New Vatican Commision

Through my sources I caught wind of a secretive commission working for the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. The commission is not listed on the Vatican's website, but I have word that it is called the "International Commission for Anti-Catholic Movie Sabotage." With the recent slew of specifically anti-Catholic movies I can see how this might come under the domain of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith instead of the Pontifical Council for Social Communications which might normally handle this topic.

I can see why this new commission is rather secretive and I hope I am not undermining their mission by letting the cat out of the bag. What the International Commission for Anti-Catholic Movie Sabotage is doing is quite remarkable and it looks like quite effective. One of their main focuses has been infiltration into the making of movies based on anti-Catholic novels, especially as screenwriters. These Vatican trained screenwriters specialize in didactic long-winded scripts that are low on action. These writers have been culled from Bishop's conferences throughout the world who are especially skilled at writing long documents that don't say a lot.

People are foolish enough to believe that the Vatican might employ albino monk assassins, but the Vatican is not below blockbuster script assassins. These screenwriters excel at writing lots and lots of dialog with plenty of references from the books plot in such a fast paced way that it is difficult for anybody not reading the original books to have any idea what is currently going on. They are also really good at explaining to the director and producers why lots of talking and limited action scenes is really a good idea for a blockbuster.

This technique worked really well for the International Commission for Anti-Catholic Movie Sabotage first attempt being The DaVinci Code and so far based on reviews of The Golden Compass it looks like they have succeeded in another long-winded screenplay. Even the secular movie site Rotten Tomatoes which compiles multiple movie reviews has rated it as "Rotten" with a rating of only 43 % fresh. The greatest sin in movie making is not to avoid anti-religious films, but not to make boring movies. You have to admire the Vatican's new commission that instead of complaining or boycotting the movie they decided to do something positive - script sabotage!

I have also heard that they have looked into sabotage of anti-Catholic films by Protestant groups but couldn't find anyway to make the scripts worse.

Now you might think that The Golden Compass falling below expectations at the box office might sink the possibilities of the two other books in the series being made into movies. New Line Cinema has been rather cagey on this possibility anyway. But The DaVinci code also fell below expectations at the box office and yet Dan Brown's Angels and Demons is still going to be made into a movie. We can cheer up though knowing that the International Commission for Anti-Catholic Movie Sabotage will once again be hard at work.