{"id":8444,"date":"2002-12-17T16:17:55","date_gmt":"2002-12-17T21:17:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/2002\/12\/17\/signs-of-inhabitation-by-a-liturgeist\/"},"modified":"2002-12-17T16:17:55","modified_gmt":"2002-12-17T21:17:55","slug":"signs-of-inhabitation-by-a-liturgeist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/2002\/12\/signs-of-inhabitation-by-a-liturgeist\/","title":{"rendered":"Signs of inhabitation by a Liturgeist"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li>Olympic swim team tryouts are held in your baptismal font\n<li>Your church is more bleak than a Turkish prison\n<li>The only icon in the church is the picture of the Dalai Lama on the<br \/>\npriest&#8217;s stole<\/p>\n<li>The priest&#8217;s stole is any color but white, Red, Purple, Green, Old Rose,<br \/>\nGold, or black (unless used together as a plaid).<\/p>\n<li>The homilies have the depth and theological exactness of a Barney song\n<li>The music is not elevating but fit for an elevator\n<li>They use every musical instrument created but the organ\n<li>The last time you heard the word sacrifice was at a baseball game\n<li>People kneeling to receive Communion are zapped with a stun gun and taken<br \/>\noutside<\/p>\n<li>The word sister always precedes the word brother\n<li>Male pronouns have been banned by a liturgical interdict\n<li>The document &#8220;Environment and Art in Catholic Worship&#8221; is carried in and<br \/>\nheld up instead of the Bible<\/p>\n<li>Vatican II is extensively quoted but no documents of this council can be<br \/>\nfound anywhere on church grounds<\/p>\n<li>Confession is held for an hour on January 29th.\n<li>Extraordinary Eucharist Ministers are stationed at every row, if there is<br \/>\na concelebrating priest he is bound and gagged until after the EEMs are done<\/p>\n<li>Liturgical dance, enough said\n<li>Liturgeist vocabulary to watch out for includes: worship space, inclusive<br \/>\nlanguage, participation, worship environments, assembly, Easter people,<br \/>\npresider. Words never used are dogma, doctrine, Ratzinger (unless with a<br \/>\nsneer), GIRM, orthodoxy, man or mankind; if these words are used or reverence<br \/>\nis given to the Holy Father than subject is not a Liturgeist.<\/p>\n<li>Liturgeist disturbances can also be detected in the &#8220;The raising arm<br \/>\neffect.&#8221; This can be seen if the arms of Jesus have broken away from the cross<br \/>\nand are directed upwards. Depending on the intensity of Liturgeist activity<br \/>\nsometimes the cross will appear to be entirely gone. The &#8220;raising arm effect&#8221;<br \/>\ncan also be detected prior to the Our Father where peoples arms mysteriously<br \/>\nlevitate and through some magnetic force their hands become attached to those<br \/>\nnext to them. <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>If any of these Liturgeist disturbances are detected, run don&#8217;t walk to your<br \/>\nBishop. In normal circumstances the parish priest should be gone to first, but<br \/>\nonce this activity has been detected he has usually been neutralized by the<br \/>\nhypnotic effects of the Liturgeist. Your Bishop will then appoint a priest who<br \/>\nhe has given the faculties for conducting the &#8220;Rite of Liturgical Exorcism.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><i>Rite of Liturgical Exorcism<\/i><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>The Liturgical Exorcist begins with the sign of the cross, and then a<br \/>\nsprinkling of Holy Water on the Liturgeist. It has been reported that<br \/>\nLiturgeists are deathly afraid of Holy Water. This has been noticed because of<br \/>\ntheir habit of putting everything in a Holy Water Font except Holy Water.<\/p>\n<li>The Liturgical Exorcist then traces a cross on the Liturgeists forehead<br \/>\nusing the The General Instruction of the Roman Missal (GIRM). A number of<br \/>\nhelpers are required to hold the Liturgeist down since they will struggle with<br \/>\nsupernatural strength to resist the GIRM.<\/p>\n<li>At this point the Liturgeist will usually start supplicating to the spirit<br \/>\nof Vatican II for help. If they start quoting anything, the Liturgical<br \/>\nExorcist asks for a reference to an actual Vatican II document. The Liturgeist<br \/>\nwill normally show symptoms of shock at this point.<\/p>\n<li>The Liturgical Exorcist will then begin reading from James Akin&#8217;s &#8220;Mass<br \/>\nConfusion&#8221; while any of the faithful present chant &#8220;Orthodoxy.&#8221; Again, make<br \/>\nsure enough people are present to hold the Liturgeist down during this<br \/>\nreading.<\/p>\n<li>If the Liturgeists starts to calm down during the reading of &#8220;Mass<br \/>\nConfusion&#8221; and says an occasionally Amen, then the Liturgical Exorcism is<br \/>\nsuccessful. This can be verified by having the subject read from the GIRM or<br \/>\nlook at a picture of Cardinal Ratzinger with no ill effects.<\/p>\n<li>A Liturgeist with a university degree is especially hard to eradicate,<br \/>\nmuch prayer and fasting will be required.\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Olympic swim team tryouts are held in your baptismal font Your church is more bleak than a Turkish prison The only icon in the church is the picture of the&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8444","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8444","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8444"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8444\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8444"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8444"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8444"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}