Archbishop Raymond L. Burke’s previously of the La Crosse Diocese and now the Archbishop of St. Louis Archdiocese has written letters to pro-abortion Catholic legislators and has issued an official order stating that politicians who support abortion or euthanasia are to be refused Holy Communion. In reference to presidential candidate John F. Kerry the Archbishop has recently stated “I would have to admonish him not to present himself for Communion,” said Burke. “I might give him a blessing or something,” he said. “If his archbishop has told him he should not present himself for Communion, he shouldn’t. I agree with Archbishop O’Malley.”
Critics of Archbishop Burke have charged that not only is this out of line, but that it is impossible to enforce. With the number of Extraordinary Eucharistic Ministers (EEM) giving communion it is not reasonable for them to be trained in recognizing all pro-abortion Catholic politicians, there are just too many. EEMs who were unsure on someone in line would have to give communion so as to not wrongly deny someone the sacraments.
Curt Jester Laboratories taking heed of the critics comments and to help those in carrying out the good Archbishop’s official orders has come up with a solution. This new product, the Facial Recognition Paten 2000, will be unveiled shortly at the 2004 International Las Vegas Communion Electronics Show. This hand held unit will compare the face of the person in line receiving communion with a database of known pro-abortion candidates and activists via a wireless network. If the unit recognizes the communicant’s facial nodes as defined in the database the light panel on the back changes from green to red.
The Facial Recognition Paten 2000 recognizes facial nodes by looking at the distance between the eyes, width of nose, depth of eye sockets, cheekbones, jaw line, and chin.
These are standard industry checks, but Curt Jester Labs goes even further. Due to the propensity of politicians all of a sudden appearing 10 years younger than they did a week ago; special Botox algorithms and face lift statistical analysis formulas are used to adjust for these apparent changes.
The unit is designed to ignore false philosophical negatives like “personally opposed” and to treat the individual directly as a promoter of abortion.
This example show how the picture of a pro-abortion politician is converted into facial nodes and how the grid is used to measure facial characteristics.
Do you stay up late at night thinking these things up? 🙂
MEMO TO: Curt Jester Laboratories
SUBJECT: Facial Recognition Paten 2000
Please confirm reports that the FRP2000 will be available at a discounted price to the Archdiocese of Boston in exchange for (a) providing CJL with its own patens and (b) endorsing the product at the upcoming Communion Electronics Expo in Las Vegas.
As CJL is aware, we may be short on cash but we are long on FRP2000 targets.
Man! We need these in Chicago, and not only for pro-baby killers either! We have some crazy priests in our Archdiocese!
You kill me.
That things needs a pan-tilt unit attached, so that your device is robust to faux genuflections and even faux head-bobbing by the wily excommunicant. I also suggest a Novus Ordo/Tridentine mode switch, which enables advaced Tongue Recognition and can also match Lidless Eyes.
So what about those who are mistakenly identified by the system? We live in a country where Senators are put on no-fly lists, so how am I supposed to know the veracity of such systems?
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