If Rodney Dangerfield had been Catholic

It’s not easy being me let me tell you. I went to a silent retreat. Turns out it was a regular retreat, just nobody wanted to talk to me. I can’t get no respect.

When I was a child I was possessed by a Demon. When my bed lifted up in the air my mother told the Demon to hold it up there while she got the dust mop. I didn’t even spew pea soup, more like Cambell’s Chicken Noodle. Turned out I was possessed by a very minor Demon who couldn’t even get his Latin declensions right and ran at the sight of Holy Water. No respect I tell you.

When I received Confirmation the Bishop slapped me. I asked him “I thought we didn’t do that anymore?” He told me in my case he made an exception.

My parents used to read me stories from the Desert Fathers every night. I thought this was great until I got a one way ticket to the Sahara on my birthday. I tell you it’s hard being me.

When I received the Precious Blood via the chalice they didn’t wipe it off afterward, they retired it. I just can’t get no respect.

I once went to a retreat house of a progressive order of nuns. They sent me to a prayer labyrinth. Took me 5 days to get out of there. No respect. Later they gave me directions to protest the missiles at the local military base, turns out it was during a live firing.

I went to confession and told the priest my typical laundry list of sins. He said “I have just heard the confession of a child – Damien from the Omen.” No respect and he have me 1500 Hail Marys to boot.

I finally got a spiritual director. He told me that I must follow his direction exactly and not question his advice. He asked me if I could do that. I said yes and he said “Good, then leave and never come back.” I tell you it is really hard being me.

I thought I might have a vocation to the priesthood. I met with 30 different vocations director and they all said I had a vocation to be a hermit. No respect, though one of them was nice enough to give me directions to a local cave.

After that I considered that I wanted to be a Cistercian monk and follow in the footsteps of Thomas Merton. The Cistercian novice master sent me to a hotel room in Thailand and told me to plug in the fan. I offer it up I tell you, but it ain’t easy being me.

So maybe I was called to the married life. I signed up with an online Catholic dating service. I filled out the profile honestly. The next day I got an email on details on becoming a consecrated virgin. Well Jesus got no respect either, so who am I to complain?

I went on pilgrimage to Lourdes. After waiting in line all day they told me to come back when the lines died down. Well Mary told St. Bernadette she wouldn’t be happy in this life, I just hope I can get some respect in the next one.

I have a devotion to St. Therese the Little Flower. I was praying to her to intercede for me and I asked for a sign. Sure enough next day somebody gave me some Rose stems.

You think you have it hard? Well try to be me. I went to a Protestant Bible study. They told me to come back later. I asked when, they said when they get to Maccabees. No respect even from my separated brethren.

It ain’t easy being me and I thank God for the Psalms so that I can commiserate with that King David guy. Jonah had plenty of off days also. Now can someone point me to a parish where they don’t make me sit in the cry room?