’s also a way to illustrate serious concepts from the Bible. The past two years, he has been performing his one-hour-and-15- minute spiritual magic show at local churches and for youth groups to a warm reception. His travel plans include a stop at the Roman Catholic Church’s World Youth Day, which is in Germany this year.
[Source]

He is not alone, there is also another priest magician Rev. Leo Goodman III and a priest ventriloquist Father Douglas Sweet.

The favorite trick of progressive magicians is "make the population of a convent disappear." Of course many modern church architects also give it a go with “make the tabernacle and kneelers disappear.”

The Rev. Myron Flax prepares to deliver Mass on Saturday to a packed house at the Catholic Center, a storefront drop-in site at The Citadel mall in Colorado Springs. (Special to Post / Chuck Bigger)

Colorado Springs – Just outside Mervyn’s department store in The Citadel mall, a brown-robed friar bearded and smiling, waves to shoppers, with absolutely no self-consciousness that here, directly across from Corral West Ranchwear and the gum-ball machines, he is dressed like St. Francis in the year 1209.

The Rev. Matthew Gross, 69, is one of the "mall monks" – the five Capuchin brothers who staff the Catholic Center, their storefront drop-in spot at the mall. The friars are ordained priests who hear confessions, console the troubled, or simply chat.

These Capuchins are an order of Franciscan friars with a strict adherence to a vow of poverty and a tradition of contemplation. What are they doing in the cathedral of consumerism?

"We’re the modern version of Francis in the marketplace," says the Rev. Curtis Carlson, 45, director of the center. He describes how the original friars of Francis’ community in medieval Italy visited the plazas where people bought and sold merchandise.

The people are here indeed. The center has welcomed more than 100 visitors a day, on average, since its opening in November 2001. Many folks come for Mass – celebrated twice each weekday and once on Saturdays – in the center’s 60-seat chapel. Noon liturgies are often filled to capacity.

…Poverty, obedience and chastity notwithstanding, the Franciscans maintain a spirit that appears, above all, to be joyful – playful, even.

It’s a handy trait to have while moving through contemporary society in a hooded robe and sandals. Carlson laughs, recounting a time when he was pumping gas and a fellow customer called out, "Hey, did you just come from the Renaissance Fair?"

"No," answered the friar. "I’m the real thing."

"Cool," said the other fellow. "Accept no substitutes!" [Source]

I think it is pretty cool that the modern temple of materialism should have within it Capuchins with vows of poverty. I could also see some other religious orders setting up their own storefronts. Carmelites could have a shoe store called "Dark Night of the Sole", or maybe that would be too ironic for discalced (shoeless) Carmelites. Or maybe more appropriate would be Carmelite kitchen supply store since St. Teresa of Avila said "The Lord walks among the pots and pans." Contemplative nuns would make good salesmen in a kitchen store since they are used to speaking behind a grill. Dominican’s of course would have a book store specializing in books 1000 pages or more. Possibly a St. Lawrence Barbeque supply store or a St. Joseph of Cupertino’s store that specializes in model airplanes would also be in order.

This morning’s NPR Morning Edition features an interview with Democratic National Committee chair Howard Dean, who says he wants to reclaim evangelicals and Roman Catholics for the Democratic Party. This is possible, he says, by emphasizing that the Democratic Party is not the party of gay marriage or abortion. When pressed on this, Dean admits he doesn’t want to restrict abortion or homosexual liberationism. Instead, he wants to show evangelicals and Catholics that the Party "has a soul" and respects the values of "people of faith."

In fact, Dean argues, the Democratic Party actually resonates with evangelical values because it cares for those who are "left behind." [Via Mere Comments]

With good ole Howard talking about how it "hates Republicans and everything they stand for" and recently that many Republicans ‘have never made an honest living’ you can understand why Republicans call him the "gift that keeps on giving." Boy is the pro-abortion PAC Emily’s List confused in giving millions of dollars to the party that isn’t about abortion.

I think the below is the only thing that can fully explain Howard Dean.

Via Musings of an Expagan comes this "not a parody" alert.

This Sunday church service will take five minutes and you don’t even have to get out of the car.

The Metropolitan Church of the Quad Cities, 3019 N. Harrison St., Davenport, is sponsoring “Drive-Thru Church” from 10 a.m. to noon Sunday.

“
Just pull up in our parking lot,” the Rev. Rich Hendricks suggests.

He promises some humor in the offerings. Congregants, for example, will be dressed like anglers in tune with a fish theme.

“
This is a way to try and reach out to people who might not otherwise approach the doors of the church,” he said. “Some people don’t relate to traditional church services at all.”

The Harrison Street location prompted Metropolitan Church to choose Memorial Day weekend for the event, said Loretta Gamble of Davenport.

“
People will be busy doing any number of activities but we want to allow folks to have a moment or two, if that’s what they can spare, to think about worship,” she said.

Clowns stationed on Harrison Street will attract cars to the church parking lot located on West 31st Street. Drivers will be greeted by a team of three “anglers” and supplied with the daily scripture and a take-home homily. Prayer requests will be honored.

Everyone will be given communion, but this will be specially delivered in a tackle box, the minister said, in a clean bait cup.

A station will be set up for an informal church choir, and those interested may exit their vehicles and sing. Participants also will take home a special gift in the form of brightly-colored fish key chains or other accoutrements.

No cost is involved but a free-will offering will be collected with part of the proceeds going to AIDS Project Quad Cities.

While a drive-thru service is unusual for this area, Hendricks said his church is not the first in the world to do one. Congregations on both coasts have established drive-thru services and received national attention for it. The non-denominational World of Faith Family Worship Center in Suffolk, Va., relocated to a former bank building in 2001 and began the practice, according to Jet magazine.

The Los Angeles Times reported in 2003 that the Main Place Christian Fellowship, a Southern Baptist congregation south of Los Angeles, established a drive-thru facility in a former photo kiosk across the street from the main church. It was especially valued by unattached Christians, the newspaper said.

Gamble believes the drive-thru event is a creative way to disperse information about the congregation she’s belonged to for more than 10 years.

“
In our church, we believe that God created each and every one of us as good, and we celebrate that,” she said. [Source]

Make sure you also read John’s comments on the story.

Just the though of a drive-thru service is bad enough and to combine it with clowns to attract "customers" is just bizarre. The road to horrific liturgy is paved with good intentions. It does make me ponder about a Catholic version of this and I have previously covered one aspect of this in my Jiffy Shriven post – which coincidentally was sparked by another of John’s posts. First thing though is that Catholics would need to get their cars fitted with those hydraulic lifts used commonly by low-riders to raise and lower a car at will. By lowering and then raising the front you could simulate a genuflection. Mabye rewire the windshield wipers to wipe in the movement of the sign of the cross. I would think that saying Amen instead of honking would still be appropriate. Would they have an "Eternal Happiness Meal" for those kids not old enough to receive Communion or a simple blessing? I kind of like the idea of something like a St. Francis action figure being included with it or a St. Dominic action figure with reinforced knees for doing theology on. Or possibly a St. Catherine of Sienna action figure with removable head for veneration*. After receiving Communion would the priest ask "Do you want grace with that?" Would a more traditional drive-in Mass require a setup like a 1950’s hamburger drive-ins where cars would park on a communion parking rail and the priest would rollerskate to each car bringing Communion? Besides since speakers at drive thru are so bad you would never know if it was in Latin or the vernacular so that would remove one contentious problem. Of course many Catholics are already selecting their theology like off a menu as it is now so for them it would not be too much to adapt to. So for cafeteria Catholics for ease you could have special Combos for common pairings "I’ll have the #1 Social Justice special. That does come without condemnation of abortion – right?" It would be nice to be able to supersize grace.

*Lauren of Cnytr in an email exchange once suggested something along that line to me before.

Jimmy Akin the other day commented on the practice of burying St. Joseph upside down in order to speed up intercession in selling of your house. Matthew at Shrine of the Holy Whapping concurred that he "always found this one a little too much even for my appetite." I also find this practice to be a little bit annoying (if not downright superstitious) as if St. Joseph needed to be coerced into intercession. I mean if you feel that this tactic would really work then why not threaten to break of a finger each week until the house is sold? Or perhaps suspend him in a vat of hot Wesson oil or attach tiny electrodes to the statue. Wouldn’t the Church’s prohibition against torture also apply to the threat of burying statues upside down to elicit selling of your house?

LONDON (Reuters) – British telecoms operator BT Group Plc has wired up a church in Wales to allow the congregation to hook onto local high-speed Internet connections when they want a break from the sermon. Britain’s largest fixed-line telecoms operator said on Tuesday it had installed a Wi-Fi wireless network access point, known as a hotspot, in Reverend Keith Kimber’s St John’s Rectory church in the city of Cardiff.

"The church has to move with the times and I wanted to make St John’s a sanctuary for everyone, including business people with laptops and mobiles," Kimber said in a statement issued by BT. "I have no problem with people quietly sending an email or surfing the Internet in church, as long as they respect the church."

Wi-Fi — a medium-range wireless network that is often rolled out in coffee shops and airport lounges — allows users of laptop computers and other gadgets to access fast Internet connections without having to struggle with wires and mismatched phone plugs. [Source][Via Musings of an Expagan]

Personally I go to church to help to avoid a hotspot, in fact a really really hotspot if you know what I mean. In fact the WWW that I am interested in at Mass is Worship, Worship, Worship.

In some ways I have thought about the internet in relation to the Mystical Body of the Church. We can see the saints in the role as routers that amplify and pass on our prayers. We can ping a saint for a special request. Everywhere we go we can log on via an IP address (Intercessory Prayer) and be confident that our prayers never bounce or get returned as undeliverable. Though maybe it would be cool to pray for someone in Purgatory and then have it bounce back with a forwarding address when they have moved on to the Beatific Vision. If only we realized how much grace that can be downloaded. The only problem with grace bandwidth is our own disposition which can serve as a bottleneck. In fact I find it quite annoying about myself that when receiving the Most Holy Eucharist that instead of opening up a Transubstantiation 1 (T1) line to Christ I am more like to get a bad dial-up connection especially if distractions are considered as loss of connection. Perseverance in prayer can be seen as continuing to try to log on despite connection problems.

One good thing is that God never spams us, though sometimes he sends things our way that we try to filter or delete like in the case of the rich young man in the Gospels of Luke and Matthew. And the only thing he wants to enlarge is our life of faith.

I also wonder if lesser know saints have referral logs like Sitemeter where they can check to see how many intercessory hits they have had in the last hour. That they would rejoice in a spike of traffic since it means they get to help lend a hand in intercessory prayer. Though I also wonder if St. Anthony gets annoyed when the subject line again and again reads "Find something for me." I mean maybe he would like to pray for a special intention every now and again.

ROME Joseph Ratzinger, as a theologian and cardinal, returned to the question often over the years. And now that he is Pope Benedict XVI, his paper trail on the issue provokes skepticism about him among more liberal Roman Catholics. The question, in his own words: "Is the church really going to get smaller?"

At another point, in an interview published in 1997 in "Salt of the Earth," he explained it this way: "Maybe we are facing a new and different kind of epoch in the church’s history, where Christianity will again be characterized more by the mustard seed, where it will exist in small, seemingly insignificant groups that nonetheless live an intense struggle against evil and bring good into the world – that let God in."

The standard argument is that Benedict "wants a more fervent, orthodox, evangelical church – even if it drives people away," as a New Yorker headline put it recently.

Today Pope Benedict XVI revealed what he really meant and that he is ready for and committed to a smaller church as he presented a prototype smaller church. The large crowd at St. Peters square was stunned into silence as they pondered the meaning of a smaller church and that the idea will get some getting use to. Though some commented that it would sure cut down on maintenance and A/C and heating costs.

Critics have pointed out that even with the declining size of the priesthood that they would still not fit in this new church.

Some might consider this to be a radical idea, yet back in 1991 eminent American theologian Avery Cardinal Dulles anticipated this when he wrote Models of the Church.

Cardinal Mahoney of the Diocese of Los Angeles was also prepared to be in line with the Pope as he introduces his new smaller church which will be much more affordable considering all of the law suits he is going to need to settle. His liturgical scientists are still perfecting a way a way to miniaturize liturgical dancers through a technique similar to the what was in the movie Fantastic Voyage.

The smaller cathedral is also available for a price of $22 at the gift store.

Here is an interesting site called "Jonah on the Web‘ which includes links to over 200 articles and 150 pictures on Jonah. The author of the site emailed me since he had included my "If Jonah had a Blog" as one of the links. This parody was a sequel to my "If Adam had a Blog."