Software Consistory
VATICAN CITY (Roto Reuters) - Pope Benedict in a long awaited shakeup which was widely expected announced today a software consistory. To reorganize the curia it had been rumored that a new network was needed to replace the aging computer system used by the curia within the Vatican. Computer networks used by the Congregation Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments could not talk to computer used by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith causing miscommunication, bottlenecks, and a reduction of the collegiality index.
Speculation had been made in the past as to whether Pope Benedict XVI would appoint Microsoft Windows, Apple OS X, Sun Solaris, or an open source operating system like Linux as the official operating system. Though some have objected to OS X because in Latin the words for "apple" and for "evil" are identical (malum) and to Sun since it would only encourage anti-Catholics in accusations of worshiping Babylonian sun gods.
The memorial of St. Polycarp, Bishop was deemed appropriate for this announcement since when he was arrested by a Roman official in Smyrna he told the captain that he served Christ for eighty six years. Thus since he served Christ for so long that the new servers might serve the Vicar of Christ for at least a couple of years before technology again made the system out of date. The new system will be named the server of the server of God.
Despite steady rumors that the Vatican would use Microsoft's Stained Glass Windows, the Pope instead announced at a special audience the selection of Red Hat Linux. The Vatican will release their own distro of Linux on April 4 the feast day of St. Isidore of Seville the proposed patron saint of computers, computer users, and computer programmer. The proposed number of servers will be set to 120 as established established by Pope Paul VI of venerated memory (c.f. Computatrum Ligamen)
The system will also provide email accounts for everyone working in and with the Vatican through Post Office Protocol Extended (POPE3) to provide interoperability and the latest generation in collegiality enabled software. The kernel will control all operations and any software that does not obey system requests will be excommunicated or offloaded via the anathema bus. A new fiber optic backbone will also be laid and the specification instituted by the Pope will ensure it is stronger than the backbone provided by most bishops.
Known as 
Cool! I feel cleaner already. Visions of offloading via the anathema bus and the new fiber optic backbone will lull me sleep tonight.
I believe it features the new keyboard shortcut to sort out wayward bishops:
You press the "Control, Delete" Function. (otherwise known as the CDF). (the "shift" option is no longer valid)
I believe B16 was impressed when told the new program would help identify and sort out "soft" bishops. He was heard to ask: "Soft? Where?"
Venerable Aussie,
Ha!
*sigh*
Why didn't I see this one coming? Marvelous, as always, O ioculator optime.
shouldn't the hat be a galero? or is that too picky?
...Thus confirming that you really did deserve to win "Most Bizarre Blog 2006."
And don't forget the "escape" button!
Eat fish--ELY
This distro will not be offered with KDE (Kung Desktop Environment).
This distro will not be offered with KDE (Kung Desktop Environment).
What's wrong with the late Cardinal Kung? Oh, you mean Hans Küng. Never mind.
If you'd have posted this during the voting, you'd have had 70%!
Didn't they consider NetWare for the Barque of Peter
But alas, if they had considered Netware, it would surely run 153 large servers without fail. But I can't argue with the stronger backbone they are installing.
Will future encyclicals be delivered as RPMs?
Jeff, I don't have enough familiarity with computer software, operating systems and networking solutions to fully appreciate this pardody, but I truly did enjoy it!
He who does not use Linux, let him be anathema!
Hey, the Vatican's domain name server, John, is running Red Hat Linux. Check out the logo at the bottom of this page: john.vatican.va