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I am a Catholic and I am anti-slavery. I deplore slavery and have been an active part of the abolitionist movement. But this November of the year of Our Lord 1860 I am voting for Stephen A. Douglas.

Now I know my announcement will befuddle many Catholics who think that Abraham Lincoln is the only possible choice if you are truly as anti-slavery as I say I am. Some of my friends ask me how can I possibly support Senator Douglas when he was largely responsible for the Compromise of 1850 and supported the Dred Scott Supreme Court decision of 1857?

Though Senator Douglas does not regard a slaveholding society as one whit inferior to a free society I think he is the best choice to reduce slavery. The Kansas-Nebraska Act of 1854 proves that he is pro-choice on the issue of slavery since the act allowed these new states coming into the union to make up their own mind as to whether slavery should be allowed in their territory. He lets the people in the state decide as to whether slavery is moral or immoral. Surely this will limit slavery and as we work for a more just society more and more slaveowners will decide to reduce the number of slaves they own. Just because Sen. Douglas has invoked racist rhetoric and accused Lincoln of supporting black equality which he believes the authors of the Declaration of Independence did not intend, does not mean that he is pro-slavery. Even supporters of slavery can be conflicted about slavery and whether blacks are equal to us or not and we should work to move to a society where slavery is safe, legal, and rare. Plus it is not true to call him pro-slavery. He is for the choice of slavery and people can decide on their own whether they want to become slaveowners or not. Shouldn't we let people make their own choices on this issue? Do we really want to legislate morality? Now as a Catholic I personally believe that slavery is wrong, but lawmakers need to represent the people.

Catholics should not be single issue voters and let slavery dominate the discussion. Human dignity and the acceptance of the government of human rights is just one issue of many. What about economic and other social justice issues? The election of Lincoln could even lead to civil war. Do we want a president whose "personal" moral code could lead us to war with all of the horrific deaths that could result? Plus if a war does start no doubt someone like Mr Lincoln would infringe on our civil liberties by suspending the right of Habeas Corpus.

This year the best choice to reduce slavery is to vote Sen. Douglas.

Signed Douglas Kmiec

This has been a bad election year with unsatisfactory candidates. We have one candidate who supports abortion, infanticide in some cases, ESCR, cloning, euthanasia, and homosexual marriage. And the other candidate supports ESCR. So while I vote for the greatest good I was pretty happy to find that I now have another choice in this election and I totally endorse them. I will let this video make the case for me.

Now that Nancy Pelosi's spokesman issues a statement in response to the slew of statements about her misrepresenting Church teaching on abortion.

Father Z posts the statement and responds Madame Speaker, you can't reduce the Church's teaching to a 1500 year old sound bite which you don't understand.

Maureen at Aliens in This World takes a look at the Latin of what St. Augustine said and gives us a translation and some analysis. Democrats constantly complain about what they say being taken out of context, but that is what is done with the passage Pelosi's spokesman gave.

With St. Augustine's feast day coming up on Thursday and his mothers St. Monica is tomorrow it is an opportune time to pray for their intercession for Speaker Pelosi. St. Augustine was a bit confused on the moral law himself at one time before his conversion.

Though all of this appealing to St. Augustine is rather odd in the first place. For one she supports partial birth abortion which is way passed the timeline for when St. Augustine thought that the fetus was vivified anyway (males 30 days and females at 90 days.) As Fr. Z asks does she accept that also since St. Augustine held it?

Oh well I am just waiting for her exegesis on St. Jerome, St. Ignatius of Antioch, St. John Chrysotom and other Church Fathers.

No doubt it will sell more copies than her last book.

HAMMONTON -- The 16th of July is a special day in this predominately Italian town in western Atlantic County.

A tradition started 133 years ago continued here last Wednesday as a solemn procession paid homage to the Blessed Mother during the feast day of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel.
    
A statue of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel was ushered out of St. Joseph Church on Third Street shortly after 4 p.m., the last of more than a dozen statues wheeled through the streets.

For about three hours, the procession continued on streets surrounding the church.

Joe and Gina Mastazi of Paulsboro have come to feast day for the past 27 years. As in the past, they were easy to spot, clad in their red, white and green outfits.

"Ten years ago, my mother died on the morning of the feast day. The last thing she said to me was to put $10 on the Blessed Mother for me," said Joe Mastazi, who scoped out a nice shady area two blocks down from the church. "It makes it even more important."

Gina remembered coming to the festival as a child with her parents. She recalled enjoying watching the procession go by, something she enjoyed again this year.

"I didn't like the rides too much," Gina said.

Though the crowd for the beginning of the procession was sparse, the festival area quickly filled up around 7 p.m. as hundreds of visitors converged to enjoy the festivities and the 10 p.m. fireworks show.

"It was just unbelievable," said George Campanella, president of the Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Society, the group that organizes the weeklong celebration here each July. "Maybe it was the economy, the price of gas. It was just great to have that many people back here. Hopefully, they'll be back here when we have the 134rd celebration next year."

The feast is the longest- running religious celebration of its type in the country. It's a tradition around here and one that the Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Society, the group of 50 men that organizes the celebration, takes pride in keeping alive.

I for one would like to see some Carmel themed rides.

1. Dark Night of the Soul roller coaster.  This could be one of those indoor covered rides like Space Mountain and so totally dark inside.  I could easily imagine a purification of the senses section and to finish the ride you have to love God without any spiritual benefits.  Though the ride could be quite long for most of us.
2. Ascent of Mt. Carmel ride.  You ride to the top of Mt. Carmel with a light guiding you on a happy night where you leave your cares "forgotten among the lilies."
3. The Interior Castle Funhouse.  The seven mansions of the interior castle have quite the potential to offer interesting experiences.  Obviously the the gate by which to enter the Interior Castle Funhouse  is prayer and meditation. The first mansion is full of a thousand preoccupations and you slowly move onward to the last mansion if God has given you the grace to do so.
4. St. Therese Ball.  You enter one of those old American Gladiator steel cage balls where you get kicked, thrown to the ground, left in a corner, or pressed to Jesus' heart.
5. The concessions would obviously be Karmel Candy and Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity Chocolate *.

I would certainly invest in such an effort and would be sure to buy St. Simon Stock in it.

* Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity suffered from Addison's disease and as a result could only eat certain things.  One of them was quite a penance to her Carmelite soul in that she often had to sustain herself using chocolate.

LAKELAND, Fla. - Todd Bentley believes God acts through him to cure cancer, heal the deaf and raise the dead.

So do hundreds of thousands of people who have visited his raucous revival meeting, now in its third month and broadcast nightly from a huge tent in the middle of Florida.

The 32-year-old Canadian, tattooed to the fingers and neck, puts a palm to the forehead of the sick, desperate and faithful. Bentley yells "Bam!" they collapse and he proclaims them cured. Attendees dance in the aisles, shout to Heaven, laugh, shake violently and cry.

If Christians are going to follow the Food Network as a lead than I least propose that we have:

• Iron Theologian.  Each week two theologians face off in the debate arena to determine whose theology reigns supreme or more accurately whose theology more illuminates the supreme being.
• 30 Minute Catechesis: Each week the host Viva Christo Rey goes through the Catechism.  Viva is talented at presenting the faith in bite size chunks.
• Grape Expectations: Reviews of sacramental wine are presented each week.
• License to Grill: Hosted by St. Lawrence.
• $40 a Day: A show about how to actually run a parish when parishioners only throw a buck in the collection box.

By now I am sure that you have heard that the US bishops rejected the proposed translation of Roman Missal.  I do have an exclusive thought.  The bishops have sent along some guidance to the International Commission for English in the Liturgy (ICEL) as to what would be acceptable. The following are some actual example pages shown.

Along with some rubrics for the GIRM.

Bishop Trautman called the sample changes "Great for both John and Mary Catholic and Dick and Jane Catholic." Catholic blogger Father Z called these proposals ineffable and that he would rather be strung up on a gibbet than use this translation for Mass.

WASHINGTON (Roto Reuters) -- Democrat Barack Obama said Saturday he had quit his twenty year plus relationship with a Chicago church after months of controversy over racially laced pulpit rhetoric that still threatens to tarnish his White House hopes.

The Illinois senator said he and his wife Michelle were withdrawing from the 8,000-strong congregation of the Trinity United Church of Christ, following a new uproar over a priest's mocking attack on his rival Hillary Clinton.

"This is not a decision I come to lightly, and frankly it is one I make with some sadness," said Obama, who was welcomed into Christianity by the church's former pastor Jeremiah Wright two decades ago.

"I have no idea how it will impact my presidential campaign. I know it's the right thing to do for the church and for our family," said the Democratic front-runner. "The recent episode with Father (Michael) Pfleger reinforced that view that we don't want to have to answer for everything that is stated in a church," Obama told reporters in South Dakota.

The Senator then went on to tell reporters that he is currently in the hunt for a new church to attend. "I am currently leaning towards an Amish or any Anabapist congregation. I really like the idea of them not using electricity, especially in their churches. No cell phone cameras, no live streaming of church services and events, no greatest sermons DVDs, and no possibility of something showing up on YouTube seems to be a definite plus for me. Though I am open to other options. So if you are a pastor of a totally non-controversial church please contact my staff."

Paul Cat at the always funny blog Alive and Young let me know about the YAZ: Step up and go beyond contest. YAZ is a contraceptive that not only works to prevent babies, helps with pre-menstrual emotional problems, cures acne, and makes people like you! The contest is looking for talented designers to create a new YAZ Pill Pack. Well since I have always been willing to lend a hand to marketing for Planned Parenthood and other outfits her are my submissions.

I have a new post up at the group parody blog Stuff Catholics like called Holy, Holy Holy.

Speaking of group Catholic parody blogs there is a new kid on the block called: Brothers and Sisters of Perpetual Discernment and it is off to a fine start. Like any good parody blog it serves a dual purpose in that while providing a humorous take on the discernment of a vocation it also teaches the truth of this process along the way. There is always room for another parody blog, especially one that I am not part of.

Do you go to Eucharist Adoration on a regular basis and yet don't feel that you are advancing as much in sanctity that you would want to? You try to be humble before the Lord and just let him speak to you through silence and his awesome sacramental presence, but if just does not seem to be enough?

If so don't worry since this is a common experience. Now in the spiritual life there are not any real shortcuts to holiness. Prayer and reception of the sacraments are of course necessary first steps. Confession on a regular schedule and receiving the Eucharist will of course keep you on the road to holiness as long as the life you are living is not putting a lie to your piety.

But when it comes to Eucharistic Adoration you would like to give yourself a boost. In your daily life you develop blockages to the power of the sacrament and so what you need is something to reduce those blockages of venial sin and to promote Eucharistic Adoration and being more like Jesus. What you need is a formula with Sacrament Promotion Factor (SPF). The higher the SPF rating of a formula the better.

Introducing Copertino's Son Tanning Lotion with SPF 50!

Son Tanning yourself before the expose Blessed Sacrament is a great way to start you day or end your day or actually pretty much any part of the day.

Whether you kneel before the Blessed Sacrament or prostrate yourself before Jesus our Son Tanning lotion will ensure that every nook and cranny of your soul will be adequately covered. No uneven Son Tanning like with cheaper formulas.

With Copertino's Son Tanning Lotion you will soon be going beyond reading devotional books during Eucharistic Adoration to silent prayer rapt in adoration of our Lord and Savior.

Now if you start to develop dryness in prayer - don't blame us - this is just a sign that you are actually advancing in the spiritual life.

You can also buy our Copertino's Son Tanning Lotion with caffeine for those three in the morning sessions before the Blessed Sacrament that no one else want to sign up for.

You will never get burned when Son Tanning and it might even help to prevent you from burning forever!

So next time you go to Adoration bring Copertino's Son Tanning Lotion with you. You will be glad you did.

The Arizona senator, who was raised an Episcopalian, has attended North Phoenix for nearly two decades, but is not a member because he has not been baptized into the church.

On Wednesday, he told reporters that he had been baptized in Panama, where he was born, and talked about a photo in his memoirs of himself as a baby in a baptismal gown, with his father and grandfather.

"It's like a dress," he chuckled.

But he was more guarded about his current plans with regard to baptism, calling them "a private thing."

"I've been in discussions with Pastor Yeary, and we'll continue those discussions," he said. "It's a personal thing, it's a very personal thing concerning my faith and I am proud of my faith, I am proud of my belief and the sustenance and the redemption that I have received.

"And my faith was tested in extraordinary fashion and it was my faith that got me through not the next day, or the next hour but the next minute."

I remember reading media reports before saying he was not baptized which seemed doubtful to me considering that he was raised Episcopalian. I do find it ironic how wrong Baptists get baptism though. That they don't baptize infants and that many Baptists rebaptize. So much for one faith, one baptism, etc. But I guess if you believe that baptism is just a token of salvation and a testimony of faith then rebaptisms comes as no surprise. But it sounds suspiciously to me like St. Paul asking "were you baptized in the name of Paul" when you try to make denominations differences in regards to baptism.

You know you are trying to be more serious about your faith and the the first step is prayer, yet every time you try to pray you easily get distracted. You can't even go from the Hail to the Mary without thinking about something not exactly pious. It seems to you that every time you sit down to try to pray fervently you spend more time distracted then actually talking with God.

You have heard about the four types of prayer: Adoration, Contrition, Thanksgiving, and Supplication and wonder if it is just you that has the fifth type - Distracted Prayer? You will be glad to hear that it is just not you that suffers with distracted prayer. In fact reports show that 10 out of 10 people who pray end up being distracted.

Distraction is prayer is known in the spiritual director field as Prayer Attention Deficit Disorder (PADD) or Supplication Attention Deficit (SAD) and is a birth defect caused by original sin. Since Adam and Eve only Jesus and Mary have not had to deal with Prayer Attention Deficit Disorder.

But you ask "Now that I know what the problem is how do I deal with it?"

That is where St. Johnson and St. Johnson's steps in with the latest pharmaceutical wonder. Our patented ingredients help to put your daily life behind you and to help you to concentrate while praying.

You can find information on our new product Ridalin on television or the sample ad below in your favorite magazine.

Ridalin should be taken with plenty of repentance and can be used when operating heavy machinery, though we recommend using it with the Rosary or other devotions instead. Ridalin can be mixed with sacraments and this is the recommended practice. Ridalin is not recommended for those not serious about living the Christian life and can cause severe reactions when combined with hypocrisy.

Reading many of the articles in anticipation of the Pope's visit to America I notice much the same journalistic boilerplate that was used in the Pope's visit to South America. The divided flock template along with the supposed tension of a doctrinal defender being pastoral. Like the phony Church versus science divide they also see it as impossible to both believe in dogma and to take in pastoral concerns. After reading one of the better profile pieces posted at Creative Minority Report I wondered how the modern journalist would have written a piece on Jesus two thousands years ago. The following contains boilerplate that I lifted from a couple articles and massaged accordingly.

JERUSALEM (Roto Reuters) In Yeshua's visit this Sunday to Jerusalem he will find a flock wrestling with what the coming of the Messiah means.

The younger generation considers the Messiah important, but many such as the zealots want a larger role in the coming kingdom. Many others want a greater say in how the Temple and the Synagogues operate.

Many Rabbis trying to balance their Jewish identity with the influx of Greek and Roman culture into the land end up catching grief from both the Sadducees and the Pharisees.

Despite these divisions, Jews from across the Diaspora and spectrum of belief are excited by Yeshua's visit. Though many have a difficult time trying to get a handle on this so-called Messiah and he appears to be a mass of contradictions. Yeshua has been heard enforcing adherence to traditional Jewish doctrines and has even taken them a radical step farther by condemning divorce and even saying that to sin in your thoughts is the same as actually breaking a commandment given to us by Moses. He even said that divorce was given by Moses because of "hardness of heart" and that it was not so from the beginning. While at the same time taking the hard line on various doctrines and sending out his disciples to do the same, he has also been known to take a more pastoral approach by eating with sinners and has even taking a tax collector among his disciples and even gone so far as calling us to "love our enemies" - Samaritans included.

"I think he's going to come in and try to inspire. As Messiah, he's really taken the positive track on a lot of issues. I don't think there's any reason he wouldn't continue to do so now," said a ruler who knows him and was instructed by him but does not want to be identified.

Residents of Israel don't know much about Yeshua. But surveys conducted ahead of his visit found three-quarters of Jews view him favorably. They are clamoring to see him and many plan to greet him with Palm branches. Some though dispute the various surveys conducted and think that the people are quite fickle on this subject and might change their opinion even within a weeks time. One survey conducted asking who they thought Yeshua was showed that "Some say John the Baptist, others say Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets."

There has also been much concern over a speech that is rumored to be made in front of the Temple and many predict a "stern message" and a "rebuke" to members of this priestly group. Some feel that the Sadducees have become too secular and have betrayed their Jewish faith by not adhering to traditional Jewish teaching. More and more parents are concerned about sending their children to the Temple for instruction since this priestly group denies life after death. The Sadducees using form criticism and other modern tools only hold to the Torah and deny the prophetic books usually included in scripture by others.

But young adult Jews are fed up with the fight, according to Jonah bar Joseph, a sociologist of religion who studies Jerusalem Jews.

"They've become very impatient, and probably rightly so, with older generations, who see everything in terms of Pharisee-Sadducee, Sadducee-Pharisee, who they see as sometimes enjoying the ideological battle, even if it doesn't get them anywhere," Jonah bar Joseph said. "Problems aren't being solved, but people are yelling at one another."

One visit by this so-called Messiah Yeshua won't solve the problems of Jerusalem But by coming here., he can show Jews— even briefly — what it might be like to be truly united by faith.

Happy news and not an April Fools joke in any way.  Catholic satirist Maureen Martin of the catholicnews.org blog is back and she has several hilarious parody stories published on InsideCatholic.com.  These are so funny!

She also has some newer posts on her blog.

As a Trekkie the Pope has some work to do on his "Live long and prosper" hand gesture.

Well as John C. Write wrote "If Vulcans had a church, they'd be Catholics." Though they might say instead "Live long and proper and die in a state of grace.

Hat Tip to the Shrine of the Holy Wrapping for finding the original image and wanting a Star Trek theme to go with it.

Plus maybe this explains the pulpit, lectern, and chair design for the Pope's visit to America.

Update: The Shrine of the Holy Whapping has a bunch of Pope Benedict Star Trek pictures.

NEW YORK - One of the many gifts Pope Benedict will receive when he arrives in New York City next month will be a skateboard designed by a local child.

The Archdiocese of New York is holding a contest this spring to see who could design the best "Official Papal Skateboard" for the 80-year-old pontiff.

About 70 children entered the competition. A winner has yet to be picked.

The idea for the contest came from a youth skateboarding club at St. Elizabeth's Church in Manhattan.

American Papist previously posted on the contest for the official Papal Skateboard and you can see the individual submissions here.

Now you might see the idea of a skateboard contest for the Pope to be rather silly especially with the stereotype of skaters being rebellious, non-conforming youth. But the Pope receives lots of gifts he wouldn't personally have much use for, but amazingly this is not true in this case and I  have a world exclusive.

The above is a never before seen picture showing the Pope coming off of a ramp at the secretive papal skateboard park.

Word has it that it was after the Pope saw Br. Pio Maria of the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal performing and jumping over priests that he decided he would be interested in learning how to skateboard himself. Now we don't have to worry about the Pope starting to include the number eight in words in his encyclicals, wearing baggy pants, and listening to skate punk; especially since he much prefers Mozart on his iPod while skateboarding 

Here is my post from the last two years.

Of course Palm Sunday leads to:

A major part of Palm's line.

The Palm Pilate.

Recently SSPX Bishop Williamson went off on a rant againt The Sound of Music in a letter to SSPX priests  and stated regarding The Sound of Music "the mentality of sweet compassion for homosexuals and of bitter grief for Princess Di."  His review would be great parody if it was parody.

Fr. Dwight Longnecker has written a couple of real parodies which he says are from Richad Williamson film review archives and they are hillarious.

Mary Poppins

Lasssie

I must admit that I first thought Father's Mary Poppins parody was real since it caught Williamson's spirit perfectly.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg vowed today to track down and prosecute the people who set off a small explosive device in front of the military recruiting office in Times Square early this morning. "We will not tolerate these kind of acts," he said adding that the apparent targeting of the famous recruiting station is "an insult to every one of our brave men and women serving around the world."

The damage thank goodness was minor and no one was injured but the Creative Minority Reporters are now urging a slew of federal laws protecting military installations that promote the right to choose the military. CMR urges that federal extortion and racketeering laws be used against protesters at military recruiting stations -just as they were against pro-lifers. CMR hopes to bankrupt the anti-war movement by using federal anti-mob laws against protest groups, claiming that such organizations were violent criminal conspiracies.

CMR is hoping a conservative senator will sponsor a bill designed to protect military recruiters and anyone who utilized their right to choose the armed forces from violent acts by anti-military extremists. The bill will make it a federal crime to attack or blockade a military installation. The bill is called the Freedom of Access to Military Entrances Act. Anti-military protesters will also not be allowed within 150 feet of any military installation or anyone in the military for that matter and even those just wearing a uniform of any kind.

CMR worries that such anti-military violence will create a climate of fear around the country preventing men and women from their right to choose the military.

Sometimes parody is a thing of beauty and the Jester's hat is tipped to Matthew for this brilliant bit of parody commentary.

I once was a military recruiter in the state of Washington for the Navy and we certainly for the most part were not treated very kindly. I had the tires on my government car slashed and the people working in the public schools pretty much did everything they could to not be helpful. The contract we had for our office in a small retail place prohibited us from placing a sign that the recruiting station was there in the front where the other entry signs were.

Earlier this week Creative Minority Report also came up with this video.

There are some graphic scenes of the results of abortion. This is the second time that I have seen the song Mad World from the movie Donnie Darko (which I really liked) used in a pro-life video.

My parody from last year for Vestmints for those who suffer with Laetare intolerance.

Don't you just love the politics of hope? It is just so hopeful!  Combine that with change and it is perfect.  Let us hope to change and change to hope!

So let us begin with just some of the examples of hope and change that Sen. Obama promises.

In the July 17 speech, Obama attacked the Supreme Court decision that upheld the federal partial-birth abortion ban and the nomination of Supreme Court justices who favor overturning Roe v. Wade. In the speech the senator said, "There will always be people, many of goodwill, who do not share my view on the issue of choice. On this fundamental issue, I will not yield and Planned Parenthood will not yield."

Yes Partial Birth Abortion is so hopeful and a Democrat supporting it is such a change!

Can we vacuum out the brains of a child just prior to being born? Yes we can!

The senator said he had a long tradition of support for legalized abortion, citing his efforts in the Illinois State Senate and his classes as a law professor. “I have worked on these issues for decades now,” he said. “I put Roe at the center of my lesson plan on reproductive freedom when I taught Constitutional Law. Not simply as a case about privacy but as part of the broader struggle for women’s equality.”

Yes abortion in all of its glory is just so hopeful   Keeping abortion on demand as the law of the land is all about change.

And of course those evil pro-lifers who want  to destroy reproductive freedom and to remove that Constitutional right to abortion are not about hope or change at all.  Those pregnancy centers which offer help to women who find themselves in a difficult circumstance are not about hope at all.  Providing help and support to the mother and actually helping a child to be born is just not hopeful.  Supporting Planned Parenthood and others kill the child and not give a damn what happens to the mother after pays her fee and she leaves the abortion clinic is all about hope. 

But wait there is more hope!

RUSSERT: Senator Obama, any statements or vote you'd like to takeback?

OBAMA: Well, you know, when I first arrived in the Senate that first year, we had a situation surrounding Terri Schiavo. And I remember how we adjourned with a unanimous agreement that eventually allowed Congress to interject itself into that decision making process of the families. It wasn't something I was comfortable with, but it was not something that I stood on the floor and stopped. And I think that was a mistake, and I think the American people understood that that was a mistake. And as a constitutional law professor, I knew better. And so that's an example I think of where inaction...

It just makes me feel warm and fuzzy to think of all of Sen. Obama's hopefulness towards Terri Schiavo.  Can't you feel the love!  Jesus wept at Lazarus' tomb and Obama regrets not doing more to help someone die sooner.

Just too bad that Sen. Obama could not have been involved and offered the same type of hope for now 14 year old Haleigh Poutre who was on the verge of being dehydrated to death by court order and is now talking.  Let us not have such travesties of patients defying their diagnosis in the future and let us share some Terri Schiavo style Obama hope for people with cognitive difficulties. 

Abortion, euthanasia, cloning and killing, and using embryonic human beings for research are all about hope!

Catholic Answers Action lists five non-negotiables as abortion, euthanasia, ESCR, human cloning, and homosexual marriage. Wow he gets a perfect five of five and certainly he will be non-negotiable on these issues.  And what about his hopeful support of infanticide? A natural for the Catholic vote.

For my part I hope that he repents and changes his culture of death positions.

I have updated my L-Mart parody to include new products for the 2008 Lenten season.

Main Services Gifts Spiritual Reading Sacramentals Reference At L-Mart we are here to make your Lent the best Lent ever. Other stores advertise to invoke your materialistic side. To buy what you don't need with money you probably don't have. Here at L-Mart our goal is your growth holiness and to grow in perfection to do what Our Lord and Savior continually calls us to. Though at times there seem to be people in your parish that are working against you by depriving yourself of sacramentals and other aids to worship. This time of year is associated with Holy Water fonts going dry and other odd happenings which through good intentions are aimed to help you, but seriously miss there mark. We at L-Mart to aid you from griping and complaining about such actions and take the positive approach by providing you with items to overcome unnecessary deprivations and other items to aid you. So check out our all new products for 2008 along with some of the classics you have come to love at L-Mart. Detach-ment $14.99 Detach-Ment works the opposite of normal cement products that helps to attach two things together. Detach-Ment helps you to detach yourself from undue affections and from sensate satisfactions so that everything is properly ordered to God. Use the included brush included in the cap to brush on detach-ment from an item or person you are disorderly attach to. Detach-Ment is also safe to place on foods and home entertainment products! ... whether it is necessary, in order to attain this high estate of perfection, to undergo first of all mortification in all the desires, great and small, or whether it will suffice to mortify some of them and to leave others, those at least which seem of little moment. For it seems to be a severe and most difficult thing for the soul to be able to attain to such purity and detachment that it has no will and affection for anything. But you will be surprised at how a dab of Detach-Ment will help your assent to Mt. Carmel. -St. John of the Cross. Tongue Suppressor $9.99 pack of 20 The Book of Psalms tells us: I said, "I will guard my ways, that I may not sin with my tongue; I will bridle my mouth, so long as the wicked are in my presence. You love all words that devour, O deceitful tongue Do you sometimes have problems bridleing your tongue and find yourself saying things you soon regret and with the Psalmist "Deliver me, O LORD, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue." and refer this to your own tongue? If so you will love Tongue Suppressors which help to suppress those words you soon regret. Each Tongue Suppressor is coated with our patented tongue guard formula and in no time you will "Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit." and soon your "Tongue will sing of thy word, for all thy commandments are right." Charity Checker #22.99 Are you a blogger or commenter and find that sometimes in enthusiastic defense of the faith you go a little overboard in attacking others personally instead of setting forth arguments to defend the Church? If so you will love this new browser plugin "Charity Checker" that works with your favorite browser and can even incorporate itself into blogger, MT, or Wordpress. Also works great outside of Lent. Ashes Plug $17.99 On Ash Wednesday and the first Sunday of Lent often you will be subjected to that so-called hymn that borders on heresy named Ashes. As soon as the music starts for this song and before you hear those Pelagianism words "We rise again from ashes to create ourselves anew." the Ashes Plug technology kicks in and blocks the offending "hymn" and stops blocking as soon as it ends. Computer Soulsaver $13.49 Do you want to expand your prayer life and to make intercessory prayers, but you never seem to have the time because you spend too much time on the computer? Well the Soulsaver works just like a screensaver and comes up at programmed times blocking the computer screen until you finish those intercessory prayers you have been meaning to do. Confession Reminder $22.99 The electronic confession reminder is the perfect tool to help you remember the last time you went to confession and when you should go next. After a month passes the alarm starts to slowly beep and if a year passes a piercing alarm sounds to remind that you really need to get to confession. So no more fumbling to remember the last time you went to confession and you can now tell father exactly the last date and time you went. Included is a handy countdown display to easily track how many Hail Mary's Our Father's, etc you were given to say for penance. El Castillo Interior Detector $34.99 Do you ever wonder if you have ever made spiritual progress considering all of the Lents you have gone through in life? Have you ever wondered exactly what mansion of Saint Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle you are in? Are you still in the basement of the castle accompanied by numerous reptiles which disturb your peace or have you gone from aridity in prayer to sweetness in prayer or even the prayer of union or beyond? Well now you can know for sure with El Castillo Interior Detector. Just hold it in front of yourself and watch the meter as it points between the range of the first mansion and the seventh. If the meter seems stuck on the first mansion this is not the fault of the detector, which requires no batteries, but in yourself. Warning: Do not attempt to point this device at other people to see where there are at or your own mansion level will immediately drop. If you must make comparisons make sure they are only between Christ and yourself. Portable Font $7.99 On Ash Wednesday does your parish remove the Holy Water from all the fonts? Do they replace it with marbles, sands, twigs, or basically any object but Holy Water? If so check out the Portable Font. Easily collapses and fits in your pocket. While traveling the water won't link, but with just one twist of our patented lid you can then dip your fingers and bless yourself. Holds enough water for you and your family. Lenten X-Ray $19.99 Some parishes start covering statues, images, and crosses on the first day of Lent instead of at least waiting till after the fourth Sunday of Lent or Holy Week. If your parish deprives you early of these worship aids then but a pair of our Lenten X-Ray Vision glasses. We use the same technology used in the new airport security scanner that can see right through clothes and brought to you at an affordable price. Now obviously it would be quite problematic and a deterrent to holiness to see through every bodies clothes. That is why our product has built-in Infrared technology so that the glasses capability is turned off in area where human body heat is detected. This way you can see right through the material covering statues, images, and crosses and also remain pure at the same time. Stations of the Cross Viewmaster $14.98 Does your parish have a real abstract set of the Stations of the Cross. As you go from station to station is your first meditation "What the heck is this suppose to represent." That some wannabe Picasso has managed to con your parish. That without the text at the bottom of them you would have no clue as to meaning of the station? If so you will love the Stations of the Cross Viewmaster. Each set comes with 14 awesome images which through the latest 3D technology look so real you will think you are in one of the more beautiful churches in Rome. Inward Binoculars $79.99 Are you in the habit of fault watching? Where you watch others and catalog their faults like the most obsessive detail-oriented bird watcher? Then you need the Inward Binoculars. Instead of training your eyes on others these Binoculars focus inward to reveal your faults. First start at the lowest magnification levels since it is more than likely your faults will be easily seen at this level. As you progress in the spiritual life you can increase the magnification. The fault comparison algorithm is not computed on others compared to yourself, but yourself compared to Jesus. The inward binoculars work best when you keep your eyes on Jesus. Sacred Heart Monitor $279.99 Is your will united with the Sacred Heart of Jesus? Does your heart beat with the will of Christ or is there little synchronization? With the Sacred Heart Monitor you will know for sure. If the signal is flat lined you might not have the leads connected correctly. If you do and it is still flat lined it means your prayer life is dead. If this symptom is detected resuscitate your prayer life immediately with prayer. Reading the Gospels is highly recommended to jump start your heart and prayer life. Yuck Spice $2.99 Are you one of those people who just love seafood and find abstinence from meat something not anyway penitential? If you fit into this category you will love to hate Yuck Spice. Yuck Spice is a very unpleasant seasoning you sprinkle on your seafood or salad if you are a vegetarian. This makes your normally enjoyable meal quite penitential and much more fitting with the season. Snack Patch $14.99 Have you made a Lenten commitment to give up all snacks during Lent yet in years past you have always failed to keep this resolution? Introduction the Snack Patch. Each pack contains amounts of all the normal crap you read on the ingredients of most snack food of additives, preservatives, color additives, emulsifiers, etc. Each week you change your patch and each week it contains less and less of your normal snack chemical soup you so love. Sackcloth T $17.99 Have you ever wanted to try out sackcloth, but just weren't sure how it was done properly? If you answered yes you are a candidate for the Sackcloth T the finest in penitential undershirts and you can get them monogrammed. People might give you strange looks as you constantly scratch your upper body, but they won't know your wearing sackcloth under your work shirt. If you want something more fashionable then you can also order are sackcloth hoodies. Ash Wednesday Stencil $2.99 Are you one of the millions that go to Ash Wednesday services only to come away with the sign of the smudge? Disappointed once again that you don't have a distinctive cross on your forehead. That when your co-workers see you they offer you a napkin or tell you got some grease on your forehead? Well this will never happen again if you have the Ash Wednesday Stencil. Simply remove the film on the stencil and attach the adhesive side to your forehead before ashes are distributed. After ashes are applied remove the stencil to have that perfect cross revealed. While it is too late to use this product this year, order now so that next year you won't get smudged. Lenten Resolution Tablet $22.99 Do you want to write down your Lenten resolutions to help to remind you to keep them, yet don't want to make them too permanent? The Lenten Resolution is perfect for people who have to keep downshifting their resolution. If you start with "Pray 30 minutes a day" and then after a week found you didn't make it, then simply shake the Lenten Resolution tablet and put "Pray 20 minutes a day." Shake all you want. Our tablet can take it even when you get down to "Pray 5 minutes a day." At L-Mart we have these and many other great products to ensure you have a Holy Lent and to prepare yourself for the best Easter yet! With every order you also get our great two-step infallible guide to growth in holiness. 1. Love God with your whole heart, soul, mind, and strength. 2. Love your neighbor as yourself. ...Repeat as necessary.

* The sackcloth undershirt was provided courtesy of Alive and Young.

Brad Sutton a Point Church Pastor saw one of my previous parodies over at SperoNews and referred to in in a sermon and even created a new graphic for it that was much better than my original graphic.

You are a committed Christian and you really want to do what Jesus tells you to do, but sometimes scriptural passages are difficult to interpret.

For example Matthew 18:21-22 says:

    "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy t