Humor

Despite advances in modern communications technology, the
Catholic faithful still have to confess face-to-face with the vicars of Christ
this Lenten season, Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) secretary
general Hernando Coronel said yesterday.

Coronel said confessions sent via text messaging or other
means of modern communication, like e-mail and fax machines, are "unacceptable."
[Full
Story]

FATHR 4GIVE ME 4 I &#189 SINNED
I 4NOCATED 1X, DRANK & 8 2 MUCH, HAD 6UL THOUGHTS
SAY 6X HM & 6X OF
I 4GIVE U IN THE NAME OF THE FATHR, SON, HOLY SPIR8
BLESS U, C U LTR

NEW YORK (AP) — Former President Bill Clinton has been tapped
for jury duty.

A questionnaire designed to help defense lawyers and
prosecutors select a jury for a federal attempted murder case indicated that
Prospective Juror No. 142 was actually William Jefferson Clinton.

…"Any particular question in Questionnaire 142
that you want to direct me to?" Judge Naomi Reice Buchwald asked the prosecutors,
the Times reported.

"All of them, judge," a prosecutor, Daniel M. Gitner,
said.

“I suspect there has never been anyone who answered yes to
so many questions and survived the voir dire process,” said Buchwald, referring
to the next step in the jury selection process – a personal interview that prospective
jurors who were not removed by the judge would undergo.
[Full
Story]

I can just imagine the interview in the voir dire process:

Buchwald: Please state your name.

Clinton: I would plead the fifth on that.

Buchwald: Excuse me, you can’t plead the fifth for a jury
interview.

Clinton: Oh sorry, force of habit. It depends on what the
meaning of name is. People have called me plenty of names and I have gone by
many.

Buchwald: Just the name on your birth certificate please.

Clinton: William Jefferson Clinton.

Buchwald: State your occupation.

Clinton: Women.

Buchwald: No not your preoccupations but your current job.

Clinton: Lecher. Oops I meant lecturer.

Buchwald: Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

Clinton: No not yet, I mean no.

Buchwald: Do you know anything or have any involvement in this
current case before us.

Clinton: Well that semi-plump women looks familiar.

Buchwald: What? No that’s the court stenographer please direct
your attention to the defendants in this murder case.

Clinton: Well it wasn’t murder it was a suicide and it really did
happen at Ft. Marcy park and the FBI agents fired no shots at the compound and the Branch Davidians started the fire all on their own and I had nothing to do with all those people dying around me.

Buchwald: You must be confusing this case with something else,
we are trying an attempted murder by a gang.

Clinton: (Pointing his finger) I did not have contact with
that gang!

To the person searching on Google for “jeff miller” gay
bear.

I prefer the term "same species attraction" to gay. No I am not coming out of the closet or should I say cave. And no I have never offered to help interior decorate any bear dens.

The WeatherPixie is a little graphic
that shows a representation of the weather using data reported (mostly) by airports and aerodromes around the world. This weather reporting is displayed on some weblogs. I went to their site but was only able to find weather details for places on this planet and there was not any supernatural weather to select from. So I decided to fill in the gap on the supernatural side of blog weather reporting.

Supernatural WeatherPixie
Surprisingly the current temperature is hot as hell especially with this coat on.		Weather is heavenly here with slight cloud cover at the ground level.

I just got back from the vets office on the base where some of my cats were getting their
yearly shots. I saw an ad on the board there about a family being moved overseas
and that they couldn’t take their dog and were offering it for free. There was
a picture and the normal lines about being good with children and that they would
provide all the dog accessories. The last line was that the dog was named "Chewy".
If I was going to write a list of names not to tell people when your are trying
to get rid of a dog "Chewy" would be at the top right under "Killer"
and "Mauler".

• It use to be to escape from reality you watched TV, now you have to escape
  from TV to not face reality shows.
• Do church renovators when working on a project stay at the wrectory?
• Is this the liturgist’s theme?
  • "Worship Space, the final frontier. These are the ravages of the
    worship Dissenterprise, its post Vatican II mission to explore strange
    new rituals, to seek out new strife, and new tabernacle locations, to
    boldly go where no man person has gone before…

HMS Blog has absorbed
some more members of St. Blogs. Gregory Popcak jokes with the following quip:

With my announcement of adding Robert and Kevin to the
HMS Blog, my plans for global domination of the internet is proceeding right
on schedule. As Robert correctly notes, “resistance is futile.”

He thinks by lightly joking about it he can hide the truth of the Borgcak absorption
of good blogs. The truth is out there! Bloggers of St. Blog unite and resist
the HMS collective with all your might. This picture was found deep on his website. This was the original art before it was touched up and placed on his site.

Jesus has been called upon to help Americans in their
eternal struggle with obesity with a diet dubbed "the healthiest ever devised
by man".

Drawing on the inspiration of loaves, fishes, water and
wine, a doctor from Florida has published a self-help manual, What Would Jesus
Eat?, and a companion volume, the What Would Jesus Eat Cook Book.

Dr Don Colbert told The Telegraph that he wrote the book
after realising that many of the fattest Americans are also dedicated Christian
fundamentalists.

Dr Colbert, who studied for a year at a Bible college
as well as training at medical school, believed that in such a God-fearing country
as America obese patients might be prepared to listen to Jesus even if they
failed to heed the advice of their doctors.

"Jesus sat down calmly to eat and drink and enjoy
the company of his companions. There was laughter and profound conversation,"
he said. "Our lifestyle has gone wrong. It is behind the epidemic of heart
disease and cancer, and this is something we really can learn from the Bible."
[Full
Story]

Recently an obscure Psalm has been found intact in a Qumran Cave, which I reprint
by permission:

The fool says in his heart, "There is no Cholesterol."

They are fat, they eat abominable foods,
there is none that eats good.

The LORD looks down from heaven upon the fattest of men,
to see if there are any that eat wisely,
that seek after health.

They have all gone buffet, they are all obese;
there is none that eats good,
no, not one.

Have they no knowledge, all the over eaters
who eat up my Twinkies as they eat bread,
and do not call upon the diet?

There they shall be in great terror,
for God is with the generation of the fittest.

You would increase the weight of the poor eaters,
but the LORD is his refuge.

O that deliverance from calories would come out of Searle!
When the LORD restores the fitness of his people,
Weight Watchers shall rejoice, Dr. Atkins shall be glad.

Jesus Gil of ibidem posts
"I just read an article about the US bases being set up in Kuwait, and
the thing that jumped out at me is that these bases also have a Burger King
and Baskin Robbins. I never would have imagined, on the other hand, maybe this
is a secret weapon…we�ll attack Iraq with our junk food."

I think that he is on to something, yet we do need to consider proportionality
from the just war theory. Would it really be proportional to stuff the Iraqi
populations arteries with fat compared to the threat of chemical attack? Wouldn’t
this be an overwhelming retaliation or preemptive heart attack. Would this just
be a modern day policy of MAD (Mutually Agitated Digestion)? Would Saddam Hussien
catch on and force the human shields to eat all of the junk food? Maybe this
whole junk food thing is a gambit from the Bush administration. Could it be
that the proposed war is about oil after all? Cooking oil that is. I heard about
the powerful Wesson Oil PACs and that their high priced lobbyist are pressuring
the Bush administration.

The other question is would the peace activists consider this a viable alternative
to war? If so would they carry signs like:

• McDonalds not Missiles
• Burger King not Bombs
• Wendys not WMDs
• There can be Pizza in our time
• Sonic not supersonic fighters

Update: They might be on to Bush’s plan:

KARACHI (Reuters) – Hundreds of mourners went on the
rampage in the restive Pakistani city of Karachi Sunday after the funeral of
Shi’ite Muslims killed in a gun attack, targeting two American fast-food
restaurants and smashing vehicles. [Full
Story]