1210 B.C. – This is Judas Arnett reporting to you from Ai for
the Canaan News Network (CNN). The Canaanite war which the invading Israelites
waged on the inhabitants of this peace loving people is on its way to
a sound defeat. Today here in Ai the men of this town have smote about thirty
six of their invading
warriors and chased them away.
What started as quick military success in Jericho has ended in a quagmire at
Ai. There is questioning if Joshua son of Nun has the support of his people
and whether they will be there for the long run. Past opinion polls and focus
shown the Israelites to be very fickle in following their leaders. It took
them 40 years to stage this invasion,and even with all that time they were
unable to defeat the people of this small town of Ai.
At home their has been growing peace protests against this ill
advised war. Protesters have been carrying signs such as "No Blood for
Milk and Honey" and chanting "Hey hey! Ho ho!, Look what they did to Jericho". We still don’t know all of the disastrous environmental
effects of Joshua’s campaign. The stopping of the natural water flow at the
River has affected the migration paths of some fish. Chaldean astronomers have
forecasted that there will be global warming as a result of Joshua interference
with the orbit of the sun and causing it to stand still. The protesters are also
questioning the ban or scorched earth polices on conquered towns. They believe
in multiculturalism and that they can integrate peaceably with the people of
Canaan without falling into worship of their gods. The idea that they will
of the natives they consider just an idol threat. It is also rumored that Joshua
cavorted with the infamous Rahab the harlot in carrying out this attack.
The United Nations of Northern
Kings are filing papers with the war crimes tribunal to charge Joshua with
war crimes and human rights violations. The Ark of the Covenant which they
against Jericho is rumored to be highly radioactive since just touching it
are aware of this since they carefully carry it around using poles of acacia
wood to avoid coming in contact with it. The effects of this radioactive Ark
seem to intensify
with everyone shouting at
once after seven days of carrying it around. The collapsing of the walls
of Jericho crushed many innocent women and children and this weapon is in direct
violation of the Genesis Conventions. The town is now so radioactive that even
after they won this battle they refused to move into the town. Just because
having this weapon makes them a super power does not give them the
nations and forcing them to worship their God.
The Israelites have also foolishly entered into diplomatic relations
with the Gibeonites, sworn enemies of the Kings of the North, again showing
and failed diplomacy. Becoming their ally will only lead to their defeat at
the hands of the united Kings of the North. Their extended supply lines are
also causing them trouble. There have been reports of soldiers on the front
line only having one MRE
(Manna Ready to Eat) a day. This war will end in disaster for the Israelites.
This is really great! Thanks very much.
An excellent commentary on the Horrible Habirus, whose only intention was to commit genocide against everybody else. Of course – “what goes around, comes around” – and when it happened to the descendants of the Habiru, a few thousand years later, they made a mighty protest that they were being badly done to. Also – don’t forget why Canaan was supposed to be so evil that all of its peoples had to be destroyed: they were all descended from Noah@s grandson Canaan… the one who found the old guy drunk and naked in his tent. This act of discovery” was considered to be worse and more evil then Noah’s own “act of disclosure”. The poor kid was kicked out of Noah’s family/tribe, and went off to found his own country. The Noah tribe simply wanted to hunt them down and kill them, making up all sorts of God-sanctioned excuses on their way there.