Dissidentyne
Introducing the latest and most refreshing and relativistic gum - Dissidentyne. Up to now every brand of gum the flavor would fade as you chewed. Dissidentyne solves the problem by having no taste at all so it will never fade! Simply sing a new taste into being. Use your creative imagination to choose how you want it to taste. The primacy of taste buds guides you on how you alone will favor what flavor or interpret the taste.
Why be stuck with the same old traditional flavors passed on down in recipe succession. It's the 21st century so choose what tastes fit your tastes and not be bound by dogmatic definitions of Spearmint, Wintergreen, etc. Why be universal or have a consistent gum flavor. At one time all the gum was the same till the advent of Babelgum with its towering taste that is different for everyone.
Dissidentyne was developed by, who better than Bishop Gumbleton. With a name like that and his experience who would know better about both gum and dissent.
"I wanted a gum I could chew in the cafeteria or when giving my latest speech at a Call for Action conference or while writing a column for the National Catholic Reporter. All the other gums left me cold and I wanted one as bland as heterodoxy itself. When I created my own gum, just as how I have done other things in life, I didn't rely on what was passed down or what you might expect from a traditional gum - I went my own way."
Nutritional Value |
| Sodium: 0g (Salt has lost its taste) |
| Fluff: 100% |
| Calories: 0 |
| Ratzinger Daily Allowance (RDA) 0% |
If Dissidentyne is not for you then you might prefer Big Rad Trad. It includes the smells and bells of traditional Catholic gum - but is totally obedience free.
Known as 
"Hello, my name is Bob Smith and I suffer from minor calcium deficiency as well as a common heart condition – which means I have little (if any) backbone and my heart is extremely weak. Dissidentyne Gum provides the lack of exciting flavor and easy chewiness I need to keep me unchallenged in my daily life. Dissidentyne keeps my weak bones from strengthening and preventing my meek heart from pursuing unsettling truths. On behalf of me and everyone like me – Thank You, Bishop Gumbleton, for providing the most elastic of gums currently available on the market!”
(was it scary I was actually chewing some gum when I read this…?)
Thanks for the equal opportunity satire. This is a true "Spirit of Catholic Pillow Fight" moment. :)
Beautiful. Simply wonderful!
"Simply sing a new taste into being"
Ugh! Why'd you have to go and remind me that we sang the crappy "Sing a New Church" (what's wrong with the 2000-year-old one?) today at Mass?
By gum, its gum! Well, normally, I'm a gum chewer. I laid off the gum and switched to candy bars, instead. Now, of course, I'm right back on gum. I chew it all day, except at mealtimes when I stick it behind my ear. Now with this!, it will be like having a fresh new stick every time.
To hell with all of this new gum crap. I like the old Wriggly's Spearmint gum. Traditional yet satisfying, with all the great tast of the past, and it lasted a long, long time. Unlike Big Rad Trad, chewing this gum gives you the desire of obedience to the maker......of the gum.
I suppose in the spirit of Lent I need to lay off the Sin-amin gum. Tomorrow's Mardi Gras so I'll finish off the pack I've got now.
Hilarious! You hit it on the head: heterodoxy is BORING!
You chews how it tastes.
Bloody brilliant!
Personally, I prefer Trident-ine.
Aww..well then you'll love this from yours truly :-)
Greg,
Hilarious!
I'll take 500 packs please.
(I'd like some extra to distribute to some folks I know.)
P.S.
(Is it strange that just looking at your gum wrapper made me crave that blue-pack old school Trident?)
I'm glad you didn't combine this parody with the post on the Quebeci priests, and provide the advertisement for Juicy Fruit. Although given Abe Foxman of the ADL weighing in on the Catholic Church and its rulings on homosexual unions, perhaps Jewsy Fruit is more appropriate.
Thanks Cathy :)
"Rad Trad"-such as misused word for one who wants to worship as our church had done for the first 1970 years. The question I have is what is the Vatican II definition of what a "trad" is and what is a "rad trad".?
Obedience:
Where there is a proximate danger to the Faith, prelates must be
rebuked,even publicly, by their subjects. Thus St. Paul, who was subject to St. Peter, rebuked him publicly. --St. Thomas Aquinas, Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians 2:14
All disciplinary authority, all obedience to a bishop presupposes the pure teaching of the Holy Church. Obedience to the bishop is grounded in complete faith in the teaching of the Holy Church. As soon as the ecclesiastical authority yields to pluralism in questions of faith, it has lost the right to claim obedience to its disciplinary ordinances.
Vatican I in 1870 defined the Pope to be, not an absolute monarch, but the guarantor of obedience to the revealed word. The legitimacy of his power was bound up above all with his transmitting the Faith. This fidelity to the deposit of the Faith and to its safeguarding to be passed on applied in a special way the liturgy. No authority can ‘fabricate’ a liturgy.
The Pope himself is only the humble servant of its homogenous development, its integrity, and the permanence of its identity.” The Pope, as the guardian of the Deposit of Faith, has a duty to preserve the liturgy intact and pass it on essentially unmodified to the next generation.
When the Supreme Pontiff pronounces a sentence of excommunication which is unjust or null, it must not be accepted, without, however, straying from the respect due to the Holy See. --St. Robert Bellarmine
St. Vincent of Lerins in the 5th century gave as a standard for the orthodoxy of doctrine that which has been believed everywhere (ubique), always (semper), and by all (omnia). But, as the former Cardinal Ratzinger pointed out, the Council Fathers of Vatican II rejected this hallowed definition: “Vatican II’s refusal of the proposal to adopt the text of Lerins, familiar to, and, as it were, sanctified by two Church Councils, shows once more how Trent and Vatican I were left behind, how their texts were continually reinterpreted... Vatican II had a new idea of how historical identity and continuity were to be brought about.” This new idea was nothing other than to create a pseudo-tradition from the “common consciousness” of the Council Fathers.