If Jonah had a blog

Hi
my name is Jonah the son of Amittai. Last night the word of the Lord came
to me. This was not quite what I expected. I got this mission and so I
guess that now makes me a prophet. I am suppose to go to Nineveh to preach
them to repentance.

I have some problems with this, for one I didn’t get any travel expenses
so I guess this is a Not for Prophet mission. The other is well that not
only does this deal with the Assyrians, but with Ninevites in particular.
Long have we suffered under their rule. The cruel treatment that they have
rained down on the Israelites is beyond forgiveness. Now I am a faithful
Hebrew who fears the Lord, but I must have misheard the word that came
to me, the Lord would not really have mercy of those who have tormented
his promised people.

Now
being a prophet I know that I am going to end up turning in a scroll
at the end of my adventures and activities so I thought I should start
this weblog to keep track of what goes on so making that scroll won’t
be to difficult. It’s kind of cool to be a Biblical Prophet, your guaranteed to get published and you also get a scroll with your name prominently
on it at the top.

Posted by Jonah, evening in Sîwan [Link]
[Comment]

Posted by Jonah, morning in Sîwan [Link]
[Comment]

Joppa

I just got
to Joppa and I am really tired. Have you ever noticed that when you
read
the sacred scrolls and they are talking about the prophets moving about
that one minute they are in one location and the next line in another?
Well going from Jerusalem to Joppa is no leisurely stroll. I have a
theory that since Moses wrote the Book of Numbers and all the complaints
about it dragging with all the list of names and such that the Holy
Spirit has been much more strict in the capacity as an editor.

I have been
working to get some money to book passage to Tarshish but the money
lenders have not been very cooperative. They ask you what’s your
current profession and you reply prophet, they give you an odd look
and then
ask you if you have a job that pays. Even as I talked to people
on the road to Joppa, they would ask me what I do for a living and
I
would then tell them they would then avoid me and look at them like
I was
about to tell them to repent or something. There is
an old saying that a prophet
is
not
appreciated
in his own town,
I am
here
to tell
you
that he is not much appreciated out
of town either and can’t even get a line of credit.

Posted by Jonah, Evening in Sîwan [Link]
[Comment]

At Sea

I have managed
to scrape up the money for passage and I am now on a ship bound for
passage. Captain Stubing of the Jewish Princess Cruise Lines seems
like a nice enough guy. I am not much interested in playing shuffleboard
and
I
also want
to
avoid
all
the
widows looking for new husbands. Normally us prophets our celibate,
you never hear about a Mrs. Isaiah or a Mrs. Habakkuk. Of course the
Lord appointing the harlot Gomer to be the wife of Hosea, but that
was mainly done as a symbol to reflect Israel’s unfaithfulness to him.
So
I think I would rather be celibate then for the Lord to appoint a
wife for me , especially since he is so big into symbolism. You just
never know what he will symbolize next. There were a group of prophets
that wanted me to sign a letter to get rid
of the
discipline of celibacy but I declined. So
I think I will find a nice inner part of the ship to sleep in.

Posted by
Jonah, Midday in Sîwan [Link]
[Comment]

Storming

I was deeply
asleep and the captain came and woke me up shouting "What do you mean,
you sleeper? Arise, call upon your god! Perhaps the god will give a thought
to us, that we do not perish." I got up and looked outside and saw
the mighty tempest threatening to break up the ship.

The crew started crying to the Lord "We beseech thee, O LORD, let us
not perish for this man’s life, and lay not on us innocent blood; for
thou,
O LORD, hast done as it pleased thee."

I see the
crew coming towards me, time to log off.

All’s Whale
that ends Whale

These plankton being so small it is hard to see if they have fins and
gills since any other type of plankton would be unclean. So I have to
be really careful in opening my mouth and preventing any unclean animals
from entering.

Posted
by Jonah, Midday in Sîwan [Link]
[Comment]

Day 2

Not much going
on today. It is boring with no one to talk to, you would think that a
whale would have something to say with them always spouting off. I am
still pretty mad about this situation I find myself in. But it’s better
than
going
to
Nineveh.

Posted by
Jonah, Midday in Sîwan [Link]
[Comment]

Day 3

I was thinking
about what I posted yesterday and realized that maybe it was just a little
bit my fault that I ended up here. Maybe I should have followed the Lord’s
directions and gone to Nineveh. I have written this prayer and so here
goes.

Then
Jonah prayed to the LORD his God from the belly of the fish, saying, "I
called to the LORD, out of my distress, and he answered me; out of the
belly of Sheol I cried, and thou didst hear my voice. For thou didst
cast me into the deep, into the heart of the seas,
and the flood was round about me; all thy waves and thy billows passed
over
me.
Then I said, `I am cast out from thy presence; how shall I again look
upon thy holy temple?’ The waters closed in over me, the deep was round
about me; weeds were wrapped about my head at the roots of the mountains.
I went down to the land whose bars closed upon me for ever; yet thou
didst bring up my life from the Pit,
O LORD
my God. When my soul fainted within me, I remembered the LORD; and my
prayer came to thee, into thy holy temple. Those who pay regard to vain
idols forsake their true loyalty. But I with the voice of thanksgiving
will sacrifice to thee; what I have vowed I will pay. Deliverance belongs
to the LORD!"

Something
is happening, the whale seems to be having a real bad case of upset stomach
and there appears to be a large wall of stuff coming towards me.

Posted by
Jonah, Evening in Sîwan [Link]
[Comment]

Assyria

Being vomited
up by a whale is nothing to write home about but at least now I find
myself on the shore of Assyria. Now that I am out of the whale I am having
second thoughts about going to Nineveh. Being a prophet isn’t what it’s
cracked up to be, here I am going to Nineveh and I don’t even get to
smite anyone. My role-prophet is Elijah, now that’s a prophet’s prophet.
First Elijah taunted the priests of Baal when they were unable to light
their
sacrifice and then in a real display of showmanship he poured water on
his and then asked the Lord to light it. Now an amateur prophet might
have gone strait to calling the Lord to light the fire and miss out on
all the buildup and suspense. Then Elijah got to smite all the priests
of Baal and then at the end of his life he also got that cool ride in
a flaming chariot with fine Corinthian leather.

Nineveh

My throat
is certainly sore. I have been walking around town all day shouting "Yet
forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown!" I haven’t seen much
reaction so far by the Ninevites so maybe they will ignore me and the
Lord’s message and the Lord will smite them after all. Things are looking
up.

Update: Yea
there putting on sackcloth and repenting just like I knew they would. I
am pretty down, I wrote the following bit that I think I will put into
my official scroll.

Posted by Jonah, Evening in Sîwan [Link]
[Comment]

Outside of Nineveh

Posted by Jonah, Midday in Sîwan [Link]
[Comment]

Still
outside of Nineveh

I told you God was a practical joker. Just as I got use to
the shade from that plant now it is gone and God
has appointed a sultry east wind and the sun beats down upon my head
and I am feeling faint.

I shouted
out It is better for me to die than to live. But God replied "Do
you do well to be angry for the plant?"

And I told
him "I do well to be angry,
angry enough to die."

I just keep saying dumb things.

The LORD said, "You
pity the plant, for which you did not labor, nor did you make it grow,
which came into being in a night, and
perished in a night. And should not I pity Nineveh, that great city,
in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand persons who
do not know their right
hand from their left, and also much cattle?"

I think I will shut up and be quiet. The Lord made some good points that
I need to reflect upon. I knew that Ninevites were messed up, I didn’t
realize they had a left hand/right hand learning disability.

Posted
by Jonah, Midday in Sîwan [Link]
[Comment]

Abode
of the Dead

It’s been
a long time since I updated my blog. When I died I went down to Sheol
the abode of the dead. All the prophets and me got together and where
watching what unfolds as Jesus is preaching the good news. We are pretty
sure he is going to come down to retrieve us soon. I can hardly wait.

I should have known it. I told you God was into symbolism and now I find
out that I spent three days in a stinking whale with an upset stomach
so that he could have a sign to refer to. Oh well Sign of Jonah does
sound neat.

What are you
laughing about Jeremiah? At least the Lord didn’t make me bury my waistcloth
for a couple of days as a symbol. And I don’t know what you find so funny
Zephaniah, at least people still name their sons after me.

Posted
by Jonah at eternity [Link]
[Comment]