Humor

The Ironic Catholic points to a new novel called Lamb, which is subtitled “The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal.”

Okay the subtitle is bad enough and it is hard to imagine a Jew named Biff in the first place. I just wondered how awful the book could be so I read the first page of it at Amazon.

It starts with Biff describing a 6 year old Jesus letting a lizard play in his mouth. I’m not kidding. Biff yells “Unclean, unclean”, but the mothers around him ignore him. Jesus’ “younger brother” manages to take the lizard and then smashes it with a rock. Jesus takes the dead lizard and places it into his mouth. The lizard is then resurrected and crawls back out of his mouth. His “younger brother” than kills it again.

Now we know the later story in Jesus life is based on Lizardus. Though it would be hard for child Jesus to say “Lizardous come forth” with the lizard in his mouth. As an adult I guess he had perfected his technique.

It seems this book has the flavor of the Gnostic books that also described a child Jesus making clay birds and bringing them to life.

Recently their has been a lot of talk about Microsoft’s new 300 million dollar ad campaign created in part to respond to Apple’s successful “I’m a Mac and I’m a PC” ad campaign and to try to do some damage control on the Vista brand.

Personally I thought the two Jerry Seinfeld/Bill Gates ads were quite strange, though fun. Like Seinfeld not only were they about nothing, they were also nothing about Vista. After paying Seinfeld 10 million dollars that ad campaign stopped at 2 commercials (which they now say they planned all along.)

The new Microsoft commercials have a John Hodgman look-a-like saying “I’m a PC and I have been made into a stereotype” followed by all kinds of people repeating “I’m a PC.” Now Microsoft playing the victim card and directly responding to Apple’s ad doesn’t seem like a good ad campaign to me. Especially since once again they don’t talk about Vista.

As for myself I am a Mac switcher since last October after having used Windows since 2.0 and while I really prefer iMac and OSX Leopard, I am not a Vista hater. It is not as bad as its reputation and initial driver problems are mostly gone. I make my living as a Windows developer, but ironically Iknow code using Visual Studio on my iMac via VMWare Fusion.

Anyway I want Microsoft to have a good ad campaign, something they have never really had. So I started thinking how effective political attack ads are. What if Microsoft went down that route instead. So without receiving a penny from Microsoft I decided to create a commercial for them with my first YouTube video.

I made my Microsoft ad using iMovie 08 on my Mac, but that’s okay since Microsoft’s “I’m a PC” Ads were also made on a Mac by their ad agency.

Bishop R. Walker Nickless in an excellent pastoral letter released yesterday Ecclesia Semper Reformanda (The Church is Always in Need of Renewal) at one point said.

Lastly, the Holy Father, going into greater detail later in the address, explains that the “spirit of Vatican II” must be found only in the letter of the documents themselves. The so-called “spirit” of the Council has no authoritative interpretation. It is a ghost or demon that must be exorcised if we are to proceed with the Lord’s work.

Well the Bishop might be interested in the text I wrote as part of a Parody three years ago.

Rite of Exorcism of the Spirit of Vatican II

The priest delegated by the Ordinary to perform this office should first go to confession or at least elicit an act of contrition, and, if convenient, offer the holy Sacrifice of the Mass, and implore God’s help in other fervent prayers. He vests in surplice and purple stole. Having before him the person possessed (who should be bound if there is any danger), he traces the sign of the cross over him, over himself, and the bystanders, and then sprinkles all of them with holy water. After this he kneels and says the Litany of the Saints, exclusive of the prayers which follow it. All present are to make the responses. Do not be surprised if during the Litany of the Saints if the subject becomes uncomfortable with so many pre-Vatican II names. The person might try ot interject other names like for example Gandhi.

It might also be necessary to gag the possessed person. The possessed will often appeal to dialoguing and will attempt to do it for countless hours and then days on end. This faux dialoguing in not an attempt to get to the truth, but to wear you down in sophist arguments. Appealing to Holy Scripture, Apostolic Tradition, and reason are fruitful avenues in most situation, but only the most patient exorcist should try to employ them in this situation since the possesed are normally immune to them.

The next step in the exorcism has been known to produce especially strong reactions from the possessed person. Even if the person is bound it is suggested that a minimum of two people be on hand to hold them down and to assist you. The exorcist after appealing to the Holy Spirit begins to read the actual texts of the documents of Vatican II. As mentioned above be prepared for a violent reaction especially while reading Sacrosanctum Concilium. If the possessed person is not gagged be prepared for obscene outbursts like "Your mother is a homophobe." Rainbow colored projectile vomiting has also been known to occur. While the text is read the bystanders chant "The power of the text compels you." Make sure that a medical team is on hand in case the possessed person goes into shock during the reading. They will no be spinning of their head or displaying supernatural phenomenon, but the logic they will use in defending the spirit of Vatican II might make your own head spin.

The following invocation is then chanted:

From all evil, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From the spirit which denies the text, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From modernist interpretations, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From inclusive language, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From the pride of independence, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From liturgical abuses, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From disobedience to the magisterium, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From an unformed conscience, Deliver us, 0 Lord.
From the spirit of the age, Deliver us, 0 Lord.

The exorcist than commands the spirit of Vatican II to come out

Therefore, I adjure you every modern spirit, every specter from academia, every dissident power, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, who was led into the desert after His baptism by John to vanquish you in your citadel, to cease your assaults against the creature whom He has, formed from the slime of the earth for His own honor and glory that you leave this soul. I command you moreover that you leave immediately so that this person can not only come to enjoy the actual documents of Vatican II, but that he (she) may appreciate and accept in obedience all of the Church’s councils and magisterial teachings of Holy Mother Church. That he (she) may see the Second Vatican Council as an organic growth and not a starting point of a new church.

Depart, then, impious one, depart, accursed one, depart with all your deceits, for God has willed that man should be His temple. Why do you still linger here? Give honor to God the Father almighty, before whom every knee must bow. Give place to the Lord Jesus Christ, who shed His most precious blood for man. Give place to the Holy Spirit, who by His blessed apostle Peter openly struck you down in the person of Simon Magus; who cursed your lies in Annas and Saphira; who smote you in King Herod because he had not given honor to God. Depart you mischievous spirit that denies sin and calls right wrong and wrong right. I order you depart deceitful spirit to leave and to never return.

All the above may be repeated as long as necessary, until the one possessed has been fully freed.

It will also help to say devoutly and often over the afflicted person the Our Father, Hail Mary, and the Creed, as well as any of the prayers given below.

The Canticle of our Lady, with the doxology; the Canticle of Zachary, with the doxology.

The exorcist then looks for signs that the evil spirit of modernity has truly departed. Have the subject read from the Catechism of the Catholic Church and VII documents and observe their demeanor. If they look comfortable doing this let the person read some scriptural texts. If they can do this without injecting inclusive language for references to God, then this is a further sign of healing. As a final test have the person as a test of obedience recite the Affirmation of Personal Faith. If they can read this without breaking a sweat, screaming in terror, or any sign of discomfort then this is a very good sign indeed. "The devil can imitate humility but he cannot imitate obedience." St. Faustina

American Papist posts on planned Reformation Day parties which of course coincide with the Day before All Saints Day.

Here is my idea for a party celebrating the Protestant Reformation. A Protestant can gather for example a hundred of his Protestant friends and by the end of the night they split into a hundred different churches that finally follow the model of the church as taught by scripture and their interpretation of it.

Ha! Via Fr. Humphries

I find the brothers at Catholic Minority Report to be quite annoying. I swear they take ideas right out of my head before I am aware of them and use them. I agree with them so often that I feel I must have been the one to write their posts. I would totally accept this hypothesis except for the fact that they are much better writers. Case in point.

Are you tired of having that same old dinosaur? Have you been worried for years about the deleterious effect that those old clunkers have had on the environment and art in our worship? Have you been thinking about upgrading but were just not sure if now was the right time? Well think no more!
Thanks to an exciting new Vatican Program you can trade in your tired, old, progressive Priest, Liturgist, or Music Director for a brand new – certified orthodox – model.
The Vatican has begun a a new program officially called “Faith and Tradition Recovery Act” but otherwise known as “Mass for Clunkers.” Under this program you can trade in your harmful old “Community Faith Director in the Catholic faith tradition” for a brand new Priest in the Order of Melchizedek! This exciting program also applies to progressive liturgists and music directors.
A brand new orthodox model comes with many benefits! First and foremost, a new model is guaranteed to save more souls! These antiquated and out of date models have wrecked our churches for too long! Save our environment and trade in your old progressive clunker now and as a bonus you will receive a 4500 days indulgence absolutely free!
So trade in you old clunker now! This is a limited time offer!

Now this would be really funny if it wasn’t for reality. Via Diogenes

I know what you are thinking. Surely this has been photoshopped and set forth as a jest. I agree it is quite shocking to see a Jesuit wearing a Roman collar – but I assure you it is true and it came from Jesuit Spiritual Center at Milford.

Now being a Catholic Jester surely I can see how the Gospel can be preached in a light-hearted manner and it is just possible that it is being taught in an orthodox way. Even with clowns perhaps, though I draw the line at mimes.

The priest here is Fr. Michael Sparough, SJ who I believe is a friend of Fr. Mitch Pacwa who he knew from his days involved in the New Age and teaching the enneagram. I believe he has also appeared on EWTN with Fr. Mitch Pacwa. The retreat center though does not seem to have a problem with New Age practices since they also have things like a “Yoga Slumber Party” where “You’ll be treated like a Goddess!” The instructor promotes a book where you can learn how to “radiate light to the planet earth!” and thank a Higher Power such as sacred Chi as “you breathe in loving energy and breath out love.”

Feel Mother Earth share her vibrations and wisdom with you.. Absorb her energy. Feel it surround and pour through you.

All why listening to “New Age” and “Space” music. Trippy man! Yes solidly orthodox. Plus they have a chapel that makes furniture from Ikea look extravagant and of course the mandatory labyrinth.

Okay enough Jesuit bashing. To cleans your palate I would advise you to check out a new group blog from several young Jesuits called Whosoever Desires.

Via John C. Wright

I am glad the current administration are science fiction fans: apparently they liked Nineteen Eighty-Four, Brave New World, Soylent Green, Atlas Shrugged, and Logan’s Run, and decided to implement similar policies.

LES COMBES, Italy (CNS) — Pope Benedict XVI said the Vatican and Italian police who watched over him while he was on vacation in the Italian Alps were like “guardian angels, discreet and efficient.”

But he was not quite so sure what his own guardian angel was up to.

“Unfortunately, my guardian angel — certainly following orders from above — did not prevent my accident,” he said, referring to the fact that he tripped in the dark July 17 and broke his wrist.

The Pope here had the perfect opportunity to invoke St. Teresa of Avila’s famous line said to God “If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few of them”

Though I guess you could say the Pope’s Guardian Angel was falling down on the job. But maybe the Pope’s accident is a sermon on Genesis. It both illustrates Genesis 1:3 and the fall.

Still referring to his broken right wrist, the right-handed pope told them, “Perhaps the Lord wanted to teach me greater patience and humility, and give me more time for prayer and meditation.”
The pope said he had spent the past 16 days immersed in a “heavenly peace,” with the silence interrupted only by the songs of birds, rain falling on the grass and the wind blowing through the trees.
He told the dozens of security officers, “Angels are invisible, but efficient at the same time. And you were the same — invisible, but efficient.”
“I enjoyed a heavenly peace here. No disturbance could enter. But many good things — both material and immaterial — got in. Many cakes, cheeses, wines,” he said. [reference]

Santa Rosa, Calif., Jul 17, 2009 / 06:49 am (CNA).- Comparing the Sacrament of Penance to “an oil change for the soul” and weeding one’s garden, Bishop of Santa Rosa, California Daniel Walsh has urged Catholics to return to regular confession of their sins.

Writing in the Summer 2009 of the diocesan newsletter The North Coast Catholic, Bishop Walsh noted that car engines which don’t receive oil changes build up minor impurities and eventually result in “major and costly problems.”

Likewise in other common tasks, failing to clean hard-to-reach parts of a house will result in areas “filthy with dust.” Failing to weed a garden allows weeds to “take over” and crowd out the garden.

“The sacrament of penance is like an oil change for the soul,” the bishop said. “It’s like moving the furniture of our souls and getting to the places that escape everyday cleaning. It is like periodically checking the garden of our souls for weeds that hamper our discipleship.”

He cited Pope Benedict XVI’s exhortation for Catholics to rediscover the “liberating power” of the Sacrament of Penance in which an honest confession is met by “God’s merciful words of pardon and peace.”

“Since the Second Vatican Council and the cultural revolution of the 1960’s, the Sacrament of Penance has experienced a decline,” Bishop Walsh pointed out. “We can list many reasons but I don’t think one of them is that we have stopped sinning! I think in our permissive society we have lost the sense of sin.”

He encouraged all his readers, clergy and lay, to return to the sacrament.

“I know there are many people who for many reasons haven’t been to confession for a long time and may not remember how to go, or may not feel comfortable going. Whatever the reason, I invite all to come back home, come back to the Lord.”

In confession, Bishop Walsh said, Jesus asks us what he can do for us. After unburdening our hearts, the bishop said, we will hear Him say “Go in peace, your faith has made you well.”

Confession compared to oil change? I wonder if the good bishop has been reading my blog. Here is an entry from 4 years ago.

Perhaps I am a bit off on this, but I have made an informal study of the surrounding parishes in our area. It seems that most confession times are on Saturday afternoon and "By Appointment." So If am to serve Mass on Saturday morning where the heck is one supposed to go to get a confession on Friday Night? Since I take Paul’s admonishment that to partake of the Body and Blood unworthily is to eat and drink damnation, what do I do? Easy. I ask for confession and get a bit miffed when the Priest asks me if I know about the regularly scheduled times for confession.

So… The chicken and egg question today: Is the lack of use of the Sacrament of Penance or Reconciliation due to the fact that times are not available or is it due to the lack of instruction on the need for this sacrament?

Build it and they will come? If you increase confession times will people flock to confess?

I think the "build it they will come" idea is correct. At my parish they have confession before each Mass which is twice daily and four times on Sunday. There is always somebody in line and our pastor will hold off Mass as long as possible to try to see everyone in line. I have occasionally been to other parishes during the short time frame confession is available on Saturday evening and rarely have seen more than just a few people in line. This is of course only antidotal information, but what I describe seems prevalent by what I have read.

Being a convert I have sometimes wondered how this wonderful sacrament got so deemphasized? It seems doubtful that parishes just all of a sudden switched from having confession generally available to the model we have now. It would seem more likely that people had already started to less frequently go to confession and because of this trend that parishes started to diminish the amount of time confession was available. That the demand for confession was reduced over time because sins themselves had become deemphasized. Cut out sins and you cut out the need for confession. Original sin becomes original complex in this highly therapeutic culture. People will get in line to broadcast their most intimate details on Oprah or Dr. Phil, but will run screaming at the thought of a confessional and confessing their sins to a priest. We have analyzed that having guilt is an underlying cause itself that must be eliminated and ignore the fact that it is a symptom normally of sinful activity.

Regardless of how we got to this point the question is how we can reverse it. There has to be both an effort to make it generally available and for Catholics to understand that they need it. I am convinced that a new springtime for the Church will not blossom until such time as Catholic generally return to confession. Unfortunately confession is just seen mostly as "just so pre-Vatican II" and many priests discouraged the use of regular confession in the case of venial sins. Most of us will readily admit to being sinners in some generic capacity, but it seems another story to admit to individual sins.

We are currently in the year of the Eucharist as proclaimed by our late Holy Father. I think we need a year of mercy to concentrate on the sacrament of confession. People definitely need to be catechized to see the link between confession and the Eucharist. To properly prepare ourselves for worthy reception. I would love to see an encyclical letter written on the subject to emphasize once again this wonderful sacrament of mercy. I also realize though that even when the Vatican has lead on important subjects that unfortunately they are largely ignored or not really implemented a the diocesan and parish level. But even a small amount of people regularly returning to confession will have a large impact on their lives and consequently the life of the Church.

The question though is what is the best method to get American to frequent the confessional? In this fast food culture maybe we could appeal to a fast food idea like drive thru confession. I propose a new company called Jiffy Shriven after the Old English term to go to confession.

Here would be my logo.

And a sample drive thru.

And to easily remind people when to return to confession, the following sticker could be placed on the driver side windshield.

While your there they could also check your holy water font or holy water bottle level to see if more fluids need to be added. Though you won’t have to worry about them trying to hawk other sacrament while there. You won’t hear "I noticed you are not looking so well. We can give you final unction as part of a package deal."