Humor

Monsignor Edward McCullough will officiate at a 7:30 a.m. sunrise service on the 18th hole on Sunday, Sept. 18, during the 84 Lumber Classic at Nemacolin Woodlands Resort & Spa in Farmington.

"It’s a brief service, about 15 to 20 minutes that will serve as a Sabbath Day service for folks who are golfing and not able to get to church,” explained McCullough, who is pastor of St. Aloysius Roman Catholic Church in Dunbar and administrator of St. Vincent De Paul Roman Catholic Church in Leisenring. "There will be prayers, Scripture readings and a brief reflection.”

The service is a new addition for the 84 Lumber Classic, now in its third year. [Source]

Well I guess golf courses are really religious sites. After all Jesus’ name is invoked quite often there. This does appear truly to be a prayer service and not a Mass so there are not problems about suitability.

This picture courtesy of Catholic Church Conservation is of a church in Church of St. Andrä, Graz, Austria. Now at first I thought they were honoring the upcoming Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sep 19th) or maybe just Halloween. But no, it is Good Friday. The picture that he has up of some plastic plants used are also pretty surreal (think Day of the Triffids) as is the television at the foot of the cross. Skulls have long been used by some Catholics as a reminder that we are dust, but the above picture is just plain creepy.

Foolish mortals! Bow down lower and the collection better be bigger than last weeks.

It is not unusual for headlines to imply something that the actual article does not assert, but sometimes headlines unintentionally imply something because they are not written well.

Children start new Catholic schools after theirs shut down

The article is actually about children who are going to different Catholic schools since their old one shut down. I was hoping for a The Little Rascals type story and I can just imagine the fun of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Darla and others starting their own Catholic school. Despite the inevitable pratfalls I do wonder if it would be any worse than some in existence?

An Australian artist’s work that shows a "Star Wars" robot hanging from a cross has outraged some churches.

The Melbourne Herald Sun reports that "Crusci-fiction" is part of an exhibit called False Idols by artist Jud Wimhurst which opens this month at a
Melbourne gallery. "Crusci-fiction" is a room-sized installation with 25 replicas of C3PO nailed to crosses.

Wimhurst said his work is not intended as sacrilege.

" We’re talking about sacrilege and the fact that everything’s for sale," he said.

But Monsignor Lee Tomlinson, the city’s Roman Catholic vicar general, suggested the art trivializes the central symbol of Christianity.

" It’s disappointing that Christian symbols seem to be able to be ridiculed, but those of other religions or groups are not," Tomlinson told the newspaper.

Jim Wallace, head of the Australian Christian Lobby, also finds the art offensive.

On the other hand, David Richardson, dean of the Anglican St. Paul’s Cathedral, found "Crusci-fiction" interesting and said Christians don’t have a monopoly on crucifixion. [Source]

Then C3PO was led by his programming into the wilderness to be tempted by Darth Vader. And he ate nothing in those days; and when they were ended, he was still not hungry since he never ate anyway.

I didn’t realize the C in C3PO stood for Christ, but I guess 3 is a good trinitarian number.

Via a reader comes this story:

WEST FARGO, N.D. –The newest greeter at the Holy Cross Catholic Church has a wagging tail, cuddly fur and beseeching brown eyes. Lucky, a golden retriever puppy, belongs to the Rev. Dave Syverson. But he’s also the parish dog.

Besides his Sunday morning duty, Lucky visits religious education classes, Syverson said, to make the experience more fun for the students. A pet carrier, where Lucky stays during Mass, sits in the priest’s office.

"When you have a dog, it’s a license for people to come right up. Then they open up and talk about their own pets or this and that," Syverson said.

Like any 9-week-old puppy, Lucky is a bundle of energy. His long tail wags excitedly as children approach, and jumps up on adults bending down to greet him.

One woman, after greeting the pup, walked into the sanctuary and then came back after she realized she forgot to say good morning to the priest.

Syverson is getting used to it. Although Lucky doesn’t know the command for "shake" yet, all hands go to his paws after church services.

"I used to get 300, 400 handshakes. Now that number is less than 10," Syverson said.

Lucky knows the command "sit" and listens when his owner tells him not to jump or bite. He’s learning how to relate with Syverson’s other pet, a 14-pound cat named Buddha.

Holy Cross member Cindy Horner told Syverson he should train Lucky to be an usher. Syverson joked that the puppy could carry gifts to the altar in a saddlebag — wine in one side, the Eucharist in the other. [Source]

Well I guess since Lucky gets along with Buddha he is rather ecumenical minded though I do wonder if the dog gets upset when the cat tells him his bone is only an illusion. Though I would have named a golden retriever Chrysostom instead and yes I am avoiding the old joke about naming the dog Anathema so you can say Anathema Sit or referencing dogma. Though if you really think about it "dogma is a bitch."

Have you ever pondered Jesus words in Luke 12:49?

"I came to cast fire upon the earth; and would that it were already kindled!

and then look at Revelations 3:1 and 2 to see:

"I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were cold or hot!2 So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth."

Have you ever wanted to test to see if you are truly a Christian "on fire" or one that could one day be cast into unquenchable fires? Are you just deluding yourself that you are on a narrow path and is there an objective way to measure spiritual growth? The answer until now required an objective spiritual director, that is until this breakthrough introduction of Ron Coe’s Spiritual Thermometer ST-1000. After all not not everybody is given tongues of fire for a visual indication.

You really don’t want to find out at your last moment that your spiritual temperature was actually lukewarm and could induce vomiting in Jesus? Who really wants to be the equivalent of Ipecac Syrup when at the judgment seat? The ST-1000 unlike regular thermometers gives you and immediate warning indication when you are not running a spiritual temperature and are approaching or are at a serious spiritual health risk like lukewarmness. If the ST-1000 indicates that your truly are on fire then praise God and pray that he may keep you in this state. For others immediately institute a regime of prayer and fasting as recommended by 33 out of 33 spiritual doctors of the Church. Spiritual reading especially the Holy Bible should also help to increase your spiritual temperature. Frequently availing yourselves of the Sacraments of the Church is also highly recommended especially regular confession to reduce blockages due to sin.

No good Christian home should be without the ST-1000 to protect its members against Laodicean Syndrome or other spiritual sicknesses.

New from Christian Dio the latest in liturgical based scents. We have been making high quality perfumes for years and our new one is no exception. Introducing Eau Espirtu of Vatican II™ from our new line of dissi-scents.

This lush scent of Eau Espirtu of Vatican II™ will take you back in time to the sixties with a subtle harmony of felt banners, burning draft cards, indian incense (guaranteed not to have a liturgical connection), and a note of crisp citrus and almonds to remind you of fruits and nuts. These various aromas appear to be discordant and this is purposeful to fully reflect the spirit of Vatican II. Instead of using an aldehydic base we have developed a unique and patented process to ensure the perfect base. Our fragrance scientists involved in olfactory research have developed this new process called reverse-canaization. We first start with fine wine and after intense preparation convert it into luke-warm water!

Eau Espirtu of Vatican II™ demands nothing of you and you can wear it at anytime with no change of your current lifestyle. No directions are required since you are sure to rely only on the spirit and not any actual text. "It is the spirit that gives life, the text is of no avail"

If you suffer from perfume allergies don’t worry. Eau Espirtu of Vatican II™ is so watered-down that even those with the most sensitive noses will not be offended.

Look for the Scratch-n-Sniff example as a pullout in the latest issues of America, Commonweal, and the National Catholic Reporter.

*A parody along this line was suggested to me by reader Anthony Roberts.

The blogger at Concordia cum Veritas has some very funny Planned Parenthood Maternal Greeting Cards.

I have seen the following real vocation’s poster posted on several Catholic blogs.

I think it goes well with one I previously did.

Steve Kellmeyer previously wrote an excellent article in Envoy Magazine about all the Gnostic influences in the movie.

The beauty salon near Beijing Zoo gives its customers more than they bargain for: not just facials and manicures, but the Word of the Lord.

Its owner, Xun Jinzhen, sees beauty salons as a good place to transform souls as well as bodies.

"I introduced 40 people to the church last year," he said.

Mr Xun, and millions of other Chinese Christian converts like him, may well be living proof that God moves in a mysterious way.

During the Cultural Revolution, Chairman Mao’s China turned on itself, torturing and killing hundreds of thousands of people. But the seeds were sown for an unexpected upsurge in Christianity.

In a social revolution that has prompted a heavy-handed response from the Politburo, it is spreading through town and countryside and Chinese communities abroad.

Protestantism and Catholicism are among the approved faiths, the others being Budd-hism, Taoism and Islam.

Buddhism and Taoism claim most worshippers but the state-sanctioned churches count up to 35 million followers. More significant are the underground or "house" churches, which are said to have 80 or even 100 million members.

Visits to villages in backward rural provinces or to urban churches in Beijing, where even on weekdays the young and middle-aged gather to proclaim their faith, confirm the ease with which conversions can be won.

"City people have real problems, and mental pain, that they can’t resolve on their own," said Mr Xun. "So it’s easy for us to convert these people to Christianity. In the countryside, people are richer than before, but they still have problems with their health and in family relationships. Then it’s also very easy to bring them to Christianity." [Source]

Cool an interior beauty salon though they must be careful not to lapse into hairsy. They can teach hair dyeing to self and can dual use the hair washing basin for baptisms. Talking about Jesus being nailed on the cross while having your nails done might not quite fit though. But it also make sense that a beauty salon could be used to bring in converts. After all didn’t Jesus say something like "Put out into the deep and let down your hair nets for a catch."