Regal is giving theatergoers free popcorn and a gadget that lets them bust annoying cellphone users in the theater.
Regal is testing devices at 25 of its theater locations, handing them out to frequent customers and may roll it out nationwide in the next year if it proves successful, Campbell said. Regal operates 6,400 screens nationwide.
About the size of a pager, the gadget has four buttons. One alerts theater managers about a disruption in the audience, such as a fight over a cellphone.
A second button gives notice of faulty movie projection, a third button can be pressed if the room temperature is off and a fourth button, marked “Other” covers any other problem.
The device is part of Regal’s efforts to keep fans coming back to the box office by making sure they still enjoy the experience, even as the movie industry faces greater competition from other media such as the Internet or video games.
The blogger at Threshing Grain thought that I could adapt this story.
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The Mass Communicator is the latest in OLED technology with pictures on each of the six selectable buttons to guide you in reporting what you have witnessed at Mass. Simply select one of the buttons such as Liturgical Dancers, Stole Fashion Alert, GIRM, Guitar Mass, Homilies that have nothing to do with the readings, etc and follow the list of options till you find the one to report. Once all infractions have been entered simply select Send and the information is sent to us over the cellular network. We maintain a massive internet databases containing parishes and we track all the information reported by our subscribers. The Mass Communicator is not just for gripes though. You can report positive things also. Have you heard a homily that actually talks about the sin of contraception? If so click on the Homily picture and scroll down about 30 pages and select “Sin of contraception.” Common options are placed near the top and least used options are placed towards the bottom of optimal efficiency. Does you church actually have a tabernacle that you can easily find without requiring a hunting party? If so file a positive report. Each month our website gives reports of each parish with members that have the Mass Communicator. If several reports of the same type of problems are reported from a specific parish one of our representatives is sent to talk to the parish priest, liturgist, or music director. If this does not solicit results we will send one or two others (in the case of liturgists backup is always required and a special team dedicated to fasting and prayer). If again problems persist a respectful letter is automatically sent to the diocesan Bishop for you with specific references to liturgical documents. Our company follows Matthew 18 guidelines for you. If the parish receives a majority of positive reports then a thank you letter is sent to the parish. The Mass Communicator is a multimedia device with the latest in advanced technology to help you accurately provide reports and to help us determine how valid a positive/negative report is. For example do you think the choir is singing Kumbaya style dreck? If so select the Music button and select record. The device will then capture the sound via the onboard microphone in the internal flash memory card. When you send the report a special algorithm will evaluate the sound clip and rate it from one to ten on the Haugen-Haas-Joncas scale of musical sappiness. If you see a vestment that you don’t think you can describe or that nobody will believe you if you did – activate the built-in 2 megapixel camera to send a photo along with your report. Each month you can log into our website and see how your parish compares. Whether you think you are in a parish with liturgical riches or liturgical wackiness you can see where you sit on the EWTN Televised Mass-St. Joan’s Gymnasium Mass Scale. You might find yourself relatively lucky after all. So instead of letting your blood pressure to rise each month with unresolved rants – report it with The Mass Communicator. Subscribe to our service for only $9.99 a month and with a one year contract we will send you The Mass Communicator free! Each month our graphics and menu items are updated to reflect the latest trends in liturgical experimentation and are used to update the firmware of your device for ease of use. If you live in diocese such as Los Angeles or Orange let us know and we will send you are 24 button device because you will need it. Act now and we will also send you a free gift of your choice such as knee pads for kneeler-less parishes. |
Ron Coe Church Products introduces the latest in Church tech – The Mass Communicator. Have you ever seen or heard something during the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass that does not quite fit? Noticed a liturgical abuse that upsets you. Have you ever talk to your priest about it only to get called a pharisee for being such a stickler to liturgical norms? Are you positive that letters to your bishop are used to keep the diocesan shredder in prime condition? Have you ever griped to your spouse on the way home or blogged the latest liturgical abuse you encountered? If so The Mass Communicator is the device just for you.
15 comments
“If you see a vestment that you don’t think you can describe or that nobody will believe you if you did…”
Oh boy! That’ll teach me to read The Curt Jester at the same time that I’m drinking Diet Coke!
Thanks for the laugh.
This is amazing! Hopefully this will severely cut out rude movie-goers in the future. Technology rocks.
Oh man if ONLY there was such technology for mass.
This is so well written, be prepared for new blog visitors to actually send you the money and request the service!
Jeff, this is FANTASTIC! I can’t tell you how much I enjoy your satirization of liturgical abuse. This is one of the best yet.
Even with all your wonderful options on the Mass Communicator, corrections might be slow in coming.
So it would be great if there were an option entitled “At least we’re not as bad as ________” to get a report on all the parishes that rank worse than mine on the ratings scales.
It might make subscribers feel a bit better.
Good one Mr. Jeff!
I do wonder if they have a Pocket-Version that is just as powerful? Also, do Liturgical stun Rays (used for stunning Liturgical Dancers so they couldn’t dance) and Mute Remote (used for muting any Bad Liturgical Music) come free with every subscription?
Cause if it does, I’m gonna subscribe to this one.
“Liturgical Stunrays”???
LOL!
Sign me up – perhaps they could be equipped with a sensor that can tell when a person is THINKING about breaking into either liturgical dance or just as bad – that boogybopbop stuff the folk choirs all want to get down with. When the sensor is made aware of this, out come the stunrays. It would be good if while they are on the floor gasping and writhing that they writh to the music….
I don’t think I can read the Curt Jester anymore. Lately it just seems to be filled with acid-tongued writers who, rather than “waiting in joyful hope”, seemed to be deeply buried in protracted and paranoid anxiety.
I’ve had enough of the self-righteous snickering.
I’m pretty sure it says somewhere in the Gospel that if you have a problem with someone you should go speak to them – not give into liturgical abuse rages. Besides a lot of the things you describe as abuse of the liturgy are not abuse at all. Much is simply a matter of preference – except of course “liturgical dance” unless you are in Spain, which has received permission to perform litigical dances in some dioceses. And then it’s only boys who do the dancing, and doesn’t look anything like the American “dance”.
Where can I get one?
I did find the self-righteous snickering comment over the top. If the abuses pointed out on this blog don’t bother you look inward.
Ray from MN,
I liked your idea and incorporated it.
“Each month you can log into our website and see how your parish compares. Whether you think you are in a parish with liturgical riches or liturgical wackiness you can see where you sit on the EWTN Televised Mass-St. Joan’s Gymnasium Mass Scale. You might find yourself relatively lucky after all.”
OOOOO. Some folks forgot their “don’t take yourself so seriously” pills today.
Heidi said:
“I’m pretty sure it says somewhere in the Gospel that if you have a problem with someone you should go speak to them – not give into liturgical abuse rages.”
Yeah, I’ve read that too. The problem is that when you do speak to them, their responses tend, at best, to be condescending eye-rolls to the refrain of “Oh you’re so pre-Vatican II”.
A brilliant idea, and how I wish a real cellphone jammer would be installed in every church, like what’s done in Mexico. It never fails to infuriate me to hear a phone go off during Mass, especially during the Consecration. Must be Satan giving a call or text message. If I can, I give the owner a baleful glare.
I want one! Especially for reporting cheesy music. Seriously, of the parishes I know that use the Gather Comprehensive hymnal, I hear the same songs OVER AND FLIPPIN’ OVER AGAIN!
Thanks for reminding me of what really happens at the NO mass and why I now attend one of those pre-Vat II parishes. I used to get so angry at the happenings, but this one made my side hurt from laughing. Then it wasn’t so funny when you think of those poor mis-directed souls.
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