The presumptive Democratic Party presidential nominee recently referred to James 2:14, then to James 1:22 after saying there were too many hungry and homeless people in America.
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“The scriptures say, ‘What does it profit my brethren if some say he has faith but does not have works?'” Kerry said, according to The Los Angeles Times. “When we look at what’s happening in America today,
where are the works of compassion? Because it’s also written, ‘Be doers of the word and not hearers only.'”
Senator’s Kerry was surprised at the response he got for his biblical Exegesis against President Bush and has decided to release some more of his scripture scholarly skills for some more verses to help us out.
Proverbs 24:16: for a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again;
Kerry’s Exegesis: “I do not fall down.” That SOB Secret Service agent got in my way.
Mark 10:11-12: And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”
Kerry’s Exegesis: This is figurative language only and does not apply when you find a women richer than your first wife. In most cases matrimonial mulligans are allowed.
Deut 5:21: You shall not desire your neighbor’s house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant,, or his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor’s
Kerry’s Exegesis: Unless of course they are part of the upper one percent. Then you may use class warfare to provoke envy so that you may get elected.
John 13:34: A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you, that you also love one another
Kerry’s Exegesis: Unless of course they are George W. Bush “Oh yeah, don’t worry, man, “We’re going to keep pounding, let me tell you. We’re just beginning to fight here. These guys are the most crooked, you know, lying group I’ve ever seen, It’s scary.”
Exodus 20:13: You shall not kill
Kerry’s Exegesis: We must help and protect our brothers and sisters no matter what they look like or where they are in the world, except of course if they are in a womb.
Proverbs: 12: 22: Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, but those who act faithfully are his delight.
Kerry’s Exegesis: �I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it�.
7 comments
I truly do not know who Kerry thinks he’s trying to kid. Church newbies, perhaps?
“I truly do not know who Kerry thinks he’s trying to kid.”
Himself?
All I can say is, Lord, have mercy!!
Aargh…
Douglas: I truly do not know who Kerry thinks he’s trying to kid.
Atheists.
That�s Kerry�s base (Atheists = Liberals).
To Kerry �religion� (i.e. Judeo-Christian religion) is nothing more than the punch line of a joke.
Go to any Atheist website, and you�ll see that they eat this stuff up. On one hand they hate that there candidate has to even pretend that he believes in �God�, but on the other hand they love seeing their guy use religion to easily manipulate the �gullible� and faithful believers.
Jeff! I think I’ve figured it out! Kerry is a Catholic from Bizzaro World! Observe the evidence: According to an online Superman encyclopedia, Bizzaro is a hideous copy of Superman with an ill-proportioned, angular, pasty-white face. He is well-intentioned but witless, powerful yet pathetic. His speech is incoherent. “Me don’t know difference between right and wrong – good and evil!” Bizarro declares in one issue of the famous comic book.
In Bizzaro World, women have their hair done at “ugliness parlors” and children beg their parents to watch dull movies (such as “The Slowest Gun in the West”), with which they are rewarded for being disobedient.
To be consistent, Bizarro World doubtless has a Bizarro Church as well! Clearly, everything that’s a matter of prudential judgment in the real Church is a matter of Bizarro dogma, and vice versa. The Bizarro doctrines are all opposite to the true ones, and they are not allowed to be logically consistent. Finally, the key which unlocks it all: since everything is reversed, in the history of the Bizzaro Papacy there must have been 23 Piuses and only 12 Johns, as Sen. Kerry let us know in his inadvertent slip!
What do you think? Should I go straight to the papers? 🙂
Alex,
I think you are on to something. In fact I might take your Bizarro world suggestion and use it in a parody.
I’d be honored. I bet your finished product will be ten times as amusing as my comment.