Humor

(AgapePress) – A Virginia congregation says it has left the Episcopal Church USA (ECUSA) — and the pastor of that congregation fears his former bishop may take retaliatory action against the parish.

South Riding Church is the first parish to leave the Episcopal Diocese of Virginia after two years of conflict over ECUSA’s ordination of an openly homosexual bishop in New Hampshire. But Pastor Phil Ashey says his problems with the Episcopal Church run much deeper than its approval of Bishop V. Gene Robinson.

"Really the issue of Robinson’s consecration and the blessing of same-sex unions is simply the presenting issue of a deep, deep disease in the Episcopal Church and its leadership," Ashey explains, "which is the abandonment of Holy Scripture as the basis for what we believe."

I do wonder how an Episcopal bishop tells a church that splits that schism is a bad thing?

Though I do think this can be all explained by the theory of Ecclesial-refractive half-life. This is the measure of the tendency of churches to "decay" or "disintegrate" after splitting from the Catholic Church. The Ecclesial-refractive half-life is a defined as the time it takes for half of the members of a congregation to to move to new churches or to start their own. The decay time is dependent on a number of external stimuli. For example some churches have a relatively long half-life if they are more closely wedded to a nation such as the majority of Orthodox churches. Your local neighborhood "Bible church" non-congregation congregation might have a half-life measured in days or months. Half-life’s have a tendency to increase in frequency as time goes on.

The basic unit of measure for describing the activity (Ecclesial-refractivity) of a quantity of ecclesial structure is the curia (not curie, but the Maria part still holds) or the measure of magisterial fidelity to Christ’s Church. Since the gates of Hell will never prevail against the Church the curia formula is 1C = 1 X ∞. Now the Church has infinite Mass as prophesied by Malachi "For from the rising of the sun to its setting my name is great among the nations, and in every place incense is offered to my name, and a pure offering; for my name is great among the nations, says the LORD of hosts." Though even with the infinite Mass of the Church there are other effects that can strip an individual from the one true Church. For example free will caused the first Adam to split causing a new clear expulsion. In fact the the Garden of Eden was wiped out.

Sometimes members of the Church (the elect or electon) when excited by more active liturgies will jump from an orbit close to the nucleus of the Church to orbits farther away. This usually happens due to a weak catechesis field. The electon moving away from the nucleus is normally done in good faith where they believe they are actually moving closer to the nucleus which is the Body of Christ – the Church. This is one of the effects of ecclesial relativity where an observer within the Church can see an individual that is trying to move forward but is actually moving farther away. This would present a problem if grace was not all pervasive and not slowed by any barrier except free will. You can tell when you are actually moving closer to the nucleus of the Church when the effects of Mass increases. The distance and energy it takes an electon to move from a lower to higher orbit is known as a Tiber. Sometimes an electon can be excited by effects such as church history causing it to make the leap. Surprisingly sometimes even Gene Therapy has been know to move electons across the Tiber. Gene Robinson has in fact caused some electons to make the jump.

Unfortunately there are many effects that can strip an electon from the nucleus such as ecclesial decay within the Church, scandals, and the bad example of Catholics. When an lower orbit electon can discern no discernable effect of Christ on a Catholic it can cause an increase of repulsion from the Church making to harder to obtain a closer orbit. Just as in trigonometry sin can be a problem and even acute if you go off on a tangent from God. Sin is the inverse measure of closeness to God and is reciprocal to holiness. The area of mathematics as related to sin is called Baalean Algebra.

Fortunately there is a mathematical formula to help us all to maintain an orbit as close to Jesus as possible. This formula is known as the Mathnificat.

My Will = Your Will

As simple as this formula appears it must be continually solved each day to keep our orbits close to Christ. Otherwise it can result in the total decay of our orbit resulting in an orbituary.

Note: If you want a more accurate mathematical and theological related posts go here instead.

Taiwanese card issuer The Chinese Bank has introduced a new affinity card in conjunction with the Chinese Regional Bishops’ Conference, according to the Taipei Times newspaper.

The newspaper reported that the bank will issue 100,000 cards, to be called the True Happiness Affinity Card, with maximum credit limits of NT$10 million ($297,397 USD).

One-quarter of one percent of a customer’s spend will be paid to the bishops’ conference for charity work.

"This credit card is not only for Catholics or those who believe in Jesus," Chen Kun-chen, secretary general of the bishops’ conference, was quoted as saying.

"Everybody can help to spread love regardless of their religion." [Source]

Cool idea. I really wish the Vatican would get behind an idea like this. What could be more POD than a Vatican Credit Card? In fact I will even offer an advertising campaign free of charge. How would you like to see a credit card offer like this?

Funny contrast at Benedictus qui venit. Thanks to the reader who sent me the link.

Jimmy Akin in a post Marriages Not Made in Heaven notes an atheist dating service.

Well at least they won’t have rubbish like "soul mate" on that site. Which reminds me can atheists in good conscience listen to soul music?

Single man randomly generated from the primordial soup seeks woman also randomly generated from the primordial soup who shares the same disbeliefs.

In the presence of over-arching nothingness and these our friends I take thee to be my husband/wife, promising unto myself and the universe with no meaning to assert meaning and to be unto thee a loving and lack-of-faith-ful husband/wife in this institution created by humans so long as we both shall exist.

I think Freethinker’s Match needs a patron saint and so I nominate former atheist St. Teresa Benedicata of the Cross for them.

Darwin at Darwin Catholic writes:

Folks, it’s time for me to come out against torture. Some would say that my sins mean that I deserve what I’m getting, but as sure as there is a God in heaven, this retribution is too much.

Here I was spending a few idle moments at work reading over the Gather Us In parodies at the Society for a Moratorium on the Music of Marty Haugen and David Haas and now I cannot get the tune of Gather Us In out of my head. For two days now.

Do I need an exorcism? A vacation? A drink? What will make it stop?

I suggested that an exorcism should do the trick. Simply repeat:

"The Power of Chant compels you."
"The Power of Chant compels you."
"The Power of Chant compels you."

We were warned about such things by Jesus. "where their earworm does not die, and the fire is not quenched." Gather Us In is definitely a case that requires prayer and fasting from insipid lyrics. If only it was as simple as driving a stake through a Gather hymnal or liberally dousing an OCP hymnal with Holy Water. Though such things are better left to the professional exorcists. I have seen too many layman lulled to sleep by modern hymns which are part of the lethargical year.

Men in Serbia are lining up to have electric shocks delivered to their testicles as part of a new contraceptive treatment.

Serbian fertility expert Dr Sava Bojovic, who runs one of the clinics offering the service, said the small electric shock makes men temporarily infertile by stunning their sperm into a state of immobility.

He said: "We attach electrodes to either side of the testicles and send low electricity currents flowing through them.

"This stuns the sperm, effectively putting them to sleep for up to 10 days, which means couples can have sex without fear of getting pregnant.

"The method does not kill the sperm permanently and it does not affect the patient’s health."

Dr Bojovic added patients were now lining up at his fertility clinic in Novi Banovci for the shock treatment, as it had none of the problems attached to using condoms, the male pill or having a vasectomy.

He added: "We are hoping to have a small battery powered version on sale in the shops in time for Xmas." [Source]

Cletus Huckleberry who sent me this link comments.

Something tells me that, unlike the pill and other popular methods of birth control, testicle shocking won’t foster a great deal of dissent from Church teaching.

Cletus, however, thinks this is how contraception really ought to be: A frighteningly absurd act so obviously contrary to nature that no man in his right mind would ever consider doing it.

I am with Cletus on this and that this is symbolic of how contraception should really be. Something more closely evident that we are doing something wrong and separating ourselves from God. Though regardless of the appearance and side effects it will not deter many. The pill has many serious side effects that if they were connected with any other drug would have been banned by now. Even if every condom sold was lubricated with pepper spray it probably would not deter use much as you might think. Children are now seen as the greatest possible side effect that outweigh any others.

On a less serious note would someone remark that they have "stunning sperm?" What if the charge was too high and instead of stunning it resulted in death – could the manufacturer be charged with testicular homicide? Or would it be considered unmanned slaughter. What in the world are they going to call this product and how will the advertise it. A catchy name like Nutzap with Great Balls of Fire as the jingle – A little zap will do ya? Would repeated zaps cause a man to be irritable and testis?

I come upon a new way to revitalize your prayer life. One that I have not found in reading the lives of the saints or even from the preeminent Doctors of the Church when it comes to the prayer life — St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross. Mostly my prayer life instead of wondering at the supreme mysteries of God and faith instead wandered into the vapid concerns of everyday life. Sure I have heard that just trying to pray is prayer and not to worry about distractions. But considering the number of distractions while praying I decided to try another tact.

Now what I try to do each day is to set aside some time to be distracted. To do this each and every day even if I am not in the mode to be distracted. I now prepare myself each day by first turning on the TV to set up my time of disquiet. I then read some upsetting news and I am just about all set. I then start busying myself with mundane worries. Subsequently I am all prepared for my time of deep distraction with thoughts flying to and fro colliding with each other and concentrating on first one distraction one minute and then another. While working and trying to be deeply distracted I would then be interrupted by prayer. When I would notice my mind had wandered into prayer I would then concentrate and try to go back to being distracted, but it was no use prayer just kept getting in the way and I was just unable to stay distracted. Instead of miseries, mysteries popped into my head. Instead of the benign, the divine.

I call this the way of distraction. I had figured if I had been interrupted by distractions while praying that I would be interrupted by prayer while trying to be distracted. Now you might not be the master of the distracted life as I am, but just keep at it. After all the whole world is working to help you to achieve the distracted life. From what I have read I know there are a lot of you out there who are already deep into the distracted life. I have been thinking of setting up "distracted groups" that could get together to help each other out in the distracted life. Or maybe I will write about called The Interior Cubicle all about the levels of distraction. There are seven basic levels of distraction and maybe I can help people out by detailing the signs and effects of each level of the distracted life so that they can see which cubicle they are currently in. Though I would warn people not to think they are superior because they are in a higher cubicle of the distracted life than others.

Now on a more serious note I would point you to this post on the subject of distractions by one of my favorite bloggers Steven Riddle.

MANILA-Roman Catholics seeking heavenly intercession can now text message the Virgin Mary from their mobile phones.

"Text Mary" allows users to send prayers via Short Message Service (SMS), which are then relayed to churches. Priests read the prayers during Mass.

The new service, introduced by local business Naimar Management Inc. under contract to churches, costs 2.5 pesos (5 yen) per prayer.

The service capitalizes on both Filipino’s religious ardor and their zeal for text messaging.

About 100 million SMS messages are sent in the Philippines every day-roughly twice the world average [Source]

Whenever I IM Mary I just keep getting "Do wutevA he tells U" back. Though the internet is much like the Communion of Saints. Each saint has an I.P. address – Intercessory Prayer. Though there is never any packet loss and messaging is truly instant. Of course Christ being the head of the Mystical Body in this case also acts as the backbone for messaging in the Communion of Saints. Though I do wonder when we ask the Old Testament Saints to pray for us if it goes over Esthernet.

Daniel Vitz sent me a link to a news story that is making the rounds around St. Blogs. Rich Lugari also posted on this.

Famiglia Cristiana, Italy’s best selling Catholic weekly raised more than a few eyebrows when it chose to run an ad which featured the image of a woman’s bottom through a slightly steamed glass door.

The advertisement was for bathroom ventilators, so I would imagine the underlying message was simply, “if you would like a better view of this, buy our ventilators.”

Famiglia Cristiana’s director, Don Antonio Sciortino, appeared extremely impatient with all the attention that his magazine was receiving just because of an advert.

"People are making a big thing out of this when really it doesn’t merit it. We haven’t breached a taboo or reversed our policy. I don’t think a female figure behind dirty, steamed up glass can cause particular agitation," he said. He admitted that the advert was on the borderline of what his magazine would publish and said a few subscribers might be slightly bothered by it. "If so we’ll start a debate among readers," he added.

The story is here with a picture from the ad.

My take on this is that it is actually a subtle rebuke on some Protestant’s concept of the rapture. That not only is there a "left behind", but a "right behind" also; you don’t want to go off half-assed. As so frequently happens in Catholic discourse is is not either/or, but both/and so it is not just the "left behind", but the right also. Sometimes we need to get to the bottom of theology just as long as we are not too cheeky or become asinine.

I. Shawn McElhinney suggests in my comments that with this nomination that perhaps considering Judge Lance Ito and the “Dancing Itos” that I might come up with a “Dancing Alito” parody. Well that suggestion was just too good to pass up and the nomination has made me even more light-hearted and so without further adieu.

The Amazin’ Dancin’ Alito