L-Mart

 

At L-Mart we are here to make your Lent the best Lent ever. Other stores advertise to invoke your materialistic side. To buy what you don’t need with money you probably don’t have. Here at L-Mart our goal is your growth holiness and to grow in perfection to do what Our Lord and Savior continually calls us to.

Though at times there seem to be people in your parish that are working against you by depriving yourself of sacramentals and other aids to worship. This time of year is associated with Holy Water fonts going dry and other odd happenings which through good intentions are aimed to help you, but seriously miss there mark.

We at L-Mart to aid you from griping and complaining about such actions and take the positive approach by providing you with items to overcome unnecessary deprivations and other items to aid you. So check out our all new products for 2008 along with some of the classics you have come to love at L-Mart.

Main
Services
Gifts
Spiritual Reading
Sacramentals
Reference
C&E Catholic Calendar $9.99
DThis is the perfect gift for your Catholic friends you only see at Mass on Christmas, Easter, or maybe Ash Wednesday.

Sundays and other Holy Days of Obligation are well marked with helpful reminders such as:

“Jesus is in the Eucharist waiting for you on other days besides Christmas and Easter.”

“Adding one more hypocrite to the pews won’t hurt anything – so come join in – you just might find the narrow path.”

“Did you know there are 51 Sundays you can go to Mass in the year besides Easter?”

Enemies List $0.0
What better time than during Lent to start an enemies list. The open-source  multi-platform Enemies List is a great tool to enter and keep track of your enemies.

Jesus called us to love our enemies and to do good toward those who persecute you.  So with Enemies List you can track your enemies and subsequently set up reminders to pray for them, commits acts of sacrifice for them, and to do good for them when you can.

Some great features includes Groups where you can import default lists of enemies such as Pro-Abortion Politicians with one click.  Unfortunately there are so many of them it makes it hard to pray for each on individually, so the groups button is a helpful way for you to remember to do so.

There is even a Coal Fire option where you can enter what good you did for an enemy as a reminder to do so

But if thy enemy be hungry, give him to eat; if he thirst, give him to drink. For, doing this, thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head. Romans 12:20″

McDonalds Filet-O-Fish Sandwich $2.49
This Filet-O-Fish was originally introduced in Cincinnati in 1963 in response to the loss of sales on Fridays year round when Catholics did not eat meat on Fridays.

This sandwich is the perfect Lenten sacrifice.  Not only are you abstaining  from meat, but you are eating some unknown square shape fish that actively offend your taste buds. In fact eating more than one of these badboys at one sitting will really show your love for God and ability to offer sacrifice.

With the Filet-O-Fish you get the added advantage of not even eating healthily.  A penance for your arteries also.

Lentenwave $99.99
This special microwave has a  built in Lenten calendar and gas chromatography  to detect the proteins used in meat.  During days of abstinence the Lentenwave will not allow you to warm up meat products.   So if you are prone to forget or have problems abstaining the Lentenwave  perfect accessory for you.

For those who want to abstain correctly but have problems doing so the Impatient Mode is for you.  Simply place a meat product in the Lentenwave and select the Impatient mode button and the meat product will automatically start cooking at 12:01 am when the day of abstinence is over.

On days of  fast the Lentenwave will analyse the amount of food cooked to ensure one regular meal and two lesser meals compared to your normal intake. It can even be set to nag mode with comments like “Do you really think Lobster and Jumbo Shrimp is all that sacrificial?”

Detach-ment $14.99
Detach-Ment works the opposite of normal cement products that helps to attach two things together. Detach-Ment helps you to detach yourself from undue affections and from sensate satisfactions so that everything is properly ordered to God.

Use the included brush included in the cap to brush on detach-ment from an item or person you are disorderly attach to. Detach-Ment is also safe to place on foods and home entertainment products!

… whether it is necessary, in order to attain this high estate of perfection, to undergo first of all mortification in all the desires, great and small, or whether it will suffice to mortify some of them and to leave others, those at least which seem of little moment. For it seems to be a severe and most difficult thing for the soul to be able to attain to such purity and detachment that it has no will and affection for anything. But you will be surprised at how a dab of Detach-Ment will help your assent to Mt. Carmel. -St. John of the Cross.

Tongue Suppressor $9.99 pack of 20
The Book of Psalms tells us:

I said, “I will guard my ways, that I may not sin with my tongue;
I will bridle my mouth, so long as the wicked are in my presence.

You love all words that devour, O deceitful tongue

Do you sometimes have problems bridleing your tongue and find yourself saying things you soon regret and with the Psalmist “Deliver me, O LORD, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue.” and refer this to your own tongue?

If so you will love Tongue Suppressors which help to suppress those words you soon regret. Each Tongue Suppressor is coated with our patented tongue guard formula and in no time you will “Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.” and soon your “Tongue will sing of thy word, for all thy commandments are right.”

Charity Checker #22.99
Are you a blogger or commenter and find that sometimes in enthusiastic defense of the faith you go a little overboard in attacking others personally instead of setting forth arguments to defend the Church? If so you will love this new browser plugin “Charity Checker” that works with your favorite browser and can even incorporate itself into blogger, MT, or WordPress. Also works great outside of Lent.
Ashes Plug $17.99
On Ash Wednesday and the first Sunday of Lent often you will be subjected to that so-called hymn that borders on heresy named Ashes. As soon as the music starts for this song and before you hear those Pelagianism words “We rise again from ashes to create ourselves anew.” the Ashes Plug technology kicks in and blocks the offending “hymn” and stops blocking as soon as it ends.
Computer Soulsaver $13.49
Do you want to expand your prayer life and to make intercessory prayers, but you never seem to have the time because you spend too much time on the computer? Well the Soulsaver works just like a screensaver and comes up at programmed times blocking the computer screen until you finish those intercessory prayers you have been meaning to do.
Confession Reminder $22.99
The electronic confession reminder is the perfect tool to help you remember the last time you went to confession and when you should go next. After a month passes the alarm starts to slowly beep and if a year passes a piercing alarm sounds to remind that you really need to get to confession. So no more fumbling to remember the last time you went to confession and you can now tell father exactly the last date and time you went.

Included is a handy countdown display to easily track how many Hail Mary’s Our Father’s, etc you were given to say for penance.

El Castillo Interior Detector $34.99
Do you ever wonder if you have ever made spiritual progress considering all of the Lents you have gone through in life? Have you ever wondered exactly what mansion of Saint Teresa of Avila’s Interior Castle you are in? Are you still in the basement of the castle accompanied by numerous reptiles which disturb your peace or have you gone from aridity in prayer to sweetness in prayer or even the prayer of union or beyond? Well now you can know for sure with El Castillo Interior Detector. Just hold it in front of yourself and watch the meter as it points between the range of the first mansion and the seventh.

If the meter seems stuck on the first mansion this is not the fault of the detector, which requires no batteries, but in yourself.

Warning: Do not attempt to point this device at other people to see where there are at or your own mansion level will immediately drop. If you must make comparisons make sure they are only between Christ and yourself.

Portable Font $7.99
On Ash Wednesday does your parish remove the Holy Water from all the fonts? Do they replace it with marbles, sands, twigs, or basically any object but Holy Water? If so check out the Portable Font. Easily collapses and fits in your pocket. While traveling the water won’t link, but with just one twist of our patented lid you can then dip your fingers and bless yourself. Holds enough water for you and your family.
Lenten X-Ray $19.99
Some parishes start covering statues, images, and crosses on the first day of Lent instead of at least waiting till after the fourth Sunday of Lent or Holy Week. If your parish deprives you early of these worship aids then but a pair of our Lenten X-Ray Vision glasses. We use the same technology used in the new airport security scanner that can see right through clothes and brought to you at an affordable price. Now obviously it would be quite problematic and a deterrent to holiness to see through every bodies clothes. That is why our product has built-in Infrared technology so that the glasses capability is turned off in area where human body heat is detected. This way you can see right through the material covering statues, images, and crosses and also remain pure at the same time.
Stations of the Cross Viewmaster $14.98
Does your parish have a real abstract set of the Stations of the Cross. As you go from station to station is your first meditation “What the heck is this suppose to represent.” That some wannabe Picasso has managed to con your parish. That without the text at the bottom of them you would have no clue as to meaning of the station?

If so you will love the Stations of the Cross Viewmaster. Each set comes with 14 awesome images which through the latest 3D technology look so real you will think you are in one of the more beautiful churches in Rome.

Inward Binoculars $79.99
Are you in the habit of fault watching? Where you watch others and catalog their faults like the most obsessive detail-oriented bird watcher?

Then you need the Inward Binoculars. Instead of training your eyes on others these Binoculars focus inward to reveal your faults. First start at the lowest magnification levels since it is more than likely your faults will be easily seen at this level. As you progress in the spiritual life you can increase the magnification. The fault comparison algorithm is not computed on others compared to yourself, but yourself compared to Jesus. The inward binoculars work best when you keep your eyes on Jesus.

Sacred Heart Monitor $279.99
Is your will united with the Sacred Heart of Jesus? Does your heart beat with the will of Christ or is there little synchronization?

With the Sacred Heart Monitor you will know for sure. If the signal is flat lined you might not have the leads connected correctly. If you do and it is still flat lined it means your prayer life is dead. If this symptom is detected resuscitate your prayer life immediately with prayer. Reading the Gospels is highly recommended to jump start your heart and prayer life.

Yuck Spice $2.99
Are you one of those people who just love seafood and find abstinence from meat something not anyway penitential? If you fit into this category you will love to hate Yuck Spice.

Yuck Spice is a very unpleasant seasoning you sprinkle on your seafood or salad if you are a vegetarian. This makes your normally enjoyable meal quite penitential and much more fitting with the season.

Snack Patch $14.99
Have you made a Lenten commitment to give up all snacks during Lent yet in years past you have always failed to keep this resolution?

Introduction the Snack Patch. Each pack contains amounts of all the normal crap you read on the ingredients of most snack food of additives, preservatives, color additives, emulsifiers, etc. Each week you change your patch and each week it contains less and less of your normal snack chemical soup you so love.

Sackcloth T $17.99
Have you ever wanted to try out sackcloth, but just weren’t sure how it was done properly?

If you answered yes you are a candidate for the Sackcloth T the finest in penitential undershirts and you can get them monogrammed. People might give you strange looks as you constantly scratch your upper body, but they won’t know your wearing sackcloth under your work shirt.

If you want something more fashionable then you can also order are sackcloth hoodies.

Ash Wednesday Stencil $2.99
Are you one of the millions that go to Ash Wednesday services only to come away with the sign of the smudge? Disappointed once again that you don’t have a distinctive cross on your forehead. That when your co-workers see you they offer you a napkin or tell you got some grease on your forehead?

Well this will never happen again if you have the Ash Wednesday Stencil. Simply remove the film on the stencil and attach the adhesive side to your forehead before ashes are distributed. After ashes are applied remove the stencil to have that perfect cross revealed.

While it is too late to use this product this year, order now so that next year you won’t get smudged.

Lenten Resolution Tablet $22.99
Do you want to write down your Lenten resolutions to help to remind you to keep them, yet don’t want to make them too permanent? The Lenten Resolution is perfect for people who have to keep downshifting their resolution.

If you start with “Pray 30 minutes a day” and then after a week found you didn’t make it, then simply shake the Lenten Resolution tablet and put “Pray 20 minutes a day.” Shake all you want. Our tablet can take it even when you get down to “Pray 5 minutes a day.”

At L-Mart we have these and many other great products to ensure you have a Holy Lent and to prepare yourself for the best Easter yet!

With every order you also get our great two-step infallible guide to growth in holiness.

1. Love God with your whole heart, soul, mind, and strength.
2. Love your neighbor as yourself.

…Repeat as necessary.

* The sackcloth undershirt was provided courtesy of Alive and Young.

  8 Responses to “L-Mart”

  1. Does the Confession Reminder come with a Mortal Sin detector to let you know to get to confession rightaway?

  2. [...] Suggestions for your lenten wish list. From the inimitable Curt Jester. [...]

  3. Get with the times, you need a Sackcloth Snuggie. :-D

  4. [...] added some new items to my L-Mart Lenten Superstore [...]

  5. The sad thing is, I could really use some of these items if they really existed

  6. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time, maybe ever. Obviously I need to get out more, but I love it. Makes me proud to be Catholic! (The good kind of proud, that is!)

  7. Highly recommended “products” . And it’s not made in China ! Better than griping about present-day ridiculous parish practices (e.g. dried-up holy water fonts, covered holy images, etc) is to smile and pray for the shepherds of the Holy Mother Church. God Bless

  8. [...] third off, there’s nothing cartoonish about my parody of the catholic faith. wait, that’s not right; i mean, just because i’m being cartoonish doesn’t mean that this is a parody. scratch that one, too; what i’m trying to say is, um, i’m rubber and you’re glue? i say let’s leave the parodies to the modernists [...]

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