Socking it to security
Sandy "Honestly, I had no idea how those papers got into my socks, jacket pocket, and portfolio" Berger will plead guilty to misdemeanor theft of classified documents.
My, what serendipitous timing. Just saying.
Here is something I did before related to Mr. Berger.
If you handle information with classifications on a daily basis and don't want to be caught with your pants down or socked with a fine or some jail time - then Curt Jester Security Products have just what the security auditor ordered.
These high quality Khaki pants are made with heavy-duty construction using 3mm steel pant plate, 6mm steel plate zipper and twin locking zipper entry bolts. Simple to operate electronic keypad accepts a combination of between 3 and 8 numbers, giving millions of possible zipper combinations. Five LEDs give security, power and operating status, zipper status, and leak detection. Not only will your documents be secure, but you will never get those mocking stares when you forgot to zip up.
Our pant security is totally in conformance with DOD and Joint Command instructions used for Information Systems (IS) and assure compliance with DCID 6/3, NSA/CSS Manual 130-1 and DIAM 50-4. Ultra secure leg openings make sure that top secret documents never embarrassingly fall through. You can keep a pant-load of information without every worrying about losing documents again.
But what about those times when you have more documents than you can stuff into your pants?
The Crypto-Sock will meet all of your security stocking-stuffing needs. Equipped with industrial elastic that can not be pried loose or opened without first putting in the correct 5 digit code. Biometric smell receptors insure our socks can only be worn or opened by those with the correct foot odor index as set when they are first put on.
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"Wow! If only I had these before.
I swear these are the best security clothes available on the market." --Former National Security Advisor |
Known as 
Oh, leave the man alone. When you have to take work home from the office, don't you stuff it in your socks? Doesn't everybody? I mean, an attache case is sooo Republican. (Odd but true - inmates in the New York State prison system may be sent black or white socks made of almost any material, but the rules specifically state that the socks may not have pockets. How is the poor guy supposed to carry his sensitive documents around?)
A misdemeanor seems pretty gentle given that he "accidently destroyed" classified documents for which there are/were no copies. Be interesting to see if he does any jail time - pleading guilty suggests he won't.
Probably he'll get no jail time, or only a short sentence at a minimum-security Club Fed.
Do those pants work as a modern chastity belt?