{"id":7646,"date":"2003-09-01T17:13:24","date_gmt":"2003-09-01T22:13:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/2003\/09\/01\/the-curt-jester-presents\/"},"modified":"2003-09-01T17:13:24","modified_gmt":"2003-09-01T22:13:24","slug":"the-curt-jester-presents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/2003\/09\/the-curt-jester-presents\/","title":{"rendered":"The Curt Jester Presents"},"content":{"rendered":"

"Liturgy for Ignoramuses"<\/font><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
\n
Your first step to liturgical understanding<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n

Your first step is to find
\na Catholic Church to go to.<\/p>\n

In the past this was a simple procedure of driving around
\nyour neighborhood until you spotted one.<\/p>\n


\nIf you live in Rome you can still use this tactic.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n<\/td>\n

 <\/td>\n\n
<\/p>\n
The two pictures are both Catholic Churches
\nand although the eye can not normally spot the architectural
\nand design similarities, they do exist – people smarter
\nthan us tell us that it is so.
\n<\/font><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

One technique is to find a sign in the front that says "Catholic
\nChurch", if there is also a sign advertising Bingo then you have
\ncorrectly identified it.<\/p>\n

<\/font> <\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Approach the entrance
\nof your local Catholic Church<\/strong><\/font><\/td>\n		 <\/td>\nBefore entering listen closely for the strains of Marty
\nHaugen or other modern liturgical music.<\/strong><\/font><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
<\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
<\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
Emergency Church Exit Procedures<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
<\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
If detected, run don’t walk to the nearest exit.<\/font><\/td>\n <\/td>\nLook at your list of backup parishes or call
\n1-800-MASSTIME<\/font>.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
Fun Facts!<\/strong> <\/font><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
Rubrics<\/strong><\/font><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n

GIRM stands for the General Instruction of the Roman Missal.
\nThe Roman Missal is made up of two parts: The Lectionary for Mass and
\nwhat we currently call the Sacramentary, the book with prayers and
\ndirections (rubrics) for celebrating Mass.
\n<\/font> <\/p>\n<\/td>\n

 <\/td>\nContrary to popular understanding rubrics does not
\ncome from the Latin for "things to ignore during Mass" It
\nis actually from the Latin word red and is used to indicate stuff you should
\nactually do!<\/font><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
Bless yourself<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
Sign of the Cross<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Now
\nfind the Holy Water font. This can be anywhere from around three inches
\nto the size of a backyard pool.<\/font><\/td>\n		 <\/td>\n\n

While making the sign of the cross say "In the name of
\nthe Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. AMEN."
\n
\nDo not be confused by those parishioners who are able to make this sign
\nand still only move their hand a couple of inches.<\/font><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
Before the start of Mass<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
The Cantor<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Some people like to prepare themselves
\nbefore the Mass starts. Some will sit or kneel and pray silently and
\nsome will pray the Rosary.<\/p>\n

Some to prepare themselves for the greatest prayer on earth will talk and
\ngossip constantly to the person next to them.
\n<\/font><\/td>\n

 <\/td>\nThe Cantor might announce the start of the Mass and the opening hymn
\nand other hymns throughout.<\/p>\n

If you notice the Cantor moving their arms about strangely or playing weird
\ninstruments, do not be alarmed and call a psychiatric hospital. These are
\nconsidered normal behaviors for a cantor.<\/font><\/p>\n

Cantors
\nalso have the strange speech impediment where they are unable to say priest.
\nThey will use words instead like presider to overcome this problem.<\/font>
<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

\n
The Priest<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
[Introductory Rite]<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n


\nThe Mass requires either a Priest or a Bishop to be celebrated.
\nThe celebrant stands in the place of Christ for the Holy Sacrifice of
\nthe Mass. The
\npriest\/Bishop are issued in male models only. If you find the other
\nmodel- please refer to the "Emergency Church Exit Procedures<\/strong>"<\/font><\/p>\n<\/td>\n

 <\/td>\nThe priest says a greeting something like,
\n‘The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship
\nof the Holy Spirit be with
\nyou all."<\/p>\n

The people respond, "And also with you."<\/p>\n

<\/font><\/p>\n

Now if you wonder why the Latin "Et cum spiritu tuo"
\nwasn’t translated to "And with your spirit", we will come
\nto the wonderful world of ICEL
\nshortly<\/font><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
The Penitential Rite<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
The Kyrie<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n

A<\/font> time for
\nthe priest and people to reflect on their sins and express repentance
\nfor those sins. If the Confeitor prayer is used then strike your breast
\nwhen you say "through my own fault"<\/font><\/p>\n

If you are without sin like most American Catholics who
\ndon’t go to confession, then strike someone else’s breast<\/font><\/p>\n<\/td>\n

 <\/td>\n\n

A litany of mercy:
\n"Lord, have mercy.
\nChrist, have mercy.
\nLord, have mercy."<\/font><\/p>\n

Sometimes The Kyrie actually uses Kyrie such as in:<\/font><\/p>\n

"Kyrie
\neleison.
\nChriste eleison.
\nKyrie eleison."<\/font><\/p>\n

If this happens, double check that you aren’t in an SSPX
\nchapel.<\/font><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

\n
[Liturgy of the Word]<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
Feeling ICEL-ated?<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
On Sundays and other Holy Days of Obligation we will normally have a
\nreading from the Old Testament, a non-Gospel New Testament reading, and
\nthen the Gospel.
\n <\/font><\/td>\n		 <\/td>\n\n

If you are wondering about the sub par biblical translations and all
\nthe brother and sister inclusions, don’t worry about it.<\/font><\/p>\n

Back in the 60s the Church saw the rising unemployment of incompetent
\ntranslators and out of charity gave them a job on the International Commission
\non English in the Liturgy [ICEL].<\/font><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
The Gospel Reading<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
The Homily<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
The Gospel is read by someone with Holy Orders
\ni.e. Deacon\/Priest\/Bishop. Again if you detect a non-standard issuance,
\nrefer to
\nthe "Emergency Church Exit
\nProcedures<\/strong>"<\/font><\/td>\n		 <\/td>\nThe homily is based on the readings of the
\nday. As far as I have been able to determine it is an art form where
\nyou try to constantly give spiritual talks without ever using the words
\nabortion, contraception, fornication, adultery, repentance, and sin.<\/font><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
Profession of Faith – The Creed<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
What’s up with that?<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
The Nicene Creed is then recited by all of
\nthe faithful. During this part of the creed:
\n" by the power of the Holy Spirit he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became
\nman." All are to make a profound bow. At Christmas, all are to genuflect at these
\nwords.<\/font>\n<\/td>\n		 <\/td>\n\n

You might ask "Hey I am following the postures you are specifying,
\nbut I see nobody else doing them?"<\/font><\/p>\n

To learn the answer to that, it is time to meet the Liturgist.<\/font><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
The Liturgist<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
Obligatory Liturgist Joke<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/font><\/td>\nThe Liturgist has the difficult
\ntask of reading the plain words of the GIRM and then writing documents
\nand instructing others into why kneeling really means to stand up.<\/font><\/td>\n		 <\/td>\nThere is a joke that God saw that the American Church was
\nnot suffering so he gave us liturgist.<\/p>\n

Personally I would have preferred the old fashion fire and brimstone or
\na 40 day flood.<\/p>\n

<\/font><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

If you want to understand the saying "talk till you are blue
\nin the face", then try arguing with a liturgist.<\/p>\n

My suggestion if approached by a liturgist is to not listen and to nod
\npolitely as they talk and then run at your first opportunity.<\/font><\/td>\n

 <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
General Intercessions
\n(Prayer of the Faithful)<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
[Liturgy of the Eucharist]<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
The needs of the Church, community, world,
\nnation, special intentions are made to God. <\/p>\n

Someone will instruct you that the response is "Lord, hear our prayers!" We
\nmust be reminded of this each week even though the response never changes.<\/font><\/td>\n

 <\/td>\n\n

Eucharist which means thanksgiving is the heart of the entire liturgical
\ncelebration.<\/font><\/p>\n

\nPay attention, or more accurately pray attention. Unlike the apostles who
\nslept in that hour before Jesus was taken away, we are called to worship
\nduring the hour of the Mass<\/font><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
Preparation Of The Gifts <\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
Eucharistic Prayer<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n

The offering of ourselves is made symbolically by the presentation
\nof the bread and wine from the congregation. The presentation of the gifts
\nand the accompanying prayers of the priest, however, is not the offering
\nof the Mass. It is but the initial stage preparing the material for the
\nsacrifice, and the symbolic expression of uniting ourselves with the sacrifice
\nof Christ.<\/font><\/p>\n

This highly symbolic act is done by coughing up a dollar bill.
\nThe church exists outside of time and space and rules about currency inflation
\ndon’t
\nseem to apply. If a dollar was good enough for our forebears 100 years ago
\nit is good enough for us now.<\/font><\/td>\n

 <\/td>\nThe Eucharistic prayer, a prayer of thanksgiving and sanctification,
\nis the center and high point of the entire celebration.<\/p>\n

In an introductory dialog the priest invites the people to lift
\ntheir hearts to God in prayer and thanks; he unites them with Himself
\nin the
\nprayer he addresses in their name to the Father through Jesus Christ.
\nThe meaning of the prayer is that the whole congregation joins Christ
\nin acknowledging the works of God and in offering the sacrifice". <\/p>\n

<\/font><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
The Consecration<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
The Our Father<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
As Catholics we believe and confirm that when the words of
\nconsecration are said by the priest that the bread and wine are transfigured
\ninto the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Christ. The Church uses the
\ntechnical term transubstantiation to describe this process,<\/p>\n

So the next time some Gallup Poll representative asks you a question about
\nthe Eucharist, please answer correctly.<\/font><\/td>\n

 <\/td>\n\n

Contrary to what the Diocese of Cleveland has put out
\nthis is not the correct posture during the Our Father.<\/font><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
Kiss of Peace
\n(Grip
\nand Grin)<\/strong>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
Holy Communion<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
This is the part of the Liturgy
\nwhere males test their hand shake abilities and see if they can cause
\nmajor nerve damage in the
\nhand of the recipient.<\/p>\n

Others practice their hugging skills and see if they can hug everybody
\nwithin fifty feet.<\/p>\n

<\/font><\/td>\n

 <\/td>\n\n

After the Agnus Dei, who is not related to
\nAC\/DC’s guitarist Agnus Young, and the breaking of the bread – the
\nfaithful receive
\nHoly
\nCommunion. <\/p>\n

The Bishops have issued
\nguidelines<\/a> on who can receive communion.<\/font><\/p>\n

If you want to know if you can receive communion kneeling and you have
\ntwenty hours to spare, then read the debate between Rerum
\nNovarum<\/a> and
\nSecretAgentMan’s
\nDossier<\/a>.<\/font><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
Concluding Rite<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
What about singing?<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n

This is the part of the Mass
\nwhere the great commission is announced "Go out into the whole world
\nand have coffee and donuts."<\/font><\/p>\n

This part of the liturgy is also used to determine those who have birthdays,
\nanniversaries, and who are from out of town.<\/font>\n<\/p>\n<\/td>\n

 <\/td>\nAs Catholics we don’t have to worry about
\nsinging. If they had wanted us to sing they would not have chosen songs
\nin the vocal range of dolphins and whales, but could’ve chosen songs
\nin the normal human range.<\/font><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
 <\/td>\n <\/td>\n <\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
Some things to remember<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n
 <\/td>\n\n
The gates of Hell will not prevail upon the Church<\/font><\/strong><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
As you go to Masses offered by
\ndifferent parishes do not be surprised at the unconformity of how the
\nMass is celebrated.
\nDo not be surprised at silly homilies and irreverent parishioners. Just
\ntry to pray and remember Jesus’ promise<\/font>.
\n<\/td>\n		 <\/td>\n\n
<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/table>\n

This post was inspired (blatantly ripped off) from the both The Lemon<\/a> and Victor Lams<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

"Liturgy for Ignoramuses" Your first step to liturgical understanding Your first step is to find a Catholic Church to go to. In the past this was a simple procedure of…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7646","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7646","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7646"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7646\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7646"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7646"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.splendoroftruth.com\/curtjester\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7646"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}