Software Consistory

VATICAN CITY (Roto Reuters) – Pope Benedict in a long awaited shakeup which was widely expected announced today a software consistory. To reorganize the curia it had been rumored that a new network was needed to replace the aging computer system used by the curia within the Vatican. Computer networks used by the Congregation Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments could not talk to computer used by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith causing miscommunication, bottlenecks, and a reduction of the collegiality index.

Speculation had been made in the past as to whether Pope Benedict XVI would appoint Microsoft Windows, Apple OS X, Sun Solaris, or an open source operating system like Linux as the official operating system. Though some have objected to OS X because in Latin the words for "apple" and for "evil" are identical (malum) and to Sun since it would only encourage anti-Catholics in accusations of worshiping Babylonian sun gods.

The memorial of St. Polycarp, Bishop was deemed appropriate for this announcement since when he was arrested by a Roman official in Smyrna he told the captain that he served Christ for eighty six years. Thus since he served Christ for so long that the new servers might serve the Vicar of Christ for at least a couple of years before technology again made the system out of date. The new system will be named the server of the server of God.

Despite steady rumors that the Vatican would use Microsoft’s Stained Glass Windows, the Pope instead announced at a special audience the selection of Red Hat Linux. The Vatican will release their own distro of Linux on April 4 the feast day of St. Isidore of Seville the proposed patron saint of computers, computer users, and computer programmer. The proposed number of servers will be set to 120 as established established by Pope Paul VI of venerated memory (c.f. Computatrum Ligamen)

The system will also provide email accounts for everyone working in and with the Vatican through Post Office Protocol Extended (POPE3) to provide interoperability and the latest generation in collegiality enabled software. The kernel will control all operations and any software that does not obey system requests will be excommunicated or offloaded via the anathema bus. A new fiber optic backbone will also be laid and the specification instituted by the Pope will ensure it is stronger than the backbone provided by most bishops.