Parody

National Catholic Enquirer

Mark Shea today used the headline Sir Elton Goes Franciscan for a news story on Sir Elton selling a lot of his possessions. Little does Mark know about the shocking truth of Sir Elton and the Franciscan connection and what use to be the apparent bastion of orthodoxy in the U.S. -Mother Angelica’s Eternal Word Television Network (EWTN). I have uncovered a plot where shady celebrities have been infiltrating the ranks of EWTN personalities right under the nose
of faithful Catholics.

Fr. Charles P. Connor host of multiple shows on EWTN	Sir. Elton John	Fr. Connor caught in an unguarded moment

Raymond Arroyo EWTNews Director	Pee Wee Herman a.k.a. Paul Reuben

Why is Mother Angelica no longer hosting a show? The excuse given is that she is still recovering from the stroke that she had last Christmas. Occasionally they show videos of her thanking people for their prayer, but nothing is done live. Is it a coincidence that she is now safely tucked away at the Our Lady of the Angels Monastery in Hanceville, AL far away from the television studio? How is it that Cardinal Ratzinger could sit face to face with Pee Wee Herman for an interview and not even realize it. How far does this deception go and is the Vatican hierarchy actively involved? Inquiring
minds want to know.

James has moved Catholic and Loving it! to his own server here.
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Padre Gio of the aptly named “Not So Quiet” Catholic Corner has specified a tag team of St. Augustine and St. Paul to take on Jack Reed and Patrick Kenney for their comments rejecting the US Bishop’s marriage amendment to the Constitution and consistantly supporting abortion (even partial birth in the case of Reed). These are good suggestions, but I woud further suggest Magisteral Man:

Thu September 18, 2003 05:20 PM ET

Washington D.C. (Roto-Reuters) Today during a Commission meeting the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission issued a surprise decree about the ten Democratic candidates running for President. The EEOC’s lawsuit, Civil Action No. 3:03cv999, filed in September 2003 in U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Virginia, involves the unlawful makeup of these candidates.

Jane Gerber, EEOC trial attorney, issued this statement. “We were shocked with the latest addition of General Wesley Clark to bring up the amount of contenders to ten. The commission was hopeful that over time that equal opportunity issues would take care of themselves. Frankly these candidates just don’t look like the makeup of America. There is a eight to one ratio of WMDs (White Male Democrats) to only two minority members. Half of the voting population is made up of females, yet there is only one woman represented in this group. When the candidates have come together in the past it looked far more like a board for the Augusta National Golf Club then a representative mixture of presidential wannabees. This is not surprising considering that the heads of the DNC have been successive WMDs.”

“We will be investigating what roadblocks were put into place that institutionalized the acceptance or racism and sexism in the choosing of these candidates. The Democrats as a whole have outwardly been supportive of gay rights, yet there are also no openly gay candidates included. The only candidate with experience of running a state, Howard Dean of Vermont, has really no experience in running a state with a large minority population. The current slate of candidates has been vacated and through arbitration we will come up with a group of candidates that actually reflects the makeup of this country. We will mandate a affirmative action system so that the hiring practices of the DNC will reflect true diversity. Once they present a slate of candidates that matches the the actual percentages of race and gender based on the 2000 census, will we allow this election to go forward.”

The current candidates have not yet issued a statement in response to todays decision.

The Curt Jester has learned new and startling information. We all had a laugh at the Secret Archives of the Vatican going online this year and all of the conspiracy theories concerning it over the years. But I started to wonder why now? What is the sudden reason for this decision. We had also noticed a trend over the last two thousand years and especially within the last fifty of the Vatican releasing documents that annoyed both the ultra left and ultra right. Document after document released would upset the theological apple carts of one group or another. Were these two seemingly unrelated events actually related?

We released orthodox spybots onto the Secret Archives and discovered a back door into the Top Secret Classified Vatican Archives. From there we pieced together information on a hereunto totally unknown Vatican Congregation. We were intrigued by the initials CPOCP that kept popping up in the initial proposals for both Papal documents and documents from the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. What was this group and why was it kept secret we pondered and were the Secret Archives published to throw people off from the real archives and this shadowy congregation?

We not only discovered the name of this congregation but also the Cardinal who runs it. We pieced together information we found on the sinus condition of papal painter Leonardo Da Vinci, known as “The Da Vinci Cold”, and a mysterious personal prelature. The name of this congregation can now be revealed to the world as the “Congregation for Pissing Off Church Pundits.” Threatening to bring this whole thing to light with the information we knew the prefect of this congregation has agreed to an anonymous interview. In the interest of trying to uncover and explain the mission of this hush-hush congregation we agreed.

CJ: What is the mission of CPOCP?

CPOCP: Actually we are Biblically based and take our guidance from Luke 12:51:

Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division; for henceforth in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three; they will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against her mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.”

So we work effortlessly to produce documents that will just generally annoy people. We will start with a general proposal on a subject destined to aggravate and outline the general direction of the proposed document. We believe that “No pundit should be left behind” so we try to maintain equilibrium in the documents we release. For example we released DOMINUS IESUS which upset those who were practically syncretists and then ROSARIUM VIRGINIS MARIAE which put so-called traditionalist in a angry snit.

How do you come up with your proposals?

CPOCP: When I first was appointed to this congregation I had all sorts of wild ideas for documents to publish. I read all of our previous proposals and noticed a common thread. I found I didn’t have to come up with imaginative or innovative ideas, all we had to do was to propose documents that were consistent with church teaching and people would be divided and irritated. There is nothing like actual church teaching to divide and nettle church pundits.

CJ: What do you consider some of your greatest achievements?

CPOCP: When we are able to bother pundits on both sides we are really proud of our work. One idea which started out as “Proposal #34389 to both affirm the sanctity of life from conception and the evil of abortion and question the death penalty under any circumstance philosophy” I am especially pleased with. The Pope edited the title down to EVANGELIUM VITAE, the Gospel of Life. In one document we managed to get two groups that are polar opposites to dissent to the teachings in it. Another classic example is HUMANAE VITAE. We built a campaign that released information of some panels that hinted that the church would change it opinion on contraception and then released this encyclical that maintained and supported traditional church teaching. The 1960’s was an ideal time to pull off this theological bait and switch. We had them really fooled into believing the possibility of a theological U-turn and then sucker-punched them with this encyclical.

CJ: What do you consider one of your failures?

CPOCP: Vatican II was designed to both rankle the rigorists and provoke the progressives. This document was beautifully crafted to do both and while it had some effect the problem was that neither of these groups actually read any of these documents from Vatican II. Vatican II was spirited away into some amorphous entity that was falsely represented. We feel that only if progressives had read the documents then they would have been properly peeved.

CJ: What are some ideas that initially didn’t look promising?

CPOCP: This one Spanish priest came to me with an idea of an organization that would preach the necessity of personal holiness and the sanctifying power of work. I told Josemaria that this just was not very controversial and wouldn’t generate any heat. Well he went ahead and started Opus Dei and proved me wrong. They have been in the center of attention and conspiracy theories ever since. I should have remembered that all it takes is to promote some aspect of Catholic teaching and then there will automatically be controversy.

CJ: What are your plans for the future?

CPOCP: Well we just came off the smash hits of Considerations regarding proposals to give legal recognition to unions between homosexual persons released just a week before the Episcopalians confirmed an openly gay bishop and we are possibly going to endorse genetically modified groups so we have irritated thousands possibly million of people. For the future documents on fornication and the churches teaching on the permanence of marriage should be in the works. We find that documents in regard to sexuality have the most controversial bang for the buck. We will just stick to the tried and true basics in generating dissension.

CJ: Thank you for your time and efforts.

(Roto Reuters) A group of protesters are picketing outside the T.G.I Friday’s restaurant, the world’s largest restaurant chain, in San Francisco. The group Americans United for the Separation of Church and State of Mind are offended by the restaurants name. Their spokesman had this to say.

“We are tired of going out to eat a good meal at good prices and then at the same time to have their theistic preferences shoved in our face by their full name – Thank God It’s Friday. That they are subliminally requiring us to be thankful to a deity just because it is Friday is offensive for atheists. Using only the initial G is not enough it need to be removed entirely or substituted with a more suitable name. We would suggest they use T.R.E.S.F.E.M.M.F.D.W. W. (Thank Random Elements and Survival of the Fittest and the Ending of the Man Made Five Day Work Week.) instead. It is not enough for them just to remove God, but Friday has to go to. I am offended by the name of this day of the week since it is based on the religion of Norse theists. Friday comes from Frigg’s Day, Frigg was a Norse diety and a contemporary of the diety Odin. We are tired of both dead Norse theists and modern theists shoving their hidden agenda down our throats. We picked San Francisco to start this protest since this city is named after someone who practiced theism named Francis of Assisi and the moniker saint is judgemental on those who don’t believe in an after life. Even city names aren’t safe for atheists. The world needs to be made safe for atheists so that they can live their lives without being confronted by theism and where there is never any mention of the word God or any of the morality that goes with it. Ideally can’t the whole world be like a public school?”

“Picketing this Restaurant is just a start. Next we go to Ruby Tuesdays. Tuesday is another one of the days named after norse deities, Tiw’s Day, Tiw, or Tyr; was a god of justice. After that it is on to the store Heavenly Ham where to buy pig products the concept of a after life is thrust upon your intellect. This concept of a final judgment is just too judgmental, we would suggest the name ‘Non-existence After Death Ham.’ “

(Stonehenge) A group of Pagan protesters are outside the ancient ruins protesting the treatment of male Pagans. Their spokesman Drew Edd had this to say, “We are fed up with the unequal treatment of males in both language and practices. We think the exclusive use of female gender names such as Mother Earth disparages male wisdom, why not Father Earth? And the term Gaiea again is just too feminine influenced, it just sounds gay-a. We prefer another name for the intricate process of earth interlocking processes – George. This is now the 21st century but sexual stereotypes are still in place in Pagan worship. Is is fair that some parts of our worship can only be inhabited by female virgins. All are called to ministry and to exempt one part of the population because of some traditions and prejudices is simply wrong-headed. We must be open minded and start also sacrificing male virgins, after all it is just as hard to find virgins of either sex. Allowing male human sacrifices would be true sexual equality and justice. The ritual sacrifice of humans is the preeminent part of our worship and because of the human sacrifice shortage people are not gaining access to our rituals. We should also allow married people to become human sacrifices. Celibacy for human sacrifices is unnatural and we could rapidly increase the pool of available sacrifices by not making restrictions based on sex or married state. Who knows all of the psychological problems that might be based on us restricting our sacrifices to be celibate, though normally we don’t have problems with them after they have been part of the altar ceremony.”

1210 B.C. – This is Judas Arnett reporting to you from Ai for
the Canaan News Network (CNN). The Canaanite war which the invading Israelites
have unjustly
waged on the inhabitants of this peace loving people is on its way to
a sound defeat. Today here in Ai the men of this town have smote about thirty
six of their invading
warriors and chased them away.
What started as quick military success in Jericho has ended in a quagmire at
Ai. There is questioning if Joshua son of Nun has the support of his people
and whether they will be there for the long run. Past opinion polls and focus
groups
have
shown the Israelites to be very fickle in following their leaders. It took
them 40 years to stage this invasion,and even with all that time they were
unable to defeat the people of this small town of Ai.

At home their has been growing peace protests against this ill
advised war. Protesters have been carrying signs such as "No Blood for
Milk and Honey" and chanting "Hey hey! Ho ho!, Look what they did to Jericho". We still don’t know all of the disastrous environmental
effects of Joshua’s campaign. The stopping of the natural water flow at the
Jordan
River has affected the migration paths of some fish. Chaldean astronomers have
forecasted that there will be global warming as a result of Joshua interference
with the orbit of the sun and causing it to stand still. The protesters are also
questioning the ban or scorched earth polices on conquered towns. They believe
in multiculturalism and that they can integrate peaceably with the people of
Canaan without falling into worship of their gods. The idea that they will
fall into
the practices
of the natives they consider just an idol threat. It is also rumored that Joshua
cavorted with the infamous Rahab the harlot in carrying out this attack.

The United Nations of Northern
Kings are filing papers with the war crimes tribunal to charge Joshua with
war crimes and human rights violations. The Ark of the Covenant which they
used
against Jericho is rumored to be highly radioactive since just touching it
can kill
you. The
Israelites
are aware of this since they carefully carry it around using poles of acacia
wood to avoid coming in contact with it. The effects of this radioactive Ark
seem to intensify
with everyone shouting at
once after seven days of carrying it around. The collapsing of the walls
of Jericho crushed many innocent women and children and this weapon is in direct
violation of the Genesis Conventions. The town is now so radioactive that even
after they won this battle they refused to move into the town. Just because
having this weapon makes them a super power does not give them the
right to
go around
bullying
other
nations and forcing them to worship their God.

The Israelites have also foolishly entered into diplomatic relations
with the Gibeonites, sworn enemies of the Kings of the North, again showing
their naive
and failed diplomacy. Becoming their ally will only lead to their defeat at
the hands of the united Kings of the North. Their extended supply lines are
also causing them trouble. There have been reports of soldiers on the front
line only having one MRE
(Manna Ready to Eat) a day. This war will end in disaster for the Israelites.
[Full
Story]

Rep. Marcy Kaptur, D-Ohio who recently said: “If you think back
to our founding as a country, we are a country of revolution, One could say
that Osama bin Laden and these non-nation-state fighters with religious purpose
are very similar to those kind of atypical revolutionaries that helped to cast
off the British crown.” and “I think that people of faith understand that for
many of the terrorists, their actions are acts of sacred piety to the point
of losing their lives. And I think that people of faith understand that there
is a heavy religious overtone to the opposition.”

Even after the initial outcry Rep. Kaptur has defended her remarks
and has now gone farther by proposing a new addition to the national monument
at Mt. Rushmore. "I propose in honor of the revolutionary endeavors and
example of Mr. Laden that he be made an honorary founding father of the United
States and to show our appreciation of his sacred piety that we add him next
to George Washington on the monument at Mt. Rushmore. If our founding fathers
had access to passenger jets then I am sure that they would also have murdered
thousands of British civilians by crashing those jets into buildings."

Tom Daschle one of the two Senators from South Dakota had this
to say about the proposed addition to the monument in his state. "While
I think that the proposed additions might be good for the economy of my state
I don’t believe that the timing is prudent."

Sen. Patty Murray who also previously praised Bin Laden when she
said “He�s been out in these countries for decades, building schools, building
roads, building infrastructure, building day care facilities, building health
care facilities, and the people are extremely grateful. We haven’t done that."
And who also requested that $30 million dollars in aid to the then Talaban led
Afghanistan government is also enthusiastically behind this endeavor and added
"Anybody that goes out of the way to build roads in order to gain better
access to terrorist training locations in South America deserves all the positive
recognition he can get."

Senator Trent Lott has also release a statement saying "I
apologize for my previous offensive remarks in wishing that Strom Thurmond had
been President instead. I had previously wrongly thought that there was media
hypocrisy involved in all the attention my previous statement had made compared
to the little media coverage of praise given by an American Senator and Congresswoman
to Osama Bin Laden, but I realize now my comments were much worse and can’t
be compared.

The provincial of the California province of the Jesuit
order has followed through on his threat of a strike when we entered the war.
Jesuits in this province are staying away from the Mass in order to bring peace.
They are also considering encouraging not reading to improve literacy. Unfortunately
for the Society of Jesus a new group of SJs have come onto the scene, the Scabs
of Jesus. These strike breaking (also referred to as scabs)
priests are crossing picket lines and conducting Mass. One Jesuit priest relates
a story about one of these Masses he observed. "I waited patiently throughout
and was disturbed to find not one liturgical dancer. The Eucharistic Prayers
were actually read straight from the lectionary with no addition or ad libs,
what was he thinking. The priest also misused the homily by not speaking about
his favorite social actions, but instead talked about the universal call to
holiness. What a waste of time." The strike has had a surprising effect
on schools and those attending Mass in this area. Mr. Smythe a father of a child
going to a Jesuit school was shocked to have his son not bringing home the typical
"Jesus is love" coloring book but a Bible and Catechism instead. After
some inquiries Mr. Smythe found out that this is something actually recommended
for all Catholics to read. Other parishioners have also been pleasantly surprised
that the Church still believes in miracles, purgatory, sin, and the divinity of Christ. Thousands of
emails and letters have poured forth into the provincial office encouraging
them to stay on strike until there is peace on earth.

See the original story Domenico Bettinelli posted.