FCC to license prayer

(Washington D.C.) A surprise decision came from the five Commissioners of
the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) today when they announced that prayer
was a form of communication under the purview of the FCC. The FCC was established
by the Communications Act of 1934 and is charged with regulating interstate
and international communications. The FCC deemed that since prayer could effect
people in other states it comes under their jurisdiction for interstate
communications. Their official statements says "We have gone too long without
regulating this use of public communications, it does not matter whether communications
be within the radio spectrum or of the omnipresent kind."

Anyone now desiring to pray will have to apply for a license from the FCC before
engaging in this activity. A decision has been made to institute a seven-tier
license depending on the prayer level of the individual from amateur to mystic.
This system is to be based on St. Teresa of Avila’s classic work the "Spirtual
Castle." One of the Commisioners said that the beauty of this system is
that everyone thinks they are in a higher mansion of prayer then they really
are and are more apt to pay for a license at a higher fee then they are really
qualified for.

A new regulatory agency the Prayer Enforcement Agency (PEA) will be established
to monitor unlicensed prayer. All miracles will be investigated to make sure
that those involved met the requirements and were correctly licensed. Spot checks
will be made in churches where an undercover PEA officer will ask people to
pray for them and if they say yes than their credential will be asked for. All
clergy will have to pay a professional fee and contemplative monasteries or
convents will be charged accordingly. There will also be a special Catholic
Mass users fee since it has been stated that this is highest form of prayer
on earth.

Initial reports from across the country of people expressing outrage at the
latest government intrusion. The US Catholic Bishop’s conference also expressed
outrage against licensing a fundamental right of every human being. They also
said that it was not fair that the government should license only one segment
of society that includes church-goers, theists, and Buffalo Bills fans. Not
all reports have been negative, The Kentucky Fried Chicken Corporation announced
that they will pay for a high level license and will start offering a special
of a wing and a prayer.

The Congress is considering a bill to make up for the inequity of only licensing
theists. The "Unbelievers Tax" will also be a multi-tiered tax based
on level of unbelief. Agnostics will be charged at whatever the highest rate
is for believers or nonbelievers until they submit in writing their preference.
The "Unbelievers Tax" will be due each year on April Fools day. National
Atheist News replied that they couldn’t believe this new tax, unfortunately
unbelief in the "Unbelievers Tax" is not a valid excuse and is not
waiverable.