Michael Linton at First Things on Bible Park U.S.A.
It all makes my head spin. A New York investment fund builds a Bible Park square on the buckle of the Bible Belt. Just as they hope to profit from folks interested in rock ‘n’ roll with their Myrtle Beach funland, here they hope to profit from folks interested in the Bible. But folks are interested in the Bible because they are religious and find religious answers to religious questions in this religious book. Yet the Bible park isn’t religious; that would be bad for business, because it would jeopardize the state subsidy (remember those “lower-risk, higher-reward investment opportunities”). So the holy stories are presented as secular “history” by costumed archeologists as its evangelists.
Doesn’t seem like a very smart risk strategy to alienate the very people you are targeting. Plus there are just so many ways such an endeavor would be just plain tacky.
I would like to a truly serious effort of a Biblically based theme park and here are some things I would like to see, though maybe my ideas are not that serious either.
- Elijah Flaming Chariot Roller Coaster Ride.
- A water ride where the Red Sea splits seconds before you think you are gong to get drenched.
- Jonah’s Whale Ride.
- Noah’s Ark Petting Zoo.
- A video game section that includes a First Person Smiter with Elijah and the priests on Mt. Carmel. Literally you would have a Baal.
- An Animatronics Hall of Prophets. Though you might have to have three different Isaiah’s or more to satisfy some Biblical scholars.
- Water fountains would all be disguised as rocks.
- Manna concession stand where any food sold would only have a shelf life of one day.
- Korah Earthquake Simulator. Though I guess the Earth opening up and swallowing you for disobedience might not appeal to all.
- Goliath Slingshot Gallery.
- St. Paul Wall Basket Ride.
- Deborah and Sisera Hi-Striker. This would be just like the amusement park game where you use a mallet to ring a bell. Instead you use a mallet to strike a tent peg through Sisera’s skull as Deborah did, though definitely not for the kiddies.
Those are just for starters. Though I would love a ride based on the Book of Revelation. This would be just like the It’s a Small World Disney Ride where you are taken through a world as seen via John’s eyes. I mean starting of with an Audio-Animatronic representation of "head and his hair were white as white wool, white as snow; his eyes were like a flame of fire.." would be quite cool. With all the angels, dragons, and assorted beasts it would be quite an eyeful not to mention a lamb as it was slain and Mary as the new Tabernacle. Though I guess with all of the interpretations of Revelation and the differences between many Protestant and Catholic views I guess you would have to set up different tracks for different groups. When they bought a ticket they would have to buy a Preterist, Futurist, Historicist, or Spiritual view ticket.
The daily Via Dolorosa parade through the park with the subsequent crucifixion might be a downer for many though.
Possibly to appeal to atheists they could incorporate a Spaghetti Monster Ride or serve Primordial Soup at the concession stands. Or in areas that display Biblical passages they could use the footnotes from the USCCB’s New American Bible, which would make many atheists happy.
Also cool would be to have representation of Catholic Heaven based on the Simpsons Episode. Now that would be fun.
Please pitch your own ideas for rides.
10 comments
Speaking as a Chestertonian, I’d like to see these Christmas-based rides…
1. “Dumb Ox – aka Stand and Contemplate” – there’s more to this game than a load of straw. Degree(s) not required. (How Thomist can you get?)
2. “Get your Ass to Bethlehem” – Franciscan garb and rope belts are supplied. Set up your own live nativity. Conversion of the sultan (or city council) wins bonus points.
3. “Follow the Shepherd” – You’re a sheep, trying to get some sleep late one December night – when the sky suddenly cracks open. Follow your shepherd to a big surprise – will YOU be the one to nuzzle the Infant and His mother?
I was thinking a Cast The First Stone carnival game would be good until I realized nobody could play it.
Those visiting from out of town could stay at the Mary & Martha Bed & Breakfast. He-men could test their strength at the tomb: “roll the stone away; just a dollar a try.” Could one possibly strike it rich at the Temple of Solomon casino?
How about “Water Walking” where you walk out on a narrow beam just below the surface of the water in a long pool. Directly ahead of you is an image of Jesus. Should you change your focus to look at any of the park guests or sweet treat stands, the plank is pulled out from under you for failing to keep your eyes on Him.
Of course, an obvious souvenir stand would be one of those stalls where you can dress up like your favorite saint and have your picture taken.
Oh, and some loyal readers will request that Saintly Salsa be included at the taco stand. The picture on the bottle shows Judas leaving the Last Supper and one of the other disciples exclaiming, “While you’re out, how about picking up another jar of salsa!”
Regardless of the attractions, I feel that the only way to guarantee a genuine Christian attraction in the Bible Belt is to fore go admission fees, and instead request a “Love Offering” from all who enter.
I’ve been to the “Holy Land Experience” park in Orlando. I think you could ride a camel and do rock climbing. Otherwise it was just shows and exhibits. The quality was surprisingly high.
But after Disney World, it was kind of boring for the kids…
Check it out: http://www.theholylandexperience.com/
Love the ideas, why don’t the people who design these things ever get even half as creative?
Here’s my addition: the Burn Witch Burn! Bar-B-Q pit, with bundles of wood dressed up in black robes and hats that you can set on fire. After all, “thou shalt not suffer a witch to live”
Or, for the Nazi Streak in too many of us: the evening Book Burn, where you can finally hurl any tome you hate into the flames. I’d start with every diet book every written.
Here are some ideas. I also poked some fun at your rides on my blog.
* The Ananias and Sapphira donation machine. Wait, that didn’t turn out so well.
* Apples from Eden concession stands.
* The Lot Lottery.
* Walls of Jericho jumping thingy for the kids.
Ezekiel’s wheels-within-wheels; the fiery furnace with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego; Joseph’s dreamland (both Josephs for the price of one!); and the long ride, Life of Job.
Actually, it was Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite who nailed Sisera. (Judges 4:17-22)
Actually, the Bible doesn’t say anything about burning witches. Burning at the stake was a non-religious European capital punishment idea. IIRC, it was used on all sorts of non-witches — typically for high treason or murder of your rightful lord (which was pretty high treason). Heresy and witchcraft only got you burned where these acts were also considered treason and subversion.
This doesn’t make it any more palatable as a judicial act; but it does explain to us moderns why ballads have lord-murderers who used perfectly ordinary weapons, and not broomsticks or potions, going to the stake.
Comments are closed.