New liturgical position
Have you ever been a Sunday morning quarterback during Mass where you critique and liturgical abuses or experimental oddities that you have observed. You just wish at times that somebody would step in and do something about what your are observing.Well we have some good news for you! Francis Cardinal Arinze the Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments has introduced a new program that will surely have an effect.
The recently created position of Liturgical Referee has been instituted to help to bring uniformity to the celebration of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Liturgical Referees will travel around the world randomly attending Masses. Liturgical Referees will stand, mostly quietly, to the side of the sanctuary during Mass and call out signals if he observes any liturgical penalties according to the GIRM and other liturgical documents. Only in the case of penalties that would make the Mass itself invalid will the Liturgical Referee blow his whistle and when necessary call for any replays to correct any mistake made. Penalty markers may be thrown during the Mass to alert the celebrant to any problems that might need immediate correction.
Liturgical Referee in action
After Mass any penalties will be reviewed with the celebrant and more serious penalties will be taken to the local ordinary for determination for any fines or whether the celebrant just needs to get back to the liturgical playbook (GIRM) and/or to review films of properly celebrated Masses. In the case of penalty free liturgies the Liturgical Referee will thank the celebrant and be given the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments seal of approval.
The Liturgical Referee's has responsibility in enforcing the liturgical rules and maintaining the order of the liturgy. During the liturgy please do not yell out or insult the Liturgical Referee. We assure you he is not blind and is doing his job to the best of his abilities and whether you feel he has missed a liturgical abuse or that he is being too hard on your pastor we ask that you act charitably on his calls.
Applicants for Liturgical Referee should be well versed in Canon Law as applies to the liturgy, the GIRM and other liturgical documents, and a familiarity with any indults and permissions as set by the local bishop's conference and the local ordinary. The applicant should also be physically fit so that he will be able to make all off the signals that might be required at a more experimental celebration of the liturgy. Applicants should be familiar with the following liturgical signals.
Example Liturgical Signals |
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No Crucifix in sanctuary. |
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Liturgical dance detected. |
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Member of laity giving homily - to be evicted from lectern. |
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Incomplete or no consecration. Occurs when illicit matter is used, wrong formula used, only one of the two elements of bread or wine is not properly consecrated, or no validly ordained male priest/bishop is present. In case where only one element is consecrated a replay is called for. |
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Illegal use of hands. Normally called when the celebrant has left the sanctuary to shake everybody's hands. |
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Questionable or just downright heretical theology used in homily. When detected the Liturgical Ref pulls on his lips in a downward direction. |
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The "What the heck am my hearing" signal is one of the most common signals and indicates syrupy banal liturgical music or the inappropriate use of secular music such as show tunes and popular music (especially from the seventies). |
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Disregarding the prescribed text of the Order of Mass. This is another common liturgical penalty despite the fact that no other person, even if he be a priest, may add, remove, or change anything in the liturgy on his own authority. (Constitution on the Sacred Liturgy) |
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Illicit Posture. Usually called when you are being asked to stand instead of kneel or any other poster adaptation not specified by the GIRM or set by your bishop's conference or licitly specified by your local ordinary. |
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Illicit purification of sacred vessels. This is called when the purification of the sacred vessels is done by an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion despite the fact the the Pope revoked the indult in the U.S. for this permission. |
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Illicit Participation. Called when too many people are in the sanctuary. For example occurs when EMHC arrive before the fraction rite or when some members of the congregation are invited into the sanctuary to pray with the priest during the consecration. |
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Un-Christian Like Conduct. Can be called when elements of other religions contrary to Christianity are introduced such as new age beliefs. Un-Christian Like Conduct is also often called in the parking lot after Mass. |
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Illegal Pass. The celebrant is simply not allowed to make a pass at anybody. |
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Stole Infraction. Normally occurs when the celebrant wears his stole on top of the chasuble. Another penalty can be added if the celebrant does this and the stole is also horrendously ugly or has an seventies themes. |
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Illegal Receiver of Holy Communion. Those who are excommunicated or interdicted after the imposition or declaration of the penalty and others who obstinately persist in manifest grave sin are not to be admitted to Holy Communion. |
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Clowns in the sanctuary - run for your life. |
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Excessive use of inclusive language. Penalty is thrown when grammatical awkwardness is detected in avoiding male pronouns and every other sentence begins brothers and sisters. |
With the presence of the Liturgical Referee you can leave liturgical abuse spotting to the experts and spend your time instead trying to enter the Mass in prayer.
Update: Fr. Philip N. Powell, OP has some other liturgical hand signals not included in the examples above.
Update 2: Some have asked for a version of this they can easily print out. I have created a PDF version of this parody.
Known as 
Hilarious....and very timely! We could publish them in the parish bulletin!
This is your best yet. LOL! Nothing else to say!
Yes! Although, if one came to my parish, I'd still be distracted by whether the ministers are doing what we told them to (I help train them) - which has nothing to do with priestly liturgical abuse (at least not in my parish).
That was fantastic!
I laughed so much I woke my husband.
Pax Christi,
Teresa B.
These are great! Over at my place, I added a few you left out, Jeff.
:-) Fr. Philip
Very good, of course, but I suggest that the illegal pass is the celebrant's handing off the ciborium to an extraordinary minister in order to spend the rest of the Communion Rite sitting in the dugout, erm, sanctuary.
Bravo. I love your closing comment
except it is always 'sisters and brothers' by the inclusive language folks, rather than 'brothers and sisters.' I love it!
Can I get 1 permanantly assigned to my parish here in DBQ?
PLEASE!!!!!
:)
How can I hire this referree to visit my local church?
Finally I have a clear sense of what my vocation is.
The problem with throwing the flags is that the liturgical dancers will use them as well...
Will this Liturgical Referee have any sway with stopping our priest from rolling his eyes about the Pope and declaring himself a progressive?
And just when I was feeling spiritually moved at the end of Mass.
Thanks for the laugh! My grandma would love this.
I wish I'd read this at home rather than the library, then I wouldn't have to suppress my laughter!
Can you post this in a way that I can save it or print it? I want to hand it out in campus chapel.
"Liturgical Dance Detected" is the BEST!
But re: illegal use of hands, is it technically wrong for the celebrant to offer the Sign of Peace to people in the pews. I visit a parish where one of the priests does that and it is always moving. This is one of the most obviously reverent priests I know, too.
An elderly relative of mine who had some deeply rooted prejudices passed down from generations was shocked at this parish when she discovered the ethnicity of the priest. But when he shook her hand, she melted. She talked about him for 3 days afterwards. I think his gesture erased a racial prejudice in her.
joanne,
Regardless of good intentions or positive effects, liturgical abuses are still liturgical abuses.
If you want a holy reverent Mass, go to a Latin Mass. You will find no abuse; the Sacred language is intact and we all face the altar including the priest. Our eyes are on Jesus in the Tabernacle as are our prayers.
oh my gosh! This is the best! If only!
But what happens if, at the end of a perfect Mass, the congregation claps? A fine? Or maybe a forfeit? What penalty is there for the presider thanking everyone remotely involved in the Mass--readers, musicians, ushers, greeters, ad nauseum? Surely that would call for something!
I'd love to be able to make copies of this, too. It's absolutely fabulous! You really outdid yourself this time!
Jeff - This was awesome!
PLEASE follow the advice of "sinner" and create one for clapping! Ugh, that drives me nuts!
Also, may I suggest one for "Illegal Nazi Blessing" -- i.e., when the congregation is asked to "administer a blessing" to someone up brought up to the front for special recognition (itself somewhat odd). Nothing like a whole churchfull of Catholics with their right arms raised in something that uncomfortably resembles a Nazi salute.
And, from my former parish: "Birthday Greetings in Motion". This parish had the inane custom of singing "Happy Birthday" anytime somebody prominent within that parish had a birthday that week. With about 15 people on the altar at any one time, it was pretty close to every Mass it seemed.
Hysterical, but there's only one small error. The following should be changed slightly:
"Excessive use of inclusive language. Penalty is thrown when grammatical awkwardness is detected in avoiding male pronouns and every other sentence begins brothers and sisters."
As is obvious this should read: "... and every other sentence begins SISTERS AND BROTHERS."
:)
Not only is this post hilarious, but it just got picked up on Neatorama of all places. http://www.neatorama.com/2007/09/04/liturgical-referees/
LOL!!! Hilarious!
Good stuff, as usual!!
For "Inappropriate Music--Praise Band" how about the ref using both hands rising in the 'praise' position?
For "Inappropriate Music--Rock/'70's" how about the ref swiveling knees with palms down?
And for "Inappropriate Music--Tasteless Dreck" how about the ref using one finger down the throat with the other hand covering his ear?
Hee hee, funny as always, Jeff!
Although, for myself, I must say, there have been times when I have been *too* critical in my spirit at Mass, instead of just offering it up and then writing a letter to the Bishop and cc:ing the parish afterwards (obviously, after many talks with the pastor and liturgy committee . . .). That's why I'm so relieved to go to a Ukrainian rite parish now - all of the union with Rome, with 100% less liturgical abuse! ;^) (Though you have to get used to a very different kind of "Catholic aerobics" . . .)
I know some places where the poor refs (you would need plural) would have cramps after an average Mass.
How about some defensive positions at the doors to stop the communicants who head for the parking lot immediately after receiving the Holy Eucharist without going back to their pews? Would that be off sides? interference? too few men on the field? forfeit the game(salvation).
Oh Oh me first!!! please send referee to me at the church that I go to. I need him for about half of the infractions listed.
and it's "Children" now not "Sisters and Brothers"
^_^
I laughed out loud on that one
Way to go!!!
Should the celebrant be allowed a challenge flag in case he believes the ref heard incorrectly? I would think as long as the challenge can't be used within the "two minute warning to consecration."
"Clowns in the sanctuary - run for your life." LOL!!
I would add one more: The stupid arm motion cantors do when it's the congregation's turn to sing, along with this explanation, "Now YOU sing, you idiots!"
very funny! this is off the topic: here is a link to an article i read today. as a former athiest, perhaps you could enlighten the author of this article:
http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/sam_harris/2007/08/the_sacrifice_of_reason.html
Very funny!
"Now YOU sing, you idiots!"
I almost hate to say it--not enough to stop me, of course--but in my personal experience, there was some lag between the retirement of mass commentators and the advent of cantors who felt compelled to cue the congregation for every response, and it wasn't until the cantors started doing so regularly that the people needed someone to tell them when to chime in. In their defense (wait, maybe not) there still seems to be some dallying in how the congregation is supposed to participate in certain strangely arranged songs (even at the most orthodox churches I've ever attended).
It strikes me as strange, but what do I know? After 32 years as a Catholic, I don't look up the Creed in the missal, either.
Dad 29 writes:
"And for "Inappropriate Music--Tasteless Dreck" how about the ref using one finger down the throat with the other hand covering his ear?"
Can I suggest the ref grab a fat piece of cord with a big electric plug on the end to throw down first before he performs the above moves, (great idea Dad 29) especially when the choir "performs" Sing to the Mountains as a major swing dancing tune and the organ is at full blast at Easter during reception of the Eucharist?
Anyway, I just might print this and leave it at a few places...Thanks Jeff.
Brilliant but doesn't anybody else think it's really strange that the the server in the abusive liturgy pictured is wearing a cassock and cotta?
LOL!! Unfortunately, I have been to several parishes that would keep the refs busy for years.
I did want to clarify though--
You didn't really mean to say the following, did you?
"Incomplete or no consecration. Occurs when... no validly ordained male priest/bishop is not present."
I'm sure you meant to say "when no validly ordained male priest/bishop IS present", yes?
hahahaha, hillarious! I'm putting these in my parish :)
I think all of you should read and meditate on Luke 9 - 14 placing yourself in the place of the Pharisee. We have enough self righteousness in the Church and a lack of charity especially in judging others. Make sure that you are worshiping well yourself before you point your finger at others...the plank in your own eye? It is very sad that we live in a Church with so many people willing to criticize without much training but a lot of personal opinions!
So what is the proper ratio of Refs to Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion?
Jeff, these had me giggling and scrolling until I hit
"Illegal Pass. The celebrant is simply not allowed
to make a pass at anybody."
*Then* I just lost it. They're all good, but that one takes the cake!
Thanks again, O Witmeister!
Hilarious!
Need to add one for use of a glass chalice.
Jeff
Fr. Bert Kowalski,
I would argue that the biggest problem in the Church today is not a lack of charity but a lack of unity.
At no time and is the potential for unity more available to us than at the Mass but only if we're all on the same page, not making it up as we go along.
According to canon law, the Laity have the right to demand the Mass be prayed as prescribed by the Church.
Re Stole Infractions: if only these referees could come to the Philippines! In our country, the vast majority of priests wear plain white chasubles or chasuble-albs all year round, the stole (which alone retains the proper liturgical color of the day) being worn on top of it. I've consulted some local canon law books on the matter (and some Rome-trained theologians as well) and I found out that Rome never, ever gave sanction to our priests to do this aberration. That having been said, an elderly Filipino archbishop of the old school once remarked to me that the increasing number of Filipino priests abroad are exporting this practice to the West.
Please do not allow them!
"I found out that Rome never, ever gave sanction to our priests to do this aberration."
Well, actually there was an indult allowing priests in the Philippines to omit the alb when a large, closed chasuble is available. I read that in a book containing the post-concilliar documents of Vatican II some 8-9 years ago in high school.
I think the prevailing use of the overlay stoles in the Philippines came as a result of that.
The nuns who made these "chasubles" corrected me saying that the proper term for that invented vestment is "tunic" which is weird because this used to be the sub-deacon's proper vestment. The general impression is that it's a cheaper alternative to actually buying different-colored chasubles. You just need one "tunic" and then stoles of varying liturgical colors.
Anyway, that particular vestment is perhaps the ugliest thing around. It's usually made of material thin enough for you to see the priest's undergarments. Just take a look at the link above. Here's my rant about it.
No doubt the illegal use of hands extends to the sign of the peace.
These are brilliant...except I'd like to see the first one revised to say, "No Tabernacle in Sanctuary." Lately that appears to be more of an issue in liberal Catholic churches.
"Run for your life!" LOL!!
"I know some places where the poor refs (you would need plural) would have cramps after an average Mass."
Funny, Fr BP! The refs would, ironically, end up doing a "liturgical dance" of their own! Which ties in with the Pharisee comment in that I've found it impossible to call people Pharisees without becoming one. A paradox?
Fr. Bert Kowalski,
I was relieved to see your comment. I'd read through so many already, and was surprised to see not one person disagreeing with the rest...
I agree with you,
Angela
LOVE it! ^_^
Supposing a knowledgeable liturgical referee did show up at Mass, surely he should know that he had no right to interrupt Mass to point an abuse. Surely he should know that publicly pointing out the error rather than privately would violate the principle of charity covered by the 8th commandment.
I would suggest that we already have a surplus of liturgical referees. The joke about the difference between a liturgist and a terrorist applies as much to conservative liturgists as it does to progressive liturgists.
Thank you Fr. Bert
Burnt Marshwiggle, To me this post is just
a tongue-in-cheek expression of an attitude toward perceived liturgial abuses, not to be taken seriously. No one would ever think of interrupting Mass with one of these signs, or anything else. Of course charitible correction should always be done charitably privately.
Lighten up!
Sorry, Fr. Bert; I did not see your name, only your email. I do not intend to be disrepectful, to you or anyone else. Although I am liturgically conservative, I hope that I could
also appreciate the humor on a liturgically liberal blog.
It's very funny!! It would be tragic though if there be a way to penalize litugical abuses of omission... like when at Mass your heart and your mind is not on worshiping the True and Only God but instead some other idol...
That's for sure.
"The sad thing is, the innovators really do imagine they're creative, refreshing, and happenin'.
They have no grasp how they grieve and hinder the flock. At least, I assume they don't, and would straighten up if only they knew..."
Thanks for your comic spirit,
I am a high school football official and convert to the faith, and I found this parody to be Laugh Out Loud funny! I have been told by my friends that I should do this very thing many times. Very creative.
I was very fortunate to go through an RCIA program that was extremely concerned with authentic orthodox Catholic catechesis. It completely changed my life.
Since then, our RCIA program has been dismantled by our new pastor and replaced with new age, relativism central. Our liturgy has been completely infused with many of the offenses listed in this parody. I am no liturgical expert, but I relish proper liturgy that draws me into the Holy Mass without distractions.
I pray for our priests and the church as a whole (including me) that we are all drawn closer to the absolute truths that the Holy Spirit has revealed to us in 2000 years of Catholic Theology, and that the Church isn't completely corrupted by the past 30 years of wayward relativism and secular political correctness.
Soften my heart Lord, and help me to humbly stand for your truth.
It's sad that we have come to this! All the abuses have saddened many of us. The manner of bringing this out with humor makes us all think--and the number of abuses displayed by the "refs" clearly indicates that we need to return to "the rules" where everyone who is at Mass will be at peace. We do not have peace when we are made to witness all these infractions, knowing that it displeases Our Lord Jesus Christ.
Have tried to translate it into German:
http://thomassein.blogspot.com/2007/09/example-liturgical-signals-no-crucifix.html
greetings
Th.
Awesome!
I have a hand gesture for you. It is only one finger. Guess which one?
Grow Up! The Church is no place for your conservative political crap.
If you want things the old way, then join schismatic traditonalist church. We're moving on...like it or not.
A relevanmt old saying "Implementation of rules as well as supression of ideas are usually intended to protect the interests of those in authority. Let's have more open dialog in the church--not more rules.
Red,
Charity brother. Hate will destroy you.
Pax Christi,
Curtis
P.S. Great post Jeff! God Bless.
Re,
"Moving on"? That's what Martin Luther said when he decided he could make a better Church than Christ did. No thanks; I'll stick to the traditional, God-approved version!
please all of you make it your business to seek out a Latin Mass, the Tridentine Mass, now known as the extraordinary form of the Roman Rite. Our Holy Father Pope Benedict has liberated it for a reason.
I used to leave Church disappointed or sometimes even angry. Then I discovered the Latin Mass. Now Mass is the highlight of my week. It is prayerful, solemn, and filled with dignity. It is humbling and uplifting. If it were available every day in my parish I would go every day.
For those of you who suffer the abuses, and I sympathize and pray for you, please go to the extraordinary form and I tell you you will never go back. It literally saved me from giving up. Thanks be to God to our Holy Father for liberating this treasure.
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Superb! Brilliant and very funny!