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The Curt Jester

"It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it." GKC

Humor

The shampoo/conditioner quotient

by Jeffrey Miller September 21, 2010
written by Jeffrey Miller

There are some things in this universe that are just not possible in that they go against some fundamental law. There are plenty of universal constants and I think I have discovered another one. The shampoo/conditioner quotient. Basically this law would be stated as:

“The shampoo/conditioner quotient will never obtains unity”

No doubt you are wondering if I had finally flipped my lid and possibly this is so. But after years of experimental science I think my hypothesis and statement of this law holds out. Try as you might you will never finish your bottle of shampoo at the same time as the bottle of conditioner. Regardless of how uniform your dabs are when you finish the shampoo there will no doubt still be conditioner left in the bottle. Even if you start both bottles on the same day this will happen. Though usually the shampoos runs out and you still have conditioner left and so you buy another bottle of shampoo and conditioner. Now possibly there are those that run out of conditioner before the shampoo, but I have no evidence to support this. I do believe that the last bit of conditioner in a bottle is actually some filler substance since the manufacturer knows you will toss that bottle when you get your new shampoo conditioner matched pair.

Now some try to go against this universal law by using Pert or some other 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner. Well the universe is not mocked and thus some other item you have will be used up at an unequal rate. Sort of like the conservation of energy. Now this is not like the pack of hotdogs/buns where they purposely created an unequal ratio since shampoo and conditioner usually come in the same size bottle with supposedly equal ounces. Maybe this is related to another universal quotient which can be stated.

“Number of socks entering the washer ≠ number of socks pulled out of dryer”

Dark matter was postulated to account for evidence of “missing mass” in the universe. I propose that this missing matter is actually made up entirely of socks.

Oh well off to the store to buy a bottle of shampoo and conditioner while the leftover conditioner silently mocks me.

September 21, 2010 14 comments
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Punditry

Catholyc Bumper Stickers

by Jeffrey Miller September 21, 2010
written by Jeffrey Miller

Ha! At Acts of the Apostasy. Though I need to talk to LarryD for stealing my ideas before I have thought of them.

September 21, 2010 3 comments
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Book Review

Synergy: Science Reasons With Atheists

by Jeffrey Miller September 19, 2010
written by Jeffrey Miller

Another book I recently read for review was Synergy: Science Reasons With Atheists. By the title I had thought this would be a book dealing with natural theology in arguing against the atheist position, but it is something different and worthwhile.

The author takes 50 common questions about science and faith and answers them from the Catholic point of view. It simply presents accurately what the Church teaches in regards to theology. It is not combatant in any way when dealing with these questions and thus is a book that might even to appeal to an atheist of good will. I know that when I was an atheist I would have been intrigued by this book that shatters so many of the myths of reason being an antonym for faith.

The book is peppered throughout with quotes from scientists about God with the majority of them being from Catholic scientists. While I have done a good deal of reading on this topic I came across a lot of intriguing quotes I had not seen before. The subject of the Catholic scientist is one I so enjoy in part to my previous ignorance of the subject since famous scientists are usually stripped of their faith when presented in textbooks. I especially liked the section regarding the Galileo controversy and other myths of persecution by the Church against scientists. His discussion of Copernicus, Galileo and others shows the truth that the persecution of so many scientists and in fact scientists who were Catholic was for the most part done by the University System. I already knew that Copernicus was afraid to publish his book because of the reception by the universities and that it was a Cardinal who encouraged him to publish anyway. What I didn’t know is that this was not a unique occurrence and something that repeated itself.

We constantly hear about the Galileo incident, yet Antoine Lavoisier who has been called the Father of Modern Chemistry and was killed during the so-called Enlightenment as a traitor for speaking up for the rights of foreign-born scientists. The judge in the case said “The Republic needs neither scientists nor chemists; the course of justice can not be delayed.” Ignaz Semmelweis the Catholic and Hungarian Physician who introduced hand-washing to limit the spread of disease before germ theory was totally ostracized by the medical profession and reduced to poverty. The fact that he reduced the deaths at a maternity ward by half did not matter to them. There are other examples in the book of similar happenings.

The book though is not just about phony faith vs. science, but attempts to answer many other questions in what I thought to be sound both theologically and from a scientific point of view. There was much that I liked in this book and certainly a book I would recommend to those dealing with atheists.

There are some slight quibbles I had with the book. He repeats several times that our DNA and monkeys are 99% identical. Well I am not quibbling that the oft-used figure is 98.4%. The problem is that humans and mice also share a similar percentage and the fact that complete genomes of both species is showing a deepening chasm because of the greater differences in what was once called junk DNA. The oft quoted figure is becoming less and less meaningful. [resource] Though I really liked that authors explanation on evolution and the fact that a soul can not evolve and is given directly by God.

I found the section on “Why do religious people believe in prophecy” to confuse prediction based observation with actual prophecy as part of God’s supernatural providence. Describing scientific prediction based on observations as a close cousin to prophecy is not a very good comparison in my opinion. Scientific induction is not prophecy and I would have liked to see an actual Catholic view on prophecy spelled out here.

My last quibble is with the section which asked “Why did Thomas Jefferson think a wall of separation between church and state was needed?” This section seemed to me contrary to what Jefferson actually wrote in his letter to the Danbury Baptists the only time he used this phrase. They were afraid the state would interfere with the church and Jefferson assured them that this was not the case. The phony court view that the state must be separated from religious influence was made out of whole cloth. Maybe I misconstrued what the author was writing here, but to me it did seem to project the modern view onto Jefferson.

It is much easier for me to call out quibbles than to remark intelligently on the contents of this book and the fact I read the majority of the book with no such quibbles.

September 19, 2010 1 comment
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Book Review

Holy Ghosts

by Jeffrey Miller September 19, 2010September 19, 2010
written by Jeffrey Miller

I received for review Holy Ghosts: Or How a (Not-So) Good Catholic Boy Became a Believer in Things That Go Bump in the Night and I am not quite sure what to make of it.

For the most part I really enjoyed the narrative of the book as the author relates a haunting of the house he lived in with his family that was also his childhood home. The author a Catholic describes the events that happened that convinced him that something was going on that was not material, but kept a mainly skeptical view throughout. If this was a novel and not a true account it would be an enjoyable read with some interesting chills, but not any real horror in the modern sense. Gary Jansen as an author is very engaging and you really come to accept all that he writes as he relates the haunting the strange coincidences piled on top of each other.

The sub title of the book describes the author as a (not so) good Catholic boy, which I found rather annoying. The author certainly seemed to be a serious Catholic in that for example when he was doing research on the subject who turned to the writings of the late Fr. Hardon of whom he trusted as an authentic source for Catholic teaching. At another point he turns to Peter Kreeft. There are interesting discussions between him and his wife on whether an action was something appropriate to the Catholic faith. He is also an author who has written a book of meditations on the Rosary. So while Catholics serious about the faith shouldn’t think that they are ready to be canonized and should know that they are indeed sinners saved only by the grace of God; at the same time humility is knowing the truth about yourself and being self-depricating as in the sub title is not really accurate. I probably dwell too much on this point and I love books like the Bad Catholics Guides to …. . It is just that I though this was a book written by a fallen away Catholic.

This is not to say that all decisions made by the author in getting rid of his haunting I though were prudential or even within Catholic doctrine. It was interesting to see the amount of research Gary Jansen did in learning about the spirit world and the realities of Angels and Demons and orthodox books on the subject going back of course to the Angelic Doctor St. Thomas Aquinas. With this type of grounding he still turns to a well-known ghost whisperer and follows her advice. This was the part of the book I have heavy qualms about. The idea that some hauntings are people who have died that need to find their way to the light after something has been resolved is common folder in stories. The concept that people in Purgatory might be doing this I find little credence for. Though as far as I know it is not something totally ruled out by doctrine and of course our knowledge on Purgatory is extremely limited.

While the author in the acknowledgements mentions a priest he had become friends with, what is missing is his actually going to the Church for advice about these hauntings. There is no mention of his discussing this with any priests, but this might have been left out. If so it is a curious omission. I just found strange the curios tension with him going to good and orthodox sources for research and then after some thought going with a ghost whisperer recommended by a friend.

Like Julie at Happy Catholic who reviewed this book I found rather disconcerting the authors use of occasional swearing which while not being particularly offensive, just seemed incongruous with the way he wrote. Despite some of my qualms and quibbles I did enjoy this book and it was a serious page turner in wanting to find out what would happen next. The writing makes you really want to accept what the author writes as a true experience and I certainly never had the feeling the story was less than truthful. I would certainly recommend this book with the caveats mentioned as it gives you much to think about.

For a book where the author wants to be seen as credible it seemed rather odd for me that one of the review quotes on the back of the book was from writer Whitley Strieber, author of Communion and other books. I have read Communion which is suppose to be a true account of Streiber’s encounters with aliens and is also written with a skeptical view of what was happening.

Happy Catholic’s much better written review is here. She also quotes some good passages from the book.

September 19, 2010September 19, 2010 4 comments
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Book Review

Death Panels

by Jeffrey Miller September 19, 2010September 19, 2010
written by Jeffrey Miller

As a reviewer for the Catholic Writers Guild I was given the opportunity to read a new book by author Michelle Buckman called Death Panels: A Novel of Life, Liberty and Faith.. The title certainly sounded intriguing. Before reading it I had wondered if it would be high on polemics concerning medical boards and low on a worthwhile story line. I soon found this was not a concern at all as I quickly got pulled into the story and raced through the book following the characters and plot.

In some ways it reminded me of Monsignor’s Robert Hugh Benson Lord of the World which is a dystopian novel of the end times. This novel starts in a future of 2042 that in some ways has some of same facets of Lord of the World, but without the eschatological aspects. The future is the bottom of that slippery slope where bureaucracies take over healthcare decisions and more and more power is taken from the individual and transferred to the government. The Culture of Death is in full force and both the start and end of life is under attack. Modern tolerance reaches its ultimate conclusion where nothing is actually tolerated and Christians are living on reservations called a Dominian. The main character comes from such a Dominian and is illegally in the city where circumstances put him on the run trying to save a life.

So while the story correctly critiques socialized medicine and people giving up more and more rights to the government, the novel primarily succeeds as a story. I liked the characters who I found believable and the thread of hope throughout despite the dire overtones. Simply a very good novel which also contains solid commentary on where we are heading if we don’t stand up for the Culture of Life. We already have Christian arrested for preaching the Gospel to Muslims. The continuing horror of abortion and threat of euthanasia. Judges trying to force same-sex marriage on us.  So the future this novel shows is unfortunately not that far off, but also not inevitable.

When I first wrote this review the novel was not yet released, but it was released last week.

September 19, 2010September 19, 2010 0 comment
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Punditry

Logo

by Jeffrey Miller September 16, 2010
written by Jeffrey Miller

The Democratic Party has come out with a new logo and I have to admit the design is pretty good.  Nice and simple with a good color theme.  Follows the ubiquitous Obama logo and repeats the change meme.  Hey it worked in the last election and no doubt change is coming on November 2nd.

Though while the logo is quite good I think it needs some improvement.  When I first saw it I saw the circled D as OD and overdose is a good definition of the modern Democratic which has OD’ed on spending.  But no that is only one aspect.  Here is a much more accurate logo.

Now that is much closer to the modern Democrat party which will do anything to advance abortion, Embryonic Stem-Cell Research, Euthanasia and pretty much all aspects of life and death.  They don’t really need a new logo, but to follow the Logos.

I admit to being partisan in that I believe in most of the principles of conservatism (now if only the Republican politicians also did so). Yet I would be much happier if the only things Democrats and Republicans disagreed on were prudential approaches to solving problems instead of selecting lesser evils.  As it  stands though now the Democrats support multiple intrinsic evils and the Republicans dismiss the intrinsic evil of torture.

While the Democratic Party remains the Party of Death, for me this will be a more apt logo for them.

September 16, 2010 8 comments
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Blog Announcement

Here and There

by Jeffrey Miller September 14, 2010
written by Jeffrey Miller

The Cardinal Newman Society just launched a new blog dubbed “Campus Notes” and will be doing extensive coverage of the Newman beatification in the coming days.

Campus Notes

Plus a new blog by the Catholic Campus Ministry at Ole Miss.

Southern-Fried Catholicism

September 14, 2010 0 comment
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LiturgyParody

Geistbusters

by Jeffrey Miller September 14, 2010September 14, 2010
written by Jeffrey Miller

When it comes to infestations by Liturgeists and other frightful beings – who are you going call?

If you are dealing with the zeitgeist – the spirit of the age – we must remember what St. Paul says in 1st Corinthian 2:12 “Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit which is from God, that we might understand the gifts bestowed on us by God.”  St. Paul also wrote “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passion.” and when it comes to this the time is already here as it has been for men throughout the ages.

That is why  at Geistbusters are here to help you exterminate those pesky spirits of Vatican II that seem to often manifest themselves around holdouts from the sixties.  If you are experiencing disturbances in your parish, school, or other Catholic institutions you might have wondered what to do about it.  In this skeptical age when you tell others of liturgical and theological abuses you have experienced they might not believe you and when you complain of  Vatican II spirits haunting you they might chalk it up to your Pharicism or overactive imagination.  When you experience manifestations such as Holy Water turning into sand or marbles or inclusive language disturbing the grammar of the Mass with odd placements of pronouns – rest assured we here at Geistbusters not only believe you, but are here you help you out.

When you recognize a haunting of a Vatican II spirit don’t be tempted in trying to eradicate them yourself.  Some have foolishly thought that such spirits could be banished just by actually quoting the texts of Vatican II.  If such were the case Gregorian Chant would actually be given “pride of place in liturgical services.” as Vatican II called for.  For example try telling a Vatican II spirit that according to Lunem Gentium “Religious submission of mind and of will must be shown in a special way to the authentic Magisterium of the Roman Pontiff even when he is not defining” and expect them to recant a position contrary to the fourth level of teaching.  Laugher would be the normal reply of such mischievous spirits.  You might think to try using reason and the authority of magisterial documents to help make the case, try that if you want to be blue in the face as much good as it will do you.

Still you wonder if your parish will ever be normal and some don’t even believe in the parishnormal.  But I am here to tell you the parishnormal exists and that Geistbusters was started to assist you in returning your parish to a normal state of orthodoxy.  Our team here at Geistbusters consists of men ready to help you out immediately.  Our Geistbusters go through rigorous training consisting of prayer and fasting so that they can take on those spirits of Vatican II.  We have developed special equipment to zap heresies and watered down teachings and sending them back to where they came from.  Our particle accelerator proton pack fires a stream of highly charged protons that overcomes the heterodoxically charged electrons that spirits of Vatican II are composed of.  Since protons have Mass they are an apt particle for Catholic use.  The containment unit is specially constructed to be able to contain liturgical fads, dissident teaching, new-agey doctrine, and various other Vatican II spirits in a dogmatically dense material guaranteed to last till the Second Coming.

Shown here is one of our Geistbusters using the proton pack and containment unit to overcome liturgical dancers and to extract and trap any Vatican II spirits possessing these dancers.  This is done totally without physical harm to the dancers themselves who afterwards will wonder what the heck they were doing in the sanctuary and have a sudden desire to actually read the documents of Vatican II after Mass.

Liturgical dancers are one thing and we here at Geistbusters can handle even the most difficult cases.  In the movie Ghostbusters the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man did plenty of damage before stopped. Even though the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is rather silly looking it was still able to do damage and this is an important concept to remember.

Don’t try this at home kiddies!

Yes Geistbusters will even take on Giant Liturgical Puppets which is not for the feint of heart or really for any heart. As scary as Giant Liturgical Puppets are they can be taken down and reduced to their constituent paper mache atoms. We take our job seriously which is why we call in teams of Swiss Guard in these extreme cases. Now some have become concerned about what would happen if the beams of the Geistbusters’ proton packs would cross. Well to be honest we are not sure, though we are pretty certain that the result could not be worse than Giant Liturgical Puppets.

So whether you are in a parish with some minor confusion or going to a university that has a vision statement about Catholic identity and being in the tradition of some founder yet would never in the world implement Ex Corde Ecclesiae. No job is too small or too large for our Geistbusters, but we might need some serious lead time to ensure proper prayer and fasting for the most serious jobs.  Please don’t call us about diocesan bishops possibly possessed by spirits of Vatican II.  These jobs have to be initiated by the Holy Father, though we are expecting to get a call to fly to fly to Belgium soon.

Just remember that if you see something like this –  run – to you nearest Geistbusters.

Geistbusters…
If there’s somethin’ strange in your diocese
Who ya gonna call (Geistbusters)
If it’s somethin’ weird an heterodox
Who ya gonna call (Geistbusters)

I ain’t afraid a no spirit of VII
I ain’t afraid a no spirit of VII
If you’re hearing homilies that you dread
Who can you call (Geistbusters)
A litugist sleepin’ in your bed

Oh who ya gonna call (Geistbusters)
I ain’t afraid a no spirit of VII
I ain’t afraid a no spirit of VII
Who ya gonna call (Geistbusters)
If you’re all alone pick up the phone
An call (Geistbusters)

* Members of the Diocese of Los Angeles and Rochester call us for a special group rate.

*Hippy crack vestment source

September 14, 2010September 14, 2010 15 comments
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Link

How I went from lifelong atheism to orthodox Catholicism

by Jeffrey Miller September 13, 2010
written by Jeffrey Miller

It is good that there is a least one eloquent former long-time atheist and Catholic convert – Jennifer Fulwiler of Conversion Diary shares her conversion story via audio. In blog years is doesn’t seem all that long ago when I was reading her blog before she had decided to become Catholic.

September 13, 2010 1 comment
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Punditry

Blessing the Koran

by Jeffrey Miller September 13, 2010
written by Jeffrey Miller

As 18 doves flew into the skies over the Cathedral of the Blessed Sacrament Saturday night, more than 100 diverse Sacramentans blessed copies of the Quran with roses of love.

Again and again they uttered the refrain, “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me” at the entrance to the downtown church framed by white statues of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. A musician with a white guitar accompanied them.

Representatives of Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, B’hai, Mormon, Sikh, Vedic Druid and Muslim beliefs read scriptures from the great religious texts – including six verses from the Quran calling for all faiths to live in harmony.

Irfan Haq, speaking on behalf of Sacramento’s Muslims, told the rose bearing crowd outside the cathedral, “On this day September 11 – this day of infamy and darkness – what we are witnessing is a new beginning for Sacramento, for America – this is the America the world needs to see.” [Source]

This is just as dumb if not dumber than burning Korans. You show religious tolerance by respecting those with other beliefs and supporting religious freedom. You show religious Indifferentism by blessing or holding sacred what you don’t believe to be either. You respect the beliefs of others because of their human dignity not necessarily because of the beliefs themselves. I am not any way offended if a non-Christian does not consider the scripture to be sacred or holy. In fact I would be more offended if they do so against their own belief.

It is especially dumb that Catholics were involved in this travesty. The Koran is the invention of either a liar, mad man, or someone demonically deceived. Islam is simply a Christian heresy that arose from the heresies of the time of Mohammad in his region and cobbled together other ideas You don’t bless heresies. You can call what is good and true in the Koran to be good and true and being a Christian heresy there are certainly those aspects in the Koran. But as a whole this book teaches error that leads people astray. Blessing a book that says that Mohammed is the last prophet and that he received his message from Archangel Gabriel is to bless lies. Catholics blessing a book that says Jesus is not divine and denies the Trinity is a rather odd target for a blessing.

I can only hope the Archdiocese did not give permission for this.

September 13, 2010 9 comments
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About Me

Jeff Miller is a former atheist who after spending forty years in the wilderness finds himself with both astonishment and joy a member of the Catholic Church. This award-winning blog presents my hopefully humorous and sometimes serious take on things religious, political, and whatever else crosses my mind.

Conversion story

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About Me

Jeff Miller is a former atheist who after spending forty years in the wilderness finds himself with both astonishment and joy a member of the Catholic Church. This award winning blog presents my hopefully humorous and sometimes serious take on things religious, political, and whatever else crosses my mind.
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  • The Curt Jester: Disturbingly Funny --Mark Shea
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  • One wag has even posted a list of the Top Ten signs that someone is in the grip of "motu-mania," -- John Allen Jr.
  • Brilliance abounds --Victor Lams
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