Parody

It would be better for him if a millstone were hung round his neck and he were cast into the sea, than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin. –Luke 17:2

Thinking about the above passage and comparing that to the amount of error being taught by people in the Church to the faithful, it makes me wonder if the first thing St. Peter does at the pearly gates is to measure some people’s heads for a millstone. I use to think it was a false humility when some priests tried to avoid the Bishop’s hat because of the massive responsibility involved. I no longer believe that to be true and I have empathy for those who are in charge of so many souls. It must be a strain for faithful priests in charge of a parish. It is hard to imagine the overwhelming responsibility of those faithful Bishops.

On the other hand I have no sympathy for those lay and clerical that teach things other than what is part of the Catholic faith or teach what is directly in opposition to it. Retreat centers that have retreated from the faith and Catholic schools where dogma is a dirty word. In many cases you could find the Catholic Catechism in more Protestant book stores than in the offices of Directors of Religious Education.

I was thinking that maybe we could use some items of apparel that could help to remind us of our responsibilities. For who much is given, much is expected. So the passage at the top gave me the idea of offering a new line of religious apparel with a little more substance than a WWJD bracelet.

First in my new line is a Ceremonial Millstone for Bishops. A less ornate millstone can be worn for other occasions.

The weight of a millstone should be a constant reminder to the episcopacy of their heavy responsibility for the care of souls.

Now I don’t put all the emphasis on just the ministerial priesthood. I am a husband and father and have serious responsibilities in my domestic church. Thus I will also have a line of millstones for lay men.

Here is one for a New York Yankees fan. Myself I don’t follow baseball and I would make a millstone for the football team that I follow, yet I figure that a Buffalo Bills millstone is just plain overkill. Just being a fan of them is penance enough.

For the lay women I also include a line of millstones with matching accessories. After all you can’t wear a millstone with just any old thing.

Another verse that causes me concern as a husband is:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. –Ephesians 5:25

So I have also come with another product for husbands worried about such a hefty responsibility.

The Old Oligarch has an excellent post on the theological meaning of “The Washing of the Feet”

I would like to issue a public apology to Senator John F. Kerry. In the past I have questioned statements that he has made implying that he is either a liar of at least a flip-flopper. I could not see a way to reconcile the statements he has made to the truth. A reader named Alex has embarrassed me by putting together the clues that were so evident if only I had connected the dots.

Jeff! I think I’ve figured it out! Kerry is a Catholic from Bizzaro World! Observe the evidence: According to an online Superman encyclopedia, Bizzaro is a hideous copy of Superman with an ill-proportioned, angular, pasty-white face. He is well-intentioned but witless, powerful yet pathetic. His speech is incoherent. “Me don’t know difference between right and wrong – good and evil!” Bizzaro declares in one issue of the famous comic book.

This fits to a T. Alex also mentioned that Bizzaro world must have a church that would also be the opposite of the church here. Doing some research I found a holy card inadvertently left behind by John Kerry on the Campaign trail. Nobody could make heads our tales of it before since it looked like some kind of joke, yet now it has become a significant find.

When John Kerry had said “My oath privately between me and God was defined in the Catholic Church by Pius XXIII and Pope Paul VI in the [sic] Vatican II, which allows for freedom of conscience for Catholics with respect to these choices” everybody jumped on this statement since it was inconsistent with the number of Pope Pius’ on this world and that no such oath appeared in Vatican II documents on this world.

John Kerry is not a liar he just spends a lot of time traveling between our world and Bizzaro world that he has a hard time keeping it all strait. I am sure space ship lag must have some effect probably worse than jet lag. The Vatican council on his home world is an interesting study in contrasts. It actually declared some of the things that liberals on this world thought were in our Vatican II documents. There must be some kind of slippage in the time-space continuum between the two worlds which explains why some people believe there are things in the documents that just are not there. On Bizzaro world Rad Trads fight to have the Mass said in the vernacular again and say that the new Latin Mass is invalid and liberals complain about the advent of female priests.

Take the following statement “I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it.” This sounded like total contradictory nonsense. But using the Rosetta stone of Bizzaro world we can determine that there he did vote for the money and then returned to earth and voted against it.

People have also remarked about John Kerry’s appearance especially his elongated face that has been compared to Lurch from the Adam’s Family. He obviously must have to wear a mask to cover his angular and pasty face features. The mask just has to be a little bit bigger than a normal human face.

In Bizzaro world raising taxes actually increases employment and a weak defense discourages countries from invading you. There government programs actually work and establishing a Department of Education actually caused children to become more educated. Additionally at Bizzaro world adults go snowboarding and teenagers play shuffleboard. So can we truly blame Mr. Kerry for forgetting that the opposite is true in this world. I applaud him for the job he is doing considering the difficulty in commuting between worlds.

With all the publicity the authors of the Left Behind series have been getting lately, I thought I would repost this.

Gangsta Rap

We preach the theology of John Darby
A lawyer from the late nineteenth century

Dogmatically defined in the Scofield Bible
Footnotes trumped text in the Gospel

Isolating the text from Thessalonian four
Mark 13, Matthews 24, & 2 They just ignore

The Pope be the ho of Babylon
Some punk bust a cap in him at the Vatican

Making up a title is from our bag of trixs
So we can assign to him six six six

Catholic bashing throughout all our books
Just don’t give our theology a closer look

Da prose is bad and not well done
Compares to the acting of Kirk Cameron

In fact the style of Jerry Jenkins
To be blunt is absolutely stinkin

Pre mill, post mill, we made a mill
Mo money just flowin outta the till

Sending your hearts into fibrillation
Preaching the false tribulation

Update: Smockmomma adds her own gangstat rap lyrics:

yo’ fool, you testants just be illin’
cuz you see da catlix always chillin.
in yo quest fo wisdom lost da Truth
so yuz be blamin our JP2.

repent, repent, repent and quit yo dissin
cuz the papists are flowin on da mission
to get fools away from funky demons
always sellin crap an always schemin
to seperate a fool from his bread.

Michelle of And Then? posted about Martin Sheen’s parish Our Lady of Malibu. She wondered what image I might come up with.

Thou liftest me up on the wind, thou makest me ride on it,
and thou tossest me about in the roar of the storm. Job 30:22

Richard Clarke hot off the success of his new book, 60
Minutes interview, and testimony to the 9/11 commission has come out with
an even newer book. Clarke has the amazing ability to know what people are
really thinking by their facial expressions.
He knew what the Presidents opinions were on possible Iraq involvement because
he describes "It was a serious look." When talking to Condoleezza Rice he wrote
in his book "As I briefed Rice
on al-Qa’eda, her facial expression gave me the impression that she had never
heard of the term before …"

Since the first book has come out many people have asked
him "Can I also learn how to read facial expressions of those I work for?" Realizing
that not
all people were able to do this he has decided to enlighten all
of
us through his new how-to book "Facial The Nation: Detecting Truth Through
Facial Expressions."

Here are some excerpted examples from the new book.

By the concentration and tilt of his face you can tell that he is thinking about bombing Iraq for his Daddy.	The sharp expression and rounded mouth proves that he was not thinking about combating terrorism in the months before 9/11.	This expression is a dead-giveaway of "Heck with bin Laden, I am after Saddam"
The serious expression hides a total lack of knowledge. Looking closely you can see she is thinking about playing the piano with no concerns about terrorist threats.	This is the classic "How can I avoid testifying to keep them from finding that I screwed up?	"I hear nothing, I wil not listen to my more knowledgeable advisors but will demote them instead"
The expression along with the closed fist shows he is thinking. "I’ll whack any reporter who asks me another stupid question.	"We are coming after you Saddam. I have a score to settle from the last time around" The clenched lips proves that getting bin Laden was not a priority.	Vice President Cheney expression is very easy to decipher. "Halliburton, Halliburton, Halliburton, Halliburton, Halliburton, Halliburton, Halliburton "

Using Clarke’s proven techniques we can deduce the following:

This one is easy but it can’t be repeated without the FCC fining me.	The slid down glasses and the dowdy chin proves Clarke is thinking: "15 minutes of fame. Ha. I am going to milk every last second and penny I can."

Once there lived a lovelorn prince whose mother decreed that he must marry by the end of the summer. So began the search to find the prince’s perfect match and lo and behold……his name was Lee. You are cordially invited to join the merriest, most unexpected wedding of the year. KING & KING is a contemporary tale about finding true love and living happily ever after, sure to woo readers of any age. A great gift. King & King has reached as high as No. 38 on Amazon.com’s list of best sellers. We at Slippery Slope Publishing are at the cusp of societal evolution, especially when it looks profitable. With the increase interest in alternative lifestyle children’s books aimed at the elementary and kindergarten, we have been working overtime to give you the next big things in children’s literature. After all it is only a matter of time. Slippery Slope Publishing proudly presents the "Redefining Marriage" series.
	Snow White and the Seven Room Mates Meet Lusty, Fetish, Kinky and the rest of the gang. Snow White who has a thing for little people engages them in there every wish as she shacks up with these seven very lovable guys. Children will learn the value of trying out multiple life partners before marriage. Tolerance of personal preferences in a loving and sincere relationship are also highlighted.
	Marry the Little Lamb Three enjoyable stories of people in wonderful committed relationships with barnyard animals. Here is a sample: Marry the Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb Marry the Little Lamb and giver her a ring of gold. And every where the Married went, Married went, Married went. Every where the Married went, people learned not to stare. After reading our version of Goldilocks and the three bears, the old version will never be the same. Children will learn to put behind the stereotype that marriage is only between a man and a women.
	Welfare Mother Goose Welfare Mother Goose contains wonderful stories of how to live off the government when you didn’t really need to. Welfare Mother Goose introduces her children to a series of men in her life. The variety of significant others adds a varied and multi-partner education to her children. The kids play memorization games learning the names of the fathers of their siblings. Children will learn that the purpose of government is to provide their every need.
	Polygamy for You and Me! This goes way beyond the classic Heather has Two Mommies. Heather now has multiple mommies and one daddy! You will laugh at the funny stories and anecdotes like Heather telling her father "But mommies said" Children will learn the value of nurturing relationships with multiple people in parental roles. This books has become a best seller in Utah.
Slippery Slope Publishing is here to provide your every need in quality children’s literature. We have learned that the earlier we can introduce brave new ideas to children, the easier it becomes for them to accept those ideas, even if it conflicts with misinformed parental thought. It is never too early to teach children the evils of right wing conservativism so we introduce the new "Bush Sucks" literature series.
	Donald Rumsfeldstiltskin An evil little man makes claims like he can turn straw into gold or even more unbelievable, to turn Iraq into a democracy. In this scary story a women learns the dangers in trusting in a conservative when she finds out that in exchange for a tax cut for the rich she has to turn over her first wanted child. Not recommended for those in Kindergarten or others prone to nightmares.
	Tales from the Bush Years Investigative reporting for children uncovers the real reason why Mother Hubbard had nothing in her cupboard. Children will learn the reasons why low cost housing is not available and some people are forced to live in a shoe! The tax cuts for the rich and military spending provides the root of Bush’s jobless economy and it’s ill effects on characters in fairy tales. Because of the economic statistics used, this book is recommended only for Kinderg�rtners or other children who have not learned to add yet.

Blogger credit to David Morrision of Sed Contra for information on King & King.

Here is a previous post I did on Books for Kids

On my Progressive parody blog – Sister Mary Biko, PhD in two posts comments on an article about a welcoming parish and the blog of a somewhat progressive sister that Commonweal seems to have missed.

The article, blog, and review referenced in my parody are real and not in themselves parodies.

Washington D.C. (Roto Reuters) Belleville Bishop Wilton D. Gregory, president of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, issued the following statement today:

Because of the crisis in vocations across the United States and the severe lack of personnel needed to provide the sacraments of the Church we have come up with a bold new plan. Following the business model of successful companies in the Unites States we have decided to outsource for our religious personnel.

Historically we have done something similar in the past which is why there are so many priest currently serving from Ireland. Unfortunately outsourcing from European countries that we have relied on before is no longer possible.

We have decided to go to India and outsource for Hindus to become Catholic priests and religious. They are already use to the use of statues in churches so their crossover training should not be too difficult. Some would argue that there is no way that Hindus can perform the services needed in the Catholic Church. But I assure you that these men believe as much in the teachings of the Catholic Church as many of those men we brought in from domestic sources in the 70s and 80s.

In a post I had done on the Commonweal article on St. Blogs a couple of commenters gave me some suggestions.

Gen X Revert said:

“Perhaps you could oblige Ms. Linner by creating a “blog” by a modern nun. “

Kathy Shaidle of Relapsed Catholic commented:

I love it! Do a parody site by Sister Mary Biko, and send an url to the author of this article, acting like you found it on the web and wanted her to see that leftist nuns blog too! Imagine how easy it would be to write. Just use words like doctorate and paradigm and sabbatical and teaching moment over and over.

I thought this idea had some potential. So I have created a parody blog by a progressive nun called Thoroughly Modern Mary. Scroll down to the bottom to start reading from the first post.