Legalistic Gospel Stories

In a post below I posted an article about the conflict in a Chicago parish over caring for the homeless and the law via Department of Health code violations. In the Gospels the Pharisees were also always finding conflicts in Jesus' actions in regard to the Mosaic law. They were witnesses to his miracles but were more concerned with that fact that he didn't wash his hands first. This got me to thinking of what the Bible would have been like if some of the actions had occurred in modern time. I am sure the Sierra Club would have been on Mose's case for temporarily splitting the Red Sea. Think of the ecological turmoil that resulted. Some EPA official would have cited Elijah for his flaming chariot taking him up to heaven. Surely there was something wrong with the muffler to emit such flames and the chariot surely didn't meet CAFE standards.

Possibly Mark 2 might have happened like this instead.

And when he returned to Capernaum after some days, it was reported that he was at home. And many were gathered together, so that there was no longer room for them, not even about the door; and he was preaching the word to them. And they came, bringing to him a paralytic carried by four men. And when they could not get near him because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him; and when they had made an opening, they let down the pallet on which the paralytic lay. And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "My son, your sins are forgiven." At that point a government official entered and spoke out "May I have your attention please! You must all disperse. There are many violation that must be address. This home is not zoned for religious meetings and no application for a home church has been accepted. You have exceeded the maximum number of people for this building as per the Fire Chief. The unauthorized hole in the ceiling does not match building codes for a skylight and no building permit for such construction is even on file. In addition this Jesus fellow has no medical license in this state so his healing activities must stop forthwith."

Matthew 14 might have read:

Jesus said, "They need not go away; you give them something to eat." They said to him, "We have only five loaves here and two fish." And he said, "Bring them here to me." Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass; and taking the five loaves and the two fish he looked up to heaven, and blessed, and broke and gave the loaves to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up twelve baskets full of the broken pieces left over. A university security officer then came over to the Apostles and said "Who is in charge here?" Jesus replied "I AM." The officer than pointed out "This is in the universities free speech zone yet no permit has been issued. There is a great throng here yet the requisite number of porta-potties has not been placed for proper sanitation." The officer then asked Jesus "Who gave you authority to talk here?" Jesus replied "I do the Fathers will, everything I do is of the Father." The officer then inspected the baskets of food and inquired "Where did this food come from? It does not have the proper labeling as to nutritional content and country of origin." Jesus replied "It is like the manna from Heaven and it is a miraculous manifestation." The officer looked at his laptop but could find no trade agreements with Heaven for the importation of manna or any other food substances. "I ask again where did this bread and fish come from and no stories about Heaven this time." Jesus said "I do the will of my Father and it was him who sent me. The multiplication of the loaves and fishes was a sign of my divinity and the approaching kingdom of my Father." The officer said "Where can I get a hold of this 'Father' guy, he sounds like he is one behind the whole thing." Jesus replied "The Father and I are one." The frustrated officer said "First you say you are doing the Fathers will then you say you are the Father, tell me who is this Father; is it you or some other guy." Jesus said "If you knew me you would know the Father." Then he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. The officer stood by the shore yelling out "Hey I am not done with you yet. Come back here!"