Hardness of heart
You often hear criticism of the Church's position on the sanctity of marriage and the indissolubility of the marriage bond as being cruel. Compassion is also often invoked as a response for those who want to remarry. The repeated suggestion is that for someone whose marriage has ended in civil divorce that it totally unfair to the person that they not be allowed to get remarried. Once again the Catholic Church is the cast as the sour old bad guy keeping people from living and enjoying their lives as they please. I have even heard a homily in a Catholic Church by a priest who was upset with the cruelty of the Church in not allowing remarriage.
With the Feast of the Beheading of John the Baptist occurring just a couple of days ago I wonder what kind of media attention John would have gotten in modern times. I can easily imagine headlines such as "Marriage activist looses his head" or "Intolerant nutcase wilderness preacher slams Herod's marriage." It is quite obvious that the Church's teaching on marriage has never been popular and St. Thomas More also was beheaded for defending marriage.
Today at Mass a reading from 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 was used to mention something that Jesus had said regarding divorce. This reminding me of society's current attitude which is exactly opposite of what Jesus said. Jesus said that it was the hardness of heart of the people that caused Moses to allow divorce, while critics say it is hardness of heart that doesn't allow divorce. Jesus used "You have heard it said" to lead off to how the truth was quite the opposite of what he had heard said and this is just another example.The cruelty is suppose to be all on the Church's part while the cruelty to children as the result of divorce is roundly ignored. As a child of divorced parents when I was a teenager I know of this cruelty that had put me in a downward spiral without realizing it. But there is also cruelty when spouses don't reconcile and with divorce now seen as a quick fix and where the idea of not getting your way at all times has lead to massive selfishness.
Instead of reconciling problems and performing necessary compromises the horrible idea of irreconcilable differences has emerged. Love as emotional gooeyness has triumphed and as soon as you don't feel love this is suppose to be evidence that love is gone. The idea that love is a willed act is little known and instead people say silly things like "I have fallen out of love with you" when the reality is that they have willed not to love that person anymore. Jesus' commandment to love our enemies is now even more scandalous in our times than it was in his since we now attach love as purely an emotional feeling. The heresies of the seventies included such nonsense as "Love means never having to say you're sorry." A statement like that makes you understand why they once burned heretics. Many now think that sacrificial love is an oxymoron and it is any wonder considering that sacrifice itself has come on such hard times? Not only do we want cheap grace, we want it on a revolving credit plan.
A culture of selfishness certainly does not prepare one for marriage especially since in every case they are a couple who both suffer from the effects of original sin. As Father Pacwa would say they don't make the other model anymore. All the focus is on Cupid not concupiscence. Though as depressing the modern culture's view on marriage is it does make me reflect on how strong the role of grace is. Looking at the cultural indicators I think it is much more amazing that the divorce rate isn't much higher, but Jesus did promise that where sin abounds that grace abounds even more. The grace bandwidth is measured by Laud rate since we should certainly give praise and glorify God for it. Grace is what keeps me from being a pessimistic cynic since I know from experience He can touch even the most hardheaded individual. After 27 years of marriage my wife can also testify to that fact.
So while I doubt that society will anytime soon learn that it is their hardness of heart and not the Church's in regard to marriage, we also know that grace is more powerful than propaganda.
Known as 
"Not only do we want cheap grace, but we want it on a revolving credit plan."
That such an awesome line—I just wish it were less true.
Peace,
--Peter
The reason the Church is so uncompromising on marriage is because it's so important--God elevated it to the level of a Sacrament. Having been married in a secular marriage and then a Sacramental marriage--to the same man--there is an unbelievable difference--God's way places the marriage on a deeper heart level--you know you are required to love this man--for better or worse.
In Sacremental marriage--God Himself joins in your union--and you can't believe the overwhelming joy! God's way is better than man's selfish--have to make myself feel good way.
Jeff, I ran into this same mentality a few weeks back. I have been tossing around a some thoughts on it, but your contrast of portraying the Church as hardhearted when it is precisely the opposite completed the thought for me.
"...as soon as you don't feel love, this is supposed to be evidence that love is gone."
This is why so many people think that Mother Teresa's doubts and dark night mean she was agnostic. I guess that means Jesus was an agnostic, too, when He asked the Father, "Why have you forsaken me?"
Excellent and thought-provoking article. Thank you!
In Christ's peace and joy,
Robin
To add to the irony of the Church's "hardheartedness" regarding remarriage after divorce, when the Church mercifully grants an annulment, people also accuse Her of cruelty.
It looks very much like people just want to
feel justified in what they do, and if Church
teaching is an obstacle, then the Church is cruel.
And ignorant. Authoritarian. Blind. Biased. Etc.
Was Henry VIII's behavior a hint that, one day, everyman and everywoman would expect to be "king", even to the extent of designing his own irrefutable rules of morality?
"The grace bandwidth is measured by Laud rate"
I love it! Signals and systems, this concept is just what we were reviewing in class yesterday. So I guess there are actually ways to bring Catholicism into an EE program at a Catholic university.
After the ruling here in Iowa Thursday that allows same-sex marriages you will see few John the Baptists stand up for the truth. Those of us who stand up for the Church's teaching will be in for a rough time in the days & weeks ahead. Pray that the truth wins out.
"To add to the irony of the Church's 'hardheartedness' regarding remarriage after divorce, when the Church mercifully grants an annulment, people also accuse Her of cruelty."
Which shows that those people's agenda has nothing to do with marriage, divorce, or annulment. They simply see any stick as fit enough with which to beat the Church.
My favorite "contemporary Christian musician" (whatever that means) is Steve Taylor who, with the help of Peter Fuler penned "Lost The Plot" for the band, The Newsboys. It can be found at {hmm... it thinks I'm spam - you can search for it easy enough} and I have pasted it below as I find it quite relevant to the discussion.
Newsboys - Lost The Plot Lyrics
When you're coming back again
would you bring me something from the fridge?
Heard the rumor that the end is near
but I just got comfortable here.
sigh
let's be blunt
I'm a little distracted
What do you want?
Headaches and bad faith
they're all that I got
first I misplaced the ending
then I lost the plot
Long among the free-ranged sheep
where the big birds sharpen their claws
for the time we stuck with the shepherd
but you wouldn't play Santa Claus
sigh
let's be blunt
We're a little distracted
What do you want?
Once we could follow
now we cannot
You would not fit our image
so we lost the plot
Once we could hear you
now our senses are shut
We've forgotten our first love
we have lost the plot
lost the plot
When I saw you for the first time
you were hanging with a thief
and I saw my hands were dirty
so I dropped my gaze
but you said I was forgiven
and you welcomed me with laughter
I was happy ever after
and I was counting the days
When you're coming back again
I'll be ready for you
When you're coming back again
We'll be waiting for you
Maybe we will wake up when
Maybe we will wake up when
You are coming back again
lies
let's be blunt
We're a little unfaithful
What do you want?
Are you still listening?
'Cause obviously we're not
We've forgotten our first love
We have lost the plot
And why are you still calling?
You forgave, we forgot
We're such experts at stalling
we have lost the plot
lost the plot
lost the plot
lost the plot
When you're coming back again
would you bring me something from the fridge?
Heard the rumor that the end is near
but I just got comfortable here...
"Instead of reconciling problems and performing necessary compromises the horrible idea of irreconcilable differences has emerged. . . "
I'm hoping, Jeff, that you and your other readers will make allowances for the possibilty that in some cases one spouse may become so abusive and so unstable that continued cohabitation represents a real danger to the physical and emotional well-being of the other spouse and to the children. A physical separation, and perhaps even a restraining order, may be imperative in these cases.
This sort of scenario really does happen, even in "nice" neighborhoods, even among "nice" families - even Catholic ones. A Catholic family very close to me growing up fits this description. And to protect itself the family is able to present to the outside world an image of "all is hunky-dory", when it's not.
You can't gague these situations by looking just at the surface.
(By the way, I'm not advocating an unmitigated right of remarriage in such cases, although here the problem tends to resolve relatively easily; where there is significant abuse, it's generally not too difficult to secure an annulment, which then opens the possibility for remarriage.)
Excellent post. If all people understood love as a willed act, we'd see an end to war and abortion, not just divorce.
This from a now former Catholic:
Divorces and remarriages keep the pews less empty and more money in the collection plates.
I stood up for a valid marriage and have seen the Catholic Church welcome my persecutors, so after seventeen years of hoping for a stand by the Catholic Church I realized it was not my home any longer.
Rome gave me a pair of papers that said I was married to the woman who sleeps with another man. That other man was welcomed into the Catholic Church with his organs joined with my wife. He now is a cantor in the Byzantine Catholic Church in Cary, North Carolina. I am still forced to subsidize this adultery by our civil courts which the Catholic Church required of my wife before she could get the annulment she was promised by a Catholic priest and the first annulment decision attempting to nullify our sacrament which was granted by another priest who had made it clear he favored nullity- before he heard our case, as a Judicial Vicar! Too bad I appealed to Rome and won after twelve years. Those two papers proved to be worthless to every priest and bishop my wife and her lover have made acquaintance with.
That is YOUR Catholic Church, folks. It is not mine anymore. I have no church. All of them are unrepentant adulterers and I will have no part of any.
Live in your "excuse-filled" existances with your priests who justify all kinds of sickness for the "poor sinners". But these same scum criticize their victims and you "faithful" Catholics still put your "blood money" in the coffers to subsidize the open destruction of marriage that goes on everyday in the trubunals of the world and especially in the US.
But, of course, I am lying. I must be.
Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I will try to follow Him on my own without the misguidance I have seen and experienced.
"But these same scum criticize their victims and you "faithful" Catholics still put your "blood money" in the coffers to subsidize the open destruction of marriage that goes on everyday in the trubunals of the world and especially in the US."
Karl, the problem with the reliability of the annulment process appears to be similar to that of the marriage commitment. Too often, people lie, to themselves and to one another.
I pray that you will heal from your situation. I have never known the Church to destroy a marriage, though. It may be unable to discern the cause or validity of a shattered marriage, but in general, the original error belongs to the couple.
Karl,
Human beings will disppoint you every time. Jesus will not.
I would encourage you not to let some sinful human beings, even some who may be clergy, to cause you to leave His Church.
The Church is not a showcase for saints; it's a hospital for sinners. The medicine is the sacraments. To refuse the medicine is to reject healing.
I'm sorry for your hurtful experience with the Church, Karl. Please don't turn away from Jesus.
It is not the humans in the Church that we worship, but Him.